Category Archives: Psychology

Love Them the Way They Want

Differences, Intimacy, Psychology, Relationships, Uncategorized,

I opened my eyes and my husband immediately cheered, “Happy Birthday!”

I love birthdays and he knows that. I know, however, that he is not one who enjoys celebrating his own birthday; he does not like anyone to make a fuss. He would not like it if I greeted him like that on his birthday.  His enthusiasm for my birthday, however, was not fake; it was a reflection of his willingness to love me the way I want and need to be loved.

It took me a long time to realize how important it is to love someone the way they want to be loved. Most of us just assume that everyone wants to be loved the way we want to be, but that is simply not the case. If a relationship is going to last long-term, we need to accept the way a person is able to love us and we have to do our best to love them the way they want to be loved. If all parties are on board with this idea, it is a really beautiful thing.

Examples are definitely needed now. I have worked with couples that argue over texting. She might complain that he does not text her when he wakes up in the morning, or does not text often enough (or quickly enough) during the day. He responds that he doesn’t have the kind of job that allows him to text often. Underneath this discussion is her desire to be loved through attentiveness and his desire to have her love for him expressed through trust that he is thinking of her even if he is not texting her. He needs to give her that morning text (to love her the way she wants to be loved) and she needs to accept fewer texts during the day (to love him the way he needs to be loved – by demonstrating trust that she is in his thoughts).

Another couple ostensibly argues over money, but they are really arguing over how they want to be loved. He works two jobs so he can save for the house he thinks she deserves. She complains that she never sees him. She doesn’t see that he is expressing his love for her through his commitment to earning and saving money. He doesn’t see that she can’t envision their life in that home if it does not include spending time with him along the way. They both need to value the way the other person loves them – and they need to do their best to love their partner in the way he/she wants to be loved. He needs to ask if she really wants that house he thinks she deserves; it may be what she really wants is his time. She needs to ask how she can reduce the pressure he puts on himself or how she can help him be able to spend more time with her.

One person wants flowers; another wants cards. One person wants words; another wants actions. One person wants expensive gifts; another wants homemade gifts. The key is to recognize the message in whatever its form takes. One must recognize that the person is telling us “I love you” – they are just sometimes doing it in the way they want to be loved. If they can’t (or won’t change that), and you can’t (or don’t want to) accept the way they love, then the relationship is likely to be rocky and unsatisfying at best.

This concept extends beyond couples; it involves parents and children too. Issues with sons and daughters-in-law often revolve around family differences in how love is expressed. One family expresses love by cooking meals; another by taking people out for dinner. One expresses love by refraining from giving advice; another by giving advice. One expresses love by telling their children “You’re on your own”; another by saying, “No matter what, we will be here for you.”   One expresses love by praising their children; others by giving them money. One expresses love by babysitting; another by buying toys. If we misunderstand the way love is expressed, we can begin to resent the other person, thinking them cold, indifferent, or intrusive. Just because it is not the way we want to be loved, does not mean the other person is not expressing love. They are simply expressing it the only way they know how.

The key to this is communicating with each other about how you want to be loved – and listening to the other person. I was teaching a class recently and I was discussing this idea. One of my students added that his wife had always told him all she really wanted for their anniversary was a homemade card. He said, “So this year, I took her up on it. I drew a card with a heart on it. I drew two stick figures inside and said they were the two of us. She loved it! I don’t know why it took me 33 years to listen to her words.”

I just loved that story. There was such honesty and genuineness and universality in it. There was such optimism in it. It is never to late to love another in the way they want and need to be loved.

A Note to the Nurturers, On Mother’s Day

Mother's Day, Parenting, Psychology, Relationships, Siblings, Sociology, Uncategorized, , , , , ,

On Mother’s Day, I get nostalgic. I think about the very first time I held my first-born. I think about how it was just as wonderful to hold my second child for the first time. I think about how heavenly it was to hold them as toddlers, to feel their head on my shoulder, to listen to their breathing as they slept, to hear them laugh as they played. I think about how breathtaking it has been to see them venture out on their own.

Many years ago, while they were still very young, I wrote: Parenting is a journey that takes us from total responsibility for another person, to the development of a responsible person. I am proud to say I’ve developed two responsible human beings and am enjoying their adulthood very much. Going by my statement from many years ago, it would seem my journey is complete, but really, as parents, we know it never is.

I know I will always feel a part of their continuing development, but now, I also focus on how they helped me grow. They developed me in concrete ways (they are my go-to tech group…I’m certain I will always need them for that!). They developed me emotionally. They kept me young at heart. They kept me playful and joyful. They added to my compassion. They guided my understanding of complex social and political issues. They opened my eyes and heart to new ideas, new people, and new adventures. And they continue to help me grow in all those ways.

As I think of all of this, I also think about the many forms that parenthood takes. There are the other family members who nurtured them and helped them become who they are. Clearly this includes grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. It includes friends who chose to become family. It includes co-workers who guided and mentored them when I could not; who shared professional knowledge with them and helped to nurture their careers.

So, on Mother’s Day I celebrate all the people who help develop us, who nurture us, who help us face and conquer the “next” stage of our lives. Parenting, after all, is not biological. Parenting is a choice. It is the choice to nurture someone else. It is the choice to help someone else achieve his or her potential.

To all of you who have nurtured someone in some way, thank you. Happy Parenting Day!

“The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction not a destination” ~Carl Rogers ~

What It Really Means To Be A Disney Princess

Parenting, Psychology, Relationships, Uncategorized, , , ,

I grew up watching Disney. My sister and I loved waiting for Tinkerbelle to “color” the castle with her wand while we watched it on our black and white television set on Sunday nights. I still watch Disney movies. Yet, more and more I hear “those who know best” say that Disney is something to be loathed or – at the very least –avoided. The distaste of Disney is that their women always need a man to rescue them.

I see it differently, though: I see women who have courage, resolve, sensitivity toward others, leadership skills, commitment to a goal, belief in self, and unending optimism. Personally, these are traits I admire. Professionally, I know these are hallmarks of a healthy personality. With this in mind, let’s take a look at some of the Disney women.

Let’s start with the original Disney princess: Snow White. She is strong because she does not go into a state of depression when she is banished from the castle. Rather, she finds her way in the forest, rallies friends (albeit animal ones), and locates shelter. Because
of her sensitivity toward others, her new friends (the dwarfs) provide her with emotional support. This is very important if one is to
face hardships and models the importance of strong bonds. When the support works, she begins to exhibit her leadership potential. She gets all of the dwarfs to change their behaviors; they change from messy to tidy and from isolated individuals to caring individuals. She positively affects their lives and makes them better people for having known her.

Similarly, Cinderella teaches us resilience and kindness. When faced with issues of unfairness, rejection, subjugation, and apparent hopelessness, she too avoids depression through her optimism and belief in herself. She never gives up her dream of
freedom and realizing her potential. True, in the story her dream involves becoming a princess, but that can be easily translated today into any other profession. The point is: achievement is tied to optimism and self-confidence, traits any woman – or person – would benefit from.

Another self-assured princess is Ariel who strives to be different. She wants to break the mermaid mold and become something else – become human. Her father, her sisters, her friends see that as “crazy”. Yet, she pursues her dream and accepts responsibility for the mistakes she makes along the way. Yes, part of her dream involves being loved by the prince,
but their relationship seems very healthy to me. We must remember she saves him from drowning before he saves her from Ursula.
They seem like equals to me; she does not need him, she wants him. They are both interested in each other’s worlds. A healthy partnership. Because of Ariel’s courage, her commitment to her dream to be different, and her sensitivity to others, she not only achieves her dream of becoming human, she also helps two different worlds (humans and merfolk) to accept their differences and overcome their fears.

Belle is also an excellent role model. She is unashamedly well read, holding a book while she walks through town, talking to the villagers about what she is reading, and sharing her enthusiasm for the knowledge she is gaining. Belle is intelligent; when presented with what seems to be overwhelming problems, she finds creative solutions. She is articulate, able to persuade even a “beast” to accept her point of view. She is unwaveringly optimistic, believing that goodness will always triumph. She is compassionate, loyal, understanding, empathetic, and able to not only see the best in everyone, but to bring forth the best in them. After all, she sees the prince hidden in the beast way before anyone else does; she makes him see it in himself. She allows him to fulfill his full human potential.

Additionally, Jasmine is a heroine that refuses to be bound by the customs of her society. She will not allow her path in life to be chosen by her father or anyone else. She is determined to find her own way. Jasmine does find her own way and, as a result changes the society in which she lives. True, the focus of that change is marital law – by the end of the story, she can marry the man she chooses,
NOT the one chosen for her – but nevertheless, the moral of the story
is bigger than that. Jasmine teaches us that standing up for your beliefs, following your heart, and becoming your own person, pays off in the end.

Disney also reveals strong women that are not princesses. Esméralda from The Hunchback of Notre Dame, for example, teaches us fortitude and compassion. She is willing to risk her
own life to stand up for her beliefs. She stands up for the Hunchback, someone who is different. Yes, he is a man and he does help to rescue her later, but, she has helped him as well. Like Ariel and Eric, Esmeralda and Quasimodo are equals; they
are friends. Esméralda stands up for her people – the poor and downtrodden – something I wish all children and adults learn to do.

There are countless other Disney women who teach us positive traits. Mulan teaches us that family is worth fighting for and women can achieve anything they set out to do. Pocahontas teaches us the importance of trying to see things from another person’s perspective and that there is some good in everyone. Dory teaches us humor and compassion. Nala teaches us that we can be a force of change in the world and we can influence anyone, even the strongest of rulers.

Many people believe that the Disney princesses only reinforce the idea that girls need to spend their lives by a wishing well, hoping for a prince. But I disagree. I am glad that my mother encouraged my sister and I to watch Disney princess movies. I feel proud knowing the courage and kindness my daughter has now stems, in part, from emulating the courage and kindness of Belle and Jasmine.

I think the Disney Princesses (and other Disney women) send a wonderful, psychologically healthy message for girls – and boys – to grow up with. The princesses encourage us to believe in yourself and your dreams, to have the courage to be different, to allow yourself to love others and be loved, to recognize it is human and healthy to depend on others  and to love them.

 

Violence is the Problem – Not the Solution

Fear, Guns, Hate, Psychology, Sociology, Violence

So many times in life we expend our energy solving the wrong problems. Our country has faced too many mass shootings. Each time, the problem has been framed in the context of the Second Amendment. The problem, the debate, has become “Do we have the right to bear arms? Are you trying to diminish my Constitutional rights?” The answer is simple: the right exists. I’m not sure why this particular discussion continues. After all, framing the problem this way has not ended the problem of mass shootings. It is time, then, to consider what solutions would be possible if we reframed the problem.

For example, we could reframe the problem as:

Did the victims have the right to live?  Did the parents have the right to see their children grow to adulthood?  Did the friends and family have the right to enjoy more time with those they lost?  Did the shooter have the right to better access to mental health care?

Consider the implications if we made the problem even broader:

What is the source of the anger that allowed this mass shooting?  Why does the solution of killing others seem appropriate to so many people?  What is producing all of this frustration?  Is the increased use of technology part of the problem? Is it both increasing our isolation as well as our belief that violence is a solution?  What structural changes can we make in society that might ease this anger and frustration?

The questions we ask determine the solutions we generate. Clearly, the questions we have been asking about our Constitutional rights are not producing the solution we ALL want. We ALL want less violence, less death, more personal security.

Perhaps, then, the real questions are:

How can we achieve less violence?  How can we reduce the national murder rate?  How can we achieve greater personal security?

So many more solutions are possible when we reframe the issue in this manner. It is time that we change the frame, expand the possibilities, and resolve to solve this. We cannot continue to allow mass shootings at school, at work, at places of leisure, or at churches. We cannot allow them to continue anywhere.

When Sex and Intimacy Got a Divorce

Equality, Intimacy, Psychology, Relationships, Sociology, Uncategorized, , , ,

As far as I can recall, the separation began in the 1960s. Women’s liberation was making its mark. Women took off their bras, declared that they were more than their bodies, and demanded true equality in the workplace and at home. These were wonderful truths and wonderful goals. Women were ready to move from a norm where sex was a male prerogative and they were simply there to please the men they married. We were ready to move away from the imbalance of power between the sexes. Again, a very good goal.

The difficulty with any social change is that to change we focus on the extremes. The horror, the injustice, moves us to fix the problem. What is lost in the process is the fact that most of us do not live on the extremes; our lives are more normal than that. So, while the stated norm was that sex was a male prerogative there were always men and women who were eager to satisfy each other’s sexual needs and recognized that their own pleasure was enhanced by pleasing their partner (whether opposite sex partner or same sex partner). In reality, just as it is today, the balance of power was not a giant divide, but a place where control shifts from side and side and where each member has responsibility for the actions they take. Men are not always the enemy, women are not always the victims; we all make choices and our choices have consequences that impact us in the moment and in our futures.

While it may seem I have digressed, I hope you will now see the connection. The focus on the extremes led us, I think, to a new extreme – to a place where the norm is that sex is an activity one can engage in solely for pleasure, divorced from intimacy. Early on in the separation process, I began to hear of the “three date rule” (you have sex by the third date or you stop dating that person). Now, of course, there are apps where you simply pick a person based on their looks, “hook up”, and resume your life as it was before the act of fulfilling your need for physical pleasure. In sessions, I meet men and women who feel embarrassed that they want more from sex than that; they want to feel a connection.   I think the embarrassment stems from the shift to this new extreme and the fact that our focus became intercourse (sex) rather than sexuality.

Sexuality involves intimacy. It involves familiarity with the other person, knowledge of and an understanding of that person, a feeling of affection for them, and at its deepest level, a feeling of love for them. Sexuality is a term that encompasses values, body image, sense of self, and self-respect, as well as intercourse. This broader definition brings trust, caring, concern, warmth, and connection back into the equation.

Our power – our control over our bodies and our lives – lies in our sexuality, not in our ability to have sex without intimacy. It lies in our ability to trust our partner, to know that they are looking out for our pleasure (as we are looking out for theirs). It lies in our willingness to be vulnerable – because vulnerability in a trusting relationship allows us to not only be genuine, but to move out of our comfort zone and to grow. Our power lies in our ability to give consent based on our values, our body image, our sense of self, and our self-respect. Our power lies in knowing that our value to the other person does not rest on what we do in this moment, but in the fact that our partner knows and understands us, values us, and that their affection and/or love is not based on the moment, but on our history and our future. Our power rests in knowing that a “no” does not mean our time together is over.

I do hope that sex and intimacy reconcile. For it is in that reconciliation that true pleasure is found.

 

 

 

 

 

When It Becomes the Not-So-Happy-Holidays

Holiday, Loneliness, Parenting, Psychology, Relationships, Uncategorized, , , ,

Before I became a psychologist, I thought the holidays were only times of great joy. I looked forward to them with great anticipation, eagerly awaiting all the commotion.
Now, however, I realize that Thanksgiving marks the beginning of a very painful time for so many people. For them, the holidays are a time of increased isolation and despair. As some of us talk about whom we will visit and how we will juggle multiple invitations, others wish they had even one place to go. As some of us complain that our in-laws want to see us, others wish they had in-laws. As some of us complain that our children will visit in-laws, others wish they had children. There is no one single cause of the pain people feel during this time of year. The pain they are in reflects their unfulfilled wishes, their dreams that – due to no fault of their own – cannot be realized, and their hopes that are fading with each passing day.

Given this reality, what can we do to help make this season more joyful for ourselves and for others? I propose that this holiday season we all do our best to turn our burdens into someone else’s joy.

This concept is not intuitive. After all, our burdens, our pains, are not things we tend to think are worth sharing with others. That’s because we see those burdens from our own vantage point; seeing it from someone else’s can make all the difference. Some examples will help:

  • If you cannot spend a holiday with someone because you are accepting a different invitation, tell him or her when you will visit and that whenever you are with them, it is a holiday (https://real-matters.com/?p=27).
  • If one of your holiday guests is your burden, treat that person as if you have never met and try to get to know them. Perhaps a new relationship will develop as you listen to new stories rather than focusing on the old ones.
  • If you have no children, help someone who does. Offer to watch their children while they prepare for the holiday. If you don’t know someone with children, volunteer at a center that will have a holiday party for children in need. Volunteer to bring food to parents whose child is hospitalized.
  • If you are overwhelmed with the children you have, ask someone who longs for children, to help you. If you know that you will complain that you have no room in your refrigerator or freezer for your left over food, don’t cook it – donate it to a food bank.
  • If you will be alone for the holiday, spend it with someone else who would be alone, but not for your offer to spend it with them.

No matter what your situation is, giving of self will increase your connection to others and connection is the key to joy, not just over the holidays – but any day.

Love Is Like Rice

Parenting, Psychology, Relationships, Siblings, Sociology, Uncategorized, , , , ,

When it comes time to add a sibling to the family, young children are often concerned if there will be enough love to go around. I have found it helpful to make the answer as concrete as possible.

Concrete thinking is a well-documented characteristic of children. Jean Piaget described how our thinking changes throughout childhood. A child under the age of 6, for example, tends to overlook a transition. They see the beginning and end but not the transition itself. So, if given play dough, and asked to roll it into a ball and then into a sausage, and asked if there is more, less, or the same amount of play dough as a ball or sausage, they will tell you there is more when it is a sausage. They see it as bigger and cannot see that material was not lost or gained in the transition. I understand why children, who have such difficulty with abstract ideas, find this difficult to understand and persist in their worry about whether their parents will love them as much when there is another child.

So, when dealing with a child’s concern of a new baby brother or sister, it is best to respond as concretely as possible. A simple way to do this is to demonstrate the transition from uncooked to cooked rice. I have them hold a cup of uncooked rice in their hands. Then, together, we add it to the pot and add the water. Then we watch it boil and we wait. We keep watching and waiting. Then we uncover the pot and see how much the rice has grown. This is followed by the simple statement: “Love is like that. When we add something, like a new baby brother or sister, it makes the total amount of love grow. Just like the water made the rice grow. There will always be enough love to go around.”

What is even more interesting to me is the idea that, at times, adolescents and adults find this concept difficult too. Middle school and high school students worry that there is not room in the group for everyone; so letting someone in means someone may have to be excluded. First-time parents worry that they will not love each other as much once their child arrives. They worry that a child will take up their time and they will “lose the romance”. Parents worry that they will not love the second child as much as they love the first. These worries reflect a concern that there is only a limited amount of love to go around; that when we have to divide it among more people, each person will get less.

However, that is simply not true. Love is meant to fill the space that is available to it. It fills the spaces and brings us closer to each other. The more people we share our love with, the more love there is to go around.

Love is like the water that makes the rice grow. Be afraid to skimp on your love, not to share it.

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Just Change Your Pants, George

Psychology, Relationships, Sociology, Uncategorized,

“Just change your pants, George.”

“I’m gonna change my pants, Alice. But if I change my pants, I gotta change my jacket! If I change my jacket, I gotta change my shirt! If I change my shirt, I gotta change my tie! I hafta change my belt! I gotta change my shoes! I gotta change my socks!”

“Just change your pants, George.”

This interchange from the movie Beethoven (1992) takes place because Beethoven, a large St. Bernard dog, drooled on George’s pants and by doing so, “destroyed” George’s morning schedule – which George feels is the start to an overwhelming pile of problems.

These few lines make Beethoven one of my favorite movies of all times. It captures the thinking we all experience on those “bad” days when nothing seems to go our way and when we see problems everywhere we turn. More importantly, it represents the panic we all experience when change is required.

Sometimes, all we can see are the negative effects of change, blinding us from the opportunities for growth and happiness that are in front of us. In George’s case, innumerable problems confront him if he accepts the need to change his pants: he’ll then have to change his jacket, shirt, tie, belt, shoes, and socks. In the moment, George cannot see that changing his pants presents him with the opportunity to, on the most basic level, go to work with pants that are not full of dog saliva, but also with a more important opportunity: the chance to start his day over, look and feel better, and, most importantly, change his attitude about “life”.

This scenario is a humorous depiction of our tendency to “not be able to see the forest for the trees.” He is so caught up in the details that he misses the opening into the clearing. We all have the tendency to do that sometimes. The details overwhelm us and we lose sight of the bigger picture. Like George, we get caught up in the anticipation of change. It is the anticipation that often overwhelms us, not the actual change.

Change is an inherent part of life. We change physically, mentally, and emotionally every day. Most of these changes go unnoticed. It is the larger changes – the ones we anticipate – that cause us to worry.

As I have written before, worry is simply an indicator that some kind of change is necessary. So the key is to minimize the anticipation of the negative “what ifs” and keep our eye on the goal – that change is natural, that it represents an opportunity for our growth.

Let me provide some examples:

  • The start of the school year brings changes in schedules, routines, and expectations. A parent gets caught up in the chores that are part of the start of school – the need for backpacks filled with supplies, the need to prepare breakfast and lunch, the need to get to the bus on time. They anticipate that if their child is unprepared in some way, that the teacher will get annoyed, the teacher will have a bad opinion of their child, the child will have a bad year (in other words, the pants, jacket, shirt, tie, belt, shoes, socks of school). They forget that the actual goal is to prepare their child to enjoy school, to enjoy learning, and to listen to the best and worst parts of the child’s day. Once that goal is recognized, the chores can become part of the solution. If the chores are done together, as a family community, then chores provide an opportunity for chatting and for listening to each other. The change that occurs is positive and reflects the natural growth in all members of the family.
  • Generally, the rule in elementary school is that everyone in class must be invited to a party. As that rule changes, a child anticipates that not getting invited to a specific party represents the end of their social life. The spiral of catastrophe (they will never have friends, their social life is over, school will be awful – the pants, jacket, shirt, tie, belt, shoes, socks of school social life) is all that is seen. If they focus, instead, on the goal of having friends who share their interests, and values, and who are kind, then the change in rules provides an opportunity to learn how to be more selective in our friendships – a lesson that we learn and re-learn throughout our lifetime.
  • A couple considering their future together is often confronted with a considerable amount of negative statements about commitment. They are bombarded with information that tells them that people are not meant to be monogamous, that long term relationships get boring, that they will get on each other’s nerves (the pants, jacket, shirt, tie, belt, shoes, socks of commitment). They worry that the commitment will lead to a negative change in their relationship. If they focus instead on the goal of making each other happy, they will continually find ways to do that, making their relationship a “living” entity that must be nourished and attended to as it grows (changes) over time. If they want to make each other happy, they will find ways to do that. They may not (in fact will not) be able to do that all the time, but the want provides a path toward happiness.

The next time you feel the anticipation of change, don’t let it impact you in a negative way. Think of the anticipation as a sign that change is necessary. Try to identify the goal – the change that is required – and let the goal help you find a solution to the problem. Recognize that the anticipation is almost always worse than whatever the change will actually be. Remember that change is natural and necessary; change represents an opportunity to start over, to improve, to add to our lives. Remember to just change your pants, George, and it will be okay.

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If/Then

Psychology, Relationships, Sociology, Uncategorized, , ,

Our English teachers taught us that complex sentences use conjunctions – a “joiner” word – to bring two thoughts into a unified whole. Not only do complex sentences help us sound more intelligent, they also help us shape our lives because how we connect our thoughts can have a profound effect on our happiness.

For example, when a client says, “I want to meet someone but I know I never will” they are unhappy in the moment and see a future filled with unhappiness. If they say, “I want to meet someone and I know I will” they are filled with hope in the present and optimism for the future. If they say, “I want to meet someone so I went out” they are actively doing something that might change their present condition. It is not the connecting word alone that matters – it is the thoughts that are logically connected by the word we choose. It would not make sense, for example, to say, “I want to meet someone so I stayed home alone.” The so demanded an action to accomplish the goal stated in the first sentence.

In other words, being aware of these connections – and choosing to make more effective connections – is a fairly simple way to change our perspective. Let me give you more examples:

 “If I stay in this job I hate, then I will become more and more unhappy.” A more effective connection would be, “If I look for a new job, then I might find one that brings me more satisfaction.” “If I leave this relationship, then I might be alone forever” could be changed to, “If I move on to a new relationship, then I might find greater happiness.” Similarly, if only statements can get us stuck in the past rather than move us toward a more satisfying future: “If only I had not pushed for a commitment, we would still be together” keeps us pining for a relationship that is over.  Saying, “Although he/she was not ready for a commitment, I’m glad I let my goals be known”, however, allows us to take the positive from the past while moving toward a future in which both parties can find greater fulfillment. “I want to spend the rest of my life with you but I’m worried that I don’t make as much money as you so I will be a financial burden” changed to “I want to spend the rest of my life with you so I was wondering how you feel about the differences in our income” allows greater problem solving and less anxiety/worry.  It keeps the focus on the goal and invites multiple options to emerge.

 Even if can also be problematic. I have heard clients say, “Even if I meet someone now, I’ll be too old to have children.” Here the focus is on unfulfilled dreams and, in essence, provides no path to new dreams or fulfillment. Changing the statement to “Whether I meet someone or not, I will find a way to make some children happier” leads to finding a way to fulfill the original dream in some form (work in a hospital with babies born to mothers on drugs, volunteer to coach or spend time with children who have single parents or are in foster care, spend time with nieces/nephews/children of friends, etc.).

Words are important; they matter. So, choose your words carefully and use them as a pathway to greater contentment. If you seek greater happiness, then you will find it. It will “pop out” at you because your new perspective will allow it present itself.

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Another Look at Hate and Fear

Differences, Fear, Psychology, Sociology, Uncategorized, Walls

I am certain that human nature is based on empathy, love, and compassion. The kind of violence that erupted in Charlottesville this week seems to provide substantial disconfirmation of that assumption. If humans are essentially “built” for love, how can we treat each other with such cruelty?  The answer is simple. We must be taught to hate and fear.  I have written on this before and I hope you will read my post on this topic.  https://real-matters.com/?p=56

We can choose to allow our natural empathy to flourish. We can choose to teach love and acceptance.