I know so many couples starting out – moving in together, getting married. Interestingly, no one refers to them as empty nesters or asks them “How do feel now that you are empty nesters?” Yet, that is the most frequently asked question posed to their parents.

Rather than focusing on new beginnings and possibilities, as we do for couples starting out, the phrase “empty nest” causes parents to focus on the end of the family they grew and, hopefully, enjoyed. Empty, by definition, means, “containing nothing; not occupied or inhabited…lacking…substance, meaning, or value”. “Empty nest” implies a loss of some kind, an ending, a finality.

By including the phrase “empty nest” in the question, it almost demands a somewhat negative response. The word empty requires that the person responding address the connotation of the word. In other words, when people ask how one is adjusting to the “empty nest” it begs a response of how one is coping with some loss. Home is no longer full. Life is no longer full. The relationship with your significant other is lacking. Nothing is left. Generally, people respond in variations of “We’re adjusting,” “It’s much more quiet now,” or “I didn’t expect to miss them, but I do.”

Now that we’ve mused over the concept of empty, let’s think about the symbolism of the nest. Initially, one typically pictures a nest filled with baby birds chirping for their parents to feed them. But, before that picture can become a reality, one of two things had to happen. Either (1) birds built a brand new nest or (2) birds took over an abandoned nest. So the overall imagery is creating, building, filling. Abandoned nests are reclaimed and given new life. That is the symbolism that is much more relevant to human “empty nesters”; they are recreating their nest and repurposing it for their future life.

The nest symbolism is quite relevant. When we start out, we don’t focus on the nest we are leaving; rather, we focus on the nest we are building. The nest is not empty; it is filled with the love we have for each other. Over the years, we continued to fill the nest, with memories, with dreams created, fulfilled, or modified. We filled it with hopes, wishes, laughter, sadness, tears, surprises, fears, remorse, gratitude, friendships, and more and more opportunities for love.

When our lives have been so full, how can the nest ever be empty? Why would we suddenly wonder if our new life would be one “containing nothing; not occupied or inhabited…lacking…substance, meaning, or value”?

Clearly, when people ask, “How do feel now that you are empty nesters?” they do not intend to cause any sadness. Many probably hope they will hear about the “relief” of having our children leave or the pride in their ability to “fly on their own”. If that is what we actually want to hear about, then ask about their favorite memories of their life to this point, and their hopes, dreams, wishes, and plans for the future.

Let us help them repurpose their nest and remember that a nest can never be empty when it has been built from so many fulfilled dreams, so many goals for the present, and so many hopes for the future.