All posts by Dr. Diane Urban

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(Dis)connecting During Upsetting Times

Anxiety, Democracy, Emotion, Emotions, Fear, Kindness, Psychology, Relationships, Uncategorized

Many of us are upset – if not horrified – by current events in our country and the world. These events bring our body to a state of high alert, a state designed to protect us from imminent danger. 

In terms of responding to a real danger to our lives, this system is crucial.  Our brain/body instantly decides if we should fight (which includes, among other things, using our words, or physically wrestling a person to get a gun or knife away from them) or engage in flight (which includes, among other things, running by foot or some other form of transportation, or “leaving the field” emotionally, where we are unable to move or respond).  Our brain determines which tactic increases our chance of survival.  It is a system that is supposed to be employed rarely and end quickly.

On a daily basis, however, we are all confronted with increased uncertainty.  We question our safety in almost every area of our lives.  Will this violence be at our doorstop next?  Will this violence end?  Will other innocent people be arrested?  Will our freedoms be curtailed?  Will our jobs become obsolete?  Will we be laid off?  Will we be able to buy groceries or pay our rent?  Will these powerful storms destroy our homes, our livelihoods, our neighborhoods?  All of this threatens us, wears us down emotionally and physically, and causes our fight or flight response to stay on, at least, a low level of alert. 

We try to believe that the threats are not imminent.  They are happening outside of us – in different neighborhoods, different states, different countries, or different continents.  But the threat seeps back in.  We remember that the world is connected; Covid started “there” and suddenly it was “here.”  Suddenly, we all knew someone impacted by it.  The threat rises again.

So, we disconnect.  We disconnect by turning off the news, by playing on our phones or playing video games, or binge-watching TV shows.  This time away allows our bodies and our minds to recover.  Recovery is important.

But, we must make sure that we do not also disconnect from the people in our lives by spending more time on our phones, games, or television than we do with each other.  Once we connect with those in our lives, we can connect with our larger society and take actions that replace horror and pain with kindness and action.

“We’ll take our stand for this land and the stranger in our midst.” ~ Bruce Springsteen

When the Holidays Hurt: Choosing Connection and Joy

Emotions, Holiday, Kindness, Psychology, Relationships, Uncategorized

Holidays are idealized as times of great joy and family togetherness.  These images are everywhere, especially in advertisements and holiday movies.  For the lucky among us, these images bring back beautiful memories and allow us to revel in childhood wonder.  My work as a psychologist, however, has taught me that, for many people, the holidays are unfortunately a time of increased isolation and despair. 

The dichotomies of experience often go unnoticed, but if we pay attention, we can notice the pain around us.  In office conversations, some are talking about whom they will visit and how they will juggle multiple invitations.  Others remain quiet, wishing they had even one place to go.  As friends sit having coffee in a diner, some are complaining about the family drama they wish they could avoid, while someone at a nearby table wishes they had family to see.  Some conversations involve complaints that children will visit in-laws instead of them.  Someone else is wishing they had children to complain about.  Throughout these snippets of conversation, one can hear the pain of unfulfilled wishes, dreams that – due to no fault of their own – cannot be realized, and hopes that are fading away.

As a psychologist, I try to offer recommendations designed to improve a person’s life in some way.  So here are some specific ideas of how we can make ourselves and others feel a bit more connection and joy during the holidays:

  • If you are overwhelmed seeing family and friends, remember that holidays are not meant to be obligations.  They are meant to be celebrations.
  • If you cannot spend a holiday with someone because you are accepting a different invitation, tell him or her when you will visit instead and that whenever you are with them, it is a holiday. I will share that whenever I visited my grandmother, she would exclaim, “Every time I see you it is a holiday!” Wow, suddenly holiday stress was gone; one did not have to see her on the holiday itself. She made every visit feel special and in doing so, enriched every moment spent with family.
  • If one of your holiday guests is your burden, treat that person as if you have never met and try to get to know them. Perhaps a new relationship will develop as you listen to new stories rather than focusing on the old ones.
  • If you have no children, help someone who does. Offer to watch their children while they prepare for the holiday. Alternately, you can volunteer at a center that will have a holiday party for children in need or volunteer to bring food to parents whose child is hospitalized.
  • If you are overwhelmed with the children you have, ask someone who longs for children to help you.
  • If you know that you will be overwhelmed that you have no room in your refrigerator or freezer for your left-over food, don’t cook it or, alternatively, donate it to a food bank.
  • If you will be alone for the holiday, spend it with someone else who would be alone.

At the root of each of these ideas is approaching each other and ourselves with kindness. The most important take away is that kindness increases connection to others and connection is the key to joy, not just over the holidays – but any day.

What’s The Problem?

Assumptions, Communication, Problem solving, Psychology, Relationships

The most important part of solving a problem is knowing what the problem is.

While that sounds simple, it definitely is not. A word problem, for example, on one level is a math problem. It is also a reading problem. It is also an attention problem. So, if the “problem” is “Susan baked 47 chocolate chip cookies. She ate two. She has 9 jars. How many of the remaining cookies should Susan put in each jar?”, then the mathematical answer is 5 cookies. But, if a child has difficulty reading, they may not know that Susan ate the cookies so there are only 45 cookies left to share. Their reading became the problem. If a child focuses on the cookies and drifts off thinking about how great chocolate chip cookies are, especially when they are warm and served with milk, they may “forget” to answer the question. Their attention became the problem.

Whether we are solving a math problem, a reading problem, an attention problem, or a relationship problem, we need to follow some steps to get to the “issue.” I often refer to this as peeling the onion.

Couple counseling allows me to quickly see a problem from multiple perspectives. When I first meet the couple, we flip a coin as to who will speak to me first. The winner gets 15 minutes to answer “What brings you here?” Then they switch places and the partner answers the same question. In the last 20 minutes of the session, we come together and I give them my initial thoughts on what problem(s) we will work on and in what order.

Here is an example from such a session: Cheryl tells me that they are coming to counseling because Mark has no respect for her. He comes home from work and immediately asks what’s for dinner. This makes her feel like the maid, the cook and the caretaker of his children. Mark says he isn’t sure why they are coming to counseling. He adds that he thinks Cheryl is unhappy and may want a divorce. He doesn’t earn enough money and, because of that, her life is hard. She works part-time, takes care of the kids, and their home. He works long hours and a lot falls onto her because of that. Mark cannot imagine his life without Cheryl. He says she is the center of the entire family. She holds everything together. She makes everyone’s life better. He admires her and doesn’t know what he did to ever deserve her.

Is the problem that Mark has no respect for Cheryl? I don’t think so. Perhaps the problem is communication? Why didn’t Mark ask Cheryl what was troubling her? Why didn’t Cheryl tell Mark how that question made her feel? Why didn’t Mark tell Cheryl that he asked about dinner because sitting down with the family and hearing all about their day is what makes him happy? Why didn’t he admit that he did not like his job and dinner with his family gave his life and his work purpose? Perhaps the problem is about self-esteem. Did Cheryl misinterpret Mark’s question about dinner because she felt that her unpaid work at home and with the kids made her less valuable? Why didn’t Mark tell Cheryl that he felt like a failure because he didn’t make enough income and her life was harder than he wanted it to be?

If the problem was a lack of respect, then divorce would’ve been a reasonable solution to explore. But, by peeling the onion and exploring the inner core of the problem, many other solutions (improving communication, improving self-esteem, changing jobs) became possible.

What steps can we all take to peel the onion? While the steps often seen counterintuitive, I encourage you to give them a try.

The first step is deciding what the problem is. The fancy term for that is problem representation. Now, instead of being content with the “surface” problem, we will begin to peel the onion by making the problem as large as possible.

I know, we have all been told not to make a mountain out of a molehill. That is often good advice. However, we also need to keep in mind that if we make a mountain, we can climb that mountain, and climbing it allows us to gain a new perspective. This not only replies to our personal relationships, but even the workforce/greater economy. For example, if a company defines the problem as decreasing profit, the likely solution is to save money by decreasing the work force. However, what if the problem is how to increase profit? Solutions might include advertising, increasing customer satisfaction by increasing employee/customer ratio, or branching out to new services.

Categorization is the second step in peeling the onion. This is facilitated by that first step of making the problem larger. A larger problem can be placed in more categories. This time, let’s explore the problem of a couple planning a vacation. On one level, a vacation is about a place. Will it be a staycation? Will it be a place where we relax or a place where we engage in various activities? Will it be an island or a city? Will it be in or out of our native country? On another level a vacation is about people. Do we want to vacation alone or with others? Do we want “alone time” with the person/people we travel with or do we want to meet new people? Do all of the people traveling together want the same thing out of a vacation? Does one person feel a vacation is needed while the other feels a vacation is wanted? (In other words, this can be about an entirely different problem — work satisfaction). A vacation on another level is a thing; it is a financial thing. The vacation we want may not be the one we can afford. As you can see, this is a problem that can be placed in many categories. Each category also allows for different solutions. Multiple categories allow us to prioritize different aspects of the problem.

The next step Is to check our assumptions. This is by far the most difficult step. We believe our assumptions are valid. We need to believe that or we would be tied up all day in fact-checking. But, like the mountain/molehill issue, we need to recognize that there are times when our assumptions must be checked. An important indicator is that the assumption is tied to something we have defined as a problem. Once we have begun to peel this onion, once we have determined that there is a problem to be solved, we need to employ the steps: make the problem as broad as possible, categorize it, and check the assumptions we are making about it. One of the most effective ways to check our assumption is to ask the other person if we are correct.

What if Cheryl had checked her assumption and asked Mark if he respected her? She would’ve heard that he not only respected her, he admired her. Weeks and months of worry and anger, and drifting apart might have been avoided. What if Mark had checked his assumption that Cheryl thought he was a failure and wanted a divorce? He would’ve found out that she loved him very much and was actually worried that he found her boring. Again, think of all the pain that might have been avoided.

The questions that we are so afraid to ask and that involve checking our assumptions are often a reflection of the problem we think we have rather than the problem we actually have. Like Cheryl and Mark, our fear of the question can lead to unnecessary pain. Asking allows us to get closer to the core of the onion. Knowing what the real problem is, affords us the opportunity to consider many different ways to solve it.

So, next time you’re faced with a problem, why not give these steps a try?

Published on Medium 7-23-25 https://medium.com/@dr.dianeurban/whats-the-problem-ff2fa9ce711f

Either Or Thinking

Categorization, Change, Psychology, Relationships, Sociology, Uncategorized

I cannot help but wonder why either-or, yes-no, take it-leave it thinking is so popular.  What makes delving into the shades of gray, the nuances of a position, unattractive?

I’m sure some of the preference relates to survival.  Certainty increases the probability of our survival.  If we know that something is poisonous, then eating it (yes) versus not eating it (no) becomes a clear choice; survival is improved by a no response.

Survival, however, also requires curiosity.  Survival requires us to explore the uncertainty of the world around us.  Babies pick up objects and put them in their mouth.  Children ask a parent for a treat and, regardless of the answer, will ask the other parent the same question.  They are curious about what kinds of questions get a yes from both parents, what kinds of questions get a no from both parents, and what kinds of questions get the crucial yes/no response.  The final outcome, a different response from each parent, allows the uncertainty to become an opportunity.  With further “experiments,” the child learns to predict under what circumstances each parent is more likely to support their request.

Part of the assessment process for entering kindergarten is listening skills.  This includes the ability to wait until someone is finished speaking before you add to the conversation.  This is, in “fact” important in a conversation, but so is enthusiasm.  So, if a teacher is reading a story and a child wants to interject about their experience with something in the story, why do we consider that “poor listening”?  Isn’t it really poor impulse control or poor memory (fear they will forget what they wanted to say) or something positive (like involvement in learning)?  In elementary school, we have them take multiple choice tests to prove that they have read a book.  Why is it more important to know what the first obstacle for the Pokey Little Puppy was than it is to discuss that sometimes we are as pokey as that puppy and sometimes what we discover while being pokey is super interesting?  Why has reading for facts become more important than reading to discuss shared human emotions?  Why do we teach children a particular way to solve a math problem and make them think any other way is “wrong” when, in fact there are multiple ways to solve the same problem.  Division may be faster than subtraction, but the end result is the same.

As adults, we take these lessons and apply them to our social lives.  If our significant other hurts our feelings, they are “bad”.  The either/or thinking – apologize or risk losing the relationship– kicks in.  Our focus become this one “fact” within the storyand, based on that one fact there is one right answer: apologize.  If we are curious, we will ask why they said that hurtful thing, or we will ask ourselves what we did to provoke that hurtful comment.  

We could certainly apply this to situations in our larger community.  Rather than asking does climate change exist (yes/no), wouldn’t it be more productive to ask what evidence supports/contradicts it?  Isn’t it important to consider the possibilities and uncertainties involved in action or inaction in this area?  Similarly, vaccines are better thought of in terms of the benefits/risks rather than either/or.  Food choices do not need to be meat-eater or vegan; there are options in between.  We don’t need to hate or love others; we can choose to tolerate them – or better yet, we can choose to try to understand them.

I wonder what the world would be like if we embraced the quest for curiosity and possibility rather than the quest for the one correct answer, for the “fact,”.  Imagine the meaningful solutions that could be generated.

orange and blue skies during sunset

Never Go To Bed Angry

Differences, Emotion, Emotions, Psychology, Relationships, Sleep

One of my dad’s favorite things to say was, “never go to bed angry.” As was so often the case, his words were brief but filled with wisdom.

I always thought he was reflecting on the loss of his friends during combat in WWII.
With all the loved one’s people have lost over the last few years (during the pandemic, wars, terrorism, mass shootings, and so much more) I understand his words so much more deeply. Surrounded by death, he came to question whether anger was “worth” it.

While it may be uncomfortable to consider, the fact is that in these times of random violence, those we love can be gone within moments. What will we be thinking then? I believe that once a loved one is gone, the anger often gives way to grief. I never hear family members who are being interviewed by news commentators say they are glad the person is gone. They never tell a story about how the person hurt their feelings or owed them an apology. Instead, they talk about the moments of joy they shared with the person and the despair that they can never experience shared joys again.

If a “break” in the relationship had occurred, the survivor is left thinking about how they had spent weeks, months or years, justifying the break. They begin to realize that their thoughts had shifted from the issue that caused the rift to the thought that the person had caused it or wanted it. Upon losing that person, the questions suddenly multiply and change in nature. Did that issue really matter as much as I thought it did? Was it worth the time lost in friendship/love? Was my life truly better without (whoever) in it? Was the apology that was awaited/required compensate for the loss now felt? Was I secretly hoping for a reconciliation that can never happen because they are gone?

Life is unpredictable. Let’s all try to “never go to bed angry” – or at least do so less frequently.

The Case Against Making Relationships “Work”

Emotion, Intimacy, Psychology, Relationships, Sociology, ,

If you wake up every morning, eager to go to work because you find it fulfilling and meaningful then I would agree that relationships are like work.  For too many people, however, work is a drudgery, a requirement for money that allows fun outside of the time spent there.  It is an obligation, a means to an end.  So, what are we saying when we tell ourselves or our friends that relationships are work? In talking to clients about this phrase, I have come to the conclusion that the phrase means we have to grin and bear it, not expect much from the relationship, or that we don’t deserve any more than we are getting.  There is little to nothing positive in the suggestion to “make it work”.

As I see it, relationships are places we go to restore our sense of peace and happiness.  Life can throw obstacles at us and make things difficult.  These obstacles and difficulties can lead us to fantasize about how it would be easier if we had made other choices, selected a different significant other.  However, those normal, occasional feelings, lead the couple to “work” to restore the peace and happiness they find in each other.  But what if we reframed it so it wasn’t “work”?  What if we framed it to feel like finding a new path to that supportive, comforting place? 

Perhaps a more helpful analogy regarding relationships is clothing.  We are uncomfortable in clothing that doesn’t fit us properly.  If we see something we like, but is too tight, we can take it home and choose to work out and lose some weight so we can fit into it.  Notice that the change happens in you and not in the clothing.  The work is on your part, fueled by a desire to have that clothing and feel comfortable in it. Similarly, if the clothing we love is too large for us, we can choose to have it altered.  In other words, we change the clothing. 

What troubles me most is when a person is in the early stages of a relationship, yet still refers to it as work.  In those cases, I think it is important to question the “fit.”  Is the person trying to figure out the world the way a toddler does when given a sorting toy and is trying to put the circle in the triangle?  This causes frustration and anger; once the toddler learns to sort properly, the task is easy.  I believe that relationships are supposed to be easy, too.  They are not supposed to cause us frustration, anger, and upset; they are supposed to replenish us.

If we think of relationships in terms of how they fit us, we can maintain a view that each person involved has qualities.  The question becomes do those qualities fit our needs and do ours fit theirs.  Do the roles we have in other areas of our life fit?  Do our outside interests fit?  Is their mutual respect? Is there a desire in both to make the other happy? Are both willing to maintain separate interests as well as explore mutual interests?  None of this sounds like work to me.  None of it sounds like an onerous chore that must be handled.

It seems much more productive to think about a potential relationship in terms of fit.  Just because an outfit doesn’t fit doesn’t mean it isn’t of good quality.  We can go into a high fashion store and know the material is flawless, but it just doesn’t fit.  Life is like that sometimes.  So is love.

It seems much more productive to think about a long-term relationship in terms of fit.  A favorite item of clothing can bring us comfort over so many periods of our life.  We sometimes find new ways to make it fit our lives.  I cannot stress enough that our relationship with our significant other should feel like that – comfortable, familiar, and adaptable.

When the fit is right, relationships are not work.  They are a place where our emotional reservoir is replenished.

Wedding Season

Intimacy, Psychology, Relationships, Sociology, Uncategorized, Weddings

Although we often think of the summer as wedding season, weddings are wonderful in any season of the year.  They are wonderful because they represent love, optimism, and new beginnings.

It seems to me, however, that far too often those very things a wedding represents are lost within the stress of planning for the day itself.  At first, it seems magical.  You are planning a day to celebrate your love.  Then the details begin.  How will you celebrate it?  Where will you celebrate it?  How many guests will you invite?  Where and with whom will you seat those guests?  How much will it all cost?  Who will pay for it? Will you “make it back” in gifts from your guests?  Will it rain/snow/be hot and humid on the day?  Will everything be on schedule? 

How can we avoid the stress and embrace the love, optimism, and sense of new beginnings?   The answer rests, in part, in making sure we are solving the right “problem.”  I know problem does not sound like the right word, but problems are simply situations that must be dealt with.  In psychology, we think of problems as anything that requires us to figure out how to achieve our goal.  So, what is the goal? 

Let me digress for a moment.  It is important to understand the steps in solving a problem so we can then apply it to the problem at hand: weddings.  The key to solving any problem is problem representation – to know what the problem actually is.  To ensure that we know what the problem is, we must define it as broadly as possible, determine what category or categories it fits, and then check our assumptions.

So, let’s begin. 

How can we define the problem of a wedding more broadly?  Perhaps, instead of thinking of it as planning for one day, we think of it as planning for a marriage.  By thinking of it as the start of a marriage, the focus remains on the celebration of the creation of a union, the joining of a couple.  However, now the couple can also consider how they want to establish their united role within their extended family and friendship groups.  Rather than stressing over who to invite or where they will sit, the question becomes how these different groups will be involved in their lives going forward.

Expanding the definition of the problem impacts the categories as well.  Categories for a wedding, or a marriage, include the big three – person, place, or thing.  What those categories include, however, may be different if we are considering the day or the marriage.  When we think wedding day and people, we think the couple, officiant, immediate and extended families, friends, DJ, caterers/servers, photographer, and videographer.  When we think marriage, we think of the couple, immediate and extended families and friends, but we eliminate the others (DJ, caterers/servers, photographer, and videographer).  When we think wedding day and place, we think of a specific location for a specific party.  When we think of marriage and place, we think of where they will live and how that environment will impact their daily lives and happiness.  When we think of the wedding day and things, we think of the cost (for everything), when we think of the marriage, we think about how those costs for one day might impact the ability to achieve our bigger dreams, whatever they might be (a bigger apartment, a home, a family). 

After we expand the problem and consider the categories, we next need to actually check our assumptions.  For example, if we assume that if we exclude someone from the guest list they will be hurt and stop talking to us, we need to check that by asking the person.  I know that sounds risky, but the risk is minimized by the words we use to explain our decision: “We wish we could invite you to be part of our wedding day. Unfortunately, we could not include everyone who has been important to us and who will continue to be important to us.  Please know you will be with us in our hearts; we have every intention to keep you in the more important place in our lives – in our marriage, our lifetime.”  If someone who receives this note chooses to be angry, perhaps that is a different problem that needs to be solved.  The original problem was not how you were going to make others happy.  The original problem was how you were going to celebrate love, optimism, and new beginnings.

If we assume that “everyone” has a big wedding and they expect us to as well, then we need to check that assumption.  It is clear that not everyone has a big wedding.  The more important assumption to check is what the couple considers the key elements of a wedding day to be.  What do they want to remember about that day?  What they wore? The flowers? The way they looked at each other? The vows they made? The love they shared with family and friends? The food? The drinks? The music? The location?

As you outline what you want to remember about the day, it moves the focus from the day to the marriage.  It includes the magical part of being special and surrounded by love.  It includes feeling joy and sharing that joy with others.  It includes recognizing that the people who will remain in your life as a part of your marriage are those who understand the difficult decisions involved in planning a wedding day. 

In reality, the only requirements for a wedding day are a couple and an officiant.  The rest is optional.  So, enjoy solving the problem of how you will celebrate your love, optimism, and new beginnings.  Celebrate your unity, your marriage, your lifetime.

“Marriage is like watching the color of leaves in the fall; ever changing and more stunningly beautiful with each passing day.” ~ Fawn Weaver

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A Complaint Is An Opening

Anxiety, Categorization, Change, Differences, Emotion, Intimacy, Psychology, Relationships, Sociology, Uncategorized, Work-Life Balance, Worry, , , ,

We all feel great after receiving a compliment. It makes us happy and, while we try to stay humble, we might have the urge to share the compliment with cherished family or friends. Compliments, after all, are affirmations of our worth.

Complaints or criticisms, however, rarely make us feel good about ourselves. When we hear one, often our first reaction is upset. Then we add some defensiveness. And for many of us, it ends there; however, we need to learn to work our way to wonder. Why did the person feel that way? What feedback can I get from this? Wonder, then, is the opening to growth.

I will share a recent example. I was teaching an Introduction to Psychology class on Zoom and was enjoying the interaction that had developed among the students. There was an active dialogue, with students sharing orally or in the chat. We were discussing an article about why boys often lose interest in academics. Then, the complaint. One of the students said, “Well, as a man, I can say that I want you to get to the point. Your stories just don’t hold my interest.”

My reaction: immediate upset. Thoughts included: I work so hard to make the material relevant and useful; that was rude; how does he expect me to respond to that accusation? Defensiveness was next. Thoughts included: I have incredible ratings on MyProfessor.com; I have won two awards for Excellence in Teaching, one a statewide award. Who was he to tell me how to teach?

But then, I encouraged myself to move to wonder. Thoughts included: I wonder what kinds of stories would hold his interest; I wonder how many weeks ago he lost interest; I wonder why he still comes to class; I wonder why he felt comfortable sharing his point of view. That was the opening.

Once I recognized that his comment was an invitation for me to engage in a meaningful conversation, the door to growth opened. I embraced the idea that he felt safe enough to criticize me in real time and I was then able to ask how he thought I could improve. We both grew from the exchange of ideas.

I know I’m not alone in my reaction to complaints or criticisms. They are, at their core, feedback. The problem is that so many of us do not know how to provide meaningful feedback. Compliments are easy feedback. The person simply has to tell us what we did right. A complaint or criticism requires that the person includes a suggestion for improvement; it requires that they tell us what they want/need us to do in the future.

Because most people tell us what they don’t want (the complaint) and forget to include what they do want, we tend to go into fight/flight mode, making our response less effective. The fix, however, is to go into “wonder mode”. When I did that, I was able to elicit the feedback I needed from the student. Wonder mode is much more effective that fight/flight mode. It allows us to think and to solve problems.

So, the next time you get some feedback that causes you to feel upset and defensive, try to add the “I wonder.” Say to your supervisor, “I wonder if you can suggest how I can handle that situation next time.” This is a statement that opens a door to growth. The next time your teacher grades an assignment as needs improvement, ask “I wonder if you could offer some advice about what I need to do to improve this grade going forward.” This is a statement that opens a door to growth. The next time your significant other makes a comment that you interpret as a cause for alarm about the health of your relationship ask, “I wonder if there is something I can do to make things better between us.” This is a statement that opens a door to growth, especially if your partner wonders the same.

A complaint is an opening. So, don’t fear it. Instead wonder about it and embrace the opportunity.

Discussing Real Matters – Zoom with Dr. Urban

Anxiety, Change, Emotion, Intimacy, Psychology, Relationships, Uncategorized, Work-Life Balance, Worry

When I’m Not Rushing, Feeling Guilty and Pulled in Every Direction…I Enjoy My Life

So many of us feel like we are always in survival mode, just moving about endlessly from one responsibility to the next, from one requirement to the next, from one obligation to the next. We don’t even have time to consider how we got to this place or what we can do to transition to a “workable” mode, or better yet a “thriving” mode.

Join me for an hour-long online discussion via Zoom at 7PM on Wednesday, February 16th. We will discuss why everything seems to be a priority, how to categorize our priorities more effectively, and how to enjoy our lives – at least a little bit – every day.

Register for the workshop here: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1QnKH2tRkVtGJ1ElfNbf-DcWYr9qR0RUIx0IrdKP-2j4/edit

The fee is $5.00 for one person; $10.00 for 2 or more, payable in advance via Venmo (@Diane-Urban-5) RSVP requested by 5PM on 2/14.

Discussing Real Matters – Zoom with Dr. Urban

Intimacy, Psychology, Relationships, Sociology, Uncategorized

Why Are So Many Of Our Relationships So Draining?

Many people describe relationships as “work” — as if our relationships are onerous, a chore that must be dealt with on a regular basis.  But, what would happen if we saw our relationships as something that must be nurtured, rather than some chore that must be attended to?

Join me for an hour-long online discussion via Zoom at 7PM on Thursday, November, 4th.  We will discuss the factors that make for relationships that revitalize us versus those that drain us.  Relationships will be inclusive tonight – friendships, family, romantic – as we search for what the best relationships in any category have in common.

https://forms.gle/aD7nu5Z9NCyMAZFX6

The fee is $5.00 for one person; $10.00 for 2 or more, payable in advance via Venmo (@Diane-Urban-5) RSVP requested by 5PM on 11/3.