We all feel great after receiving a compliment. It makes us happy and, while we try to stay humble, we might have the urge to share the compliment with cherished family or friends. Compliments, after all, are affirmations of our worth.
Complaints or criticisms, however, rarely make us feel good about ourselves. When we hear one, often our first reaction is upset. Then we add some defensiveness. And for many of us, it ends there; however, we need to learn to work our way to wonder. Why did the person feel that way? What feedback can I get from this? Wonder, then, is the opening to growth.
I will share a recent example. I was teaching an Introduction to Psychology class on Zoom and was enjoying the interaction that had developed among the students. There was an active dialogue, with students sharing orally or in the chat. We were discussing an article about why boys often lose interest in academics. Then, the complaint. One of the students said, “Well, as a man, I can say that I want you to get to the point. Your stories just don’t hold my interest.”
My reaction: immediate upset. Thoughts included: I work so hard to make the material relevant and useful; that was rude; how does he expect me to respond to that accusation? Defensiveness was next. Thoughts included: I have incredible ratings on MyProfessor.com; I have won two awards for Excellence in Teaching, one a statewide award. Who was he to tell me how to teach?
But then, I encouraged myself to move to wonder. Thoughts included: I wonder what kinds of stories would hold his interest; I wonder how many weeks ago he lost interest; I wonder why he still comes to class; I wonder why he felt comfortable sharing his point of view. That was the opening.
Once I recognized that his comment was an invitation for me to engage in a meaningful conversation, the door to growth opened. I embraced the idea that he felt safe enough to criticize me in real time and I was then able to ask how he thought I could improve. We both grew from the exchange of ideas.
I know I’m not alone in my reaction to complaints or criticisms. They are, at their core, feedback. The problem is that so many of us do not know how to provide meaningful feedback. Compliments are easy feedback. The person simply has to tell us what we did right. A complaint or criticism requires that the person includes a suggestion for improvement; it requires that they tell us what they want/need us to do in the future.
Because most people tell us what they don’t want (the complaint) and forget to include what they do want, we tend to go into fight/flight mode, making our response less effective. The fix, however, is to go into “wonder mode”. When I did that, I was able to elicit the feedback I needed from the student. Wonder mode is much more effective that fight/flight mode. It allows us to think and to solve problems.
So, the next time you get some feedback that causes you to feel upset and defensive, try to add the “I wonder.” Say to your supervisor, “I wonder if you can suggest how I can handle that situation next time.” This is a statement that opens a door to growth. The next time your teacher grades an assignment as needs improvement, ask “I wonder if you could offer some advice about what I need to do to improve this grade going forward.” This is a statement that opens a door to growth. The next time your significant other makes a comment that you interpret as a cause for alarm about the health of your relationship ask, “I wonder if there is something I can do to make things better between us.” This is a statement that opens a door to growth, especially if your partner wonders the same.
A complaint is an opening. So, don’t fear it. Instead wonder about it and embrace the opportunity.
Diane
You said just what needed to hear. My sister sent me a few texts that insinuating she some dirty laundry on my family She wrapped it in insincere prayers and concerns.
After wondering I realized by not asking or acting interested in her supposed knowledge she will not get that satisfaction she craved.
Very interesting article!
Wonder how the student reacted though.
Grateful to have read this post before today’s complaint. I was approached by the business owner to speak about a “worry” some of my fellow colleagues have. It was about the tip jar and I immediately felt defensive. My immediate thought, “wow, they don’t trust me. What kind of person do they think I am?”. As I was listening, I noticed he was uncomfortable, maybe a little bit embarrassed, having to tell me what they had said. Thinking back to this post, I put my own feelings aside and asked his opinion on how to resolve this issue. We came up with some ideas and modifications that would not implicate me any further. I’m embracing the opportunity and running with it.
Diane, what about the students that were enjoying your stories, (There was an active dialogue, with students sharing orally or in the chat. We were discussing an article about why boys often lose interest in academics.) I think it’s great that you took time to address the one student, but I’m wondering about the many who now has to receive a different educator based on a maybe a defensive “man”. Ijs, however I do agree the “I wonder” can lead to a better outcome. It is great to hear from you again.
Reading this article makes me realize that reframing a complaint into “I wonder if” helps on having a different perspective of how to handle criticism, but also on how to approach when we are that person who complains to another. The reaction and reception of the message could be a chance for both of us to grow.
I thought that this post was really interesting. Whenever I hear a complaint I too feel a sudden feeling of sadness or anger towards the comment but I have never thought about it as a feeling of invitation. Once you have pointed this out I can relate to it alot especially in my “work”. I play D1 baseball and when we are losing or when a player is doing bad they complain a lot. But not I see this complaint as a invitation of saying help me or maybe they are offeering a solution. Once we can see this I will be able to help my teammates out better and offer them the solution they are yearning for rather than responding to the complaint as a negative impact and return with negativity.