Tag Archives: Anxiety

A Complaint Is An Opening

Anxiety, Categorization, Change, Differences, Emotion, Intimacy, Psychology, Relationships, Sociology, Uncategorized, Work-Life Balance, Worry, , , ,

We all feel great after receiving a compliment. It makes us happy and, while we try to stay humble, we might have the urge to share the compliment with cherished family or friends. Compliments, after all, are affirmations of our worth.

Complaints or criticisms, however, rarely make us feel good about ourselves. When we hear one, often our first reaction is upset. Then we add some defensiveness. And for many of us, it ends there; however, we need to learn to work our way to wonder. Why did the person feel that way? What feedback can I get from this? Wonder, then, is the opening to growth.

I will share a recent example. I was teaching an Introduction to Psychology class on Zoom and was enjoying the interaction that had developed among the students. There was an active dialogue, with students sharing orally or in the chat. We were discussing an article about why boys often lose interest in academics. Then, the complaint. One of the students said, “Well, as a man, I can say that I want you to get to the point. Your stories just don’t hold my interest.”

My reaction: immediate upset. Thoughts included: I work so hard to make the material relevant and useful; that was rude; how does he expect me to respond to that accusation? Defensiveness was next. Thoughts included: I have incredible ratings on MyProfessor.com; I have won two awards for Excellence in Teaching, one a statewide award. Who was he to tell me how to teach?

But then, I encouraged myself to move to wonder. Thoughts included: I wonder what kinds of stories would hold his interest; I wonder how many weeks ago he lost interest; I wonder why he still comes to class; I wonder why he felt comfortable sharing his point of view. That was the opening.

Once I recognized that his comment was an invitation for me to engage in a meaningful conversation, the door to growth opened. I embraced the idea that he felt safe enough to criticize me in real time and I was then able to ask how he thought I could improve. We both grew from the exchange of ideas.

I know I’m not alone in my reaction to complaints or criticisms. They are, at their core, feedback. The problem is that so many of us do not know how to provide meaningful feedback. Compliments are easy feedback. The person simply has to tell us what we did right. A complaint or criticism requires that the person includes a suggestion for improvement; it requires that they tell us what they want/need us to do in the future.

Because most people tell us what they don’t want (the complaint) and forget to include what they do want, we tend to go into fight/flight mode, making our response less effective. The fix, however, is to go into “wonder mode”. When I did that, I was able to elicit the feedback I needed from the student. Wonder mode is much more effective that fight/flight mode. It allows us to think and to solve problems.

So, the next time you get some feedback that causes you to feel upset and defensive, try to add the “I wonder.” Say to your supervisor, “I wonder if you can suggest how I can handle that situation next time.” This is a statement that opens a door to growth. The next time your teacher grades an assignment as needs improvement, ask “I wonder if you could offer some advice about what I need to do to improve this grade going forward.” This is a statement that opens a door to growth. The next time your significant other makes a comment that you interpret as a cause for alarm about the health of your relationship ask, “I wonder if there is something I can do to make things better between us.” This is a statement that opens a door to growth, especially if your partner wonders the same.

A complaint is an opening. So, don’t fear it. Instead wonder about it and embrace the opportunity.

Just Change Your Pants, George

Psychology, Relationships, Sociology, Uncategorized,

“Just change your pants, George.”

“I’m gonna change my pants, Alice. But if I change my pants, I gotta change my jacket! If I change my jacket, I gotta change my shirt! If I change my shirt, I gotta change my tie! I hafta change my belt! I gotta change my shoes! I gotta change my socks!”

“Just change your pants, George.”

This interchange from the movie Beethoven (1992) takes place because Beethoven, a large St. Bernard dog, drooled on George’s pants and by doing so, “destroyed” George’s morning schedule – which George feels is the start to an overwhelming pile of problems.

These few lines make Beethoven one of my favorite movies of all times. It captures the thinking we all experience on those “bad” days when nothing seems to go our way and when we see problems everywhere we turn. More importantly, it represents the panic we all experience when change is required.

Sometimes, all we can see are the negative effects of change, blinding us from the opportunities for growth and happiness that are in front of us. In George’s case, innumerable problems confront him if he accepts the need to change his pants: he’ll then have to change his jacket, shirt, tie, belt, shoes, and socks. In the moment, George cannot see that changing his pants presents him with the opportunity to, on the most basic level, go to work with pants that are not full of dog saliva, but also with a more important opportunity: the chance to start his day over, look and feel better, and, most importantly, change his attitude about “life”.

This scenario is a humorous depiction of our tendency to “not be able to see the forest for the trees.” He is so caught up in the details that he misses the opening into the clearing. We all have the tendency to do that sometimes. The details overwhelm us and we lose sight of the bigger picture. Like George, we get caught up in the anticipation of change. It is the anticipation that often overwhelms us, not the actual change.

Change is an inherent part of life. We change physically, mentally, and emotionally every day. Most of these changes go unnoticed. It is the larger changes – the ones we anticipate – that cause us to worry.

As I have written before, worry is simply an indicator that some kind of change is necessary. So the key is to minimize the anticipation of the negative “what ifs” and keep our eye on the goal – that change is natural, that it represents an opportunity for our growth.

Let me provide some examples:

  • The start of the school year brings changes in schedules, routines, and expectations. A parent gets caught up in the chores that are part of the start of school – the need for backpacks filled with supplies, the need to prepare breakfast and lunch, the need to get to the bus on time. They anticipate that if their child is unprepared in some way, that the teacher will get annoyed, the teacher will have a bad opinion of their child, the child will have a bad year (in other words, the pants, jacket, shirt, tie, belt, shoes, socks of school). They forget that the actual goal is to prepare their child to enjoy school, to enjoy learning, and to listen to the best and worst parts of the child’s day. Once that goal is recognized, the chores can become part of the solution. If the chores are done together, as a family community, then chores provide an opportunity for chatting and for listening to each other. The change that occurs is positive and reflects the natural growth in all members of the family.
  • Generally, the rule in elementary school is that everyone in class must be invited to a party. As that rule changes, a child anticipates that not getting invited to a specific party represents the end of their social life. The spiral of catastrophe (they will never have friends, their social life is over, school will be awful – the pants, jacket, shirt, tie, belt, shoes, socks of school social life) is all that is seen. If they focus, instead, on the goal of having friends who share their interests, and values, and who are kind, then the change in rules provides an opportunity to learn how to be more selective in our friendships – a lesson that we learn and re-learn throughout our lifetime.
  • A couple considering their future together is often confronted with a considerable amount of negative statements about commitment. They are bombarded with information that tells them that people are not meant to be monogamous, that long term relationships get boring, that they will get on each other’s nerves (the pants, jacket, shirt, tie, belt, shoes, socks of commitment). They worry that the commitment will lead to a negative change in their relationship. If they focus instead on the goal of making each other happy, they will continually find ways to do that, making their relationship a “living” entity that must be nourished and attended to as it grows (changes) over time. If they want to make each other happy, they will find ways to do that. They may not (in fact will not) be able to do that all the time, but the want provides a path toward happiness.

The next time you feel the anticipation of change, don’t let it impact you in a negative way. Think of the anticipation as a sign that change is necessary. Try to identify the goal – the change that is required – and let the goal help you find a solution to the problem. Recognize that the anticipation is almost always worse than whatever the change will actually be. Remember that change is natural and necessary; change represents an opportunity to start over, to improve, to add to our lives. Remember to just change your pants, George, and it will be okay.

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If/Then

Psychology, Relationships, Sociology, Uncategorized, , ,

Our English teachers taught us that complex sentences use conjunctions – a “joiner” word – to bring two thoughts into a unified whole. Not only do complex sentences help us sound more intelligent, they also help us shape our lives because how we connect our thoughts can have a profound effect on our happiness.

For example, when a client says, “I want to meet someone but I know I never will” they are unhappy in the moment and see a future filled with unhappiness. If they say, “I want to meet someone and I know I will” they are filled with hope in the present and optimism for the future. If they say, “I want to meet someone so I went out” they are actively doing something that might change their present condition. It is not the connecting word alone that matters – it is the thoughts that are logically connected by the word we choose. It would not make sense, for example, to say, “I want to meet someone so I stayed home alone.” The so demanded an action to accomplish the goal stated in the first sentence.

In other words, being aware of these connections – and choosing to make more effective connections – is a fairly simple way to change our perspective. Let me give you more examples:

 “If I stay in this job I hate, then I will become more and more unhappy.” A more effective connection would be, “If I look for a new job, then I might find one that brings me more satisfaction.” “If I leave this relationship, then I might be alone forever” could be changed to, “If I move on to a new relationship, then I might find greater happiness.” Similarly, if only statements can get us stuck in the past rather than move us toward a more satisfying future: “If only I had not pushed for a commitment, we would still be together” keeps us pining for a relationship that is over.  Saying, “Although he/she was not ready for a commitment, I’m glad I let my goals be known”, however, allows us to take the positive from the past while moving toward a future in which both parties can find greater fulfillment. “I want to spend the rest of my life with you but I’m worried that I don’t make as much money as you so I will be a financial burden” changed to “I want to spend the rest of my life with you so I was wondering how you feel about the differences in our income” allows greater problem solving and less anxiety/worry.  It keeps the focus on the goal and invites multiple options to emerge.

 Even if can also be problematic. I have heard clients say, “Even if I meet someone now, I’ll be too old to have children.” Here the focus is on unfulfilled dreams and, in essence, provides no path to new dreams or fulfillment. Changing the statement to “Whether I meet someone or not, I will find a way to make some children happier” leads to finding a way to fulfill the original dream in some form (work in a hospital with babies born to mothers on drugs, volunteer to coach or spend time with children who have single parents or are in foster care, spend time with nieces/nephews/children of friends, etc.).

Words are important; they matter. So, choose your words carefully and use them as a pathway to greater contentment. If you seek greater happiness, then you will find it. It will “pop out” at you because your new perspective will allow it present itself.

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First Day of School Jitters

Education, Psychology, Sociology, , , ,

I think we can all remember the anticipation of a new school year. The excitement of beginning anew, the anticipation of seeing old friends or meeting new ones, waiting for the letter that tells us what homeroom we are in and who our teacher would be. I think we can also all remember the jitters before school as well – the butterflies in our stomach, the dread of not having any friends in our class or not meeting new ones, the fear that our teacher would be the “awful” one, and the fear that this would be the worst year of our life.

What we need to keep in mind is that although we know that it will all be OK (because somehow we survived school), we need to keep in mind that our children do not know this. For them, the anxiety is real and our job is to keep it at a healthy level – a level where it motivates them to do their best, to rise to a challenge, and to pursue personal growth. When anxiety moves beyond the healthy level, the costs begin to outweigh the benefits. Personal growth is replaced by sleepless nights, upset stomachs, poor concentration, and the development of separation fears. To help us remember what they are feeling, it is important that we remember that the feelings, thoughts, and anxieties that the children have on the first day of school are really the same as those we feel on the first day of college or the first day of a new job, or even the anxiety we feel upon the return to our “established” position after a vacation. We manage these jitters because our past experiences with this type of anxiety have inoculated us, making us better able to withstand it. Children don’t have the multitude of experiences we have so they cannot call upon them as evidence that this situation will work out okay too. So, what can we do?

As parents, we can:

  • Familiarize them with the environment they will be in. Take advantage of opportunities that the school district provides where children can go into the building and look around. Familiarity eases anxiety. For young children, it is learning where things are, how to find their room, or what their teacher looks like. For middle school children, it is learning how to use the lock on the locker. For teens, it is knowing where their friends will be, who they will have lunch with, who will have study hall with them.
  • Give them a sense of control. Let them know that you believe in their ability to handle the situation and give them strategies for doing so. If they are worried about whether you will forget to meet them at the bus stop after school, reassure them that you will be there and then let them know what to do in case you are not. Let them know they are safe so they feel in control.
  • Give them a sense of predictability. Let them know what the schedule will be like. This is important at every age. The kindergarten child wants to know what they will do when they walk in the room and what will happen after that. The tween and teen wants to know what “specials” are on each day, what after school activities they will have each day, and when the school vacations will be.
  • Understand that as school becomes more imminent, their anxiety about it will increase. So, we need to prepare beforehand so that the night before is as stress-free as possible. Make sure all the items your child needs are available and put in the backpack so there is no last minute uncertainty about whether they will be “in trouble” for not being prepared. (Getting things ready beforehand also relates to giving them a sense of control and increasing the predictability that the first interaction with the teacher will be a positive one).
  • Help them reframe their anxiety. While my own children would get so frustrated with me when I said this, it is still one of my favorite phrases – and one I have all of my students repeat before an exam – “I’m not worried, I’m excited!” Of course, they do not feel excited at the moment and it seems to be negating their reality, but, anxiety and excitement have the same physiological effect on our body; they both activate our fight/flight system. The label we give that physical event, however, changes our reaction to that physiology. So, excitement raises our belief that the situation will turn out positively, while nervousness makes us focus on how we need to protect ourselves from what is about to happen. The focus changes the strategies we use in the situation and excitement leads to better strategies for handling the jitters we feel. If they are worried because last year was a tough one for them, reframe it as “This year is a new year”; remind them of the other positive changes that have happened and help them build on that (i.e. they can now tie their own shoes, or drive their own cars). Help them to understand that if some things have changed, school can too.
  • Recognize that as school becomes more imminent, your own anxiety will increase. We need to handle our worries so they do not increase our children’s worries. If you are worried about their safety in school, talk to school administrators about it. If you are worried about their academic preparation, reach out to the teacher and find out about the support systems that are available. Most teachers offer after-school help and in many states, the American Federation of Teachers has a homework helpline that can be a wonderful resource.  If you are worried that your schedule is tight and you may miss their bus drop-off or pick-up, then contact the PTA and ask if there are other parents with that concern and form a committee to help each other. If you are worried about the “bad influences” out there, remind yourself that while peer influences increase as our children get older, our influence is never wiped out. If you stay emotionally connected to your kids, they will hear your advice even when you are not there to give it.
  • You may experience separation anxiety. If you feel the separation anxiety, if you feel that sense that time is moving too quickly and your “baby” is gone, remember that every phase of life brings its joy, and this will too. Recognizing the joy in the moment allows us to form beautiful memories of the past and positive hopes for the future. I always find comfort in the idea that growing up does not mean they will not need us; it means they will need us differently.

If you happen to be a teacher and you are reading this, there are, of course, things you can do as well to reduce your students’ anxiety. You can have a welcome note on their desks when they arrive so that they immediately know they are joining the community of your classroom, a place where you will treat each other with respect. Invite them to write you back so you can learn more about them. Have a week of changing seats rather than assigned seats this way you can see the dynamics among the various students and they can realize that the potential for their social group is larger than the few people who sit near them. Have everyone say only their name on a daily basis for the first week so everyone learns names – and the shy students practice speaking without feeling any anxiety about what they have to say or remember (such as trying to remember all the names that have already been said – a task that terrifies many students). Talk to your colleagues about other class community bonding activities they utilize so that you can further ease your students’ beginning of the year anxiety.

Whether you are a parent, a teacher, or a student, a new school year brings new anxieties. I imagine that even reading these strategies caused some anxiety. Anxiety lessens, but never disappears – and that is a good thing because at a healthy level, anxiety helps us grow. So, remember what I said – every time we are anxious, it inoculates us from future anxiety. While we may experience jitters in a variety of settings over our lifetime, the jitters do get less. The anxiety decreases and the anticipation/excitement increases. Our coping skills improve because we increase our experiences and are able to apply the knowledge gained to other situations.

I hope these strategies will help you to enjoy the coming school year or whatever new situation you face. Keep in mind the best advice I know for handling a new experience:

“You’re off to great places. Today is your day. Your mountain is waiting, so get on your way” -Dr. Seuss

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