Over the last few days, I have heard random people list their hatreds. People hate (insert food). They hate (insert weather). They hate (insert animal). They hate (insert political candidate/person). They hate (insert religion). They hate (insert ethic/cultural group). They hate (insert sexual orientation). They hate (insert occupation). “Hate” is an incredibly strong word and while it may seem okay to use it when describing momentary discomforts (like the weather) or preferences (such as one food versus another), the word has much more significance when used to describe characteristics that one cannot choose (such as place of birth) or the core values of others (like religion).
Every time I hear the word, I think of a song from the musical “South Pacific”. The musical is set during World War II, a tumultuous time that defined my parents’ youth and early adulthood. My father fought in the war. My mother watched her brothers, cousins, and friends go to war. So, the musical (and its lessons) stuck with me. One song in particular declared, “You’ve got to be taught to hate and fear…You’ve got to be taught before it’s too late, before you are 6, or 7, or 8…. You’ve got to be carefully taught” (Rodgers & Hammerstein). I grew to understand that hate was a strong word, a word that caused “terrible things” and I carried this lesson into my professional understanding of hatred.
Psychologically speaking, hate and fear do go together. They are both emotions and as such, they are both physiologically based. They are set in motion by the hypothalamus and trigger our autonomic and endocrine systems to activate. In essence, they both involve the arousal of our “fight or flight” response. Our respiration changes, our perspiration changes, our muscle tension changes, our digestion is impacted. They also both have a cognitive or learned component that helps us cope with the “fight or flight” response. The physiological responses are similar: the cognitive element is based on how we define the situation we are in, and the definition is based, in large part, on what we are taught by our families, our friends, our society as a whole. Just as Rodgers & Hammerstein warned us in “South Pacific”, our culture and our own experiences can teach us to fear or to hate just about anything.
Yet, fear and hate do have their differences. Fear is defined as a response to a serious threat to our well-being. Hatred is defined more loosely – as we can see by the number of ways we are able to use the word in a sentence. Fear is a closed system, by that I mean it often turns us insular; the goal is to protect ourselves. Sometimes, this may include protecting those we care about, but in either case, it tends to reduce the size of the circle. We must protect ourselves and those we love from what is “out there” – an idea that blends well with the development of hatred. Hatred is the justification for reducing the circle: we must keep those things/people out because they will hurt us. As the circle tightens, the mechanism for keeping others out must be enhanced.
Before you know it, we consider building walls, believing they can keep us safe. Humans have been doing this for centuries. We have built forts, castles, and electric fences – all designed to keep “us” safe and “them” out. In this physical sense, walls are seen as a way to protect us and enhance our sense of well-being. Clearly, in some ways this is true. It is better to live in a home than on the street. However, psychologically speaking, walls have a very different connotation. Walls keep us from sharing who we are, they stunt our growth, and they keep us from going outside of our comfort zone. They are things we hide behind. They are things that block us from our emotions, from our ability to see inside (or let others see inside), or from moving to a new or better place. By building these walls, we limit our ability to achieve our full potential. In a psychological context, walls isolate us, make us feel that the only one we can trust is ourselves, lead us to feel more fear because we KNOW we cannot survive on our own.
I can go on and on about psychological walls, but I think Paul Simon gave a remarkably good summary of what it is like to live inside the walls we build: “I’ve built walls, a fortress deep and mighty, that none may penetrate. I have no need of friendship, friendship causes pain. It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain. I am a rock, I am an island…A rock feels no pain, and an island never cries” (Simon, Paul. EMI Music Publishing, Universal Music Publishing Group). Whenever I hear that song, I feel sad. Ironically, even though Paul Simon doesn’t want to care about anyone, the words evoke empathy and I share the pain of his situation. If we were all to build walls, we would block out that key human quality of empathy, something even infants are capable of experiencing. If you have ever been in the presence of a group of newborns, you would know that when one cries, they all begin to cry. It would seem to be a collaborative effort setting out an alert for the adults “out there” to come and do something to help. Toddlers will share their blanket with others who are in distress. The fact that these behaviors are present without training speaks volumes about their survival benefit; our instincts tell us we need each other.
Fear of other humans is not innate; it is, as I said before, taught. The fact that we must teach “stranger danger” speaks volumes. I am not suggesting that we eliminate teaching our children about the danger of some strangers, but I am cautioning about how far we have taken this. We need to consider how the fear of others has grown too expansive. We need to evaluate the criteria we are using to define strangers and question the validity of these criteria. We need to carefully consider how much fear we instill in children when we tell them that physicians, police officers, teachers, babysitters, relatives, all possess some element of danger. We must consider what this level of fear is doing to us. When our neighbors become defined as strangers, when we don’t look at the people we pass in the corridors at work, when we assume that most people are evil, we create a world where our fight or flight system is always on, where our bodies are physically taxed, and where our emotional life is drained. We add to our stress because when we do need to reach out (we are sick and need someone to get our medicine; we lost our wallet and need money for public transportation; we are lost and our phone is out of battery), our circle is so small that those within it may not be able to or available to provide the needed assistance.
It is crucial that we expand our thinking and come to recognize that there are billions of good people “out there”. We cannot be fooled into thinking that the “bad” we see on the news on a daily basis represents all of humanity. We know that is not true. My heartfelt belief is that we need to develop mutual dependence and recognize that we are not meant to survive on our own; we are meant to survive and thrive as a group.
“All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.” -Edmund Burke
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Hi my friend,
Thank you again for first being the wonderful, thoughtful woman you are and a teacher
Sometimes even I need to be reminded that there is more to e gained by being vulnerable.
As I read, I was reminded of what I have come to believe…… There is really no such thing as them and us.
I think it is the them and us mentality that sets the fear or hate in motion
We are one.
With love
Linda
Dear Diane, I love your post!
While I was reading it, I was writing some specific sentences that caught my attention, but I stopped writing because I was going to end writing everything; It is awesome.
I like the format that you wrote the post, especially the first paragraph, so that we can insert our thoughts or feelings. Two weeks ago I said something that reminded me of this post. I went to a place to do some errands, but the case was that after waiting for long time, I could not solve anything, so I said ” I hate this ( )” but the reality was that I did not hated that place, the matter was that I could not obtain what I wanted at that time and because of that, I got mad. again, I remembered the post and laught.
There is a moment in life where we understand that we need from others, someone that can be with us not only in our happiness, but in our sorrows. Our ego tell us that we can do everything without any help from others, but the truth is that we need them. WE NEED OTHERS AS OTHER CAN NEED US.
Hakuna matata?
I agree with all of this post, perfectly said! You’re right when you said humans have been building walls to keep ourselves safe or what they think keeps them safe. Relating to current events, Mr. Trump wants to build a wall to keep many people from coming into the U.S. He wants to isolate the citizens of the United States and not share all the benefits that comes from living in this country. Also, the media does a good job in telling us all the scary stuff there is out there, but doesn’t do a good job in showing us the good that there is out there. Yes, some people are bad and bad things do happen, but there are some incredible strangers and good things do happen. We should allow people in our circles!
This is very true and yet most people put little thought into this. I do this all the time and never did I notice until now, we as people do believe that everyone is a threat, we try to protect ourselves by staying alone, isolation and that way one cant get hurt. The result of that would be when you actually need somebody you wont have anybody for support, humans are meant to grow and strive together, i guess it is sort of right of passage to be independent and that what everybody wants. I’m gonna do this on my own, completely on my own we say, but we need others as much as we don’t want to admit it.
At first,I though this article was going to explain us about the danger from expressing hate and fear, on a daily basis. On the other hand, I was in disbelief when I discovered how fear and hate are similar and different from each other. I thought that both emotions were completely did different from each other, and are expressed in different situations. In addition,this article has taught me some cool facts about walls that I never knew about. To begin, I that the sole reason for a wall was to keep all danger away from a person. However, this article has change my perspective of walls and made me realize that being isolated from walls for to long can hurt a person in a “psychological” way.
Another great post! I definitely feel like people use the word “hate” far too much. I can’t really talk because I use it way too much myself, but still hate is a word that humans use so loosely. It’s the same with “love”, but since love is a positive feeling, it’s not nearly as frowned upon or focused on as hate is. I also feel that hate and fear was a big concept for people voting for a certain somebody in this election. Another thing that I loved about this whole post is about how much hate and fear correlate with each other. If a child is taught to not talk to strangers, like you explained, or even taught to not talk to certain race, like a white person is brought up not liking African Americans, or any other race, through their childhood they will most likely be afraid of black people, and then when they get older and mature, this fear will lead to hate, which sadly, ultimately leads to racism, which is still a huge problem in this country, and was a big deciding factor for who people were going to vote for in this country.
Wow, very interesting! I feel like people use the word “hate” way too casually! I am to blame for this as well! It is a word with a lot of meaning and emotion and we have turned it into something different. AS your blog goes on I found myself nodding in agreement with everything you said. Fear and hate are taught, I agree. When you think of a wall physically and psychologically you picture two different things, but are still very similar. Physically, we build walls to keep out what we fear and it makes us feel safe to be protected by something that can separate us from what we fear. Psychologically, we build walls because for the same reason, we want to keep out what we fear or what makes us anxious.
I admit I use the word hate sometimes when describing a food, object, place, etc. However I have always refrained from using towards people, I also always felt that hate was a strong word. The irony to this is that after reading your post I realized I’m in a realm of contradiction. If it’s too strong a word to use with people why have I made it acceptable to use towards other areas in life? Looking forward I’m going to use the word less when referring to other things as well. I guess I never realized its an ugly word regardless of how its used. The second part was also interesting because as embarrassing as it is to admit, I feel as though my previous profession has molded me to often be in fight or flight, not because of any negative agenda, more specifically to protect myself in dangerous situations. Even though I have since switched professions I still feel as though I strongly held on to that value and that might be something I need to focus on to become a stronger person in the future. The last thing I want to do is have a child/children and have them grow up constantly being defensive of people and their surroundings. Being aware of your surroundings is important but not every situation requires a defensive nature, its just not healthy. Thank you for this read, it was very enlightening and gave me a few things to think about.
This was a great post, and it really made me think. After reading I can’t help but to think of all the times I used the word “hate” to describe how I was feeling towards someone or something. I also cant help but to think if I really meant hate! I can honestly say that I didn’t mean it, there are probably very few things or people in this world that I hate.
A much better word to use would be dislike or don’t prefer. Several times have I said I hate my job, I hate this weather, I hate this meal or I hate this person. I think in todays world we definitely over use the word hate and by doing so we kind of soften the true meaning.
These posts are great! I agree with a lot of the points you raised and many left me thinking, but there is one thing I disagree with (and it may only because I’m jaded).
You’re so right, I have found myself and heard others use the word “hate” in such a matter of fact way that we’ve forgotten the real strength that word can have. I remember being taught the word hate and being told that it was a bad word and it should only be associated with things that that deserved it and that I had a high level of disdain for.
With regards to fear and hatred in the world today, I completely agree with you about where we are now are as a society regarding fear and the blind hatred that has developed from it. We build walls literally and metaphorically because we fear what’s outside of our “norm”. We also fear what the media deems as unacceptable. However, where I disagree is the idea of requiring a larger circle. Personally, I have attempted many times to enlarge my circle by allowing people whom I wanted to believe were good in or by giving people the benefit of the doubt. In the end all that was proven was that I was better off with my small circle of people because the larger your circle, the higher the probability that there will be unnecessary drama and problems. I would like to believe that people (for the most part) are inherently good, but I believe that as we get older we lose that part of our innocence that affords us the ability to be good. I feel the less people you have in your circle, the better off you are because the likely hood of finding people that are genuine, selfless and that have your best interest at heart are very slim.
After reading this post I feel self conscious about my casual use of the word hate. For instance, I hate the rain, I hate okra, and I hate kitten heels. These are all things I have thought. I’ve always applied the word hate to describe things that have no actual affect on me. As a person of color I have experienced hate/fear from people who have been taught to feel this way about people who look like me. within our divided country people are being encouraged to hate with insensitive words that our administration is spewing.
Wow, what a great blog post! I also feel the same way about the word “hate” people throw the word around way to much nowadays as well as the word “racist”. Too many people throw around strong words that shouldn’t be used in every day conversations. They say that word too casually. We all say we hate this and that as well as myself, no one is perfect. It’s a word that expresses many feelings but we use it so casually that we can throw it in any sentence, i HATE that! I agree with everything your blog(s) posts say. Both hate and fear are shown and taught, totally agree. When you wrote about the wall, anyone can think of that both psychologically and physically, they are different but at the same time very similar. Psychologically, we have walls that we build due to the fact that we want to keep the fear out. Physically, we have walls that we build to keep out the same thing which is fear and the wall also makes us feel safer/protected by the the wall that can keep us safe from fear and any other bad emotions. Can’t wait to read upcoming blogs!
I really didn’t know that Hate and fear would be in the same category but the walls you described helped understand that their not so different at all. I think personally having so much hatred in your life can become very toxic.
It amazes me how we just say I hate so often without even thinking about its true meaning. I say this almost everyday to my wife that kids react to what they are taught and if we teach our kids love, empathy and patience instead of teaching them hate, fear and entitlement this world would be a better place. Great post and I appreciate how passionate you are about these words.
Dr. Urban,
What a great blog! Now-a-days is it very easy to say that we hate object and thing like the examples you used, I hate the weather today or I hate that food. Know that only person that is being affect that those comment are you. Taking it one step further direct that hate to a person or a group such as a religion or I hate that person, it takes on a totally new meaning.
Hatred is without-a-doubt a learn behavior and fear consequently is a byproduct of that hatred. Trying to learn from each other so we can better understand each other will help bridge the gaps with society ultimately turning the hatred into love.
I found his article amazingly interesting. I can speak for myself and say I build walls with many relationships in my life. I actually remember when it began, my teen years. With that, I obviously notice what I am doing but it is to prevent the highs and lows we feel in life. Maybe there is more to it in my case, but ever since I have done this my relationships have improved. In my opinion at least.
I will admit that I sometimes use the word hate as you’ve described in this post. And I can remember my mom telling me long ago not to use that word because it’s such a strong word. But there are many other everyday words people use that are just as strong…like love, stop, and black. It all depends on the context in which they’re being used.
I agree that in some situations the words hate and fear do go together. But in contrast, just because I say I hate eating frog legs doesn’t mean that I’m afraid of them. And yes, both hatred and fear causes us to build walls to “protect” ourselves; whether it be something emotional like our hearts or something physical like our homes. It’s important that we don’t get stuck in this state of fear and hatred and be willing to open up and experience all that life has to offer.
This article is full of great examples of how two things that seem completely different are in fact more or less the same exact thing. I found it interesting to read about the newborns who cry when the others cry a means to get the adults. In my opinion I see more, especially at workplaces, a “child cry” and the newborns around actually make the child cry more while staying quiet when the adult is around , using their weakness as power. It is amazing that things that seem so tiny at such an early age really make a big impact on our life. I personally know someone who has dealt with anxiety since they were 10 years old. It was only now, at 31 that they have come to realize by stepping away from the situation, that the main reason for their anxiety was fear based. Growing up, both of their parents would create unnecessary fear all the while trying to be teachers and keep their child “safe.” In reality they were creating a child afraid of everything, losing, failure, the unknown, change. Once they grew into an adult and started to tackle these fears, they realized how irrational the fear based teachings were. This was a great article I truly enjoyed.
This article reminds me of the importance of teamwork. Teamwork should not only be something we think about or do at work while working on a project or getting things done. I think we should build a teams in our personal lives. Surrounding ourselves with people we can count on help us to overcome fears. Having a large group of people or teams who have different experiences and background help us grow as individual and help us to overcome our fears.
In this article id have to agree with the points that most of childhood fears are determined by our parents guidance. I remember that my father used to always tell me that if I didn’t brush my teeth every night my teeth would fall out. So I always remember that when I would forget to or have a sleepover at a friends house I would have a bad dream that my teeth would fall out. That was the fear that I would have just because he told me that they would fall out. When it comes to realization that you can’t believe everything you see on the tv, the internet, and social media good luck. In the world we live today kids mostly learn everything from those three so its impossible for them not to be influenced by them in the way they want to. I do agree though that we all must make our own judgement on people and fears when it really comes down to it though.
It’s really sad to think of how fear and hate are taught directly and indirectly to our children. There are so many children out there that are bi-racial and they just identify mommy for mommy and daddy for daddy. When they see a woman they associate it to their mother despite the color and when they see another man they associate it with their father. For example, my niece is 5 years old and is Puerto Rican, Irish and Jamaican. My sister is Puerto Rican and Irish and extremely fair skinned and her husband is Jamaican and much darker than my sister. My niece has never once made any distinction between their skin color and only sees them as mommy and daddy. It pains me to know that sooner than later someone will ruin that innocence for her. On top of that, she’s overweight and I have taken her to parks where the children AND parents look at her funny. I have had parents motion for their kids to not play with her as if something was wrong with her and I have had white parents (mainly foreigner like Russian and Albanian) motion for their kids not to play with her because of her skin color, so I have said loudly, “That’s ok baby, Titi Mel will play with you!”
I think more people should read this article and adopt even an 1/8th of the way you think because the world would really be a better place.
Dear Diane,
This is a great post, I thing we can all stop and think about our choice of words. I agree we use way too often strong words unnecessarily that depending of the audience it could be irresponsible of our part. In the other hand a better selection of words can help find the light or solution easier and avoid frustration, is very true that ultimately we are the ones directly affected by it. I am looking forward to use words wisely since these words create emotions; I like the explanation above that: “They are set in motion by the hypothalamus and trigger our autonomic and endocrine systems to activate In essence, they both involve the arousal of our “fight or flight” response.”
Reading about walls and the different connotation they have between the physical walls and the psychologically speaking walls well here is another great opportunity to get rid of the self impose walls that keep us from growing, it is very truth that we learn and progress the most when going outside of our comfort zone.
I also agree with the last post: “I think more people should read this article” it could be very helpful to see the big picture.
I believe this is my favorite article. The world 🌎 is much more than the bad stuff that the every day news show to us. There is so much love and kindness that doesn’t make it to the news, let’s open our eyes and be kind with each other
Thank u professor for this article and i have to say that I miss being in your class. Eventually i will like to take life span, if you teach that class i will definitely sing up with you 😊.
reading this post I began to see a lot of it in me. Growing up I would always isolate myself and try to limit my interaction with people because I was to scared to ever get close to anyone just because I felt they would do me wrong. It sort of is ingrained in me in that growing up my parents would always tell me there is bad people out there and to always be careful. So my selection for people I let in is super intensive. When you wrote that building walls leads to lack of empathy I also agreed so much with it as avoiding certain situations just to make yourself comfortable distances your connection with others and leaves you detached and cold to everyone’s emotions. I do feel that people should stop trying to impress people and live in this facade. People should stop being so scared to be themselves and let others in so others can start doing the same. Now saying this sounds way to easy I know but I feel that if more people realize that others are also in the same place instead of acting better or okay, people would relate more to others and be more social. Over all though I really enjoyed this post and I really feel this should be discussed more as being more open and not always on edge is so mentally healthy for everyone.
A student wrote me this very thoughtful comment on this post and I had to share them: “I have grown up hearing my parents and family members saying that I should not talk to strangers. “Be aware whenever you are alone without your parents”, this were the exact lines my grandmother is still saying. My parents made me carry a pepper spray with me. My family members could not be blamed because they want me to be safe in the world out there. In my country, India, it is very rare to find a newspaper without reporting sexual abuses against women. They also taught me to be a good human being by helping people around me. This article made me realize how my family member’s idea of being a good human being is contradicted with the idea of not interacting with strangers. Now I am an adult, I still has the fear of starting a conversation with a stranger, but somehow I try to handle it because I know how important is to be socially interactive, otherwise, people will call you “a weirdo”. I like to help the needy and do good things for the society, but deep inside there also lies a dreadful and a selfish person who is not willing to take risks.
Borders of sex, race, background, religion and nationality grows within us, no matter how hard you try to get rid of them; the society decides how a person should behave. If a person does something different from what she/he should be doing, then they are blamed and neglected. This is why everyone has a fear of doing the right. Nobody wanted to be hated or neglected for doing the right, so people tend to follow the crowd, believing that is the practical thing to be done. Walls and borders are meant to be broken, because only then people get to know each other and treat each other as fellow beings. The actual humanity is when a person is able to empathize with others, and when there is not a word “stranger”. Hate and fear for strangers can never make a person a good human being and morally right society with no borders”.
My mother always said to me as a kid, don’t say the word hate, say dislike instead. Whenever I hear my kids say the word hate, I always tell them to not use that word. Hate is a strong word no matter how it is used. My fears in life are for my kids. Will they be ok in the future? Are they going to finish school and be successful? As a parent, we I hate to have this fear, but I know I have to be strong for them.
I enjoyed the blog very much. I do agree that fear and hate have to be taught. I love watching groups of innocent small children that do not yet understand all of the color, gender, nationality, and religious labels that we have. They don’t care if you are green with googly eyes, especially if you are nice and want to play. I have watched them help each other, laugh with each other, and embrace each other. What a beautiful sight, it warms your heart at what we as human beings are capable of before we build those walls. I correct my children when they use the word hate as I do believe it has a very strong connotation. Hate and fear destroy us as people. Hate and fear cause wars. Hate and fear cause assassinations.
I want to be free and loving like my children, and I try to. I never want to live my life in hate and fear because I believe it causes ignorance. I love traveling, meeting new people, seeing their land and embracing their culture. I think it is beautiful to expand our horizons, to build on our empathy for other human beings. We all bleed red.
Building walls to keep people out is divisive. It invokes fear that we need a wall and furthers builds the hatred. How can you hate someone you don’t even know, someone you did not even try to know? I think it is easier to find similarities with other people than differences. We need to tear down walls and get to know each other. Our human tribe would be stronger this way.
After reading this post, I realized I also say the word “hate” way too much. Ironically , I quickly correct my 3 year old when she says the word hate. I tell her that the word hate is an extremely harsh and strong word that should be used in only extreme and serious situations. I should take my own advice when using the word as well! When it comes to stranger danger, my mother literally taught to be not trust anyone but her, not even some family. As I got older, this was bit too extreme and maybe why I have trust issues. For my daughter now, shes the complete opposite of me, so outgoing, so friendly and I am now dealing with what is the best way to make her aware of strangers and not everyone is your friend but to also be fearless in safe way.
Fear and hate are two of the most overtaught values these days. I think this is much to do with the way society has evolved especially over the recent decades. People have grown with a fear of one another, building walls to create a division. It is sad that this is very much the norm and the worst is always feared of others. We have become enclosed in our own worlds too much as a result have lost common bonds with others.
I see hate as an evil, bitter and a destructive word that is over used. I think most people use it with knowing what they are really saying. There is so much hate in the world, much of which is driven from everyday frustrations (commuting, dealing with others etc.) I really do not know what the answer to the fear and hate problems that exist, it has become a complex part of the people we are today. I would hope that humans could begin to trust one another again, to build relationships, to forget fear and hate and to live with freedom.
My company is going through some really tough growing pains right now. For years this company embodied a male dominated workplace. after much review Con Ed was found not to be progressing women in the workplace. a lot of this behavior was passed down with the belief that women weren’t competent enough to do a “mans” job.
Men feared women outdoing them or making more money than them. This fear led to hatred and discrimination. Women were either looked as sexual objects or pigeon holed to office jobs. The company has been going through some very big culture changes in the past 8 years. There has been much improvement and it will only get better. The workforce is much more diverse now and women are in every avenue of the company.
This article brought me back to a particular event that happened in my childhood when my sister and I were having a heated argument while waiting for the elevator to come to our floor. The argument became so heated that I screamed to my sister that I hated her in front of all her friends. About 25 years later, my sister finally revealed to me that those words ” I hate you” is the reason for her keeping her distance and building a wall towards me all those years growing up. She also admitted that she spoils my nephew because of the fear he may one day scream the words “I hate you”. Her telling me about that incident has brought us very close nowadays. She is relieved to actually know that I never hated her. Learning from my mistakes and realizing how one word can ruin a friendship, I have made it my duty to install in my daughter that she should not fear in her heart and that “hatred is a feeling which leads to the extinction of values.”
I hate you are very strong words. I remember my daughter saying this to me and my wife because we told her that she couldn’t go somewhere with her friends. I think that my wife still feels the pain of those words. My daughter never said those words again when she realized how much they hurt my wife. I think it was one of the first times I didn’t over react and was able to sit down with her and explain how words can hurt.
I really enjoyed this post because it did make me think a lot of things and as a young child I grew up in a strict household where I wasn’t allowed to sleepover a friends house, go out alone nor come home late if it wasn’t with a family member. Now that I am older I am afraid to do so many things, I stay to myself and only open up to certain people but even though my mom always put fear in me and I was never allowed to take the train or the bus alone, one thing that my mom did tell me and teach me was, I should never hate something or someone because hate is a strong word and we only use it when we don’t like something or see something that hurts us inside. The word “hate” was never used in my house nor outside of the house, I was taught to be kind and have compassion towards people even if I really didn’t agree with them. So this post really did open my eyes and I can relate to it so much.
I found the blog very relevant to what is going on in my life as well as society. I do agree that hate is a very powerful word, one that inspired through fear in mostly adults . I also feel a thought the youth of today use it without knowing the true impact of the word. For example .I have 4 children under the age of 9, they constantly use the word when is applies to something simple that they may dislike “I hate spinach” this is turn has turned into the use of the word against people for a act they they may have done against them , “I hate you for taking the ball of me” . Saying something like this is so personal and lasting ,especially nowadays when people seem to be more sensitive. I truly don’t think that my children are aware of the severity of the word. I hate them using that word and coach them every time they do. I started to look into where they being taught this word. As mentioned in the blog I found it everywhere , in every forum including children’s cartoons. The media ,news and social media are constantly pumping fear and hatred at every level ,and we are unconsciously soaking it up. I began to think that this is how it is in the modern world , but them remembered a cartoon that I watched as a child . One of the the main characters of the Smurfs was grumpy smurf , who used the word hate for every line he had . However ,I don’s recall it ever impacting me or using the word . I rarely idolized anything from TV ,other than sportsman and women , unlike today children idolize reality stars and there privileged life that they live , where they would hate how there latte came 1 minute late . Hatred is a world epidemic , concocted by the greedy wealthy and powerful ,who fear sharing and compassion.
I think that there are many good points to this read. The idea that we too often are taught about fear and hatred. We fear the unknown, and if we give in to it, it may seas to be a fear. The idea of hatred to me stems from upbringing, we don’t hate as children we are taught to hate as adults. Like the song “Eve of Destruction”, the line goes, “Hate Your Next Door Neighbor, But Don’t Forget to Say Grace.”
I found this blog to be very relevant when it comes to my professional life. Before I entered into the field that I currently am in, I both “hated” and “feared” working with electricity. I would avoid doing any type of electrical repairs on my home at all costs, and hire an electrician to come in and complete the job. When I began working where I am currently employed, I quickly learned that electricity should not be feared, just respected. As I gained more knowledge on the subject, I have become very comfortable working with and around electricity. I am no longer fearful nor do I hate completing these tasks on my own now. I have realized that ignorance sometimes causes these feelings to arise, and that knowledge can make those same feelings disappear, whether it be electricity or any of the above mentioned categories.
I agree with your sentiment that it is a sad commentary on the modern human experience that we place so much emphasis on insulating ourselves from each other and equating a stranger with danger. We try to capture our families and ourselves in these safe little bubbles that are nestled just beyond the reach of others. We have put so much emphasis on self sufficiency and independence that we have forgotten how to be neighbors, we have forgotten how to be interdependent. As you stated, empathy can be observed in newborns. We are born programmed to rely on one another, but that programming slowly and consistently gets overwritten by our parents and our own fears, whether they are logical or not.
When I became a father at the age of twenty-five my overwhelming urge was to protect my family unit from any and all threats. Much like many of us, the folly of my youth did not allow me to see that my actions could be just as damaging to my young family as anything external until I had my Ah-Ha moment when my son was about six months old. I was out running errands one Saturday when a mother with a young baby, much like my son, dropped her diaper bag as her stroller rolled away while she was putting her crying child into the car seat. Without thinking about it I stepped in and caught her run-away stroller before it went into traffic and rolled it back to her as she turned to look at me with a fearful stare. I explained that I have a six-month-old and I’ve had days like she was having. My declaration of empathy gave her relief and gave way for her to begin thanking me.
That was my Ah-Ha moment because I recognized that her instinct was that any stranger regardless of context and intent was a threat. It wasn’t until I placed myself as an equal who has, “been there” that she broke a smile and thanked me. This experience saddened me because it showed me that we lost our optimism, we lost our hope and faith in each other. When everyone is an enemy, how do make friends? When everything is a threat, how can we smile? After this my outlook changed and I wanted to change the way I presented my world to my son. I make it a point to teach my son to always hope for the best, but never expect it. It is my experience that when we lose our hope we yield ourselves to our fears, and that is when hate is able to work its way in and manifest in all of its ways.
I love this blog. I personally believe that hate is indeed a strong word and it should not be used so regularly as it carries a bigger meaning than just the four letters it has. What we teach our kids is what they will teach theirs so it comes from us to think clearly before giving a message to them. The world is not perfect and it has its ups and downs but in it has all kinds of personalities. We just need to know what we choose to be and what we want our future to be like. Our future follows our footsteps and even more.
I know many of us come to work everyday with our own judgements about others that we work with and for but it is important to know that its not always what we see is what it is. Many people have a difficult life outside of work and coming to work puts them at ease when some are just frustrated at the sight of everything that they have a continuous attitude. In general, I believe that this blog can be used to teach others that the world is not a bad place and we live our life the way we make it. Teach our children to love and to have a questioning attitude, teach our co-workers to cooperate and help make each others day because we spend most of our time away from home and at our jobs.
I love this blog. I personally believe that hate is indeed a strong word and it should not be used so regularly as it carries a bigger meaning than just the four letters it has. What we teach our kids is what they will teach theirs so it comes from us to think clearly before giving a message to them. The world is not perfect and it has its ups and downs but in it has all kinds of personalities. We just need to know what we choose to be and what we want our future to be like. Our future follows our footsteps and even more.
I know many of us come to work everyday with our own judgements about others that we work with and for but it is important to know that its not always what we see is what it is. Many people have a difficult life outside of work and coming to work puts them at ease when some are just frustrated at the sight of everything that they have a continuous attitude. In general, I believe that this blog can be used to teach others that the world is not a bad place and we live our life the way we make it. Teach our children to love and to have a questioning attitude, teach our co-workers to cooperate and help make each others day because we spend most of our time away from home and at our jobs.
I agree that the word hate is used far too often. Hate is a word that has a connotation of exclusion – the person who you hate is someone you wouldn’t want to be around and the food you hate is one you never want to eat. Typically, I try to avoid the word, since there really aren’t too many things for me that create such an emotional reaction. It’s interesting to see the differences between hate and fear. It makes sense that fear is a response to a threat to well-being. That being said, hate and fear are both related to creating defense mechanisms. I try my best to stay relaxed in situations, because I find something that is stressful for me could cause an aggressive response. I think this could be applied in many of relationships. There have been different times in my life where I was concerned I was going to lose someone close to me, so I started to disconnect because of it. But since I’ve had a history of such reactions, being aware of it makes me prepared to deal those emotions in the future.
After reading, “You’ve Got to Be Taught to Hate and Fear”, I feel that we do need to learn about both emotions in order to realize how to use them or not. Just as the blog mentioned, we are taught fear as children, be careful who you talk to, watch your step, don’t do this and don’t do that. But, I think it was a way for parents to make us aware of our surroundings, as we dictate to our own children. Just like my job site in construction, situational awareness. Fear of falling into a ditch or hole, or touching live electricity, we need some sort of guidance or procedure to help us know the consequence. Now to overcome certain fears, yes, we need to face them. Taking that initiative at work, and leading a group of people to perform a task. Learning something new because it will make things easier during your work day. At home, stepping up and asking your spouse or partner about a touchy subject. Talking to your kids about the birds and bees. All these fears have some role, good or bad. They need reason to be dealt with.
For hate, I think it is learned in the household at an early age as well. We hear our parents rant on about politics, coworkers, races, and nationalities. We grow with these “hates”. But, as we get older we should analyze why we still hold on to them. For instance, in simpler terms, why do I hate onions? Because it kicks in my heartburn, but should I hate onions, or just say, Hey I need to stay away from those things because it does not merge with my body. Hate, is for the better or for the worse? Should we let go or hold on to it.? Do we pass it on to our children? I think the term hate can be resolved with other terms more subtle.
I hate brussel sprouts, I just said this to my girlfriend for probably the hundreth time as she tried sneaking them into dinner yet again, funny that this constant argument came up as I was reading this blog post. I really enjoyed your point about how fear causes us to close our cirlce and we use hate as the justification for closing it, It’s a great point and it made me look at both emotions from a different perspective. I know that most of us are good and that the people looking to hurt us or our families are the minority but those people are the reason for walls. Until everyone gets on board with not teaching hate and letting fear disappear through learning about each other unfortunatley I think there will remain a need for walls. Another great blog post. Thanks
This post hit it right no the nail. I think that often times I have in my own personal ways created walls because I felt that I needed to have a safe place. I learned that this was not the best course of action. It was my reaction to the fight or flight experiences I would have. Fear is a very strong motivator. I find fear to be something that creates courage. I understand that individuals deal with things differently. This post was something that I needed to hear and understand that Fear and hatred are different. I have witnessed hatred a lot in my life and noticed that fear is sometimes tied into it. I think there are times people hate what they fear.
Very interesting post and very interesting way of looking into the true meaning of the words hate and fear. There must be a better way to express yourself instead of using these two words all the time. They are harsh and should only be used when you truly feel that you are in danger or fear. I think that most of the people do not even realize that they are using these words. Another thing that could be, and a contributing factor is that they just flow easy out of one’s mouth. You are right that you must be taught to hate and fear. Society and we all as parents must do a better job with teaching others about hate and fear. And your comment about building a wall is spot on. Walls do not work, they never do. We should not be concentrating on building a wall, rather removing them, and concentrating on psychological walls and emotional walls.
I am reading this article at an interesting time in my life. Recently my five-year-old started using the word hate.” I hate this movie, I hate this show, I hate eating peas. ” This went on for a few days. I know that this isn’t something that is said in my house often, if at all. So I knew she picked it up from school, So it is completely understandable that she would find ways to use this word too. So one day, she says it and, I had a flashback to when I was a kid and found this word. I was probably around my daughter’s age, and I vividly remember my mom telling me to stop using that word and that I don’t understand what that word even means. Fast forward to this day, and now I am having the same conversation.
The thing is, just like when I was a kid sitting down with my mother, it is difficult to explain to a five-year-old what hate is and that you don’t hate that movie you just don’t like it.
I never really thought to lump fear into the same category as hate, but that is an interesting perspective. Having young kids, there is a fine line between teaching children not to talk to strangers, and not everyone is a stranger. I had to explain this to my daughter as well. Just because we don’t know the neighborhood crossing guard personally doesn’t mean we shouldn’t talk to her or thank her for helping us. The problem is children are so literal with what they hear. ” I am not supposed to talk to strangers, and I don’t know the crossing guard, so she is a stranger.” That isn’t wrong; it’s just too literal. If the time is taken to explain all the little nuances to situations like this, I can see many walls being built.
This is a great post on the teachings of hate at such a young age. I see it all the time with my children, as I teach them the same that hate is a very strong word. “I hate you”, or I hate going to school” are some examples. I teach that hate should never be used within the house, and is you dislike something we can talk through it. Everyone is going to dislike different aspects of their lives, when we bring hate into the picture it can turn for the worse.
I also see how adults teach hate within different children, as this is something we do not teach in our home. My kids are always playing with a diverse group of children, not just their own race. I see the other side where some children are shy to play with other kids that do not look like them, this is being taught in that home. Children are a great example of an uncorrupted mind, you can really gauge the parents thinking through the actions of our kids.
When it comes to fear I think that we all do shelter in many ways, yet this is wrong as well. You hear it all the time, “when I was younger we used to be able to play outside and not come home till dinner time”, well this can still be a reality as my kids do the same. It is not that I do not care about the safety of my children, its because I know we have taught them well and we know the surrounding areas. Kids need to be kids, if we start putting up walls for them now at such a young age what will they do when they are growing up on their own, that is probably causing more harm than good for their future personalities.
This is a really good reading. although we are not normally programmed to hate, we sure do a lot of it. It is very contagious to hate, people can have compelling stories on why they hate and it molds people to think the same. When you think about the connection between fear and hatred, they really do complement each other. I never thought of the two together like that, but I understand why they do. We need to stop hatred and embrace fear.
Fear and Hate are powerful words with such a negative connotation. Hate is a secondary emotion that arises from fear. Fear is a natural, powerful and primitive emotion that alerts us to the presence of danger or the threat of harm. It is what happens when we can’t do anything about it.
I really enjoyed this blog. It is very relevant to what is happening in our society. People have grown to fear one another. Such fear then finds expression in the form of hatred. We are building protective walls amongst each other creating division and keeping our circle small. It is so sad to see that people think this is normal. As Martin Luther King Jr. once said, “People fail to get along because they fear each other; they fear each other because they don’t know each other; they don’t know each other because they have not communicated with each other.”
While reading the blog “You’ve got to be taught to hate and fear,” I found myself drawn to a few immediate reflections. I grew up in Brooklyn, NY with my parents and younger sister. My father was a NYC transit worker who started his life with the MTA at 18 years old, right out of high school. My mother was an Italian immigrant who came to this country at 16 years old, accompanied by her mother and her 7 brothers and sisters. Her father had already been living here, for the purpose of finding them a place to live but died 6 months after their arrival. My parents were and are loving people who always saw the good in everyone. My father had a very diverse group of friends created from his workplace, as they all started working together at a very young age. My father saw crime in the subway and the street of lower Manhattan where he worked; however, he never brought hatred home to our house. While he told us the stories of how bad he felt for the people involved, he never spoke in a way that indicated any hate and judgement. My mother was severely bullied by her American classmates in school. She was made fun of for not speaking English or having any money to buy new shoes. When my mother told us these stories, she never spoke of these classmates with hatred. She attributed their behavior to them coming from a place of fear that the Italian people were going to take jobs and money away from those already living there. She would say, “they didn’t know any better” when discussing how they treated her. I had never given it much thought before, but my parents both saw hatred, fear, and reprehensible behaviors which could have easily been brought to our home. Instead, we grew up in a home where you respected everyone, gave opportunities to all and did not judge.
Today I have three children of my own and I try to keep that philosophy alive with them. My wife and I also have a diverse group of friends and co-workers. We, ourselves, are a diverse family. My wife is Jewish and so are two of our children; I am Catholic, as is our oldest son. We accept all traditions, beliefs, and everyone in our lives. I am reflecting on how we communicate with our kids and I realize that we may have inadvertently taught them judgement and fear based on our own experiences and not wanting anything bad to happen to them. For example, our two 17-year old twins, a boy and girl, grew up in a suburban NJ neighborhood with zero exposure to city street activity unless it was on an excursion arranged by and accompanied by one or both of us. Our son asked to go to Manhattan with his friends and visit 4 different locations. The conversations we had included: “Be careful of this…” “Watch out for that…” and “You better not do this otherwise this will happen.” We were throwing so much at him and my wife was struggling to let him go. When I became aware of what was happening and the message we were sending, I changed the direction of the conversation and give him my permission to go. My wife sensed my change in energy and agreed, with some caveats that made her feel more comfortable about the logistics of getting to and from the activities themselves. We realized we will be nervous no matter what; our kids’ generation live by looking at their phones, with little situational awareness. Can this be because they have not had a reason not to? I know he will do great in the city with his friends and if anything goes wrong we will be there in a heartbeat to figure it out. I am glad that letting our own fear get in the way of him experiencing his life.
Fear and hatred, I believe, is powered by the unknown. The more opportunities utilized to educate yourself about the unknown is the answer. Many people experience fear from what they are told to be afraid of. How can we all learn anything without experiencing anything. I think of the experience of learning how to ride a bike. There are so many fears highlighted about riding a bike which could lead to someone not ever wanting to learn to ride a bike. Of course the experience of falling helps eliminate the fear of falling. At the same time the experience of falling can contribute to the fact of hating the experience of riding a bike.
Racism is probably the biggest subject around the topic of fear and hate having to be taught. Negative experiences with people can contribute to this topic.
Dear Diane,
I had read this post few years back and commented on it, but this post is ideal for the time we live in, the world pandemic has socially isolated us from physical interaction, and that is causing very little tolerance in many people, along with the fear of de virus and the speculations and theories about conspiracy that may create hate to certain groups.
I believe thinking about our choice of words before we speak is very important, along with controlling our emotions and becoming aware of them. People often use strong words unnecessarily that depending on the audience it could be irresponsible. We need to be cautious when speaking about fear and hate specially in front of children. Being aware of a better selection of words can help change the vibe in other people during interactions, and these words will directly affect and shape us.
I agree with your perspective on this post. I think that hate and fear emotions can definitely work together and restrict us from living life to its full potential. I like the analogies you used comparing fear to a closed system and hate to a constricting circle. While I believe that some rational fears can be healthy motivators and protect us from danger, I think that hate is generally more destructive. When we fear or hate something we tend to close ourselves off to limit our exposure. I think if we allow hate and irrational fears to manifest, it can frame a negative mindset and influence negative behaviors, becoming a perpetual cycle that is difficult to break-away from.
I also think this topic is especially relevant right now, as it relates to a growing social divide in our country. It seems that the media is constantly bombarding us with polarized (left or right-leaning) social and political narratives meant to trigger an emotional reaction from viewers. People then pick sides and isolate themselves from other viewpoints. I think that a lot of it is rooted in fear and hate, and many of us have witnessed how destructive this can be for relationships at home or at work. I think that we need to learn to distinguish healthy and rational fears, which represent real danger, from those that are “taught” to us. I also agree with you that we need to “expand our thinking and come to recognize that there are billions of good people out there”. We’ve learned fear and hate, but we can also learn courage and love.
I was always taught, by my mom, that hate will only hold me back. It was normally in reference to things I don’t understand. I’m not sure why we develop a natural aversion to things we aren’t familiar with. I’ve read that human are tribal by nature. We seek out and gravitate towards things, or those who validate our unique cultural identities and keep our distance from those things or people who are different out of fear of being hurt. Maybe it has to do with our inherent confirmation biases. I think it’s one of the worst human qualities and probably one of the main sources of violence, oppression, and lack of progress in our world.
I liked how the chef, Anthony Bourdain, would encourage people to go eat dinner in a restaurant and speak to a stranger who you think you’d have nothing in common with. I try to be objective and keep an open mind to the unknown. I recognize the value in diversity. I’ve been in situations where my initial reaction is to keep my distance due to the fear of not knowing the outcome of an interaction because of perceived stark differences; only to be very happy dismissing that apprehension and proceeding with the interaction. Reflecting on the value I’ve gotten out of stepping out of my comfort zone is a great motivator to try it again and again.
I empathize with why people put up walls though. There are a lot of good people out there. Unfortunately, sometimes being taken advantage of, or worse, is enough for people to be comfortable shutting out people to avoid the possibility of being a victim again. I’ve had my heart broken. It took incredible strength and courage to open my heart to love again. I’m glad I did, but there are those who experience a much deeper pain, depending on the situation, where I can understand their unwillingness to put themselves in that position again.
The word “HATE” is often used very loosely and frivolously. Children are born eager to learn and adapt to life. The things we teach them will follow them throughout their lives. While we can all agree that the dangers in life are present and real but to live in fear is a life full of anxiety and a constant need to be defensive. Explaining dangers logically is sometimes difficult when teaching children. I have been in this situation, however as parents it is our duty to teach our children caution without instilling fear or hatred. Fear can lead to a life full of dread and worry, and hatred can lead to a bitter life lacking enjoyment and love. Fear is an emotion important for survival. Hate is an emotion taught that can spread like a virus impairing logic and trust.
Great article, I see so much in here that I never realized is there. I have young children (16 and 9) and I hear them I hate this or I hate that and I normally say Hate is a strong word. It might be over silly stuff like my son hating the Mets but its still a terrible word. I never really stepped back to see how hate and fear correlate with each other though. However, I feel that we are taught and teach don’t talk to strangers or be nervous when your in an area you don’t know. I think there’s needs to be a thin line of fear and alertness. If we go thru life being scared of talking to so called strangers we might not meet the best friend or partner that we are meant to cross paths with and met. So maybe we teach our children to be open but alert and aware instead of fear and hate.
I would hate to think we don’t meet our life long companion because we feared speaking to a stranger .
This was an intriguing post and approach to deciphering the underlying meaning of the terms hate and fear. Instead of utilizing these two words all the time, there must be a better method to convey oneself. They are strong words and should only be used when you are actually in danger or despair. Most individuals, I believe, are unaware that they are using these terms. Another possibility, and a contributing element, is that they flow easily from one’s tongue. You are correct in saying that you must be educated to hate and fear. Society, and all of us as parents, must do a better job of teaching our children about hatred and fear. We should spread more love and differentiate real fear with what society wants us to fear.
Dear Blogger,
I enjoyed reading your definitions of hate and fear. They are clearly different but somehow come from the same root. I hate broccoli because it will hurt my taste buds. I hate driving home from work because it will hurt my feelings being stuck in traffic. Fear on the other hand is something that I want to protect myself from. I fear my children will lose control and ride their bikes into the street. I fear my children will get bullied at school. I have adjusted my life to accommodate my fears and my hatred (except for NYC traffic – nothing I can do about that).
While reading your article, the first thing that came to mind is my dog. Hear me out. I love my dog; he has brought my family so much joy. Unfortunately, he is getting old, and the time will come soon where we will need to say goodbye. My wife are I are preparing ourselves for this fear, but we are also preparing ourselves to get a new family dog. My parents lost their dog a few years ago. We have always been a dog family but they say they have reached a point in their life where they hate the idea of having a dog because they fear the feelings that will occur when it is time for that dog to go. For me, my dog has brought so much joy to our family that it will be worth the pain. My parents don’t feel that way anymore and I find it sad.
I thought the topic of this article was interesting teaching hate and fear to children. although I do believe it is important for children to know the dangers of strangers and such. it also important we teach them respect as well as fear. i remember witnessing a child acting out and his parents told him “if you do not behave we will tell the police to come over here and arrest you”, the child responded with fear and was now crying. i remember thinking that to me that was the wrong way to use the police, as a threat. the child now associates police with fear rather then respect.
I really appreciate this article and the message it’s conveying; we are living in a world consumed by hateful agenda’s schemes and themes. At every moment you turn on the tv or go on social media and your bombarded by hate speech, hateful views and new people, places or objects we should hate or fear. You’re in fear of the people around you because of the constant images of violence and lack of empathy and compassion towards human life, you fear the food you eat because of the greed that has consumed the industry and all the chemically laced foods we are consuming.
We fear the possibilities of the effects of climate change, the financial climate, the consequences of all the hate for people of different religions and racial backgrounds. I agree that has a people we must limit and monitor what we put out into the world and how we speak about fear and hate to our new generations, now more than ever I fear what impact this may have on our future generations and the state of humanity. We need to tune down this rhetoric, take the time out to speak love into our youth to help them understand that they systems that we depend so much on to help navigate through our lives are interest based and feed off our fears and hate that follow those fears. Our responsibility is to our loved ones and all those we interact with to show love and respect acceptance and an appreciation for all our differences, this in my opinion is the best way to protect from growing in a fear and hate based world.
This is a very interesting subject that pertains to all of us, especially in these political charged times. Hate is a strong word and people are quick to claim they hate someone, something or somewhere. Today’s politics have turned family members and friends against each other and instead of people agreeing to disagree, they go to the extreme of hating each other. The funny thing is, in most cases, everyone wants the same things for their families and themselves.
I will admit that fear is always in the back of my mind because it seems like we don’t have control over our destiny’s. At any time, we can be in a world war, I can walk outside and catch a stray bullet, these are not the average type fears, they are all learned. The news outlets, social media and all forms of communication have been sensationalizing all these things and pushing their own agenda to their base, causing a division in our society at all angles.
Hi Dr. Urban,
Firstly, I cannot believe I made it 7 weeks into your class without ever realizing this was YOUR blog site. I just assumed (making those assumptions again) that it was from a website and you thought the content was relevant to our class. I need to pay more attention.
This was a great topic for me personally. I can relate to it in a very personal way. I’ve spent my entire life living in that small circle that I have created to keep the dangers out. I have traveled the world during my time in the military, to some of the most beautiful places on earth, and I have oftentimes not enjoyed a second of some great experience, because I was on high alert for some potential threat to my friends, who clearly were not under the same impression of the danger (I’m speaking completely of peacetime, not any type of warzone). I suppose growing up in the Bronx and being taught that everyone around me was potentially dangerous and to never let my guard down really did a number on me, to the point that I looked at my friends from other states as naive and lacking street-smarts, so It became my self-appointed job to watch out for any of “them” out there that might try to take advantage of them in foreign locations. That’s not to say that I was always incorrect in my threat assessment, as some people really will take advantage of people they perceive as off their guard, but I lost out on enjoying some amazing experiences because I was convinced I had to be wary of EVERYONE and didn’t appreciate the moment.
After reading “You’ve Got to Be Taught to Hate and Fear” I sat back and thought of how I use the word “hate”. While I say I hate going to work or hate working over nights the truth is that while I enjoy my time off I also like the things that my job provides for me and my family. I have a great relationship with my coworkers and I am appreciative that I I have a well paying job that offers good benefits. This is not the case for many people. I also use the word hate when talking about food a lot. Many times throughout my life I have said I hate foods that I never tried only to find out that I actually like them. This article has shown me that using the word hate is simply a product of fear. Im afraid I wont like the food so it’s easier to say I hate it to protect me from having to try a new experience. I will look to correct this behavior in the future by thinking about whether the thing I say I hate evokes an emotion of anger or fear.
I also thought the example of Stranger danger was very interesting. Growing up we are taught many things that act as the foundation for our fears. We are taught not to trust others in fear that they will look to harm us. This also frames our perspectives and can impact how we react to situations that we are not familiar with.
Yet again, excellent post!…
From an early age, parents and relatives began to instill within us some sort of fear in distress towards other people. They begin to teach us about strangers, certain religions, or certain specific kinds of people. These teachings don’t have a balance that can teach us who or what to trust. In the long run, these kinds of teachings harm us to the point that we begin to fear, and even hate certain people or things. Also, we begin creating walls to keep those people that can harm us away, but in reality, we are just making our trust circle smaller and the fear bigger. Of course eventually we will have a psychological impact by activating our fight and flight system. This can create a bigger problem in the long run, and can lead us to mental health problems, such as anxiety, depression, paranoia, and even panic attacks. Furthermore, for this reason, it is important to have a balance in this area. Yes, there are bad people out there, but not everyone is bad. There is no reason why we should push everyone away.
The topic of fear reminds me of how my wife was raised, for some reason her parents believed that by instilling fear towards the world, and them, they were protecting her from the evil of this world. sadly, this action came to have an effect on my wifes life. For example, she doesn’t feel comfortable outside of a circle of trust, she doesn’t like to meet new people, or even hang out with people she doesn’t know very much. Also, she’s afraid to try new things, she rather be around the things that are familiar to her. It’s been a difficult journey teaching her how to balance the things in life that she needs to be cautious about and the other things that she needs to learn to trust. Again, I just want to thank you for your wisdom and this awesome blog.
The idea of being taught to hate and fear is an interesting concept. I do believe this is a natural part of the human condition. As a child, yes, we are empathetic, but we grow and evolve with our habitat. To say that we are taught these behaviors would also imply that if people were to live in a perfect habitat, they would not know fear or hate, and I do not think humans, or any animal wouldn’t eventually have these feelings. I do agree some fears are taught are definitely hatred is spread like a disease.
I really enjoyed the authors use of walls. During Covid lockdowns the walls of my home felt like a prison at times. This made me see my home and its walls separating me from the outside world and how easy it could be to remain isolated from my community. My personal walls are also like this, where if I were to not allow myself to interact with others, even when I feel uncomfortable doing so, will make me isolated from the world, others and so many life experiences.
I really liked the publication and especially this part which allows us to understand that the physiological responses are similar, the cognitive element is based on how we define the situation in which we find ourselves at the moment and the definition is based, in large part, on what our families teach us daily as we grow up, also our friends, our society is a group that forms us in different ways which allow us to hate or fear. As it says in this publication our culture and our own experiences can teach us to fear or hate almost anything but I think that we ourselves decide what we want to hate or what we want to fear in the course of our lives.
Hate is a word many people loosely throw out in conversation and I agree that it should be used sparingly. I was always taught hate is a strong word growing up by my parents after using the word, and its true. I try not to use it at all because it just causes you to think negatively. in the spring it rains a lot and I used to say “I hate the rain” and whenever it rained I found myself upset. now I try to say things in a more positive tone and think about how the flowers will blooms and how lush and green things will be after it rains. the rain doesn’t bother me anymore, I was building mental walls by using the word hate and only impacting my mood negatively.
Dianne,
I could not agree more, and didnt realise how often I do this myself. I tend to put my gaurd up prematurely and attempt to protect myself by keeping to myself and only letting a select few in on a deeper level. Instead of trying to work and grow with others, find common ground, or attempt to see where others are coming from, I feel that it is better to keep to myself. This article has shown me that while we consider our “walls” a source of protection, they can actually be detrimental to our long term mental health and growth.
reading this blog entry is very timely particularly with all of the hate that is so freely spewed on traditional and social media outlets. Young minds are saturated with negative, hate-filled and fear-filled language that they can’t help but manifest those types of unconscious biases. Teaching these negative behaviors and encouraging the negative though process impedes our ability to tap into our natural instinctual survival mechanisms.
I recently completed my thesis paper and part of the discussion was about learned ignorant behavior which most irrational fears that people have are born out of and as parents/leaders etc. it is our responsibility to properly educate our children and limit their exposure to such toxic influences. Growing up I was always taught by the influential adults in my life that words carry a lot of weight; hate being one of the strongest negative words that you could use. I was also taught that you should develop your own feelings of a person place or thing based on your own experience and to be situationally aware and if it feels off trust that instinct; not to think that something is off because you are told that it is.
Teaching these negative behaviors and encouraging the negative though process impedes our ability to tap into our natural instinctual survival mechanisms.
I truly enjoyed reading this blog and I can relate to it regarding events in my personal life as well as my job. For example, in my personal life I have on occasion said, “I hate my life” when something didn’t go according to plans or didn’t turn out the way I expected it to. In order to have the life we say we want; we have to separate our real point of view from negative influences from our past, from people around us or from society. To do this, we can engage in a process known as differentiation, which can help us to distinguish our real wants, goals, and desires from undesirable outside influences.
I’ve also experienced fear on many occasions in my life. Fear alerts us to the presence of danger or the threat of harm, whether that danger is physical or psychological. For example, I experienced fear when signing up for college after 30 years of not being in school. I felt anxiety, worry and concern regarding how I would adjust to this major change in my life. So, although fear is defined as a response to a serious threat to our well-being, it can also be related to the unknown.
I believe the information contained in the blog could be useful both in my personal and work life regarding the understanding of Fear and Hate and how I address or handle situations involving each throughout the course of my day to day activities.
Two of the most taught values today are fear and hatred. This, in my opinion, has a lot to do with how society has changed, particularly in recent years. People have developed a fear of one another and have built barriers to separate themselves. It is awful that this is so commonplace, and that people constantly fear the worst from them. We have lost the ties that bind us to one another because we have gotten too isolated in our own worlds. I believe that the term “hate” is wicked, bitter, and harmful and that it is overused. I believe most individuals use it while being aware of their true intentions. There is a lot of hatred in the world, much of it stems from irritations experienced daily such as commuting or interacting with others. I genuinely don’t know the solution to the issues of fear and hatred that exist; they have complicated who we are as a society today. I would like to see people rebuild their faith in one another, create relationships, let go of hate and fear, and live in freedom.
Hate and fear collaborate very similar together in everyone’s life, but like the article stated it is how you perceive that hate or fear. I see many individuals around me who throw those psychological “walls” up and it affects the outcome on how they decipher other situations in their life. It is hard to truly experience and find out what you hate or fear in life if you have not experienced those moments for yourself. The feeling of being scared should come from your own personal outlook, not what others say. Now I do agree with the article stating that there are some instances where we should teach some sort of fear, as in stranger danger, or other negative situations.
For me I feel as if in my personal life as well as my career I have had to face what I thought was fear or hate, and truly feel it for myself before I let those feelings come into play. Growing up there were many things I was told to hate or fear, but as you grow older and if you don’t confront those feelings, it will stay there for the rest of your life. Going through life not being able to train your mind and psych on your true feelings can affect your years going forward. I have made it a point to think if I hated something to truly feel that hate, and if I didn’t than I would pull that “hate” away from my mind that I was told to growing up. Hate is a strong word, for me to hate it takes a lot to be done. Fear can be strong as well, fear will hold you back from something that you might love. Without feeling that emotion for yourself you will never know what your psych truly thinks about that situation.
I really enjoyed reading this blog. I agree with the statement that hate and fear need to be taught. I know for myself I find as I drive I’ll say I hate the person driving slow in front of me and as I get around them I think to myself that person has done nothing wrong for you to use the word hate. The fact is I do not hate anyone I just allow my emotions get to me sometimes. I think back to my youth and how I grew up with friends of different races and religions and we did not think about or differences because to us we were all the same. This can be seen in children even today, Their innocence and how they look at how a person is rather than what they are.
This article on “You’ve got to be taught to hate and fear” is a great representation how we instill this in our younger generations. Throughout the recent years we have been instructing our children the world is out to get them, like the article says, “is it just what we see in the news, not is not the representation of the entire, it is just all the bad.” We have ingrained this into our children to have them think that the entire world is bad ant that everyone is no good and will hurt them. When in fact that is not the case there are very few out to do devious things and many people are good people just trying to do the right thing. Except we only see the bad with the mainstream media because unfortunately that is what gets the viewers and the ratings, all the mayhem in the world.
If you watch children play younger children, they will play with any other child who wants to play, it does not matter how old, young, tall, short, color, religion, or ethnicity. Children just want to play, they want to have fun, they want to socialize, it is when they are being influenced by external forces, such as cousins, older siblings, family members, or older friends, and that is when you will start to see how they start to treat others in a different light. When it is up to children, they are looking to just have fun, when they are young, they have not been taught the bad habits and not have developed that unconscious bias towards others yet. They only have that one thing in their mind and that is to just have fun. I hope we can start to trust others in the future, that this always thinking someone is out to harm us mentally that we all have been accustomed to starts to break, as I know I teach my children, as long as mom and dad are with you, when someone says “hello” you can tell them “hello” back, that to me feels like a very small step into the right path of trusting the good part of society again. It is only baby steps, but we must start somewhere.
I once worked with a mechanic who had a young daughter. I remember him telling me about how he taught his daughter to swim. He said he started her so young because you have to catch kids before they develop fear. He was right fear is something that can develop over time with no real reason.
After reading this article I scrolled back to look at the date it was written because it is so appropriate for the time we are currently living in. Hate and fear are both related and so very different. I see the political unrest as I walk through the city, I see hatred in people’s eyes, and I also see fear in their eyes. I grew up with parents letting me know how strong the word hate is. I was told to use the word correctly because once you say it, you cannot take back the damage that the word does. I think we hate the unknown and we do build walls that are psychological and physical to protect us. My Aunt passed away suddenly last Sunday and it was a terrible week for us all. I hated the pain I was feeling but I also know from reading this article, that what I was feeling was fear. I fear how life will be so different without her and how we will continue to keep her alive in our memories. Thank you for this wonderful article.
I agree and feel that while hate and fear elicit a physiological response, there are definitely learned characteristics that can be attributed to a person’s belief. Whether they are learned at home, through the media, or from society, fears and hatred cause division, misrepresentation and misunderstandings. All you need to do is look at any daycare or toddler school and you can see the acceptance that is innate in all of us.
It is important to keep these things in mind at work or at school. Approach your interactions with an open mind, empathy and understanding. We have the ability to learn, so why not learn about others instead of shutting them out and learning how to hate.
This was great to read, I never thought to put hatred and fear together but after reading the post I can see how they trigger very similar responses from our bodies. I’ve always said hate is a very strong word and I agree we use it very loosely to the point that we might not even think what we are saying when we say we hate something.
As your post mentioned, sometimes the minor inconvenience in or lives trigger us to say, “I hate this or that”. I believe if we were more conscious about what we say we might find ourselves using the word hate a lot less.