One of my dad’s favorite things to say was, “never go to bed angry.” As was so often the case, his words were brief but filled with wisdom.

I always thought he was reflecting on the loss of his friends during combat in WWII.
With all the loved one’s people have lost over the last few years (during the pandemic, wars, terrorism, mass shootings, and so much more) I understand his words so much more deeply. Surrounded by death, he came to question whether anger was “worth” it.

While it may be uncomfortable to consider, the fact is that in these times of random violence, those we love can be gone within moments. What will we be thinking then? I believe that once a loved one is gone, the anger often gives way to grief. I never hear family members who are being interviewed by news commentators say they are glad the person is gone. They never tell a story about how the person hurt their feelings or owed them an apology. Instead, they talk about the moments of joy they shared with the person and the despair that they can never experience shared joys again.

If a “break” in the relationship had occurred, the survivor is left thinking about how they had spent weeks, months or years, justifying the break. They begin to realize that their thoughts had shifted from the issue that caused the rift to the thought that the person had caused it or wanted it. Upon losing that person, the questions suddenly multiply and change in nature. Did that issue really matter as much as I thought it did? Was it worth the time lost in friendship/love? Was my life truly better without (whoever) in it? Was the apology that was awaited/required compensate for the loss now felt? Was I secretly hoping for a reconciliation that can never happen because they are gone?

Life is unpredictable. Let’s all try to “never go to bed angry” – or at least do so less frequently.