Category Archives: Emotions

The Questions We Ask

Assumptions, Emotions, Intimacy, Psychology, Relationships, , ,

The questions we ask determine the answers we receive.  Really think about that for a moment.  It is super important. 

Here’s one example of how a question leads to an answer.  If a person is already overwhelmed and we ask “What can I do to help?”, the response is usually “Nothing.”  But, if we ask “When can I drop off dinner?”, we are much more likely to get a specific answer and a concrete way to help.

If we ask “Why are you angry with me?” or “What did I do wrong?”, the person will come up with something.  After all, it is impossible to be in a relationship and never annoy each other.  What if, instead, we asked “What do you like about me?  Telling me one thing will help me calmly listen to whatever has made you upset with me.”

If we ask “How can I fix this?”, we forget that, for any relationship to work, the key word is we, not I.  No one person can fix a relationship.

It seems to me that the most difficult question to ask anyone is, “Do you love me?”.  Underneath that question is a statement.  The statement is: “I love you.”  The fear is our statement will be rejected; our fear is that our love will not be reciprocated. 

So rather than asking the question, we look for ways to protect our hearts.  We set up “tests.”  If they do X, then they love me; if they remember Y, then they love me.  Alternatively, we set up walls.  A wall can involve choosing people we think will love us more than we love them.  We tell ourselves that every relationship is unbalanced, so we might as well be the one with the “upper hand”.  We define having the upper hand as being loved more than we love.  We believe that the unevenness will keep our hearts safe. 

This all leaves me with so many questions.  Are tests a good way to determine if we are loved?  There have been times when someone “failed” to know something about me, but made me feel loved nonetheless.  Their love was demonstrated by their desire to make me happy.  Do walls keep our hearts safe or do they prevent our hearts from experiencing deep love?  Are all relationships unbalanced?  Perhaps, the truth is that, if a couple is together for many years, they will need to take turns in reigniting the spark?  They will do that because life can wear a person down and those who love that person see an opportunity to remind them of their worth and importance. 

If we ask “Do you want to end this relationship?” we are asking for, and will get, a yes or no response.  We phrase it this way because we believe we are protecting our heart.  Even if they say yes, at least we brought it up.  On some level, we think we participated in the choice to end it.  The risk, however, is that the other person hears a desire to end it.  I wonder what would happen if the question posed was “How can we move forward from here?” It seems to me that this open-ended phrasing allows an endless number of possibilities for the future. 

If we want to stick with the most difficult question, perhaps we can at least rephrase it to “I love you.  Do you love me?”. That combination opens a feedback loop that makes connection possible and potentially deeper.

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(Dis)connecting During Upsetting Times

Anxiety, Democracy, Emotion, Emotions, Fear, Kindness, Psychology, Relationships, Uncategorized

Many of us are upset – if not horrified – by current events in our country and the world. These events bring our body to a state of high alert, a state designed to protect us from imminent danger. 

In terms of responding to a real danger to our lives, this system is crucial.  Our brain/body instantly decides if we should fight (which includes, among other things, using our words, or physically wrestling a person to get a gun or knife away from them) or engage in flight (which includes, among other things, running by foot or some other form of transportation, or “leaving the field” emotionally, where we are unable to move or respond).  Our brain determines which tactic increases our chance of survival.  It is a system that is supposed to be employed rarely and end quickly.

On a daily basis, however, we are all confronted with increased uncertainty.  We question our safety in almost every area of our lives.  Will this violence be at our doorstop next?  Will this violence end?  Will other innocent people be arrested?  Will our freedoms be curtailed?  Will our jobs become obsolete?  Will we be laid off?  Will we be able to buy groceries or pay our rent?  Will these powerful storms destroy our homes, our livelihoods, our neighborhoods?  All of this threatens us, wears us down emotionally and physically, and causes our fight or flight response to stay on, at least, a low level of alert. 

We try to believe that the threats are not imminent.  They are happening outside of us – in different neighborhoods, different states, different countries, or different continents.  But the threat seeps back in.  We remember that the world is connected; Covid started “there” and suddenly it was “here.”  Suddenly, we all knew someone impacted by it.  The threat rises again.

So, we disconnect.  We disconnect by turning off the news, by playing on our phones or playing video games, or binge-watching TV shows.  This time away allows our bodies and our minds to recover.  Recovery is important.

But, we must make sure that we do not also disconnect from the people in our lives by spending more time on our phones, games, or television than we do with each other.  Once we connect with those in our lives, we can connect with our larger society and take actions that replace horror and pain with kindness and action.

“We’ll take our stand for this land and the stranger in our midst.” ~ Bruce Springsteen

When the Holidays Hurt: Choosing Connection and Joy

Emotions, Holiday, Kindness, Psychology, Relationships, Uncategorized

Holidays are idealized as times of great joy and family togetherness.  These images are everywhere, especially in advertisements and holiday movies.  For the lucky among us, these images bring back beautiful memories and allow us to revel in childhood wonder.  My work as a psychologist, however, has taught me that, for many people, the holidays are unfortunately a time of increased isolation and despair. 

The dichotomies of experience often go unnoticed, but if we pay attention, we can notice the pain around us.  In office conversations, some are talking about whom they will visit and how they will juggle multiple invitations.  Others remain quiet, wishing they had even one place to go.  As friends sit having coffee in a diner, some are complaining about the family drama they wish they could avoid, while someone at a nearby table wishes they had family to see.  Some conversations involve complaints that children will visit in-laws instead of them.  Someone else is wishing they had children to complain about.  Throughout these snippets of conversation, one can hear the pain of unfulfilled wishes, dreams that – due to no fault of their own – cannot be realized, and hopes that are fading away.

As a psychologist, I try to offer recommendations designed to improve a person’s life in some way.  So here are some specific ideas of how we can make ourselves and others feel a bit more connection and joy during the holidays:

  • If you are overwhelmed seeing family and friends, remember that holidays are not meant to be obligations.  They are meant to be celebrations.
  • If you cannot spend a holiday with someone because you are accepting a different invitation, tell him or her when you will visit instead and that whenever you are with them, it is a holiday. I will share that whenever I visited my grandmother, she would exclaim, “Every time I see you it is a holiday!” Wow, suddenly holiday stress was gone; one did not have to see her on the holiday itself. She made every visit feel special and in doing so, enriched every moment spent with family.
  • If one of your holiday guests is your burden, treat that person as if you have never met and try to get to know them. Perhaps a new relationship will develop as you listen to new stories rather than focusing on the old ones.
  • If you have no children, help someone who does. Offer to watch their children while they prepare for the holiday. Alternately, you can volunteer at a center that will have a holiday party for children in need or volunteer to bring food to parents whose child is hospitalized.
  • If you are overwhelmed with the children you have, ask someone who longs for children to help you.
  • If you know that you will be overwhelmed that you have no room in your refrigerator or freezer for your left-over food, don’t cook it or, alternatively, donate it to a food bank.
  • If you will be alone for the holiday, spend it with someone else who would be alone.

At the root of each of these ideas is approaching each other and ourselves with kindness. The most important take away is that kindness increases connection to others and connection is the key to joy, not just over the holidays – but any day.

orange and blue skies during sunset

Never Go To Bed Angry

Differences, Emotion, Emotions, Psychology, Relationships, Sleep

One of my dad’s favorite things to say was, “never go to bed angry.” As was so often the case, his words were brief but filled with wisdom.

I always thought he was reflecting on the loss of his friends during combat in WWII.
With all the loved one’s people have lost over the last few years (during the pandemic, wars, terrorism, mass shootings, and so much more) I understand his words so much more deeply. Surrounded by death, he came to question whether anger was “worth” it.

While it may be uncomfortable to consider, the fact is that in these times of random violence, those we love can be gone within moments. What will we be thinking then? I believe that once a loved one is gone, the anger often gives way to grief. I never hear family members who are being interviewed by news commentators say they are glad the person is gone. They never tell a story about how the person hurt their feelings or owed them an apology. Instead, they talk about the moments of joy they shared with the person and the despair that they can never experience shared joys again.

If a “break” in the relationship had occurred, the survivor is left thinking about how they had spent weeks, months or years, justifying the break. They begin to realize that their thoughts had shifted from the issue that caused the rift to the thought that the person had caused it or wanted it. Upon losing that person, the questions suddenly multiply and change in nature. Did that issue really matter as much as I thought it did? Was it worth the time lost in friendship/love? Was my life truly better without (whoever) in it? Was the apology that was awaited/required compensate for the loss now felt? Was I secretly hoping for a reconciliation that can never happen because they are gone?

Life is unpredictable. Let’s all try to “never go to bed angry” – or at least do so less frequently.