Category Archives: Kindness

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(Dis)connecting During Upsetting Times

Anxiety, Democracy, Emotion, Emotions, Fear, Kindness, Psychology, Relationships, Uncategorized

Many of us are upset – if not horrified – by current events in our country and the world. These events bring our body to a state of high alert, a state designed to protect us from imminent danger. 

In terms of responding to a real danger to our lives, this system is crucial.  Our brain/body instantly decides if we should fight (which includes, among other things, using our words, or physically wrestling a person to get a gun or knife away from them) or engage in flight (which includes, among other things, running by foot or some other form of transportation, or “leaving the field” emotionally, where we are unable to move or respond).  Our brain determines which tactic increases our chance of survival.  It is a system that is supposed to be employed rarely and end quickly.

On a daily basis, however, we are all confronted with increased uncertainty.  We question our safety in almost every area of our lives.  Will this violence be at our doorstop next?  Will this violence end?  Will other innocent people be arrested?  Will our freedoms be curtailed?  Will our jobs become obsolete?  Will we be laid off?  Will we be able to buy groceries or pay our rent?  Will these powerful storms destroy our homes, our livelihoods, our neighborhoods?  All of this threatens us, wears us down emotionally and physically, and causes our fight or flight response to stay on, at least, a low level of alert. 

We try to believe that the threats are not imminent.  They are happening outside of us – in different neighborhoods, different states, different countries, or different continents.  But the threat seeps back in.  We remember that the world is connected; Covid started “there” and suddenly it was “here.”  Suddenly, we all knew someone impacted by it.  The threat rises again.

So, we disconnect.  We disconnect by turning off the news, by playing on our phones or playing video games, or binge-watching TV shows.  This time away allows our bodies and our minds to recover.  Recovery is important.

But, we must make sure that we do not also disconnect from the people in our lives by spending more time on our phones, games, or television than we do with each other.  Once we connect with those in our lives, we can connect with our larger society and take actions that replace horror and pain with kindness and action.

“We’ll take our stand for this land and the stranger in our midst.” ~ Bruce Springsteen

When the Holidays Hurt: Choosing Connection and Joy

Emotions, Holiday, Kindness, Psychology, Relationships, Uncategorized

Holidays are idealized as times of great joy and family togetherness.  These images are everywhere, especially in advertisements and holiday movies.  For the lucky among us, these images bring back beautiful memories and allow us to revel in childhood wonder.  My work as a psychologist, however, has taught me that, for many people, the holidays are unfortunately a time of increased isolation and despair. 

The dichotomies of experience often go unnoticed, but if we pay attention, we can notice the pain around us.  In office conversations, some are talking about whom they will visit and how they will juggle multiple invitations.  Others remain quiet, wishing they had even one place to go.  As friends sit having coffee in a diner, some are complaining about the family drama they wish they could avoid, while someone at a nearby table wishes they had family to see.  Some conversations involve complaints that children will visit in-laws instead of them.  Someone else is wishing they had children to complain about.  Throughout these snippets of conversation, one can hear the pain of unfulfilled wishes, dreams that – due to no fault of their own – cannot be realized, and hopes that are fading away.

As a psychologist, I try to offer recommendations designed to improve a person’s life in some way.  So here are some specific ideas of how we can make ourselves and others feel a bit more connection and joy during the holidays:

  • If you are overwhelmed seeing family and friends, remember that holidays are not meant to be obligations.  They are meant to be celebrations.
  • If you cannot spend a holiday with someone because you are accepting a different invitation, tell him or her when you will visit instead and that whenever you are with them, it is a holiday. I will share that whenever I visited my grandmother, she would exclaim, “Every time I see you it is a holiday!” Wow, suddenly holiday stress was gone; one did not have to see her on the holiday itself. She made every visit feel special and in doing so, enriched every moment spent with family.
  • If one of your holiday guests is your burden, treat that person as if you have never met and try to get to know them. Perhaps a new relationship will develop as you listen to new stories rather than focusing on the old ones.
  • If you have no children, help someone who does. Offer to watch their children while they prepare for the holiday. Alternately, you can volunteer at a center that will have a holiday party for children in need or volunteer to bring food to parents whose child is hospitalized.
  • If you are overwhelmed with the children you have, ask someone who longs for children to help you.
  • If you know that you will be overwhelmed that you have no room in your refrigerator or freezer for your left-over food, don’t cook it or, alternatively, donate it to a food bank.
  • If you will be alone for the holiday, spend it with someone else who would be alone.

At the root of each of these ideas is approaching each other and ourselves with kindness. The most important take away is that kindness increases connection to others and connection is the key to joy, not just over the holidays – but any day.