Holidays are idealized as times of great joy and family togetherness.  These images are everywhere, especially in advertisements and holiday movies.  For the lucky among us, these images bring back beautiful memories and allow us to revel in childhood wonder.  My work as a psychologist, however, has taught me that, for many people, the holidays are unfortunately a time of increased isolation and despair. 

The dichotomies of experience often go unnoticed, but if we pay attention, we can notice the pain around us.  In office conversations, some are talking about whom they will visit and how they will juggle multiple invitations.  Others remain quiet, wishing they had even one place to go.  As friends sit having coffee in a diner, some are complaining about the family drama they wish they could avoid, while someone at a nearby table wishes they had family to see.  Some conversations involve complaints that children will visit in-laws instead of them.  Someone else is wishing they had children to complain about.  Throughout these snippets of conversation, one can hear the pain of unfulfilled wishes, dreams that – due to no fault of their own – cannot be realized, and hopes that are fading away.

As a psychologist, I try to offer recommendations designed to improve a person’s life in some way.  So here are some specific ideas of how we can make ourselves and others feel a bit more connection and joy during the holidays:

• If you are overwhelmed seeing family and friends, remember that holidays are not meant to be obligations.  They are meant to be celebrations.
• If you cannot spend a holiday with someone because you are accepting a different invitation, tell him or her when you will visit instead and that whenever you are with them, it is a holiday. I will share that whenever I visited my grandmother, she would exclaim, “Every time I see you it is a holiday!” Wow, suddenly holiday stress was gone; one did not have to see her on the holiday itself. She made every visit feel special and in doing so, enriched every moment spent with family.
• If one of your holiday guests is your burden, treat that person as if you have never met and try to get to know them. Perhaps a new relationship will develop as you listen to new stories rather than focusing on the old ones.
• If you have no children, help someone who does. Offer to watch their children while they prepare for the holiday. Alternately, you can volunteer at a center that will have a holiday party for children in need or volunteer to bring food to parents whose child is hospitalized.
• If you are overwhelmed with the children you have, ask someone who longs for children to help you.
• If you know that you will be overwhelmed that you have no room in your refrigerator or freezer for your left-over food, don’t cook it or, alternatively, donate it to a food bank.
• If you will be alone for the holiday, spend it with someone else who would be alone.

At the root of each of these ideas is approaching each other and ourselves with kindness. The most important take away is that kindness increases connection to others and connection is the key to joy, not just over the holidays – but any day.