Category Archives: Communication

We’ve Said Hello — What Comes Next?

Communication, Intimacy, Loneliness, Psychology, Relationships

When adults meet new people, we tend to connect by asking questions. What do you do? Where do you work? Where do you live? In other words, we often approach initial contact as if we are investigators gathering key information before we decide if we are going to share anything about ourselves.

I cannot help but wonder: what if, when we first meet someone, we switched our tactics and offered something about ourselves instead?

This is, in fact, how most of us initially began conversations. Children tend to start conversations talking about themselves. They share information freely, talk about their interests, and then ask if the other child shares that interest. Children make friends much more easily than adults do, so what makes us abandon what seems to be a very effective strategy?

I have a feeling it relates to a misunderstanding of what it means when we say children are egocentric. After observing children in controlled, scientific settings, psychologists determined that pre-school aged children find it difficult to see the world from any perspective other than their own. For example, if they read a book to someone else, they do not turn it so the other can see the pictures. They assume the other sees the pictures in the book because they can see the pictures in the book.

This came to be interpreted, incorrectly, that if children are egocentric, they must also be egotistical. Egotistic refers to a person who is self-absorbed, self-centered, and disinterested in anyone other than themselves. An egotistical person can see other perspectives; they simply aren’t interested in them. Children have difficulty seeing another perspective, but they are definitely interested in other children.

I say all this because I’ve come to believe that we have been taught that asking the other person questions demonstrates that we are not self-centered; it also demonstrates that we are interested in them. As a result, we hesitate starting a conversation by sharing something about ourselves. But what if asking questions makes the other person feel “on the spot” and sharing about ourselves helps the other person feel comfortable? What if sharing something about ourselves actually makes us seem open and interesting?

Sharing is, in fact, a wonderful skill. So, after we meet someone, what if we switched our tactics and opened a conversation by offering something about ourselves? For example, we can make statements like, “I’m looking forward to watching [a specific sporting event],” or “I was out walking the other day and I saw this unusual bird. Looking for birds is something I enjoy,” or “I just read a great book”. After we share what we find fun, interesting, or enjoyable about the activity, we can then ask, “How about you? What do you enjoy?”.

True connections are not unidirectional; they involve a feedback loop. Next time you’re meeting someone new, or someone you don’t speak to often, I encourage you to take the challenge to share something about yourself before asking others to share about themselves.

Previously published on Medium Apr 15, 2026

What’s The Problem?

Assumptions, Communication, Problem solving, Psychology, Relationships

The most important part of solving a problem is knowing what the problem is.

While that sounds simple, it definitely is not. A word problem, for example, on one level is a math problem. It is also a reading problem. It is also an attention problem. So, if the “problem” is “Susan baked 47 chocolate chip cookies. She ate two. She has 9 jars. How many of the remaining cookies should Susan put in each jar?”, then the mathematical answer is 5 cookies. But, if a child has difficulty reading, they may not know that Susan ate the cookies so there are only 45 cookies left to share. Their reading became the problem. If a child focuses on the cookies and drifts off thinking about how great chocolate chip cookies are, especially when they are warm and served with milk, they may “forget” to answer the question. Their attention became the problem.

Whether we are solving a math problem, a reading problem, an attention problem, or a relationship problem, we need to follow some steps to get to the “issue.” I often refer to this as peeling the onion.

Couple counseling allows me to quickly see a problem from multiple perspectives. When I first meet the couple, we flip a coin as to who will speak to me first. The winner gets 15 minutes to answer “What brings you here?” Then they switch places and the partner answers the same question. In the last 20 minutes of the session, we come together and I give them my initial thoughts on what problem(s) we will work on and in what order.

Here is an example from such a session: Cheryl tells me that they are coming to counseling because Mark has no respect for her. He comes home from work and immediately asks what’s for dinner. This makes her feel like the maid, the cook and the caretaker of his children. Mark says he isn’t sure why they are coming to counseling. He adds that he thinks Cheryl is unhappy and may want a divorce. He doesn’t earn enough money and, because of that, her life is hard. She works part-time, takes care of the kids, and their home. He works long hours and a lot falls onto her because of that. Mark cannot imagine his life without Cheryl. He says she is the center of the entire family. She holds everything together. She makes everyone’s life better. He admires her and doesn’t know what he did to ever deserve her.

Is the problem that Mark has no respect for Cheryl? I don’t think so. Perhaps the problem is communication? Why didn’t Mark ask Cheryl what was troubling her? Why didn’t Cheryl tell Mark how that question made her feel? Why didn’t Mark tell Cheryl that he asked about dinner because sitting down with the family and hearing all about their day is what makes him happy? Why didn’t he admit that he did not like his job and dinner with his family gave his life and his work purpose? Perhaps the problem is about self-esteem. Did Cheryl misinterpret Mark’s question about dinner because she felt that her unpaid work at home and with the kids made her less valuable? Why didn’t Mark tell Cheryl that he felt like a failure because he didn’t make enough income and her life was harder than he wanted it to be?

If the problem was a lack of respect, then divorce would’ve been a reasonable solution to explore. But, by peeling the onion and exploring the inner core of the problem, many other solutions (improving communication, improving self-esteem, changing jobs) became possible.

What steps can we all take to peel the onion? While the steps often seen counterintuitive, I encourage you to give them a try.

The first step is deciding what the problem is. The fancy term for that is problem representation. Now, instead of being content with the “surface” problem, we will begin to peel the onion by making the problem as large as possible.

I know, we have all been told not to make a mountain out of a molehill. That is often good advice. However, we also need to keep in mind that if we make a mountain, we can climb that mountain, and climbing it allows us to gain a new perspective. This not only replies to our personal relationships, but even the workforce/greater economy. For example, if a company defines the problem as decreasing profit, the likely solution is to save money by decreasing the work force. However, what if the problem is how to increase profit? Solutions might include advertising, increasing customer satisfaction by increasing employee/customer ratio, or branching out to new services.

Categorization is the second step in peeling the onion. This is facilitated by that first step of making the problem larger. A larger problem can be placed in more categories. This time, let’s explore the problem of a couple planning a vacation. On one level, a vacation is about a place. Will it be a staycation? Will it be a place where we relax or a place where we engage in various activities? Will it be an island or a city? Will it be in or out of our native country? On another level a vacation is about people. Do we want to vacation alone or with others? Do we want “alone time” with the person/people we travel with or do we want to meet new people? Do all of the people traveling together want the same thing out of a vacation? Does one person feel a vacation is needed while the other feels a vacation is wanted? (In other words, this can be about an entirely different problem — work satisfaction). A vacation on another level is a thing; it is a financial thing. The vacation we want may not be the one we can afford. As you can see, this is a problem that can be placed in many categories. Each category also allows for different solutions. Multiple categories allow us to prioritize different aspects of the problem.

The next step Is to check our assumptions. This is by far the most difficult step. We believe our assumptions are valid. We need to believe that or we would be tied up all day in fact-checking. But, like the mountain/molehill issue, we need to recognize that there are times when our assumptions must be checked. An important indicator is that the assumption is tied to something we have defined as a problem. Once we have begun to peel this onion, once we have determined that there is a problem to be solved, we need to employ the steps: make the problem as broad as possible, categorize it, and check the assumptions we are making about it. One of the most effective ways to check our assumption is to ask the other person if we are correct.

What if Cheryl had checked her assumption and asked Mark if he respected her? She would’ve heard that he not only respected her, he admired her. Weeks and months of worry and anger, and drifting apart might have been avoided. What if Mark had checked his assumption that Cheryl thought he was a failure and wanted a divorce? He would’ve found out that she loved him very much and was actually worried that he found her boring. Again, think of all the pain that might have been avoided.

The questions that we are so afraid to ask and that involve checking our assumptions are often a reflection of the problem we think we have rather than the problem we actually have. Like Cheryl and Mark, our fear of the question can lead to unnecessary pain. Asking allows us to get closer to the core of the onion. Knowing what the real problem is, affords us the opportunity to consider many different ways to solve it.

So, next time you’re faced with a problem, why not give these steps a try?

Published on Medium 7-23-25 https://medium.com/@dr.dianeurban/whats-the-problem-ff2fa9ce711f