We make wishes all the time: at 11:11, when we blow out our birthday candles, when we find a fallen eyelash, when we throw a coin into a well. It is part of human nature. Wishes can be wonderfully optimistic, but they can also be reflections of disappointment or regret about the past rather than optimism about the future. They are wishes such as “If only I had known…” or “If only I had or had not…” or “I wish I could have done things differently”. These are wishes that keep us anchored to unpleasant experiences, rather than inspire a future propelled by what our experiences have taught us. In other words, when we wish that we could have done things differently, our focus is on what we have already done rather than on what we will do going forward.
We’ve all said some variation of “if only”. For example:
(1) “If only I had known how angry she would get, I would not have mentioned ____ today. I would have waited until she was in a better mood.”
(2) “If only I had known he was cheating on me, I would have broken up with him months ago.”
(3) “If only I had not gone to bed so late, I would have been able to do better on the test/job I was assigned.”
(4) “If only I had been more attentive, she would still be dating me.”
(5) “If only I had known that the company was going to go out of business I would have started looking for work months ago.”
(6) “If I had known that today was the last time I would see him, I would have said I loved him when he left for work. I wish that had been the last thing I said.”
In these “if only” scenarios, we tend to use information that was not available at the time we made our decision. This newly available information suddenly becomes a basis for evaluating the merits of our past decision.
However, we cannot lose sight of the fact that our decisions in the moment are based on how one sees the situation at that time. Why avoid mentioning something if you think the person is in a good mood? If you trust someone, why break up with him/her? If you think the next day will be routine, what is the harm in staying up late? If you think you are making someone happy, why change the way you treat them? If you are happy in your job and have no information on the financial position of the company, why change jobs? Did the person know you love them, even though the words were not spoken that morning?
It is often hard to remember the factors that influenced our decision at the time and the consequences of our decisions are sometimes so upsetting to us that we search for how we could have avoided them. It is as if the newly available information is so compelling that it “demands” that we use it as a way of evaluating the merits of our past actions. It is almost as if we get stuck in the wish that things could have been different and in searching for a way to change the past, we wind up turning our back on our future.
I have talked to so many people who ask over and over why they have done something. Why was I so quiet/talkative/sensitive/insensitive/pushy/obedient? These statements are really all variations of “I wish I were different” and the ultimate quest is to find the reason for one’s behavior, the one thing that could have changed it all. While it is important to reflect upon our past actions and learn from those actions, wishing we could change the past does little to foster that learning.
When the statements we make move from the past (“I wish I were”) to the future (“I want to be”), the potential for learning from the past is increased and the potential for change in the future is enhanced.
It seems to me that in order to truly learn from the past, and move on from it, we need to focus on the evidence we collected at the time. Asking ourselves why we behaved a certain way (rather than wishing we had behaved differently) allows us to carefully examine that evidence and determine what we may have overemphasized and what we may have overlooked. Most of the time, we seek confirming evidence, that is, evidence that supports our hypothesis. If we love someone, we look for evidence of their goodness; if we dislike someone, we look for evidence of their meanness. In doing so, we emphasize the evidence that supports or confirms our view. This is a valuable and important part of decision-making and evidence collection. However, if we overemphasize the confirming evidence, we may fail to consider evidence that disconfirms our view. A parent may say, for example, “My kids are great!”. They then seek and find confirming evidence (good grades, politeness) but overlook disconfirming evidence (they are in their room studying and cutting themselves because they are depressed or anxious).
The collection of confirming and disconfirming evidence is important to effective decision-making but to truly learn from the past, the other question we must ask ourselves is “How do I want to behave next time?” This clearly shifts the focus from the past –which we cannot change – to the future, where we can change how we behave. Wishing we could have been more attentive will not bring back the person we were dating; however, being more attentive to those who are in our lives or who will come into our lives can enrich our relationships going forward. Saying, “If only I had known he was cheating on me, I would have broken up with him months ago” does not help one move forward; it keeps one focused on the pain of the past and the uncertainty of the future. This particular statement also points to the inherent irrationality of using today’s information for yesterday’s decision. That is, at the moment, the relationship was good so there was no reason to break up. If one had had the information, then – and only then – does breaking up begin to make sense. Again, reviewing the confirming and disconfirming evidence one used as a basis for trust is useful; focusing our energy on wishing we had done things differently does little to help one learn from the past and does even less to help one move toward a brighter future.
My wish for you is that you make your wishes dreams that can come true, and not lists of past regrets that cannot be changed.
“Do you know why a car’s windshield is so large and the rear view mirror is so small? Because our past is not as important as our future. So, look ahead and move on.” – Unknown
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This is great as usual. Keep on doing a good job and helping people open their eyes and mind.
I can definitely appreciate and relate this article to the growth I’ve experienced throughout my adult life, when it pertains how and I responded to people during stressful or confrontational situations. I always would reflect back at situations and take my actions and response to the situation out of the equation, or better yet offer an excuse or explanation by making statement like “if he would’ve been so condescending I would’ve responded that way” , “I wish would’ve done a better job of staying calm” or ” I wish I knew why he/she reacted like that towards me” But after many years of selfreflection and free counseling session with my in house psychologist AKA my wife, I realized the question I should’ve been ask myself were Why did I let this moment take away from my peaces?
What can I do to improve my listening skills and communicate my feeling after I’ve heard the other person perspective instead thinking of a response while they’er talking?
These types of self reflections helped me improve my self esteem, peace of mind, and relationships with my extended family.
Oh Dear Diane, I keep loving your posts!
This post have a great content. I have experienced several things related to those included in the post.
One of things that most apply to me and made me laugh was when you said “If you think the next day will be routine, what is the harm in staying up late?” I have to wake up around 5:20 or 5:30am to go to work, but I stay up late just because of not investing my time wisely. Today, I just spoke with my sister and I told her that I was sad because yesterday I had time to do my homework, but I did nothing, so she told me that the best that I could do was not to do the same today. After I finished working today I wanted to go to a store “just to see clothes” but then I thought about it and decided not to go because it would be the same, staying up late doing homework and wake up early. I think that we have to apply those advices that you wrote in this wonderful post. As you said,
“Focusing our energy on wishing we had done things differently does little to help one learn from the past and does even less to help one move toward a brighter future.” I agree with and I will try to start using such advices. I SHOULD use them, right? Of course!
Thanks for your dedication and for investing your time writing such great posts for your students and for anyone. ???
Amazing. The timing of this could not be better, I really needed this.
Thank you!
I personal do enjoy every moment of your post on real matters. I only want to comment about how to learn from your past. The past is our biggest teacher in life. Because if you get the opportunity to look back, you can truly use the past experiences and memories to help you to uncover what you have learned. Either is a mistake you made or a decision you took which didn’t help you. The major problem for most peoples is that, they can’t accept their past and let go of things. And it keeps on hurting them from time to time because they are not ready to accept their past and learn new things. You can’t change what happened but you can change how you let these events affect you.Either you played an actively or passively role of your past, I believe you have learned something from it. And what you have learned is going, you can use that information or experience towards creating your confident new story. The one you are going to start living or using today. Hope you enjoy my comment.
This article has reminded me of the butterfly effect. The butterfly effect is the theory of a single event small or big, can change the course of someones life creating alternative world. It leave me in shock of the idea of people wishing to change the direction of their lives just to know what will change from their current life. I will be amazed to know how the course of my life will change, if I had a little brother or sister. Sometimes, being an only child gets lonely and it would be nice to have someone to play video games with or exercise at the local gym. In addition, I found many valuable lesson on reading this article, but the most important lesson was not to feed of on the pain and regrets that occurred in the past. Instead, move only forward and do not let these elements hover over someone. Furthermore, I was surprised when the author use the windshields of a car to symbolism the past and future. The rear windows represent the past while the front windshields represent the future.
Wow. I thought that this post was very interesting because you’re exploring topics that I’ve never really taken the time to think about. Whenever I wish, I always wish for positive things. I have never even thought about the fact that there are plenty of people in this world that wish negatively, and often times the people who wish negatively make wishes about the past. This ultimately leads them to live in the past, which can lead to many negative, and detrimental emotional disorders. One of the things we discussed in class today, was something that you taught/told us that was about your life, and it was in fact a good life lesson too. You said that you’ve been embarrassed in your lifetime, scared, angry, and depressed, but the only thing that matters is that you’re still here today, and everyday that you’ve felt these negative emotions, you’ve ultimately overcome each and every one of them. Essentially, you are absolutely right about how you cannot turn your back on the future, ever. In these negative situations, if you can take the time to think about all the great things you’ve experienced and have in your life, just take deep breaths, and learn to laugh more, everything will work out in the end.
what an interesting post, and I am with you professor, somethings we just have to let things go. I always tell my friends, “don’t let a bad condition or your ex wears you down. Every bad situations are a learning process in life. Never do we have to think, an ex is a mistake. God does not bring people into our lives if they were not worth it at that very moment.
oh boy! I love you professor Diane, you’re really making a great impact in pupils life especially your students. This post is so me but, after reading this powerful post, I am going to look past my failures in life and change my approach towards life. Thanks for doing this.
I enjoyed reading this blog just because it has to deal with a personal issue that I am dealing with right now. This blog was a definite must read for me! Keep it up Dr. Urban!
Wow I never thought about it that way. Every time I walk by a fountain I always make a wish and toss a coin. I would agree that some are my regrets of thing I haven’t accomplished and other are for my children to be healthy and happy and fruitful life.
Everything we do has a purpose, some are habitual and others are for something better. Your right if we are going to make a wish we should be thing positive and looking towards the future so we have something to aspire too.
Valuable insight-I tend not to look at situations from the point of moving forward but rather stuck in regrets in the past. Working on this- Thanks for shining the light and showing me the proper perspective to move forward.
The insight from this to me is hits home directly, I tend to be one who says the “If I have” or “I wish”. As I read through this blog I was thinking of certain things that I have done or had happen to me in my own life. Thinking the way that you have described here has helped me put some of those regrets or expectations in the past. Looking at my life now I have so many amazing things to look forward to in the future that I cant take any more time to look back at the things that I have done in my past. Greatly appreciate this helpful insight like the many above, this change perspective has been very helpful.
Dr. Urban,
I really do love reading your blogs and they always seem to come at the right times. I constantly fight with myself regarding this topic. There are so many things that I wish I could have done differently in my life because I feel that, had I done them, my life would be much better. However, I spend so much time wishing I had “stuck to that diet – If I had I would be so much thinner right now” or “Had I done things differently in that relationship, I could have been married with children by now” that I do lose sight of the present. By doing this I am allowing my past to affect my future.
Reading this only affirms that I need to focus on the present, so that I can take control of my future. Constantly harping on the past is unhealthy and counterproductive. You’re right; it does not help one move forward and it only keeps us focused on the past. This can lead to unnecessary depression which will cause a person to continue to go down the same path they took in the past. For example, the depression of knowing that you could have been thinner had you stuck to that diet may cause you to continue to overeat. This solves nothing and only perpetuates the cycle. I will try to work on this and think of your wise words when I begin to regress.
This was a great post, it makes me think of all the times I have said “I wish I did/didn’t, or I should have/have not. Luckily when I look at these times, most are from long ago when I was younger. I find myself wishing less and doing more.
Seems to me the leading factor in not wishing as much as I used too is because I have learned from my past mistakes or missed opportunities. I think when I was younger the future was hazy and I didn’t know the best way to get to where I wanted to be. Now, older and more experienced there is a clearer vision in my mind of where I’m going and I think I know how to get there.
Very interesting, as I read my way through this I found myself nodding and recollecting on times I have done some of the exact things you referenced. I can’t express how enlightening this is to me, I have spent years secretly wishing and aiming for goals. The odd part is that I never realized on my own the negative impact it was having on me. Throughout the years I have reflected on where I wanted to be our what I thought I would be doing and I find myself negatively being hard on myself for not reaching those goals or places. After reading this and processing it I realize adjustments I can make to how I look at this. Moving forward I have to worry less about where or how I thought I would be living and focus on where I am and what is next for me. Just one more thing that I can turn from a negative into a positive on this journey we call life. Thank you for your insight and sharing such an important point in healthy living.
The past many of the times shapes the future which you touch on slightly saying, “if only i knew this or that”. Its really nice reading these posts because many times one can relate, how many times i have said something like that is un countable. I wish i did not spend so much money, or If only i did not go out this weekend. But concentrating on the past makes the present and the future difficult. The past is something we currently can not change so looking back on it will bring no happiness ( unless your looking back to a happy memory ). The past many of times does not have to be forgotten but sometimes it should not be looked back on to remember the unhappy things.
This can help me currently because a lot of the times i stress about work even when i home. Sometimes i think ” it should not have taking so long to complete this job”, or why did i not just stay a few hours later to complete that”. Its the little things the make the present time bad. I know i can learn from them like you said above “take the evidence i learned to come to the conclusion of i should have done something different”. So now in the future i hopefully never do it again and i never have to say “if only”
I felt this post directly applied to my life, and I’m sure many people would also feel this way after reading it. I am a very optimistic individual. I tend to look for and see the best in others and in myself. My friends have warned me that I’m too optimistic, and I typically dismiss it and just assume that I tend to see the best in situations and people. This post pointed a finger at how important it is to also weigh the negatives, and that they cannot be simply overlooked or ignored. While I will continue to be my positive self, I will also pay more attention to negative aspects and think about how they can be made better.
This hit the nail on the head. I have to agree with all that was mention in your blog post. I find myself doing the same thing every day, always wishing for a second chance and those “what if’s”. We have to remember the reasons for why we make those decisions in the first place although, like you mentioned, it can be hard. We make those decisions because of how we felt in that particular moment. Being positive can be hard but we have to remember to stop looking back and wishing we had done things different.
I related so much to this post. I am a dreamer, to a fault. I always dream about things that have yet to happen or think of past situations in which I change my decisions for a better outcome. I myself am impairing any future positivity because I am still lamenting on things that are now in my rear view mirror. I feel that many things that we are all guilty of have been mentioned in this blog. It’s so therapeutic to read that sometimes we are all trying to figure things out together.
I absolutely love all of these. I relate so much to this post, I’m always day dreaming and sometimes they are happy daydreams sometimes they are ones about how stressed I am and how afraid I am to graduate because I won’t get the teaching job I want. I’m always wishing for a second chance on life to not meet some of the people I met and to get better grades. At the same time though I’m happy with who I am now and the person I have become.
I really like this post, when you said “My wish for you is that you make your wishes dreams that can come true, and not lists of past regrets that cannot be changed.” Its important to live life with no regrets and to live life to the fullest, Don’t be one of those people who would like to do something but didn’t have the courage to do it
like always, great post professor. i can relate to it. especially about staying up late and going to school the following day tired, peculiarly that i work overnights lol. sometimes we do have to sacrifice some things in order to succeed. i have learned that failures are lessons, and the best that we can do is to never give up.
I relate to this post on an emotional level because I just quit my job 2 weeks ago and my boss seemed fine with it at first then all of a sudden 4 days later started spreading rumors about me.. Rumors my co workers and best friend believed. I lost my best friend that day and all I could think was if only I didn’t put in my two weeks, maybe she would still be my friend.. I think those thoughts a lot and wish at 11:11 knowing it’s not real and my wish wont come true but 3 days later I got the best job ever and now I think to myself who cares what others think of me all that matters is what I think of myself.
This comment that came in via email from a student was worth sharing – “Having red “Wish for a Better Future”, I agree that wishes, no matter if they are ambitious or humble, realistic or improbable, noble or malicious, could be generally divided in two categories: connected with the past, or directed to the future. Even grammatically the expression” I wish” could be used in two different senses: “I wish I had done something in a different way” or “I wish something good will happen in the future”. Each of us has made mistakes in his/her life and we are tempted to find excuses or even dream about having the past changed. This is doing us no good. So far no method has been invented to reverse time and be able to interfere with past event. At every moment of our lives, our next move is going to be in the time ahead of us so wishes should be done only for the future. However how can we make the right wish without connecting it to our past? Unsuccessful efforts and disappointments from past experience help us shaping up the wishes for the days and years to come. The only advantage of the past is the chance to learn from it so in our strivings for the future we could avoid some mistakes and increase the chances of our wishes to come true. So don’t waste time to say “If I knew…” or “If only I had the opportunity…”, but rephrase it to: “Now I know and if I have a second chance, which I hope, this time I will make it happen’”
“Do you know why a car’s windshield is so large and the rear view mirror is so small? Because our past is not as important as our future. So, look ahead and move on.” – Unknown
After reading this post and the quote at the end, I was greatly impacted. We, being human, are never and will never be absolutely perfect. We do things or not do things in our lives that we later may regret. But, we must evaluate the situation, reflect upon it and then, as hard as it may be, move on. I can list dozens of “wishes” and “what ifs” that I have said throughout my life and realized that I cannot hold on these wishful thoughts. It is essential and beneficial for the well-being of our lives that we learn from our past and take it with us to improve our future.
For example, like myself, as I am sure many others out there have “wishes” or “what ifs” that go hand and hand with relationships with a boyfriend or girlfriend. I have had a few boyfriends throughout my life and through every relationship, I have learned and gotten a better and stronger understanding of the person I am and want to be. I have been a liar, a cheater, a supporter, a nagger, a listener, and a doormat (in that order). But, I take away a lesson from each relationship and situation that gives me the opportunity to have healthier ones in the future.
It is useless to weigh ourselves down with regrets, “wishes”, or “ifs” because in life there will be many; it is what it means to be human. Instead, we need to learn from them and give ourselves the ability to live for the future and not in the past.
This is a very interesting post. We, as humans, are pleasure/comforting seeking, mostly for the self. So, it isn’t entirely surprising when we spend every moment of the day remember and regretting our actions that failed to satisfy us. As a result of these actions, we are ,seemingly, forever enveloped in those moments and we lose track of time and opportunities could possible help us to “cleanse” and “move on”. The past, however, is a beautiful instrument of time because it is our guide and our teacher for the lessons the future holds.
It is a wonderful thing, Professor, to include a “way” for us to learn from the past that will enable us to find “peace” in the tests and lessons of the future. Thank you for your piece, it is very relatable.
Reading this article helped me realize that I shouldn’t dwell on my mistakes. For example I can relate to this when I am running a track race and I don’t come in the place I wanted to come in. I would always look back at how I ran the race and think about the negative things that happened in the race. Either if I wish I ran faster or had longer strides but what really would get to me was the height difference. Sometimes I would race someone that is taller than me and I would wish I was taller in order to beat the person. But my coach finally was able to convince me it wasn’t about height it was about how fast you are. My coach was correct because I realized that I started to beat people twice my height. It took while to convince me that height was not the main factor of winning your race. But I finally overcame that and started to believe in myself .
I love this idea. I actually have already implemented it in my wishes and have been doing so for quite some time. I also take it one step further. Whenever I wish for something, I wish for something that is realistic that I can make happen in the future, and EVERY time I make a wish until I have made it happen, that wish goes to that same thing. I believe this gives me subconscious motivation when I am not thinking about whatever it is because I am constantly reminding myself when I do think about it that it is something I want.
I believe this is very important because I have (as I’m sure everyone has at one point or another) been that person wishing I could have done things differently. I know what it’s like to wish you didn’t make that mistake or another and spend hours just thinking about what you could have done differently. But hindsight is 20/20 for a reason, and it’s exactly what you said, we know afterwards what we could have done because we can see the extra piece of the puzzle that we didn’t have at the time of the mistake or whatever happened that we wish didn’t.
So I wholeheartedly support this idea. Wish for a better future. Don’t forget the past, because we learn from our pasts, but do allow yourself to move on and look forward. Everything we do in life can be made better by putting our effort and our wishes into our future instead of our past. Life is too short to spend looking over your shoulder at every mistake, and a brighter future is only possible if you make the effort!
I thought this wonderful comment from a student of mine needed to be shared:) “I took an interest in the article Wish for a Better Future simply for the fact I always wish for a better future now a day. I don’t relate to the people who say, “I wish I did _____ different”, because the experiences we go threw in life are based off the decisions we make at that time. So, I can see that my perspective now may say “hey that was dumb”, but I can also understand I did what made me happy back then, so I wouldn’t dare think about changing something that must have made me happy for a while even if it had consequences later. That’s why now I just wish to recover from the stupidity of my past and learn from it. I think understanding that you can’t change the past is a great way to realize you should focus on changing the future, because that is possible. Also I agree with you saying if we focus to much on the past or what could’ve been, we lose focus on the future and bettering our self’s”
“Do you know why a car’s windshield is so large and the rear view mirror is so small? Because our past is not as important as our future. So, look ahead and move on.” – Unknown
This is going to be my new quote going forward. My current one is “You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough “~ Mae West
I think both of these quotes have a lot in common, I’m a true believer of thinking forward and not living in the past. We need to understand that we are not perfect and that we will make mistakes. Also, there are times and will always be times in which things do not occur the way we want them to occur, and there may be a reason for it. Perhaps, it was not the right moment for that to happen.
This is a great post. Being in a new relationship I’m always thinking what if I met this person 10 years ago. Then I also say, I wouldn’t change anything because I have two beautiful kids. Its tough to think back and wonder how it could of been with someone you truly love now. I really enjoy the line about the rear view mirror and the windshield. I am going to have to use that one going forward! Thanks
I really enjoyed this blog. I have only viewed making wishes in the positive sense, blowing out your birthday candles or giving my children pennies to throw into a fountain. It is true that we make decisions at the time based on what the situation or what information we have. I try not to beat myself up if I make a decision and then the outcome is not perfect. I made what I thought at the time was the best decision. I do not like to dwell in regret. I learned this after losing my son’s father at 21. He died in a car accident. It was sudden, to no time to say goodbye. I dwelled in regret for months as I grieved.
The part of the blog that I found to be very valuable is:
“It seems to me that in order to truly learn from the past, and move on from it, we need to focus on the evidence we collected at the time. Asking ourselves why we behaved a certain way (rather than wishing we had behaved differently) allows us to carefully examine that evidence and determine what we may have overemphasized and what we may have overlooked. Most of the time, we seek confirming evidence, that is, evidence that supports our hypothesis. If we love someone, we look for evidence of their goodness; if we dislike someone, we look for evidence of their meanness. In doing so, we emphasize the evidence that supports or confirms our view. This is a valuable and important part of decision-making and evidence collection.”
I can see that I am guilty of this from time to time at work and at home. If your mindset is that something is a certain way, it can be hard to really see the evidence and change your point of view. As I have gotten older, I would say that I am definitely more open minded and also careful not to jump to conclusions. I like to think things over very carefully. If conflicted or think I am thinking something ludicrous, I will use a sounding board that I trust to gain an alternate perspective.
I really enjoy your blogs. I have had the “what if” mentally since i could remember to the point it used to eat my alive. I always thought about situations especially bad ones or ones that meant something to me in terms how i wished things were different or how i would change it if i could go back in time. It was a lot of should’ve, could’ve, would’ve. This blog just reaffirms my belief now that what was done, said or happened at that moment was exactly that, that moment. There is reason that moment and if you continue to try to replay the past, you can never move forward to a prospering future.
I think that having children changed the way I now look at wishes. In the past I would have wished for extravagant stuff, I wish I could have traveled the world, I wish I had plenty of money, I wish I had done better at school first time round! Since becoming a parent I believe I wish forward now. I wish well for my children, I wish and hope I can give them a platform to make their lives successful in whatever they want to pursue. I believe looking back at your past can be a good thing, for me it spurs me on to try and make better choices. Everyone will have “if only” moments from their past and looking back now on some of my own moments I would say emotions played a major role in my decision making. As time has moved on I think I tried to leave emotions out of decision making, letting the past go and looking to a positive future.
This post was great! I constantly try to go back into the past to figure out things and I often beat myself up because I am wasting time and energy on it. Many times have I used the saying “only if I knew that back then, I would’ve done…” not a thing! We live in the past because we cannot see what the future holds for us. While reading the post though, I starred at the words ” today’s information for yesterday’s decision” for quite sometime and came to the conclusion those words were meant for me to read. Though, I have attempted many times to change my way, I feel just seeing those words today made me realize I need to do better and stop trying to become a time traveler to fix expired situations.
The article “Wish for a Better Future” is very motivating. It makes me realize that there is nothing to gain with “if only” the present is that, a gift. Focusing on the “if only” we are not allowing us the option to change the future. Being stuck in the past, only harms us, and nothing good comes from that. As the blog states, “we emphasize the evidence that supports or confirms our view. this is a valuable and important part of decision-making and evidence collection. However, if we overemphasize the confirming evidence, we may fail to consider evidence that disconfirms our view.” It made me think, if it does confirm or deny, what can we change it, it was the past. All we can do is analyze it and move forward as a learning experience. Over analyzing it will only hurt us emotionally, and it does not allow us to embrace the beautiful experiences in front of us.
This post spoke volumes to me. Often, we spend so much time dwelling on the past that we lose sight of what in right in front of us. Learning from your past is a big part of grown up and helps shape us into adults.
The part about over emphasizing the confirming evidence was very interesting. You come across so many people that just look for confirmation in their ideas, rather than keeping an open mind. One of the hardest things to do is to remove the trust that we have in our past experiences.
I really enjoyed the blog, For me wising is like wishing to hit lotto, I know it isn’t going to happen but it’s nice to dream. Same thing in the way I look at what I could have and should have. I think wishing is healthy, I think you can reflect on things that either you didn’t see or missed out on and use that information for when something similar comes along. I think it will help in life and maybe help in growing as a person.
I can relate to this article myself because sometimes I will sit back and think of my regrets and think of what I could have done instead of thinking about how i’m going to learn from my mistakes and get better and grow as a person. Everybody in this world has made mistakes and has some regrets but in order to grow as a person you must stop worrying about the regrets and mistakes you made in the past and move forward and try to use those negatives and turn them in to positives. This is personally something that I still struggle with but I feel like the older I get the more I understand.
“When the statements we make move from the past (“I wish I were”) to the future (“I want to be”), the potential for learning from the past is increased and the potential for change in the future is enhanced.” I feel like this is when you have finally grown up, Once you come to this realization you have taken responsibility for your decisions and choices and you’re ready to start learning from them. It takes some of us (me) a bit longer than others but in my opinion the important thing is getting there eventually. I regreted not getting my college degree for a long time but I did nothing about it, just a lot of “I wish I stayed in school” that got me nowhere, when it became “I want to finish my degree” thats when everything started to come together. Great read, thank you
This is a very interesting way to see things and I believe it to be very true. I often see that people dwell on the decisions they have made in the past and always tell themselves they could have done better. They often do forget the small details that make up the situation as well as the decision they did make. We as people need to learn to reflect on the decisions we have made and learn from them because that is what helps us grow.
I myself notice that I use to think that way when it came to my personal life. I felt I made decisions that I could have done differently and wished I had. I then realized that those decisions helped me develop a sense of understanding when it comes to the events that occurred from that decision. Whether the result be positive or negative I learned something new that I would change in the future. I apply this at work and understand that some things are learned through trial and error. I find that this can be the best teacher sometimes when trying to grow and become better for the future.
Reading the reference to making a wish at 11:11 reminded me of something my wife and I used to do. Each day at 11:11 we would send each other an “I Love you” message. After reading this blog post, I have reflected and decided that rather than wishing this practice did not end or think about why it ended, I am simply going to respond differently. The next 11:11, I will send my wife an “I love you” message. I understand that importance of this blog and the intended message. Wishing a different outcome is a passive stance, which only allows regret. What also landed with me was the notion of saying or doing something in the moment, right when you feel it and based on the information you had. When there is different information available, you can make different choices. Just last night I was driving home with my wife and a subject came up that I reacted to negatively based on information I thought that I had. After my wife allowed me to vent, she gave me some facts that took away my anger and made me wish I had known this information before saying things I would regret. I immediately apologized and took action for my misinterpretation.
I recall someone explaining to me what living in the past is like. I had attended a seminar where the presenter was on a stage and started calling out terrible things that happened to him in the past. As he moved across the stage, identifying each one of these events, he would grab a piece of furniture or an item and pile it in front of himself. This powerful demonstration clearly showed what happens when you hold on to things from the past; you block your way and are bogged down from moving forward. We can grow from the past. It is important to recognize what we regret, and hope that we are better for learning from those experiences and improving who we are and what we want to be.
I really enjoyed the blog because it hits home. We do this in our heads all the time and we never look at the things that was. It is like being a Monday Morning Quarterback, but in the positive way. Monday Morning Quarterback do it to bash the moment and make things worse. We do it because the situation affects us directly and we want to do a better job in the future. Future is what we can control, we cannot control the past. What is interesting is that we love to question ourselves and constantly criticize the way we handled the situation, but everything has its purpose, and we should all learn from our past, which will serve us better in the future.
One way when you really look at the past positively is when you unfortunately, lose a loved one. Usually, you only remember the positives stories and they outweigh the negative ones buy far. Life is too short, and future is where we should be focused on
The message in this blog is so accurate. We shouldn’t be so focused on our past mistakes, but we should definitely learn from them. When we learn from our past, our future will be that much better. One thing that keeps me grounded to sustain a bright future is sometimes reflect on the past and why I made those changes. They say history repeats itself and that goes for individuals as well. It is natural to take things for granted, we live in a world that is extremely fast paced and we get absorbed in trying to balance life, but like anything if the scale tips too much to one side, it will topple.
This article was very helpful to me. This is excellent advice that I will take with me and pass on to my children. We should continue to learn from our mistakes, move on, and use our “regrets” as teaching opportunities. Ask ourselves, “why did we do this?” helps us discover what we might have missed.
I believe that the vast majority of people have experienced at least one disappointment or regret in their lives. Our history does influence our present. We might not be doing ________ now, if we hadn’t done _______in the past. I have a prime example of this. For a long time, I regretted not going to college after graduating from high school. I would not have gone to trade school if I had gone to college straight out of high school. If I hadn’t gone to trade school, I’d probably would not be working where I am now. If I hadn’t worked where I do now, I might not have gone to college because my job helps pay for it. Life is a strange cycle.
Wow, this is an interesting blog. You really had me thinking when you said that, “Wishes can be wonderfully optimistic, but they can also be reflections of disappointment or regret about the past rather than optimism about the future.” I see myself as an optimistic person who always takes responsibility for myself, my reactions and any given situation. I’ve learned to harness the power of positive thinking and take any negative thought, experience or situation and convert it into something positive. I believe that everything in life happens for a reason. You need to learn from these situations and move on. Rather than focusing on the bad.
I feel as though life is filled with wishes. As we consider the what if’s that we encounter through our day to day lives. The toughest thing to do is to try and avoid these circumstances by thinking about the future with the outcomes of our decisions being considered prior to following through with it. I can’t help but to consider how different my life would be right now if I had acquired a college degree straight out of high school. Sometime I wish I had done so but on the other hand I am happy with the way my life has turned out. My past experiences have helped shape me into the person I am today.
There has and, I believe, will always be these times of where we feel that we wish a different decision be made. I think there is a certain satisfaction that comes along with making the right decision.
This is a great read, people are always looking back at they could have done with regret. Like you said looking at the past is something that we can build the future with. Let’s see what we disliked about that choice, and correct it in the future. We are all who we are today due to our past actions, by correcting what we see fit is how we will all truly grow.
The past is exactly that, the past. I tell my children all the time, it’s ok to regret something you have done, just make sure you reflect on that situation, see what you need to change, and do it correctly next time.
I think the message in this article is great advice, and important for changing our perspective on events from the past which cannot be changed. I think that everyone can think of an example of something that they regret doing or not doing, and while regrets can offer a lesson to be learned, dwelling on those thoughts do little for moving past them. I very much agree that focusing on “if only” scenarios do little for us in the long term, after all, nothing can change what has happened in the past. Shifting that perspective to what can be learned from the experience, and what can I do differently in the future, gives us an opportunity to use what we’ve learned in a positive way.
I know that in my professional life, I’ve made many mistakes but I think that I’ve learned more from failures than from successes. One example of this is when I first tried to get into a management role, but my preparation for the job interview was not focused on the right topics. I did not dwell on “if only” I would have done it differently. Instead, I doubled down on my preparation for the next opportunity and utilized all available resources to give myself the best chance for success. I think your post does a great job at emphasizing the importance of moving forward, and how to accomplish that, and I loved the quote at the end.
Thank you Dr. Urban. This post is insightful. I enjoyed it.
It makes me think of the term, “Hindsight is 20/20”. There are certainly times where I reflect on past decisions I’ve made and think of the results, implications, benefits, ramifications, or consequences of those decisions. In all honesty, it is rare that I wish I’ve made a different choice. There are times where I recognize that a decision may have had negative impact on me or those around me. However, when reflecting on the decisions later, I focus more on what I’ve learned and how my decision affected me or those I care about instead of wishing I made a different decision. Not to say I haven’t had any regrets. There are certainly choices I’ve made where I wish I hadn’t. I just also find value in making bad choices because they teach us how to make decisions better in the future.
I like the analogy of the windshield being much larger than the rearview mirror in a car because it is more important to look to the future than the past. I agree. I try to remain conscious in the “Now” and only reflect on the past to improve the quality of the present and future unless it is to be nostalgic about memories. I think that’s why I don’t spend much time wishing that I did things differently in the past. I just try to learn from my mistakes or bad decisions so I can apply the lessons learned in the present and future. Dwelling on the past by wishing I made different choices doesn’t serve much purpose for me. It only yields positive results when I reflect on the past with the intention of improving the present/future with the lessons I’ve learned.
I enjoyed the article, and it has made me think about regrets and what I have learned from the regrets I have. If we learn from our mistakes and use them as teaching opportunities rather than disappointments, then it will make us better people. I will pass this message to my children as well. One regret this makes me think about was not finishing my education when I graduated high school. Rather I started to work, fast forward over 25 years later I decided to go back to complete my education starting over at age 43. I often tell my children about the regret of not pursuing school right out of high school and having to return to school now to enable me to move up and pursue new opportunities in my career. Who knows what I would be doing and were I would be if I had only went to college right out of high school.
I found this article to be interesting for several reasons. The first being the impact of regret and disappointment that a wish reflecting on changing the past has. I never realized how speaking in reference to the past and wishing things were done differently has. I believe past experiences whether good or bad are learning experiences and agree with your view on looking to the future to correct future behaviors. This is the other reason I found this article interesting the statement you made about focusing on the past does little for us in the future is a great to see and hear, because of how true this statement is. I know many individuals who are stuck on past mistakes and focus their energy on wishing things were different, rather than focusing their energy on learning and ensuring that the same mistakes do not occur in the future.
What a great piece and highlighted the importance of living without regrets, seizing the moments, and appreciating why you do things in the first place. Reading the article helped me reflect on my life, especially my journey with returning to school and earning my degree. After settling down and having a family, I decided it was the right time to return to school. The first couple of months were hard on me. Trying to balance a full-time job, school, and being a father/husband was not easy. Sometimes I would question myself if this was a good idea. As I was struggling with trying to balance all three, I found myself regretting not finishing school when I was younger. Regretting the past added to my stress levels and made things harder for me. That was until I discovered that dwelling on the past, especially negative thinking, didn’t help me push forward and take control of my life but kept me back. I wasn’t getting anywhere, just bickering about the past. What I did to change how I felt was use that negative energy to motivate myself to work twice as hard to balance my life so I can take control of my life and enjoy every bit of it. I couldn’t change the past, but I could change what I do now, how I do it, and remember the real reason why.
I enjoyed your post. But I don’t believe wishes are all “if” statements. I wish my friend gets cured of cancer. I wish for my son to ace his state tests. I wish for my wife to get the job she applied for. I agree that many of our wish statements include “ifs”. I wish I wore a jacket today. If I checked the weather, I would have worn a jacket today. I wish I practiced my presentation more. If I knew I was going to be so nervous, I would have practiced my presentation more.
You mentioned at the end of your blog, we should be forward thinking. The past is the past, learn from our mistakes and move on. I 100% agree! We also need to understand what we can and cannot control. I cannot control the cure of cancer, but I can control how much my son studies for his test. Understand what we can effect in our lives is important in a forward thinking mindset.
This was a very interesting article and really allowed me to view “wishes” from a different perspective. As mentioned in the article, it is always easy to look back on something and wish for a different outcome or wish we could have handled the situation in a different manner. This article allowed me to realize that my decision was made in the moment, with a certain viewpoint of the facts and situation at hand.
Allowing ones self to look back on these situations and grow from them, instead of wishing for a change to have happened then is how we grow and learn to make better decisions moving forward. What if’s can be detrimental to growth unless we allow ourselves to learn from these situations and be better for it next time.
I enjoyed reading this article. as time passes its funny to look back at a specific memory in time where you may regret something you did and say what was i thinking. but at the time that decision made perfect sense. so i though it was interesting point you made when you said its difficult to remember the reasonings we me made curtain choices in the past. I know I personally have those types of memories when i was young and thought I was crazy for doing specific things.
Wow, was THIS ever topical to my current life situation…We lost our Dad to cancer this past November, and my Mom, myself and my 2 younger sisters really struggled with the “what if’s” and the “I wish I would just have”‘s. Mom and Dad live n Florida, I’m in nY and my sisters are in Texas and Georgia, so we all don’t get to see each other nearly as much as we should. When Dad got diagnosed, we all came together as a huge family in Florida, all the kids, grandkids, husbands, wives, dogs, everyone. We wanted to make sure we had the best possible time because we didn’t know for sure how Dad’s cancer would progress. After he passed, we all struggled with “I should have visited more” or ” I wish I would have known he was sick earlier and maybe there would have been time to save him”.
These past 5 months since have been painful, but we all came to realize the “I wishes” didn’t matter. We all decided we WILL visit each other more, because we learned you never know how much time you have with each other, and we can’t beat ourselves up for things we didn’t know or do, because the time we did have with Dad was amazing and we were so lucky to have been raised by him. We started focusing on all the milestones he DID get to experience in our lives, like marriages, having his grandkids, and buying our first homes. We never have to say ‘I wish he got to see X” because we focus on all the good he did get to see.
This post couldn’t have been more accurate. I am the kind of person who spends too much time thinking about my past mistakes and how there are affecting my present over and over again. This keeps me in a constant cycle of regrets and if Only’s, I have been trying to break that cycle for a long time because it brings me to be anxious and worry. Overthinking past situations with the knowledge I have now it’s not the best decision. Truth be told, I am learning to stop blaming the current me for mistakes the past me made.
I am grateful for your point of view on this topic, it is of extreme importance to begin seeing the past as a lesson not as a punishment. Our past mistakes aren’t for us to come up with a list of “if Only’s” but to learn from them to make sure we don’t make the same mistakes again. We MOST move forward and look towards the future! I will not give my future my back to live in the past where I can’t change a thing. Now all we have is lessons from the past, our lives in the present and the action we will take for the future. Thank you so much for your wisdom! for some reason your posts always speak to me, continue sharing your gifts I know it’s helping many, and it will help many more.
I enjoyed reading this article, the concept hat wishes should be used to guide future decisions rather than dwell on the past is very impactful and I believe many people would benefit from looking at thing through this lens. I think that this concept is also extremely relatable, who has thought back on something in their past and said I wish I did this differently, this article shows us that in stead getting stuck in that moment use it to better equip yourself to make and better decision next time or to push you towards a new goal. I really liked the quote “Do you know why a car’s windshield is so large and the rear view mirror is so small? Because our past is not as important as our future. So, look ahead and move on.” – Unknown, it’s a great way to easily explain the importance of looking forward in life and leaving the past in the past.
I agree that words are very powerful and can affect the way we act. When we put energy into things that happen in the past by wishing it went a different way, it’s like punishing yourself about something you didn’t know was going to happen. There are situations where we have clear evidence of events, how people act towards or treat us that we may not act on. In those instances, I can see having regrets. In any case, we still must move forward and put our energy in what we are going to do moving into the future. After all is said and done, what I want to be or will do will be the preference over what I should have or needed to have been done.
great article, I agree that its so easy to dwell on the past and so difficult to look to the future while doing so. We need to learn that the past cannot be altered but the future can be by taking what we learn and utilizing it. I’m guilty of this just as much as everyone else and so I’m going to try using this practice of changing how I think of an event by using “I want to be” instead of “I wish I was” statements. I’ve done things similar to this in the past like when I had interviews. I would tell myself “I’m ready and prepared” this would give me confidence leading up to the interview.
I was amazed the number of times within our life we make wishes. I remember when I was a child, making wishes was a once a week or every other week occurrence. If I see a shooting star, I wish for a bike and these wishes changes as I got older. Some may have come through, but I knew my parents purchases some of these items over the years. As an adult I do not make wishes as often when I was a child, but the blog posts a different concept of how we wish for a different outcome of something that already happened. I do wish for certain outcome if I make a mistake or if I had changed this purchase order or had not invested money into a company, I would have had a different outcome. Making wishes is not something I do in my personal or business life often because I know if I make a mistake or screw-up an account there is no turning back or wishing it away. People I speak too always wish they have done something differently or wish they had change something for a certain outcome but living your life that way is not good. Like the blog said that “why a car’s windshield is so large and rear-view mirrors are small” you can’t change your past but can affect the outcome of your future.
I truly enjoyed reading this blog and I can relate to it regarding events in my personal life as well as my job. For example, in my personal life I use to regret not attending college and every now and then I would feel depressed. When I finally made the decision to sign up, I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.
As it relates to my job, I recently applied for a new position within the company. I did extremely well on the interview but did not receive the position. Initially, I was disappointed and kept thinking about how I could’ve answered the interview questions differently. I guess it’s human nature to question how you could’ve handled past situations but accepting the past is the key to moving forward and letting go.
This is a great article, and I have actually spoken about similar situations with people close to me and peers at work. This relates to both my personal life as well as my career. Saying “I wish I did this” or “I would’ve done this if I had known” doesn’t get you anywhere after the first time you use that excuse. I made a promise to myself mentally a long time ago that using those lines can only happen once, you learn from the first time you made that mistake and you correct it going forward. In order to fully embrace your full potential you need to go after all of your dreams and goals, no matter what you think the outcome is going to be. When you wish you did something and never get that opportunity again it is gone. There are a lot of things that come up in my personal life that I always say to myself, I am going to push forward and try to achieve this, if I fail I get better at it next time, but at least I know I did it.
This method is mentally healthy for yourself in order to pursue all goals in your life. I talk about reaching for whatever it is you want to do with a lot of people around me. I like to use the term “keep going”, because in the end you will reach your goal no matter what it is.
This post is significant in many ways, mostly in that we should learn from previous experiences and do better in our future; not dwell on what we have done wrong and keep ourselves in that way of thinking. Having done this exact thing for many years, I realize how weighed down I was with wishing I had done things differently versus actually doing them differently. This applies to big decisions that I made that shaped me as an adult to choices I have made in my personal relationships and career.
One major area that I have learned that once you know better you do better is in personal relationships; I have often said, I wish I didn’t share this, or I wish I hadn’t done that, instead I have made the active choice to not continue to do those damaging things if I want a better outcome. And this blog post has made it more clear that it is a self-sabotaging habit to dwell on things you cannot change but to focus your energy and thoughts on enjoying your present and creating the future you want.
I understand the authors intent in this article, mostly because of my age and where I am in life. Wishing upon a star or making a wish on a candle really is for the youth or the romantics. The reality of life is wishing does nothing for one’s own situation. I agree that wishing shows the regret of someone’s life or acknowledgment of mistakes made, but just like New Years resolutions, wishing doesn’t change who someone is or their thought process.
I have learned to accept the outcome of situations, good or bad, and keep moving forward. Nothing will change the reality of the situation you find yourself in or the outcomes of decisions made. My career as a technician has made me focus on the facts at hand and what can proven to be fact and to filter out unhelpful thought processes.
We should also remember that our decisions are based on what we see happening at the moment. For instance, if you believe that a person is in a good mood, why shouldn’t you talk about something? Also, if you trust someone, why shouldn’t you break up with them? Staying up late is no harm if you believe that the next day will be routine. We do this all the time and we ask ourselves why did I make that decision or take me back to that moment so I could make a better choice. If you think that you are making a person happy, then why change the way that you treat them? If you are still happy with your job and have no idea how the company is doing financially, then why would you change positions? We tend to question everything we do in life and that is not living in the present.
It can be hard to remember the factors that contributed to our decisions, and the consequences of those decisions can sometimes make us feel very upset. We often try to find ways to avoid them by evaluating the information that has recently been presented to us. Unfortunately, this method often leads to us becoming stuck in the past and unable to make a change. I can see how living in the past is easy for us. I catch myself sometimes saying “If I only I had known” in situations that have already come and gone. Over and over again, I have been asked why I did something. The answers are often varied, and the goal is to find the reason behind my behavior. It’s important to reflect on our past actions, but wishing we could change our present does not help us learn from our mistakes. We can improve our chances of learning from our mistakes and improving our future intentions by moving from “I wish I were” to “I want to be.” When reading this change I instantly told myself that I would look at things on how I want them to be. By doing this I believe you can project what you want and could achieve it by mentally projecting it.
This blog’s message is so spot on. Even if we should undoubtedly learn from our past errors, we shouldn’t be overly concerned with them. Our future will be significantly better if we are able to learn from the past. Reflecting occasionally on the past and the reasons I made those adjustments helps me stay grounded so I can sustain a bright future. They say that history repeats itself, and that includes people. We live in a fast-paced world where it is normal to take things for granted. We also become preoccupied with attempting to balance our lives, but like anything else, if the scale slips too far one way, it will fall.
The message I received from this blog was to stop living in the past and begin to look toward the future. Far too many times as adults we look back on what we could have done differently, I know I do. I wish I started college sooner or even met my wife sooner so we could enjoy our time longer which leads to missing out on what we have in store for us in the future. The comment of a vehicle’s windshield being larger than the rearview mirror resonated with me and pushed me to change my way of thinking and start living in the now and not focus on what could’ve been.
I went through a long period of my life with the “if only” statements. My father passed away when I was 14, and I thought about the “if only” and “I wish” things all day, everyday. I went through years of bad decisions because I could not look towards a life in the future. Through reading your article I know now that I was “stuck in the I wish and had turned my back on the future”. I learned from the consequences of my actions how to behave the next time, but it came after years of wondering if I was worthy of the future dreams and wishes. Your article gives great insight into how our minds work and I firmly believe that in order to have a truly fulfilling life we must learn from past mistakes and incidents in our life. Take those lessons and use them in decisions that will be made tomorrow. The past cannot be changed but the future is full of endless possibilities.
This was areally great article. It shows how we tend to focus on our past, always on the “what if’s”, what we “should have’s” , the article is trying to teach us that we can not change the past, we need to focus on the future, we need to focus on what we can change, how we move on past the events so we do not make the same mistakes in the future.
I should be using this myself, when i get frustrated, I really tend to look only at what I have already did, what mistakes I made, I am constantly looking at the past, the events that alreday took place. I dont look to t the future, where i could change so I dont make the same mistakes again, when i get into the same situations in the future, I need to ensure my decisions are not the same decisions and same mistakes. That they are not the decisions I keep reflecting on that I wish I changed. It is good to reflect, to identify what mistakes were made, but you will need to focus on the futre. What was done in the past, it is done, it is not time to focus on the futere. This is a great artice to help us focus on the future and to leave the past in the past.
“if we get stuck in the wish that things could have been different and in searching for a way to change the past, we wind up turning our back on our future” this phrase really resonated with me. I have a tendency of thinking about the past and what I could have done differently instead of focusing in the present or the future. This article was very informative, and it brings light to something a lot of people like myself do without realizing it.
The advice the writer provided about whishing something that can come true instead of a list of past regrets is very accurate in both our work or personal life. In my work life sometimes I spend a lot of time thinking about what my life would be if I had chosen a different career path. After reading this article it makes me be more conscious about my wishes.
I think we’ve all had one of those moments where we wish we had done something different. What i’ve learned is being able to accept your choices will almost always make bad decisions easier to move on from. The reality is, understanding that not every choice is going to be right shouldn’t stop you from doing things. If everyone had all the answers the world still wouldn’t be perfect. There will always be a way things can go wrong. You just have to trust that things will eventually work themselves out.
Too often we are concerned with things that we should have done of that we wish we had done. Failures or disappointments of the past should be looked at as opportunities for learning and growth. When we live in the past we hold our future hostage. Turning those should have situations or wishes from the past into improvements for the future by changing the thought process to you needs or wants for the future can be a powerful tool in personal growth and development.