We all feel great after receiving a compliment. It makes us happy and, while we try to stay humble, we might have the urge to share the compliment with cherished family or friends. Compliments, after all, are affirmations of our worth.
Complaints or criticisms, however, rarely make us feel good about ourselves. When we hear one, often our first reaction is upset. Then we add some defensiveness. And for many of us, it ends there; however, we need to learn to work our way to wonder. Why did the person feel that way? What feedback can I get from this? Wonder, then, is the opening to growth.
I will share a recent example. I was teaching an Introduction to Psychology class on Zoom and was enjoying the interaction that had developed among the students. There was an active dialogue, with students sharing orally or in the chat. We were discussing an article about why boys often lose interest in academics. Then, the complaint. One of the students said, “Well, as a man, I can say that I want you to get to the point. Your stories just don’t hold my interest.”
My reaction: immediate upset. Thoughts included: I work so hard to make the material relevant and useful; that was rude; how does he expect me to respond to that accusation? Defensiveness was next. Thoughts included: I have incredible ratings on MyProfessor.com; I have won two awards for Excellence in Teaching, one a statewide award. Who was he to tell me how to teach?
But then, I encouraged myself to move to wonder. Thoughts included: I wonder what kinds of stories would hold his interest; I wonder how many weeks ago he lost interest; I wonder why he still comes to class; I wonder why he felt comfortable sharing his point of view. That was the opening.
Once I recognized that his comment was an invitation for me to engage in a meaningful conversation, the door to growth opened. I embraced the idea that he felt safe enough to criticize me in real time and I was then able to ask how he thought I could improve. We both grew from the exchange of ideas.
I know I’m not alone in my reaction to complaints or criticisms. They are, at their core, feedback. The problem is that so many of us do not know how to provide meaningful feedback. Compliments are easy feedback. The person simply has to tell us what we did right. A complaint or criticism requires that the person includes a suggestion for improvement; it requires that they tell us what they want/need us to do in the future.
Because most people tell us what they don’t want (the complaint) and forget to include what they do want, we tend to go into fight/flight mode, making our response less effective. The fix, however, is to go into “wonder mode”. When I did that, I was able to elicit the feedback I needed from the student. Wonder mode is much more effective that fight/flight mode. It allows us to think and to solve problems.
So, the next time you get some feedback that causes you to feel upset and defensive, try to add the “I wonder.” Say to your supervisor, “I wonder if you can suggest how I can handle that situation next time.” This is a statement that opens a door to growth. The next time your teacher grades an assignment as needs improvement, ask “I wonder if you could offer some advice about what I need to do to improve this grade going forward.” This is a statement that opens a door to growth. The next time your significant other makes a comment that you interpret as a cause for alarm about the health of your relationship ask, “I wonder if there is something I can do to make things better between us.” This is a statement that opens a door to growth, especially if your partner wonders the same.
A complaint is an opening. So, don’t fear it. Instead wonder about it and embrace the opportunity.
Category Archives: Worry
Discussing Real Matters – Zoom with Dr. Urban
When I’m Not Rushing, Feeling Guilty and Pulled in Every Direction…I Enjoy My Life
So many of us feel like we are always in survival mode, just moving about endlessly from one responsibility to the next, from one requirement to the next, from one obligation to the next. We don’t even have time to consider how we got to this place or what we can do to transition to a “workable” mode, or better yet a “thriving” mode.
Join me for an hour-long online discussion via Zoom at 7PM on Wednesday, February 16th. We will discuss why everything seems to be a priority, how to categorize our priorities more effectively, and how to enjoy our lives – at least a little bit – every day.
Register for the workshop here: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1QnKH2tRkVtGJ1ElfNbf-DcWYr9qR0RUIx0IrdKP-2j4/edit
The fee is $5.00 for one person; $10.00 for 2 or more, payable in advance via Venmo (@Diane-Urban-5) RSVP requested by 5PM on 2/14.
Name That Emotion
Name this emotion: a person’s heart is racing, their pupils are dilated, their perspiration is increased, and their digestion is stopped. Some of you might have named the emotion of anger. Some of you might have named the emotion of fear. Still others might have named the emotion of surprise.
Fascinatingly, every emotion we experience is based on the limited number of physiological responses listed above. In essence, emotions – whether “good” or “bad” – call our parasympathetic nervous system (our fight or flight response) into action. We have an extremely limited set of physiological responses for a wide array of emotional labels.
Emotions are, essentially, our subjective reaction to the physiological reactions of our pupils, heart rate, perspiration, and digestion. Then we add a twist of cognition.
We answer the question, “what do I think I am feeling?” For example, if we experience the symptoms listed above and see our friends shouting, “Happy Birthday” we generally call our primary emotion surprise and then add the emotion of happy. If we do not like such parties, we still might use the primary label of surprise, but add the emotion of anger.
In other words, we feel this limited set of biological events, we look around and appraise the situation, and then we apply the label. The label determines our subjective emotional experience. Based upon our interpretation of the surrounding events, we experience these physical events as pleasant or unpleasant. Interpreting emotions as pleasant, causes the body to return to homeostasis (back to its normal state) more quickly and, because we are not concerned with protecting ourselves from some threat (real or perceived), we use up fewer physiological resources.
What is even more interesting is that the label can be changed, and by changing the label, we have the power to change what we are experiencing.
This is extremely important when we consider how freely we use the words worry, anxiety, and fear. We use the words worry and anxiety when we are less sure of the reason of source of our concern; the concern is more amorphous. We use the word fear when there is a specific source. One psychologist, Todd Pressman, PhD, has suggested that all anxieties and worries can be categorized into five core fears: abandonment/aloneness, loss of identity, loss of meaning, loss of purpose, and fear of death.
What makes this interesting to me is the idea that if we label more things fear, rather than worry or anxiety, we actually increase the number of strategies we can use to resolve the situation. Let me stress again that all three labels are emotions and all three will, physiologically, result in the fight or flight response. But when we label the emotion as fear, we tend to either feel paralyzed (leaving the “field” emotionally) or we feel powerful and ready to “fight” this dreaded enemy. The focus on “fight” calls us to action and provides opportunities for successful resolution.
So, if we fear an exam, we can “take flight” by dropping the class or we can “fight” to succeed by reading, forming study groups, going for tutoring, etc. If we are anxious about our future if we fail an exam, we are paralyzed by the anticipation of all these potentially negative consequences. If we fear that if we fail this exam, our future will not be as good as we hoped, then we can make the preparations to guard ourselves from that outcome.
Each psychological perspective has a method for fighting our fears. Behaviorism advocates exposure therapy, which involves facing the fear. Once they face that fear, and once those fears are unsubstantiated, the person gains control over the fear. Psychoanalysis involves tracking the source of the fear to a childhood trauma, to a moment when our pursuit of pleasure/happiness was severely punished, an event that led one to fear similar abandonment in the present situation. Humanists examine fears through the lens of ideal/real self and use “should statements” as the clue to the discrepancy between those two parts of who we are. The fear, for them, is often that we will not be loved if show our true selves; we must always present the ideal – an impossible standard for anyone. We fear the conditions that must be met if we are to be loved by those important to us. Cognitive psychologists focus on the irrational aspects of our fears, pointing out to us that most of what we anticipate never happens. In fact, a study done by The University of Pennsylvania revealed that 95.1% of what the participants’ worried about/feared never happened.
That last fact is very powerful. I have encouraged many of my students and clients to write down their fears and to record if it actually happened. We then discuss whether the energy expended in the anticipation of the feared event was “worth it.”
Invariably, the answer is no. Ultimately, it helps them to recognize that the things we lump into worry/stress/fear reduce our resources. They keep our fight/flight system on alert for too long, depleting the ability for it to react when actually needed.
What they often find helpful is the idea that we can re-label those earlier emotions. We can be excited about the upcoming test/job interview/party. We can be joyful about the opportunity to demonstrate what we know. If/when things go wrong, then we can use any the techniques discussed above to fight our fear and resolve the situation.
I think we can sum it up by saying if we focus more on solutions than on the worry/anxiety/fear itself, we will gain control over it and use it to make our lives, and the lives of those we love, better.
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Discussing Real Matters – Zoom with Dr. Urban
MANAGING STRESS AND ANXIETY
If worry is so bad for us, why do we all do it? What value does it have? What is its relationship to stress? What do stress and worry do for us as individuals and as members of the collective of humankind?
Join me for an hour-long online discussion via Zoom at 7PM on Tuesday, March 16th. We will discuss various strategies for ensuring that we control stress and worry rather than allowing them to control us. Since children’s authors know how to put a humorous spin on human behavior, we will read about worry from the perspective of Owl Babies by Martin Waddell and explore the psychological treasures hidden within it.
The fee is $5.00 for one person; $10.00 for 2 or more, payable in advance via Venmo (@Diane-Urban-5) RSVP requested by 5PM on 3/14.
When you reply, please use the link below:
https://forms.gle/Ugizs82NV8p5Y4Jo7
On the bottom of the form please include your answers to the questions: What are the major stressors in your life? What are you most worried about? What are the major stressors in the lives of those you care about? Do you have a “go to” strategy for calming your worries?
If you are not familiar with Owl Babies, you can take a look at it via this links:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPQRiSTYFHo
Mindfulness in a Year When Mindfulness Seems Impossible – Zoom with Diane Urban
Mindfulness is a “mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations.” But who wants to focus on the present moment these days? Who is calm? Who can calmly acknowledge thoughts and feelings?
Mindfulness is a challenge in the best of times, but 2020 has brought the challenge to the Olympic level. This workshop is designed to explore the obstacles to mindfulness, how to clear the path to that goal, and, most importantly, it is designed to bring us all a little joy.
Join me for an hour long online discussion via Zoom at 7PM on Thursday, August 27th.
The fee is $5.00 for one; $10.00 for 2 or more, payable in advance via Venmo (@Diane-Urban-5)
Please RSVP here: https://forms.gle/6HQ8owueD2s9U8c86
Defending Your Mental Health During COVID-19
Re-opening has caused us all a bit of anxiety. Different rules in different areas, different comfort levels for people not only in the same geographical area, but even for people sharing the same home. So, I thought it would be fun to use the lens of Freudian defense mechanisms to explore how we are controlling our anxiety.
I tend to use intellectualization: I find out the facts and reassure myself that if I follow the suggestions to stay healthy, then I will stay healthy. Some people use denial: they continue their daily routines as if nothing is different. Statements that indicate the use of denial include “I don’t know anyone who got sick”, “It’s just like the flu”, and “The whole thing is a world-wide hoax.” Some use identification: repeating words spoken by political leaders as the basis of their actions. Identification is evidenced by statements such as, “I don’t know why you are over-reacting like this,” or “wearing a mask is for cowards.” Some identify with the scientific community and cite statistics about spikes in cases and statistics about first versus second wave of the pandemic.
Others use repression: they actually hear the news and then forget everything they hear. The combination of repression and denial is what I see when I witness public figures still shaking hands, touching microphones, or not wearing a mask. Some use regression: yelling, fighting, throwing tantrums at the store and in their homes. Some use reaction formation: acting the opposite of how they really feel. I imagine many front line health workers are using that defense mechanism.
Sadly, some are using displacement, diverting their anger from the source to a different target (usually a weaker one). So, they are yelling at significant others, children, strangers because they want to yell at the virus and make it stay far away from themselves and those they care about.
Whatever mechanisms you are using to ease your anxiety, try to be kind to yourself and others. We need each other right now.
Memory Lane
While social distancing has provided us with numerous reasons to be anxious, it’s also giving many of us much more time with our family and friends. Whether we are connecting with them via phone, text, or physically spending all day with them, we are all looking for things to talk about (besides the elephant in the room, that is). Many of us have blown the dust off our board games, started puzzles, or reached in the corners of our play cabinets for arts and crafts supplies. But, I have an activity that only requires pen and paper and will not only prove to be fun, but help us strengthen the connections we are so desperately missing.
I like to call this activity Memory Lane. I developed it some time ago to help my students understand memory processes better. Even though it’s technically a “school” activity, it’s one my students always enjoyed and is fun for the whole family! It gives us all a chance not only to share memories, but to connect with each other and learn new perspectives.
Here are the directions:
- Create a visual map or diagram that depicts the path you take in recalling a specific memory. Make sure it is a memory you think you share with someone else. It must be written out.
For example, when I think about my daughter’s first day of kindergarten, I start with a picture of her at age 5 in my mind. Then I add my husband who was there too, and then the other children at the bus stop. From there, I remember how the bus was late, feeling very upset, leaving to go teach my first class of the semester, and then to her waving goodbye to me. Suddenly, I see her leaving for college. Then I see her first day as a teacher.
- Next, go to the other person who shares this memory with you. Ask them, “What do you remember about this event?” Either ask them to write out their path for that memory or you do it as they tell you what they remember (Make sure you do not interrupt them while they recalling the event).
- Finally, share your memory with them. You might be surprised how different your memories are.
For example, when I asked my husband what he remembered about our daughter’s first day of kindergarten, he responded “She was excited about wearing a dress with pockets. After you left, we sat in beach chairs waiting for the bus; it was so late! She had such a big smile when she sat by the window and waved goodbye. Hard to believe she is grown now and that was so long ago. She is teaching now. Doesn’t seem possible.”
Ultimately, the goal is for the two (or more of you) to talk about the similarities and differences in your memories. How similar/different were they? What do you think accounts for the similarities/differences?
Most students feel this exercise makes the memory more whole; they learn that an event can be special to people, but that what makes it special can be very different.
At this moment in time, we are all concerned about loss; this is a wonderful way to focus on what will always bind us to our friends and family – love, concern, and memories.