Category Archives: Change

Either Or Thinking

Categorization, Change, Psychology, Relationships, Sociology, Uncategorized

I cannot help but wonder why either-or, yes-no, take it-leave it thinking is so popular.  What makes delving into the shades of gray, the nuances of a position, unattractive?

I’m sure some of the preference relates to survival.  Certainty increases the probability of our survival.  If we know that something is poisonous, then eating it (yes) versus not eating it (no) becomes a clear choice; survival is improved by a no response.

Survival, however, also requires curiosity.  Survival requires us to explore the uncertainty of the world around us.  Babies pick up objects and put them in their mouth.  Children ask a parent for a treat and, regardless of the answer, will ask the other parent the same question.  They are curious about what kinds of questions get a yes from both parents, what kinds of questions get a no from both parents, and what kinds of questions get the crucial yes/no response.  The final outcome, a different response from each parent, allows the uncertainty to become an opportunity.  With further “experiments,” the child learns to predict under what circumstances each parent is more likely to support their request.

Part of the assessment process for entering kindergarten is listening skills.  This includes the ability to wait until someone is finished speaking before you add to the conversation.  This is, in “fact” important in a conversation, but so is enthusiasm.  So, if a teacher is reading a story and a child wants to interject about their experience with something in the story, why do we consider that “poor listening”?  Isn’t it really poor impulse control or poor memory (fear they will forget what they wanted to say) or something positive (like involvement in learning)?  In elementary school, we have them take multiple choice tests to prove that they have read a book.  Why is it more important to know what the first obstacle for the Pokey Little Puppy was than it is to discuss that sometimes we are as pokey as that puppy and sometimes what we discover while being pokey is super interesting?  Why has reading for facts become more important than reading to discuss shared human emotions?  Why do we teach children a particular way to solve a math problem and make them think any other way is “wrong” when, in fact there are multiple ways to solve the same problem.  Division may be faster than subtraction, but the end result is the same.

As adults, we take these lessons and apply them to our social lives.  If our significant other hurts our feelings, they are “bad”.  The either/or thinking – apologize or risk losing the relationship– kicks in.  Our focus become this one “fact” within the storyand, based on that one fact there is one right answer: apologize.  If we are curious, we will ask why they said that hurtful thing, or we will ask ourselves what we did to provoke that hurtful comment.  

We could certainly apply this to situations in our larger community.  Rather than asking does climate change exist (yes/no), wouldn’t it be more productive to ask what evidence supports/contradicts it?  Isn’t it important to consider the possibilities and uncertainties involved in action or inaction in this area?  Similarly, vaccines are better thought of in terms of the benefits/risks rather than either/or.  Food choices do not need to be meat-eater or vegan; there are options in between.  We don’t need to hate or love others; we can choose to tolerate them – or better yet, we can choose to try to understand them.

I wonder what the world would be like if we embraced the quest for curiosity and possibility rather than the quest for the one correct answer, for the “fact,”.  Imagine the meaningful solutions that could be generated.

A Complaint Is An Opening

Anxiety, Categorization, Change, Differences, Emotion, Intimacy, Psychology, Relationships, Sociology, Uncategorized, Work-Life Balance, Worry, , , ,

We all feel great after receiving a compliment. It makes us happy and, while we try to stay humble, we might have the urge to share the compliment with cherished family or friends. Compliments, after all, are affirmations of our worth.

Complaints or criticisms, however, rarely make us feel good about ourselves. When we hear one, often our first reaction is upset. Then we add some defensiveness. And for many of us, it ends there; however, we need to learn to work our way to wonder. Why did the person feel that way? What feedback can I get from this? Wonder, then, is the opening to growth.

I will share a recent example. I was teaching an Introduction to Psychology class on Zoom and was enjoying the interaction that had developed among the students. There was an active dialogue, with students sharing orally or in the chat. We were discussing an article about why boys often lose interest in academics. Then, the complaint. One of the students said, “Well, as a man, I can say that I want you to get to the point. Your stories just don’t hold my interest.”

My reaction: immediate upset. Thoughts included: I work so hard to make the material relevant and useful; that was rude; how does he expect me to respond to that accusation? Defensiveness was next. Thoughts included: I have incredible ratings on MyProfessor.com; I have won two awards for Excellence in Teaching, one a statewide award. Who was he to tell me how to teach?

But then, I encouraged myself to move to wonder. Thoughts included: I wonder what kinds of stories would hold his interest; I wonder how many weeks ago he lost interest; I wonder why he still comes to class; I wonder why he felt comfortable sharing his point of view. That was the opening.

Once I recognized that his comment was an invitation for me to engage in a meaningful conversation, the door to growth opened. I embraced the idea that he felt safe enough to criticize me in real time and I was then able to ask how he thought I could improve. We both grew from the exchange of ideas.

I know I’m not alone in my reaction to complaints or criticisms. They are, at their core, feedback. The problem is that so many of us do not know how to provide meaningful feedback. Compliments are easy feedback. The person simply has to tell us what we did right. A complaint or criticism requires that the person includes a suggestion for improvement; it requires that they tell us what they want/need us to do in the future.

Because most people tell us what they don’t want (the complaint) and forget to include what they do want, we tend to go into fight/flight mode, making our response less effective. The fix, however, is to go into “wonder mode”. When I did that, I was able to elicit the feedback I needed from the student. Wonder mode is much more effective that fight/flight mode. It allows us to think and to solve problems.

So, the next time you get some feedback that causes you to feel upset and defensive, try to add the “I wonder.” Say to your supervisor, “I wonder if you can suggest how I can handle that situation next time.” This is a statement that opens a door to growth. The next time your teacher grades an assignment as needs improvement, ask “I wonder if you could offer some advice about what I need to do to improve this grade going forward.” This is a statement that opens a door to growth. The next time your significant other makes a comment that you interpret as a cause for alarm about the health of your relationship ask, “I wonder if there is something I can do to make things better between us.” This is a statement that opens a door to growth, especially if your partner wonders the same.

A complaint is an opening. So, don’t fear it. Instead wonder about it and embrace the opportunity.

Discussing Real Matters – Zoom with Dr. Urban

Anxiety, Change, Emotion, Intimacy, Psychology, Relationships, Uncategorized, Work-Life Balance, Worry

When I’m Not Rushing, Feeling Guilty and Pulled in Every Direction…I Enjoy My Life

So many of us feel like we are always in survival mode, just moving about endlessly from one responsibility to the next, from one requirement to the next, from one obligation to the next. We don’t even have time to consider how we got to this place or what we can do to transition to a “workable” mode, or better yet a “thriving” mode.

Join me for an hour-long online discussion via Zoom at 7PM on Wednesday, February 16th. We will discuss why everything seems to be a priority, how to categorize our priorities more effectively, and how to enjoy our lives – at least a little bit – every day.

Register for the workshop here: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1QnKH2tRkVtGJ1ElfNbf-DcWYr9qR0RUIx0IrdKP-2j4/edit

The fee is $5.00 for one person; $10.00 for 2 or more, payable in advance via Venmo (@Diane-Urban-5) RSVP requested by 5PM on 2/14.

Shifting Categories

Categorization, Change, Differences, Psychology, Relationships, Sociology, Uncategorized

If you recall the movie Bambi, there is that wonderful scene where he is learning words and goes through bird, butterfly, flower…and Flower the Skunk.  It is an excellent example of categorization because it demonstrates how categories allow us to quickly organize our experiences and choose responses based on that categorization.  We respond differently to birds than we do to skunks.  It also demonstrates the flexibility of categorization and how items can shift from one category to another.  A skunk is suddenly a flower and we start to wonder if a skunk can be more than a potential smelly danger.

The importance of categorization is one of my favorite topics in psychology.  I love engaging with my students as we discuss the importance of prototypes (the best example of a category) and how they provide the basis for inclusion and exclusion in a category. 

For example, if you show your child a penguin and say “bird,” you are correct (because penguins are birds); however, your child will not find other birds to add to the category (because penguins don’t fly, for example).  If you show them a Great Dane and say “dog”, they won’t find many dogs to add to the category because a Great Dane is a very unusual dog.  It is better to show them a mutt (a combination of many dogs) as the prototype because it allows them to compare many breeds to the prototype and include them in the category.  It also allows them to correctly exclude ponies from the dog category. 

Categories are also quite flexible; we can shift items within categories and among categories.  For example, take the category of chairs.  There are many different kinds of chairs within the category: kitchen chair, dining room chair, lawn chair, beach chair, office chair, rocking chair, and so on.  Although a chair is something we sit in, we can shift it to other categories. When we use it to climb on, we shift it a stepstool or ladder category.  When we sleep in a chair, we shift it to the category of bed.  When I consider how we do this all day long, paying very little attention to how we shift our thinking and the behaviors allowed by that thinking, it never ceases to amaze me how much babies and children are absorbing about the world as they learn each new word and the ideas those words represent.

While categories are important when teaching babies and children about their world, they also play an important role in how adults shape their thinking.

Let us start with the category of dog – a great example of a category which has shifted over time.  Dogs belong in the category of animal and the subcategory of domesticated animals.  Most domesticated animals sleep outside; years ago a doghouse, a shelter outside for a dog, was a common feature.  If a dog slept inside, it slept in a room alone on the floor, with a towel or blanket as bedding.  Today, though, dogs wear clothes.  Dogs have special bakeries.  There are restaurants that have dog amenities included.  Dogs sleep in bed with their owners.  Dogs have carriages so they don’t have to walk. We put dogs in foster homes. We adopt dogs. Dogs are referred to as family members.  In other words, we have shifted dogs to the human category of family.  This reveals a shift in our thinking and behavior.

Strikingly, we have also shifted some humans to the category of animals over the past several years.  By doing so, it also allows certain behaviors from society to be considered acceptable.  For example, politicians have called some immigrant groups animals; this allows us to put these people in cages and separate them from their young.  We call people who have committed crimes “animals”, allowing us to focus on punishment without considering the need for rehabilitation or treatment of any kind.  It allows us to keep them in cages.  The homeless are often invisible to us while they sleep on the street, in the cold, the heat, the rain, without any shelter.  It is not the shift from dog as animal to dog as family that troubles me.  However, it is important to consider the consequence of shifting a human to the category of animal.

We cannot eliminate categorization, nor can we eliminate the shifting of categories.  In fact, we are doing these shifts hundreds of times a day.  Under certain conditions, a table can shift from the category of something to place our food on to a category of something to sit on.  The assumptions satisfying that movement might include that the table is sturdy enough to support someone’s weight.  Assumptions that would prevent the shift might include the fact that the table would collapse if someone sat on it.  We don’t need to reflect on these category shifts because the consequences of the movement are minimal.  However, when we shift people into different categories, the consequences, as we have seen can be significant.  

Thoughts on Systemic Racism

Change, Differences, Education, Equality, Fear, Hate, Psychology, Relationships, Sociology, Uncategorized, Violence,

After reading an article entitled Listening to Killers (https://www.apa.org/monitor/2016/02/killers) by Rebecca Clay (Monitor on Psychology, Feb. 2016), a student wrote this reflection about addressing violent crime and the violence of racism.  His words deepened my understanding – so much so that I wanted to share his insights with a wider audience.

A Reflection on Listening to Killers by James Liverman

The article discussed young people committing murder. It talked of their environment as a cause of their moral depravity, as well as parental abandonment. It didn’t specifically state this fact, but I believe a lot of those killers are Black and Brown people. The author says, “The general public tends to view murderers as absolutely evil persons or people so damaged; they can’t possibly live among us. But most killers are untreated traumatized children who are controlling the actions of the scary adults they have become.”

I believe that society is also the cause and the reason these young people kill.

They come from descendants that were held in captivity and forced to witness some of the most horrific punishment – punishment that you or I can’t even begin to imagine. Punishment only limited by the imagination of the slave owners trying to instill in a people the cost of running away or thinking of being a human being.

In addition, “breeding” occurred where the children or offspring were taken at birth and sold. The father went from one stall to the next to impregnate a female or “wench” as they were called. The family unit wasn’t allowed to exist by SOCIETY. Those parental bonds were taken away by the society of the time.  Fast forward to today and it is called “parental abandonment.”

This thinking – the slavery, the punishment, the breeding – occurred less than one hundred and fifty years ago, and then, hundreds of thousands of uneducated people (people who weren’t allowed to be educated) were released in a land to fend for themselves: “The Emancipation Proclamation”.

So, the trauma happened, I believe when they were born in America’s society as Black and Brown people. The existing system or society was not designed for them. So, the systemic or institutional racism became a weapon of war against them, hence the warzones they were born into. Police departments around the country are more than able to stem the violence in all neighborhoods assigned to that precinct, one would imagine, so how are the ghettos or warzones, as the article states, allowed to fester?

I believe that the Black and Brown people inherited trauma; their aggression is normalized on television every night: kill or be killed. Their parents’ vocabulary, the same as any parents’ vocabulary of love and staying safe, may be less than a thousand words while society’s vocabulary is two-hundred thousand by their teen years. They never leave the “warzone”, so life has no value to them.

Dr. Garbarino’s work is amazing; he has dedicated his life to studying how America’s oppression can rear such seemingly dehumanized individuals. He relates this to their disappearing family upbringing. More importantly, he relates it to the experience of growing up in a warzone “with high community violence, gangs, chronic threats and stress.” This environment consists of living to be 21 and getting paid by vehicles other than a welfare system that’s built on the principle that this is their “right of passage”. Could he himself be suffering from “institutional racism”, though?

He then answers whether these murderers can be rehabilitated or cured for lack of a better word. After being incarcerated in “cages” for more than 10, 15, 20 years or so, they live in Rome and do as the Romans do. Some take advantage of the wisdom that comes from the older prisoners who have matured in a “cage”. What’s the parole board like in a society that’s the cause of your incarceration? Is it the systemic racism washed from that parole board that allows the victim’s family to spew their hatred for you, and use that as a determining factor in whether you are released or denied parole or release?

These are just my thoughts on the matter. I’m not a psychologist; however, I believe sentencing juveniles to life terms and changing the laws so that they could be sentenced that way is unconstitutional and criminal. If they were given the resources to become educated and teachable, a lot of people who are given time away from a “traumatic” or “unhealthy” background, would be capable of becoming a functioning member of American society.

Work-Life Balance

Change, Psychology, Relationships, Sociology, Uncategorized, Work-Life Balance, , ,

Every time I hear the term “work-life balance”, I picture a seesaw with work on one side and all the rest of life on the other.  We accept this concept as a reality, as a given.  We suggest that accepting this “fact” is a sign of maturity and adulthood.

But, to me it is such an unbalanced concept.  It is telling us that work is separate from life, not an integrated part of it.  It means work is the priority and everything else must be prioritized on the life side – one’s significant other, siblings, parents, friends, hobbies, and chores, sleep – everything else has to be prioritized on the “life” side.  In other words, work gets 50% and all the rest of life gets the other 50%.

I cannot see how it is possible to actually balance all of life into the hours allocated to it.  For example, if you are lucky enough to have a ten-hour workday (two hour commute, lunch, seven hours of work), then you are left with 14 hours for everything else.  If you follow the recommendations of health professionals then you need eight hours for sleep, leaving six hours one’s significant other, siblings, parents, friends, hobbies, and chores (food shopping, laundry, exercising).  Let’s face it, for most of us, “life” time is further curtailed by our constant connection to work, where we are expected to check our emails/texts from our employer or, as salaried employees, we are expected to bring work home with us (literally or emotionally).  Clearly, that imbalance is what is causing frustration, dissatisfaction, and stress in our relationships. 

I often wonder why we consider work separate from life rather than a part of it. Perhaps sociologists are right and that work has created such alienation that we no longer feel connected to it.  This seems like a reasonable explanation of why we accept the idea that there is work and there is the rest of life. 

Is this the best way for us to think about our day, though?

What if the term were changed to life-work balance? What would our lives look like then?  I won’t list out what I think it would look like; but I do hope you take a moment to fantasize about it.

What if it were simply life balance?  What if we placed life in the center of the seesaw and we were able to rearrange the parts on a daily basis giving priority where it felt right/needed/ genuine? 

I hope you are fantasizing about what life would look like if life were at the center and work was simply one of the priorities we had.  That seems so much healthier to me.

Categories determine the way we think about the world.  Perhaps it is time to change the way we categorize work-life.  I certainly think it is.

Changes in Direction

Change, Differences, Education, Parenting, Psychology, Relationships, Uncategorized, ,

I have spoken at many PTA meetings and it is always my routine to get there early so I can connect with the audience before the talk begins.  I often get to listen in on the executive committee meetings that precede these talks.  On one particular occasion, the committee was discussing purchasing planners for the elementary school children and they were emphasizing that the planners needed to have an area for daily, weekly, and monthly goals so the children could learn to work toward long-term career goals.

I remember thinking “why?”  Why must 5 year olds learn to document the steps they must take to reach a goal? I mean, I do understand that they must learn to make a commitment, to learn follow-through, and to keep a promise.  But, they must also learn that it is important to learn to zig-zag a little, to find a new way to a goal or to find a new goal all together.  In essence, it is important to learn it’s okay to change direction – in our goals, in our relationships, and in our careers.

There is ample evidence that people are somewhat programmed to “stay the path”.  Gestalt psychologists demonstrated the principle of continuity.  In terms of vision, it refers to the tendency to perceive an object based on the least number of changes in direction.  For example, it is easier to see “X” as two intersecting lines than to see it as two “Vs”, one on top of the other (four changes in direction) or four open-ended triangles.  All of those are possible, but two lines – the fewest possible changes in direction – are the easiest to see. 

As a principle of social psychology, continuity refers to not changing your mind about something or someone.  In general, it takes us about 20 seconds to form an opinion of someone; after that, we tend to seek evidence that confirms our initial opinion.  We can change our minds, of course, but it takes a considerable amount of disconfirming evidence for us to do so. 

If our first impression is that someone is nice, and then they do something hurtful, we tend to make an excuse for their behavior.  We will say, “everyone messes up sometimes,” or “I’m sure they didn’t mean it.”  If, however, our first impression is that someone is not a good person and they do something nice, we will often look at that act as a manipulation of some kind.  We will say things like, “I’m sure they had an ulterior motive for doing that.”

Continuity, as one can see from these examples, can impact our relationships.  We might stay in a relationship too long because we cannot change our mind; we cannot accept the disconfirming evidence coming our way.  We might continue to treat our children as, well, children, rather than as the adults they have become.  We might treat our parents as self-sufficient when they have, in fact, become frail with age.  We might miss opportunities to allow our relationship to grow because we do not see the changes that our significant other is experiencing.  Our experiences (school, work, travel, people we meet) change us every day; unfortunately, continuity can blind us to seeing those changes in ourselves or in others. 

Continuity might also prevent us from changing our career path.  Which brings us back to that PTA meeting.  Some of the adults were very concerned that children learn to set realistic goals.  They did not want them to pursue goals such as becoming a princess or a Ninja Turtle or a singer or a ballerina.  The adults, of course, were looking at the job market.  I hear those same arguments on the larger societal level where colleges are considering dropping majors in history, philosophy, and many social sciences because the job market in those areas are not as robust as in STEM programs. 

While this is true, it is also true that many great accomplishments come from the passionate person who pursues a dream, regardless of the odds against achieving it.  Sometimes it is the zig-zag of life that allows disparate experiences to gel into a unique niche within a career.  Perhaps the child who wants to be a princess becomes a leader in industry.  Perhaps the Ninja Turtle becomes a Marine or a law enforcement person, or a firefighter.  Perhaps the singer becomes a mathematician who works with the fractions that were once musical notes.  Perhaps it is the switching between and among dreams that lets us find the one that will bring meaning to our lives.

So many students in my classes tell me that they cannot change their career plans.  They have invested too much money and time into the goal.  They are already unhappy with the choice, but they continue in the pursuit.  I hear couples in a relationship saying they are already 30 so starting over with someone else is not possible.  I hear older people saying they have lived somewhere “forever” and that if they move, they will become disoriented.  I hear young children say they will “never” be good in school. 

What seems true to me is that whenever you feel like you are walking in quicksand, when each step you take requires more energy than you have, that is when it is time to consider changing direction.  It is time to consider that the other path might be the “right” one for you, the one that allows you to step lightly and feel enthusiasm.  It is not a sign of failure to change direction; it is sign that you are open-minded enough to consider all of the evidence (confirming and disconfirming) and brave enough to begin anew.