I have spoken at many PTA meetings and it is always my routine to get there early so I can connect with the audience before the talk begins. I often get to listen in on the executive committee meetings that precede these talks. On one particular occasion, the committee was discussing purchasing planners for the elementary school children and they were emphasizing that the planners needed to have an area for daily, weekly, and monthly goals so the children could learn to work toward long-term career goals.
I remember thinking “why?” Why must 5 year olds learn to document the steps they must take to reach a goal? I mean, I do understand that they must learn to make a commitment, to learn follow-through, and to keep a promise. But, they must also learn that it is important to learn to zig-zag a little, to find a new way to a goal or to find a new goal all together. In essence, it is important to learn it’s okay to change direction – in our goals, in our relationships, and in our careers.
There is ample evidence that people are somewhat programmed to “stay the path”. Gestalt psychologists demonstrated the principle of continuity. In terms of vision, it refers to the tendency to perceive an object based on the least number of changes in direction. For example, it is easier to see “X” as two intersecting lines than to see it as two “Vs”, one on top of the other (four changes in direction) or four open-ended triangles. All of those are possible, but two lines – the fewest possible changes in direction – are the easiest to see.
As a principle of social psychology, continuity refers to not changing your mind about something or someone. In general, it takes us about 20 seconds to form an opinion of someone; after that, we tend to seek evidence that confirms our initial opinion. We can change our minds, of course, but it takes a considerable amount of disconfirming evidence for us to do so.
If our first impression is that someone is nice, and then they do something hurtful, we tend to make an excuse for their behavior. We will say, “everyone messes up sometimes,” or “I’m sure they didn’t mean it.” If, however, our first impression is that someone is not a good person and they do something nice, we will often look at that act as a manipulation of some kind. We will say things like, “I’m sure they had an ulterior motive for doing that.”
Continuity, as one can see from these examples, can impact our relationships. We might stay in a relationship too long because we cannot change our mind; we cannot accept the disconfirming evidence coming our way. We might continue to treat our children as, well, children, rather than as the adults they have become. We might treat our parents as self-sufficient when they have, in fact, become frail with age. We might miss opportunities to allow our relationship to grow because we do not see the changes that our significant other is experiencing. Our experiences (school, work, travel, people we meet) change us every day; unfortunately, continuity can blind us to seeing those changes in ourselves or in others.
Continuity might also prevent us from changing our career path. Which brings us back to that PTA meeting. Some of the adults were very concerned that children learn to set realistic goals. They did not want them to pursue goals such as becoming a princess or a Ninja Turtle or a singer or a ballerina. The adults, of course, were looking at the job market. I hear those same arguments on the larger societal level where colleges are considering dropping majors in history, philosophy, and many social sciences because the job market in those areas are not as robust as in STEM programs.
While this is true, it is also true that many great accomplishments come from the passionate person who pursues a dream, regardless of the odds against achieving it. Sometimes it is the zig-zag of life that allows disparate experiences to gel into a unique niche within a career. Perhaps the child who wants to be a princess becomes a leader in industry. Perhaps the Ninja Turtle becomes a Marine or a law enforcement person, or a firefighter. Perhaps the singer becomes a mathematician who works with the fractions that were once musical notes. Perhaps it is the switching between and among dreams that lets us find the one that will bring meaning to our lives.
So many students in my classes tell me that they cannot change their career plans. They have invested too much money and time into the goal. They are already unhappy with the choice, but they continue in the pursuit. I hear couples in a relationship saying they are already 30 so starting over with someone else is not possible. I hear older people saying they have lived somewhere “forever” and that if they move, they will become disoriented. I hear young children say they will “never” be good in school.
What seems true to me is that whenever you feel like you are walking in quicksand, when each step you take requires more energy than you have, that is when it is time to consider changing direction. It is time to consider that the other path might be the “right” one for you, the one that allows you to step lightly and feel enthusiasm. It is not a sign of failure to change direction; it is sign that you are open-minded enough to consider all of the evidence (confirming and disconfirming) and brave enough to begin anew.
I want to thank you for your beautiful article on change.
This subject has special meaning for me as I see the subject of “change” in the context of Jimmy’s death.
Two years after Jimmy’s death, I now understand that he must have been terrified at the thought of changing his addicted life for one of sobriety. Jimmy was 32 when he died, and I can honestly say that he had been fighting addiction for at least half of his life.
I wish I had understood, while he was alive, how AFRAID he must have been to change to change his life. He became entrenched in his drug addiction.
If anyone out there is dealing with a family member or a friend who is struggling with the disease of addiction or alcoholism, please try to remember how terrified your loved ones are at the thought of change- even if this change can save their lives. I didn’t understand it when my son was alive and I so wish I had understood this , I can not tell you.
I had read this post so many times, that I lost count. I wanted to leave a comment since the first day I checked this page; for some reason it is so hard for me to come up with the right words to express my thoughts in relation to this subject. This article hit the nail on the head; I seen people on this kind of situations, even myself, so many times that its perceived as normal. What I find interesting, is that being brave to do the right thing for you, to change your path in life, in your job or love life is the part that is uncommon. In my situation, I can say that I had stay in a relationship when I knew that it wasn’t the right person for me, at some point we grew apart and it wasn’t what I wanted anymore, but we had so many years together, that I was scare of leaving and starting from scratch. Eventually I made the necessary moves and headed in another direction; it was one of the best things I ever did, I felt free and empowered. That was a big step in my life and after that it became easier for me to keep an open mind about life paths. We are so used to keep following the norms, what others do or what society has set, that when life happens and we divert of that path, we feel lost, vulnerable and even like we had fail somehow; we need to retrain our mind set, knowing that life happens and that’s ok. The message that I take from this article, is not just that we must keep an open mind for changes, but also that is not about the goal, but the journey. We must learn to be able to adapt to different circumstances and be able to handle it in the best way possible, at that moment.
When it comes to the subject of “change” it scares me because it makes me think every decision I have made up until that point was the wrong choice. For example , at the beginning of the yr my mind was so set on being a criminal justice major. I got into countless arguments with my mom because she did agree that it was a practical major. It wasn’t until a couple of weeks ago where I sat down and really thought if this is a direction I am happy with. Little did I know I wasn’t. Of course , I am taking the civil service exams still but long term the criminal justice degree I was going for can’t really get me far. So I did some soul searching and for the longest time I wanted to somehow get into the WWE. Not as a wrestler obviously but as some type of corporate position. I know people that work for them and when I was younger I would ask all these questions about what degrees they went to school for and what department they’re in. WWE has been the biggest consistent thing I had and still currently have in my life. From the day I was born and I really mean the day I was born because I can remember watching and going to all these different wrestling events and meet and greets from as early as first grade. Going to all these events would bring the biggest smile to my face. So I took it upon myself to do a little research and on WWE job listings and I saw they have marketing positions and I remembered the person I know works in marketing and for all the big events like Wrestlemania and Summerslam she gets to travel with them to help out with meet and greets and help make sure the events run smoothly and successfully. As of a couple of weeks ago I changed my major to marketing (AS). Even though I am going to be a whole semester behind it is worth it because I will be happy with my end goal. After WCC I plan to go to a 4-year college to get the highest degree. Try to move up to marketing at my current job. So at least by the time I apply for WWE I will have a few years of experience under my belt. Also , I looked at the requirements WWE wants for marketing so I have planned everything so I will be the exact person they’re looking for.
I matured into change as a better option than being a constant in an ever changing world. Before considering change, I would consider what it do to others, or how it would affect them, never considering the pain I was experiencing or the time I was losing in my own life. I took a step out of the world and into my own head, in my head was a life that I actually wanted to live, I no longer wanted to be like the status quo, I wanted to be a person, I wanted to live in a time when people helped one another, no longer competing, just living and getting along. My first step was to remove the catalyst: alcohol, weed, you know the variables that made you “cool”, then I had to relearn being a human or neighbor I should say, and from that point on my journey consisted of how I perceived life, not how I thought life wanted me to perceive it. I could go on and on, but I will end here with change is clearing all the noise out of the only head you have and proceeding with the amazing life you were giving.