Although we often think of the summer as wedding season, weddings are wonderful in any season of the year.  They are wonderful because they represent love, optimism, and new beginnings.

It seems to me, however, that far too often those very things a wedding represents are lost within the stress of planning for the day itself.  At first, it seems magical.  You are planning a day to celebrate your love.  Then the details begin.  How will you celebrate it?  Where will you celebrate it?  How many guests will you invite?  Where and with whom will you seat those guests?  How much will it all cost?  Who will pay for it? Will you “make it back” in gifts from your guests?  Will it rain/snow/be hot and humid on the day?  Will everything be on schedule? 

How can we avoid the stress and embrace the love, optimism, and sense of new beginnings?   The answer rests, in part, in making sure we are solving the right “problem.”  I know problem does not sound like the right word, but problems are simply situations that must be dealt with.  In psychology, we think of problems as anything that requires us to figure out how to achieve our goal.  So, what is the goal? 

Let me digress for a moment.  It is important to understand the steps in solving a problem so we can then apply it to the problem at hand: weddings.  The key to solving any problem is problem representation – to know what the problem actually is.  To ensure that we know what the problem is, we must define it as broadly as possible, determine what category or categories it fits, and then check our assumptions.

So, let’s begin. 

How can we define the problem of a wedding more broadly?  Perhaps, instead of thinking of it as planning for one day, we think of it as planning for a marriage.  By thinking of it as the start of a marriage, the focus remains on the celebration of the creation of a union, the joining of a couple.  However, now the couple can also consider how they want to establish their united role within their extended family and friendship groups.  Rather than stressing over who to invite or where they will sit, the question becomes how these different groups will be involved in their lives going forward.

Expanding the definition of the problem impacts the categories as well.  Categories for a wedding, or a marriage, include the big three – person, place, or thing.  What those categories include, however, may be different if we are considering the day or the marriage.  When we think wedding day and people, we think the couple, officiant, immediate and extended families, friends, DJ, caterers/servers, photographer, and videographer.  When we think marriage, we think of the couple, immediate and extended families and friends, but we eliminate the others (DJ, caterers/servers, photographer, and videographer).  When we think wedding day and place, we think of a specific location for a specific party.  When we think of marriage and place, we think of where they will live and how that environment will impact their daily lives and happiness.  When we think of the wedding day and things, we think of the cost (for everything), when we think of the marriage, we think about how those costs for one day might impact the ability to achieve our bigger dreams, whatever they might be (a bigger apartment, a home, a family). 

After we expand the problem and consider the categories, we next need to actually check our assumptions.  For example, if we assume that if we exclude someone from the guest list they will be hurt and stop talking to us, we need to check that by asking the person.  I know that sounds risky, but the risk is minimized by the words we use to explain our decision: “We wish we could invite you to be part of our wedding day. Unfortunately, we could not include everyone who has been important to us and who will continue to be important to us.  Please know you will be with us in our hearts; we have every intention to keep you in the more important place in our lives – in our marriage, our lifetime.”  If someone who receives this note chooses to be angry, perhaps that is a different problem that needs to be solved.  The original problem was not how you were going to make others happy.  The original problem was how you were going to celebrate love, optimism, and new beginnings.

If we assume that “everyone” has a big wedding and they expect us to as well, then we need to check that assumption.  It is clear that not everyone has a big wedding.  The more important assumption to check is what the couple considers the key elements of a wedding day to be.  What do they want to remember about that day?  What they wore? The flowers? The way they looked at each other? The vows they made? The love they shared with family and friends? The food? The drinks? The music? The location?

As you outline what you want to remember about the day, it moves the focus from the day to the marriage.  It includes the magical part of being special and surrounded by love.  It includes feeling joy and sharing that joy with others.  It includes recognizing that the people who will remain in your life as a part of your marriage are those who understand the difficult decisions involved in planning a wedding day. 

In reality, the only requirements for a wedding day are a couple and an officiant.  The rest is optional.  So, enjoy solving the problem of how you will celebrate your love, optimism, and new beginnings.  Celebrate your unity, your marriage, your lifetime.

“Marriage is like watching the color of leaves in the fall; ever changing and more stunningly beautiful with each passing day.” ~ Fawn Weaver

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