Category Archives: Holiday

Creating the Best Possible Holidays: The Final Challenge of 2020

COVID-19, Holiday, Psychology, Relationships

Last week, we gathered virtually to discuss what we love most about the holidays, what is stressful about this year’s holidays, and what we can do to make them as enjoyable as ever – even though they may look different.  After connecting and brainstorming with others, we all felt more energized and optimistic about the holidays!  Here is a brief summary of what we discussed:

We have been taught to be ashamed of daydreaming – taught it is a waste of our time – but really, it is a tool for assessing optimism, creativity, and intellectual potential.  Daydreams are a momentary escape from reality.  All psychologists listen to daydreams because they help us assess a person’s intellectual capacity (level of complexity and abstractness of daydream), creativity (new stories/endings/plot twists), and, most importantly, the person’s optimism.  They should, therefore, take us somewhere fun/better than where we are.  And ultimately, daydreams are a path to making plans. 

Prior to our discussion, participants were asked to tell me what it is they most enjoy about the holidays.  These became the starting point for our daydreams.

Many participants said they most enjoy seeing family and friends.  I stressed how if our daydream is going to be not only fun but also fruitful, it needs details.  So, we began with my daydream about seeing family and friends.  For example, I enjoy the anticipation – anticipation of providing some small surprise, some small delight.  Usually, I do that by offering a new food, usually an appetizer.  Every year it is something different.  My daydream leads to how can I do that this year?

Together, we brainstormed possibilities: (1) share the recipe and we all cook it individually so we continue that tradition, (2) share a video of me preparing it because it is that time in the kitchen chatting that I enjoy, or (3) share the recipe and talk about how the cooking went over Zoom.

Eating is a big part of the holidays for many of us.  This led to the details of the special dishes we have at the holiday, maybe green bean casserole, or a special stuffing, or other side dishes. 

We daydreamed possible plans:  1) Making a turkey in advance so it can be picked up by/delivered to others and get some sides from them.  2) Cooking some parts of the meal together over Zoom because, for many, the preparing the meal and sharing that time with others is the source of the fun (even more than the actual eating of the meal).  3) Others are going to cook like every year, but this year they will share the food the day before and on the day they will to eat together over Zoom and then play virtual games. 4) We discussed Zoom “rules” such as the opportunity for the holidays to be a “pop in and out” event. This would minimize Zoom fatigue and allow people to walk around as we do during any holiday and “pop” on screen to share something we are eating, doing, thinking, or singing!

We discussed some special traditions and how we can continue them in a different way this year.  For example, my family adds “feathers” to a holiday turkey.  Will I have them send me what they are grateful for, or have them tell me over Zoom, or make small turkeys for them to have at their homes this year?

Future talk then became our focus.  We talked about being able to daydream about our wishes (Wouldn’t it be nice if we could hug?  Wouldn’t it be nice if we could (all) be together?  Wouldn’t it be nice if we could sit closer together at the table?).  The ability to wish, to embrace the daydream, is a key to finding both happiness in the moment (the actual daydream) and to imagining a way to come up with the “next best thing”.

Memory Maps also seemed to be something we all agreed could be fun over the holidays.  We agreed that creating a memory map over Zoom or preparing them in advance would provide wonderful conversation and bring us joy.  The idea is to reflect on happy memories and by doing so provide a happy memory of 2020.  One participant suggested that since sharing stories seemed to be such an important part of the holiday, that holiday interviews be a part of the 2020 holiday.  That could be done over Zoom, with an email chain, or through a site such as Flipboard to facilitate the interviews and make it fun.

Future talk and memory maps led easily into our daydreams about how good spirits/feeling of the season is the most enjoyable part for many of us.  And we realized that we could still achieve that feeling of the season by using our daydreams and creativity.

Since the purpose of our daydreams was to make holiday plans, we also talked about the challenges.  The challenges included trying to figure out how to keep things as normal as possible for our kids and parents, not being able to celebrate with family in person, missing decorating together,  and balancing keeping elder family members safe while making it magical for a little one who wants to know is Santa can still come with the virus.  The challenges also included families not being on the same page about what’s safe and what’s not and how to be together without giving in to the urge to hug.

Solutions included investing in a portable fire pit and a patio heater so we can continue to see family/friends outdoors,  showing outdoor movies using a sheet as a screen and investing in a projector (perhaps with neighbors or other family members so it can be shared), or having a Netflix party in holiday pajamas to watch a holiday film.  Since we cannot use actions (hugs) to express the joy of seeing family/friends, we must become more comfortable using our words to express our emotions.  We also came up with a post-pandemic solution – to throw a theme party in which everyone comes dressed as their favorite holiday and celebrate them all at once!

We all found it helpful to remember that 2020 is a “blip” – it will not be like this forever.  We are daydreaming about this year, not all the years to come.

Finally, we discussed seeing holidays through the eyes of our children.  This one was the toughest for me because it represents the loss we feel that our children cannot have the type of experience we wanted them to have.  We reframed this as wanting to give them the best possible holiday.  We need to remember that from their perspective, it will be magical because we are their world and by being there for them we make the magic.  They will still feel the love and that is the true message of the holidays.

We ended our discussion with a response to a participants’ pre-workshop question: “Are holidays dying? They don’t feel real”. This question made me think of the essay, “Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus”. In 1897, an 8 year old girl has written to the editor of the Sun, a New York newspaper.  The whole editorial response is beautiful but my favorite line is, “He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist”.

The fact that we all made time to talk about how to make the holidays special this year – not just for ourselves but, clearly, for those we love – is proof that love, generosity and devotion do still exist.  Therefore, the holidays will remain alive, well, and joyful.

I hope you will join us for our next Zoom discussion!

Discussing Real Matters – Zoom with Dr. Urban

Holiday, Psychology, Relationships, Uncategorized,

Creating the Best Possible Holidays – The Final Challenge of 2020

This year the holidays will be different.  Different is not a synonym for bad; it does not mean less fun.  It simply means not the same.  Different is an invitation to be creative.

Join me for an hour-long online discussion via Zoom at 7PM on Tuesday, November 10th for a discussion about how we can celebrate the holidays, whether it is in person, virtually, or in our daydreams and memories. Let’s pool our creative resources and help each other celebrate. 

The fee is $5.00 for one; $10.00 for 2 or more, payable in advance via Venmo (@Diane-Urban-5).

Please RSVP here: https://forms.gle/6HQ8owueD2s9U8c86 When you respond, include your answer to this question: What is it you most enjoy about the holidays?

Looking forward to seeing you!!!

Thoughts on Gratitude

Holiday, Psychology, Relationships, Uncategorized, , ,

Gratitude – it is not just for a season, or for a day; it is necessary for a lifetime of happiness.

At least, that is how I feel about it.

It is not always easy to find a reason to be grateful. Our lives are often filled with problems, frustrations, disappointments, and worries. These can often cause us to overlook the many opportunities we have for gratefulness. Typically, when I ask someone what they have to be grateful for, they recite the “usual” list – family, friends, health, a job. We list these things almost reflexively. But really, family, friends, and our jobs can be the main sources of the problems that get in the way of gratefulness. So for us to be grateful for them, we have to dig a bit deeper into why they made our lists.

In other words, when we practice gratefulness, we have to be more descriptive. The reason someone or something is on our list, once described, becomes a true reason for happiness. The description also provides us with (1) an opportunity to practice making lemonade from the lemons and (2) a reminder that some things are just sweet in and of themselves.

Some examples:

  • I am grateful for family…But, Aunt ____ can be so difficult; she criticizes everything. When I think about it more, though, I’m glad she taught me to think before I speak – and I’m glad she taught me that sometimes it is important to speak one’s mind. (Lemonade from lemon).
  • My parents are elderly but healthy and able to live on their own. (Sweet in and of itself).
  • I am grateful for my friends – people who have chosen to include me in their lives (although sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the “demands” of friendship). When I think about it more, my friends have taught me that I can say I am overwhelmed and can’t do something and still be loved. They have taught me that it is important to ask how the other person is before launching into my own stuff. (Sweet in and of itself with a touch of lemonade from lemon).
  • I am grateful that I have a job; so many people are out of work. But, I really don’t like my job; in fact, I hate going to work there. When I think about it more, though, I am grateful for what the pay allows me to do (pay rent, purchase food, clothes). I am grateful that I can look for other work while I have an income. I am grateful that I do not define my worth by my job, but by the value I have to my family and friends. (Lemonade from lemon).

Once we’ve identified what we’re grateful for and why, it’s important to convey that gratitude. I realize that gratitude journals are trendy right now and rightfully so because they help us be mindful of our responsibility for choosing happiness. I also recognize that they can seem campy or even like homework or a chore. But they are not – and they can take so many creative forms.

My family’s first “gratitude journal” was a turkey we drew on poster board and hung up for Thanksgiving. We then tore little pieces of construction paper, wrote things we were grateful for on those small pieces of paper (including the year), and glued them on the turkey as feathers.   Every year the turkeys (yes, multiples) come out and we add to the feathers – and re-read the “old” items. The feathers reflect our age, what was happening in our individual lives, our family, and the wider world. They represent the simple (“my socks,” “bunnies on the lawn,”) to the complex (“that our friend came home from the war,” “that my children have found loves of their own”).

Other “gratitude journals” took the form of photo albums that celebrated the lives of relatives who achieved the ages of 90 and 100. Others took the form of cards with words written by others, but conveying thoughts that might have gone unsaid without the help of Hallmark’s writers. Others were notes in a lunchbox, notes under a pillow, or words spoken through a phone call or text.

The point is whenever we express gratitude, we enrich our own happiness as well as the happiness of others. Once that is experienced, expressing gratitude is never a chore – it becomes one more thing for which we are grateful.

When It Becomes the Not-So-Happy-Holidays

Holiday, Loneliness, Parenting, Psychology, Relationships, Uncategorized, , , ,

Before I became a psychologist, I thought the holidays were only times of great joy. I looked forward to them with great anticipation, eagerly awaiting all the commotion.
Now, however, I realize that Thanksgiving marks the beginning of a very painful time for so many people. For them, the holidays are a time of increased isolation and despair. As some of us talk about whom we will visit and how we will juggle multiple invitations, others wish they had even one place to go. As some of us complain that our in-laws want to see us, others wish they had in-laws. As some of us complain that our children will visit in-laws, others wish they had children. There is no one single cause of the pain people feel during this time of year. The pain they are in reflects their unfulfilled wishes, their dreams that – due to no fault of their own – cannot be realized, and their hopes that are fading with each passing day.

Given this reality, what can we do to help make this season more joyful for ourselves and for others? I propose that this holiday season we all do our best to turn our burdens into someone else’s joy.

This concept is not intuitive. After all, our burdens, our pains, are not things we tend to think are worth sharing with others. That’s because we see those burdens from our own vantage point; seeing it from someone else’s can make all the difference. Some examples will help:

  • If you cannot spend a holiday with someone because you are accepting a different invitation, tell him or her when you will visit and that whenever you are with them, it is a holiday (https://real-matters.com/?p=27).
  • If one of your holiday guests is your burden, treat that person as if you have never met and try to get to know them. Perhaps a new relationship will develop as you listen to new stories rather than focusing on the old ones.
  • If you have no children, help someone who does. Offer to watch their children while they prepare for the holiday. If you don’t know someone with children, volunteer at a center that will have a holiday party for children in need. Volunteer to bring food to parents whose child is hospitalized.
  • If you are overwhelmed with the children you have, ask someone who longs for children, to help you. If you know that you will complain that you have no room in your refrigerator or freezer for your left over food, don’t cook it – donate it to a food bank.
  • If you will be alone for the holiday, spend it with someone else who would be alone, but not for your offer to spend it with them.

No matter what your situation is, giving of self will increase your connection to others and connection is the key to joy, not just over the holidays – but any day.

The Joy of Parenting

Holiday, Parenting, Psychology, Sociology, Uncategorized,

Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are often billed as days for children to “pay back” parents for all they do for them all year. Parents forgo personal desires for them, devote themselves to them, and struggle for them. Some parents see Mother’s and Father’s Day as a reimbursement for all the sacrifices and struggles. While mothers and fathers certainly deserve love and attention, the term “payback” makes parenting sound like a chore rather than a joy. I like to think of it differently.

For me, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are opportunities to sit back for a moment and reflect on the wonders of family. Instead of rushing around, we have the opportunity to observe the love that surrounds us. On such days, we indulge in the luxury of watching our family. We watch our toddler share their blanket, or their cookie, or their toy; in other words, we watch them share their heart. We watch our teen struggle to say, “I love you” with a card. Whether that card is funny, near silent with so few words, or two pages of heart-felt words that are not said on any other day, we watch them learn to share their heart and expose their vulnerability to others. We watch our adult children navigate the world of including their significant other into their family while they also navigate how to become a part of someone else’s family.

Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are opportunities to celebrate our successes – the times we parented with poise and grace, the times we said and did just the “right” thing, the times we were able to provide just the right amount of support. It is also a time to celebrate our less successful days – the times we yelled, the times we hurt their feelings, the times we said all the wrong things, the times we provided the wrong support (too much, too little, the wrong kind). These are, after all, the times they had to learn that they could stand on their own and figure out the world on their own, and survive the curveballs that life would throw at them. These are the times we taught them the power of forgiveness and the continuity of love. Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are days to celebrate our strengths and weaknesses as people, as sons and daughters, moms and dads, as siblings, and as members of our family.

They are days to express our gratitude to those who have shared their love with us. I am grateful to my mom for showing me how to be strong on the outside when inside I may want to cry. That is something that has been so helpful to me professionally and personally. I am grateful to my dad for showing me that I deserve to be treated like a princess – like a person who is confident, respected, loved, listened to, admired, and fun to be around. I am grateful to my husband for helping to create a family bound together by love, respect, fun, and mutual support. I am grateful to my “mom friends” who shared growing up with me (our children’s growth and our own). I am grateful to my children for helping me see that parenting is not a chore; it is a joy.

I wish you all a day of reflection. Happy parenting!

  • ~”Parenting is a journey that takes us from total responsibility for another person to the development of a responsible person” Diane Urban, PhD ~

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