Last week, we gathered virtually to discuss what we love most about the holidays, what is stressful about this year’s holidays, and what we can do to make them as enjoyable as ever – even though they may look different. After connecting and brainstorming with others, we all felt more energized and optimistic about the holidays! Here is a brief summary of what we discussed:
We have been taught to be ashamed of daydreaming – taught it is a waste of our time – but really, it is a tool for assessing optimism, creativity, and intellectual potential. Daydreams are a momentary escape from reality. All psychologists listen to daydreams because they help us assess a person’s intellectual capacity (level of complexity and abstractness of daydream), creativity (new stories/endings/plot twists), and, most importantly, the person’s optimism. They should, therefore, take us somewhere fun/better than where we are. And ultimately, daydreams are a path to making plans.
Prior to our discussion, participants were asked to tell me what it is they most enjoy about the holidays. These became the starting point for our daydreams.
Many participants said they most enjoy seeing family and friends. I stressed how if our daydream is going to be not only fun but also fruitful, it needs details. So, we began with my daydream about seeing family and friends. For example, I enjoy the anticipation – anticipation of providing some small surprise, some small delight. Usually, I do that by offering a new food, usually an appetizer. Every year it is something different. My daydream leads to how can I do that this year?
Together, we brainstormed possibilities: (1) share the recipe and we all cook it individually so we continue that tradition, (2) share a video of me preparing it because it is that time in the kitchen chatting that I enjoy, or (3) share the recipe and talk about how the cooking went over Zoom.
Eating is a big part of the holidays for many of us. This led to the details of the special dishes we have at the holiday, maybe green bean casserole, or a special stuffing, or other side dishes.
We daydreamed possible plans: 1) Making a turkey in advance so it can be picked up by/delivered to others and get some sides from them. 2) Cooking some parts of the meal together over Zoom because, for many, the preparing the meal and sharing that time with others is the source of the fun (even more than the actual eating of the meal). 3) Others are going to cook like every year, but this year they will share the food the day before and on the day they will to eat together over Zoom and then play virtual games. 4) We discussed Zoom “rules” such as the opportunity for the holidays to be a “pop in and out” event. This would minimize Zoom fatigue and allow people to walk around as we do during any holiday and “pop” on screen to share something we are eating, doing, thinking, or singing!
We discussed some special traditions and how we can continue them in a different way this year. For example, my family adds “feathers” to a holiday turkey. Will I have them send me what they are grateful for, or have them tell me over Zoom, or make small turkeys for them to have at their homes this year?
Future talk then became our focus. We talked about being able to daydream about our wishes (Wouldn’t it be nice if we could hug? Wouldn’t it be nice if we could (all) be together? Wouldn’t it be nice if we could sit closer together at the table?). The ability to wish, to embrace the daydream, is a key to finding both happiness in the moment (the actual daydream) and to imagining a way to come up with the “next best thing”.
Memory Maps also seemed to be something we all agreed could be fun over the holidays. We agreed that creating a memory map over Zoom or preparing them in advance would provide wonderful conversation and bring us joy. The idea is to reflect on happy memories and by doing so provide a happy memory of 2020. One participant suggested that since sharing stories seemed to be such an important part of the holiday, that holiday interviews be a part of the 2020 holiday. That could be done over Zoom, with an email chain, or through a site such as Flipboard to facilitate the interviews and make it fun.
Future talk and memory maps led easily into our daydreams about how good spirits/feeling of the season is the most enjoyable part for many of us. And we realized that we could still achieve that feeling of the season by using our daydreams and creativity.
Since the purpose of our daydreams was to make holiday plans, we also talked about the challenges. The challenges included trying to figure out how to keep things as normal as possible for our kids and parents, not being able to celebrate with family in person, missing decorating together, and balancing keeping elder family members safe while making it magical for a little one who wants to know is Santa can still come with the virus. The challenges also included families not being on the same page about what’s safe and what’s not and how to be together without giving in to the urge to hug.
Solutions included investing in a portable fire pit and a patio heater so we can continue to see family/friends outdoors, showing outdoor movies using a sheet as a screen and investing in a projector (perhaps with neighbors or other family members so it can be shared), or having a Netflix party in holiday pajamas to watch a holiday film. Since we cannot use actions (hugs) to express the joy of seeing family/friends, we must become more comfortable using our words to express our emotions. We also came up with a post-pandemic solution – to throw a theme party in which everyone comes dressed as their favorite holiday and celebrate them all at once!
We all found it helpful to remember that 2020 is a “blip” – it will not be like this forever. We are daydreaming about this year, not all the years to come.
Finally, we discussed seeing holidays through the eyes of our children. This one was the toughest for me because it represents the loss we feel that our children cannot have the type of experience we wanted them to have. We reframed this as wanting to give them the best possible holiday. We need to remember that from their perspective, it will be magical because we are their world and by being there for them we make the magic. They will still feel the love and that is the true message of the holidays.
We ended our discussion with a response to a participants’ pre-workshop question: “Are holidays dying? They don’t feel real”. This question made me think of the essay, “Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus”. In 1897, an 8 year old girl has written to the editor of the Sun, a New York newspaper. The whole editorial response is beautiful but my favorite line is, “He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist”.
The fact that we all made time to talk about how to make the holidays special this year – not just for ourselves but, clearly, for those we love – is proof that love, generosity and devotion do still exist. Therefore, the holidays will remain alive, well, and joyful.
I hope you will join us for our next Zoom discussion!
Dr. Urban I love the article. My family and I have been thinking of how to have a great holiday through this pandemic. It has been a challenge and for the first time in 5 months I was able to see my parents but the unusual thing is my kids and I had to have our mask on the entire time we were there because they are older and we didn’t want to risk their lives. This article has given me a clue on how to spend our holidays and we don’t have to be together for precaution sake. I will plan a zoom party from morning and I know everyone will love it. And also day dreaming about the day we will all be together gives me a positive attitude towards the holidays
Thank you for sharing. Stay safe and enjoy your holidays
As I started reading this article, the first thing I thought to add to my comment was how holidays are still, in the blip 2020, so lovely to me. As a child I definitely lacked imagination, I did not have my action figures flying through the air as I made farting noises with my mouth to show they’re flying, but that didnt change the fact that I absolutely love this holiday in particular. Realistically Ive probably had one Christmas with snow(not a snowy Christmas, but a flake or two), but as long as the music is there, thoughtfulness is being expressed , jolliness all around town and the Christmas episodes and movies are on, I was happy. All of that was I typed out was a past day dream. Important in our lives, and we unconsciously do it all the time. Daydreaming leads to new ideas and just because one is far out doesn’t mean it is incapable of becoming a reality, whether it be something someone wants to do or have done, or if the person wants to create something or even a solution to a problem. Day dreams have absolutely lead to some of our most useful and favorite media selections and innovations of our lifetime. Daydreaming with food was mentioned, all those crazy dishes you can find in the world, no matter how unconventional, started as a day dream. Think about cheese doodlez, just the concept of the chip, the logo, the packaging is one crazy daydream.
The ability to daydream during this pandemic is essential because as of right now, the future really is in the air, everything is on hold. However that doesnt mean we cant imagine the possibilities.
Doesn’t everyone at some point during the holiday season begin to daydream about all the possibilities surrounding such a joyous time. All of the family and friends that surrounds us, the great food that’s put on our tables and the act of giving which brings a big captivating smile to everyone. We begin to get so excited and all the emotions bursting through our bodies symbolizes all the great things soon to come. Daydreaming about the precious time we spend with those dear to us makes the actually experience that much better. Its one of the only times during the year that everyone comes together and we think about all things we can be grateful for. Currently under the circumstances were in with covid-19 seeming to diminish our hopes and take a toll on everyone in 2020 we have to daydream about all the wonderful moments that are on the horizon.
Professor Urban, I must say that I love this article. I’ve received many information on how to enjoy the holidays, lucky for me, most of my family is back in Jamaica for the holidays, I would love to be back home sipping sorrel and eating rum fruit cake. Christmas eve is the day we as family would start seasoning the meats and finishing up the baking, then in the night we would go to ‘Grandmarket’ it is a traditional event that happens every Christmas eve in Jamaica. I would sit and daydream about this, this time of year in my country is filled with excitement and happiness but unfortunately this year is going to be different. I have no idea how my family back home plan to meet up for the holidays, but I’m sure I can give them some ideas from this article. Sigh I wish everything could go back to normal and COVID-19 would just go away. This Christmas I’m still going to have some positive vibes, doesn’t matter what circumstances come my way.
I love this article! I have been going home to Ireland every Christmas for the past 26 years, to be with my family and celebrate the holidays. I have never missed those Christmas visits, until this year. Like for so many, this Christmas was different for me and my family. I love how you all brainstormed as a group and came up with different ideas to bring your families together for the celebration, from the preparation to the actual day! Who would have thought we would ever be faced with this dilemma.. You guys nailed it, and I bet you all had a fun celebration in the end. Hopefully we won’t be in the same situation next year, but if we are I will revisit this post! Thank you Dr. Urban!
I enjoyed reading all the creative ways to connect with others during the holidays in quarantine.I think I will suggest in advance preparing roadmaps to dicusss over video and even cook together. I usually work most days so I find holidays super special times to focus on my family. When I do daydream I get taken to happy experiences usually surrounding loved ones. During the holidays my family will usually travel to meet with our cousins but this year we did zoom chat for the first time. We did experience “zoom fatigue” but it was also the first time my brother was involved he usually like to skip family events but he made an appearance over camera which took everyone by surprise but made that a memorable moment. Quarantine has affected so many people I’m glad that we are all finding ways to keep connected during these tough times when we want to embrace each other more.
I really enjoyed reading this. Reflecting on this holiday season, it almost felt like they didn’t really happen. It’s strange because when I think of the holidays, I think of the previous years, and almost skip over the most recent holiday season. I never thought about doing a memory map to make the holidays more enjoyable, but I do think it would’ve provided a lot of comfort and would’ve been a great way to reminisce about past holidays and make us feel closer. I recently did a memory map with a friend, and the experience did feel like bonding, so I think doing it with family over the holidays when we can’t all be together would make us feel close and comforted. Sharing stories is something we all do in person anyway, so doing it virtually shouldn’t feel much different. I don’t know what the next holiday season will look like, but I will incorporate memory maps into the tradition, whether virtual or not.
It was very interesting to read about the various ideas everyone came up with to keep the holiday feeling present in the mist of COVID. I feel like it’s definitely made it harder to keep up with traditions for most. However, many people have found various ways to keep them alive. My family isn’t big. So this past holiday season we traveled to Vegas and tried a new tradition that involved less cooking. I enjoyed a lot of the virtual ideas discussed. Perhaps this year we’ll try something off of this list !
It is funny how a pandemic can change us in a split second. We know that changes in life is inevitable because as we grow nothing remains the same from both a biological and environmental perspective. But is changes bad for us because I think it challenges us and make us more creative with using our brains. It is very how a pandemic has lead us to so much creativity and adaptation. This was good read and it also shows how positive things that come from such a negative experience. Someone once said, ” there is nothing good or bad in the world but thinking make it so.” I agree.