Last week, we gathered virtually to discuss what we love most about the holidays, what is stressful about this year’s holidays, and what we can do to make them as enjoyable as ever – even though they may look different. After connecting and brainstorming with others, we all felt more energized and optimistic about the holidays! Here is a brief summary of what we discussed:
We have been taught to be ashamed of daydreaming – taught it is a waste of our time – but really, it is a tool for assessing optimism, creativity, and intellectual potential. Daydreams are a momentary escape from reality. All psychologists listen to daydreams because they help us assess a person’s intellectual capacity (level of complexity and abstractness of daydream), creativity (new stories/endings/plot twists), and, most importantly, the person’s optimism. They should, therefore, take us somewhere fun/better than where we are. And ultimately, daydreams are a path to making plans.
Prior to our discussion, participants were asked to tell me what it is they most enjoy about the holidays. These became the starting point for our daydreams.
Many participants said they most enjoy seeing family and friends. I stressed how if our daydream is going to be not only fun but also fruitful, it needs details. So, we began with my daydream about seeing family and friends. For example, I enjoy the anticipation – anticipation of providing some small surprise, some small delight. Usually, I do that by offering a new food, usually an appetizer. Every year it is something different. My daydream leads to how can I do that this year?
Together, we brainstormed possibilities: (1) share the recipe and we all cook it individually so we continue that tradition, (2) share a video of me preparing it because it is that time in the kitchen chatting that I enjoy, or (3) share the recipe and talk about how the cooking went over Zoom.
Eating is a big part of the holidays for many of us. This led to the details of the special dishes we have at the holiday, maybe green bean casserole, or a special stuffing, or other side dishes.
We daydreamed possible plans: 1) Making a turkey in advance so it can be picked up by/delivered to others and get some sides from them. 2) Cooking some parts of the meal together over Zoom because, for many, the preparing the meal and sharing that time with others is the source of the fun (even more than the actual eating of the meal). 3) Others are going to cook like every year, but this year they will share the food the day before and on the day they will to eat together over Zoom and then play virtual games. 4) We discussed Zoom “rules” such as the opportunity for the holidays to be a “pop in and out” event. This would minimize Zoom fatigue and allow people to walk around as we do during any holiday and “pop” on screen to share something we are eating, doing, thinking, or singing!
We discussed some special traditions and how we can continue them in a different way this year. For example, my family adds “feathers” to a holiday turkey. Will I have them send me what they are grateful for, or have them tell me over Zoom, or make small turkeys for them to have at their homes this year?
Future talk then became our focus. We talked about being able to daydream about our wishes (Wouldn’t it be nice if we could hug? Wouldn’t it be nice if we could (all) be together? Wouldn’t it be nice if we could sit closer together at the table?). The ability to wish, to embrace the daydream, is a key to finding both happiness in the moment (the actual daydream) and to imagining a way to come up with the “next best thing”.
Memory Maps also seemed to be something we all agreed could be fun over the holidays. We agreed that creating a memory map over Zoom or preparing them in advance would provide wonderful conversation and bring us joy. The idea is to reflect on happy memories and by doing so provide a happy memory of 2020. One participant suggested that since sharing stories seemed to be such an important part of the holiday, that holiday interviews be a part of the 2020 holiday. That could be done over Zoom, with an email chain, or through a site such as Flipboard to facilitate the interviews and make it fun.
Future talk and memory maps led easily into our daydreams about how good spirits/feeling of the season is the most enjoyable part for many of us. And we realized that we could still achieve that feeling of the season by using our daydreams and creativity.
Since the purpose of our daydreams was to make holiday plans, we also talked about the challenges. The challenges included trying to figure out how to keep things as normal as possible for our kids and parents, not being able to celebrate with family in person, missing decorating together, and balancing keeping elder family members safe while making it magical for a little one who wants to know is Santa can still come with the virus. The challenges also included families not being on the same page about what’s safe and what’s not and how to be together without giving in to the urge to hug.
Solutions included investing in a portable fire pit and a patio heater so we can continue to see family/friends outdoors, showing outdoor movies using a sheet as a screen and investing in a projector (perhaps with neighbors or other family members so it can be shared), or having a Netflix party in holiday pajamas to watch a holiday film. Since we cannot use actions (hugs) to express the joy of seeing family/friends, we must become more comfortable using our words to express our emotions. We also came up with a post-pandemic solution – to throw a theme party in which everyone comes dressed as their favorite holiday and celebrate them all at once!
We all found it helpful to remember that 2020 is a “blip” – it will not be like this forever. We are daydreaming about this year, not all the years to come.
Finally, we discussed seeing holidays through the eyes of our children. This one was the toughest for me because it represents the loss we feel that our children cannot have the type of experience we wanted them to have. We reframed this as wanting to give them the best possible holiday. We need to remember that from their perspective, it will be magical because we are their world and by being there for them we make the magic. They will still feel the love and that is the true message of the holidays.
We ended our discussion with a response to a participants’ pre-workshop question: “Are holidays dying? They don’t feel real”. This question made me think of the essay, “Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus”. In 1897, an 8 year old girl has written to the editor of the Sun, a New York newspaper. The whole editorial response is beautiful but my favorite line is, “He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist”.
The fact that we all made time to talk about how to make the holidays special this year – not just for ourselves but, clearly, for those we love – is proof that love, generosity and devotion do still exist. Therefore, the holidays will remain alive, well, and joyful.
I hope you will join us for our next Zoom discussion!