When adults meet new people, we tend to connect by asking questions. What do you do? Where do you work? Where do you live? In other words, we often approach initial contact as if we are investigators gathering key information before we decide if we are going to share anything about ourselves.

I cannot help but wonder: what if, when we first meet someone, we switched our tactics and offered something about ourselves instead?

This is, in fact, how most of us initially began conversations. Children tend to start conversations talking about themselves. They share information freely, talk about their interests, and then ask if the other child shares that interest. Children make friends much more easily than adults do, so what makes us abandon what seems to be a very effective strategy?

I have a feeling it relates to a misunderstanding of what it means when we say children are egocentric. After observing children in controlled, scientific settings, psychologists determined that pre-school aged children find it difficult to see the world from any perspective other than their own. For example, if they read a book to someone else, they do not turn it so the other can see the pictures. They assume the other sees the pictures in the book because they can see the pictures in the book.

This came to be interpreted, incorrectly, that if children are egocentric, they must also be egotistical. Egotistic refers to a person who is self-absorbed, self-centered, and disinterested in anyone other than themselves. An egotistical person can see other perspectives; they simply aren’t interested in them. Children have difficulty seeing another perspective, but they are definitely interested in other children.

I say all this because I’ve come to believe that we have been taught that asking the other person questions demonstrates that we are not self-centered; it also demonstrates that we are interested in them. As a result, we hesitate starting a conversation by sharing something about ourselves. But what if asking questions makes the other person feel “on the spot” and sharing about ourselves helps the other person feel comfortable? What if sharing something about ourselves actually makes us seem open and interesting?

Sharing is, in fact, a wonderful skill. So, after we meet someone, what if we switched our tactics and opened a conversation by offering something about ourselves? For example, we can make statements like, “I’m looking forward to watching [a specific sporting event],” or “I was out walking the other day and I saw this unusual bird. Looking for birds is something I enjoy,” or “I just read a great book”. After we share what we find fun, interesting, or enjoyable about the activity, we can then ask, “How about you? What do you enjoy?”.

True connections are not unidirectional; they involve a feedback loop. Next time you’re meeting someone new, or someone you don’t speak to often, I encourage you to take the challenge to share something about yourself before asking others to share about themselves.

Previously published on Medium Apr 15, 2026