If worry is so bad for us, why do we all do it? What value does it have? What is its relationship to stress? What do stress and worry do for us as individuals and as members of the collective of humankind?
Join me for an hour-long online discussion via Zoom at 7PM on Tuesday, March 16th. We will discuss various strategies for ensuring that we control stress and worry rather than allowing them to control us. Since children’s authors know how to put a humorous spin on human behavior, we will read about worry from the perspective of Owl Babies by Martin Waddell and explore the psychological treasures hidden within it.
The fee is $5.00 for one person; $10.00 for 2 or more, payable in advance via Venmo (@Diane-Urban-5) RSVP requested by 5PM on 3/14.
When you reply, please use the link below: https://forms.gle/Ugizs82NV8p5Y4Jo7 On the bottom of the form please include your answers to the questions: What are the major stressors in your life? What are you most worried about? What are the major stressors in the lives of those you care about? Do you have a “go to” strategy for calming your worries?
Children’s authors know how to put a humorous spin on why we humans sometimes have a difficult time falling asleep. They also have a knack for simplifying sound psychological principles. Since sleep issues are increasing, I thought it would be fun to discuss what we could all learn from some classic books. Join me for an hour-long online discussion via Zoom at 7PM on Tuesday, January 19th. We will discuss such books as Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown and Dad! I Can’t Sleep! by Michael Forman. If you are not familiar with these books, you can take a look at them via these links: https://www.readstoriesforkids.com/Goodnight-Moon.html and https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=230752381400802
The books will be our path to discussing real matters; the path to real matters will hopefully bring us all a little joy.
The fee is $5.00 for one person; $10.00 for 2 or more, payable in advance via Venmo (@Diane-Urban-5) RSVP requested by 5PM on 1/18 RSVP via this link: https://forms.gle/WBxUkRdrzEmndu7W8 When you respond, include your answers to these question: Why do you think you are having trouble falling or staying asleep? What is the best advice you ever got as a child or gave to a child about falling asleep?
Heads or Tales? The Psychology Hidden in Our Favorite Children’s Books
Children’s books are designed to teach children how to handle everyday situations such as handling frustration, taking responsibility, making choices, and having fun. In other words, they teach the skills we will employ throughout our adult lives. Heads or Tales will explore how these “simple” books incorporate psychological theories and can tell us a great deal about our underlying beliefs about human nature.
Join me for an hour-long online discussion via Zoom at 7PM on Tuesday, September 29th. We will read The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein. If you’re not familiar with the book, you can take a look at it here: https://www.slideshare.net/wicaksana/the-giving-tree-3293089
The book will be our path to discussing real matters; the path to real matters will hopefully bring us all a little joy.
The fee is $5.00 for one; $10.00 for 2 or more, payable in advance via Venmo (@Diane-Urban-5)
After reading an article entitled Listening to Killers (https://www.apa.org/monitor/2016/02/killers) by Rebecca Clay (Monitor on Psychology, Feb. 2016), a student wrote this reflection about addressing violent crime and the violence of racism. His words deepened my understanding – so much so that I wanted to share his insights with a wider audience.
A Reflection on Listening to Killers by James Liverman
The article discussed young people committing murder. It talked of their environment as a cause of their moral depravity, as well as parental abandonment. It didn’t specifically state this fact, but I believe a lot of those killers are Black and Brown people. The author says, “The general public tends to view murderers as absolutely evil persons or people so damaged; they can’t possibly live among us. But most killers are untreated traumatized children who are controlling the actions of the scary adults they have become.”
I believe that society is also the cause and the reason these young people kill.
They come from descendants that were held in captivity and forced to witness some of the most horrific punishment – punishment that you or I can’t even begin to imagine. Punishment only limited by the imagination of the slave owners trying to instill in a people the cost of running away or thinking of being a human being.
In addition, “breeding” occurred where the children or offspring were taken at birth and sold. The father went from one stall to the next to impregnate a female or “wench” as they were called. The family unit wasn’t allowed to exist by SOCIETY. Those parental bonds were taken away by the society of the time. Fast forward to today and it is called “parental abandonment.”
This thinking – the slavery, the punishment, the breeding – occurred less than one hundred and fifty years ago, and then, hundreds of thousands of uneducated people (people who weren’t allowed to be educated) were released in a land to fend for themselves: “The Emancipation Proclamation”.
So, the trauma happened, I believe when they were born in America’s society as Black and Brown people. The existing system or society was not designed for them. So, the systemic or institutional racism became a weapon of war against them, hence the warzones they were born into. Police departments around the country are more than able to stem the violence in all neighborhoods assigned to that precinct, one would imagine, so how are the ghettos or warzones, as the article states, allowed to fester?
I believe that the Black and Brown people inherited trauma; their aggression is normalized on television every night: kill or be killed. Their parents’ vocabulary, the same as any parents’ vocabulary of love and staying safe, may be less than a thousand words while society’s vocabulary is two-hundred thousand by their teen years. They never leave the “warzone”, so life has no value to them.
Dr. Garbarino’s work is amazing; he has dedicated his life to studying how America’s oppression can rear such seemingly dehumanized individuals. He relates this to their disappearing family upbringing. More importantly, he relates it to the experience of growing up in a warzone “with high community violence, gangs, chronic threats and stress.” This environment consists of living to be 21 and getting paid by vehicles other than a welfare system that’s built on the principle that this is their “right of passage”. Could he himself be suffering from “institutional racism”, though?
He then answers whether these murderers can be rehabilitated or cured for lack of a better word. After being incarcerated in “cages” for more than 10, 15, 20 years or so, they live in Rome and do as the Romans do. Some take advantage of the wisdom that comes from the older prisoners who have matured in a “cage”. What’s the parole board like in a society that’s the cause of your incarceration? Is it the systemic racism washed from that parole board that allows the victim’s family to spew their hatred for you, and use that as a determining factor in whether you are released or denied parole or release?
These are just my thoughts on the matter. I’m not a psychologist; however, I believe sentencing juveniles to life terms and changing the laws so that they could be sentenced that way is unconstitutional and criminal. If they were given the resources to become educated and teachable, a lot of people who are given time away from a “traumatic” or “unhealthy” background, would be capable of becoming a functioning member of American society.
I have spoken at many PTA meetings and it is always my
routine to get there early so I can connect with the audience before the talk
begins. I often get to listen in on the
executive committee meetings that precede these talks. On one particular occasion, the committee was
discussing purchasing planners for the elementary school children and they were
emphasizing that the planners needed to have an area for daily, weekly, and
monthly goals so the children could learn to work toward long-term career goals.
I remember thinking “why?”
Why must 5 year olds learn to document the steps they must take to reach
a goal? I mean, I do understand that they must learn to make a commitment, to
learn follow-through, and to keep a promise.
But, they must also learn that it is important to learn to zig-zag a
little, to find a new way to a goal or to find a new goal all together. In essence, it is important to learn it’s
okay to change direction – in our goals, in our relationships, and in
our careers.
There is ample evidence that people are somewhat programmed
to “stay the path”. Gestalt
psychologists demonstrated the principle of continuity. In terms of vision, it refers to the tendency
to perceive an object based on the least number of changes in direction. For example, it is easier to see “X” as two
intersecting lines than to see it as two “Vs”, one on top of the other (four
changes in direction) or four open-ended triangles. All of those are possible, but two lines –
the fewest possible changes in direction – are the easiest to see.
As a principle of social psychology, continuity refers to not changing your mind about something
or someone. In general, it takes us
about 20 seconds to form an opinion of someone; after that, we tend to seek
evidence that confirms our initial opinion.
We can change our minds, of course, but it takes a considerable amount
of disconfirming evidence for us to do so.
If our first impression is that someone is nice, and then
they do something hurtful, we tend to make an excuse for their behavior. We will say, “everyone messes up sometimes,”
or “I’m sure they didn’t mean it.” If, however,
our first impression is that someone is not a good person and they do something
nice, we will often look at that act as a manipulation of some kind. We will say things like, “I’m sure they had
an ulterior motive for doing that.”
Continuity, as one can see from these examples, can impact
our relationships. We might stay in a
relationship too long because we cannot change our mind; we cannot accept the
disconfirming evidence coming our way.
We might continue to treat our children as, well, children, rather than
as the adults they have become. We might
treat our parents as self-sufficient when they have, in fact, become frail with
age. We might miss opportunities to
allow our relationship to grow because we do not see the changes that our
significant other is experiencing. Our
experiences (school, work, travel, people we meet) change us every day; unfortunately,
continuity can blind us to seeing those changes in ourselves or in others.
Continuity might also prevent us from changing our career
path. Which brings us back to that PTA
meeting. Some of the adults were very
concerned that children learn to set realistic goals. They did not want them to pursue goals such
as becoming a princess or a Ninja Turtle or a singer or a ballerina. The adults, of course, were looking at the
job market. I hear those same arguments
on the larger societal level where colleges are considering dropping majors in
history, philosophy, and many social sciences because the job market in those
areas are not as robust as in STEM programs.
While this is true, it is also true that many great
accomplishments come from the passionate person who pursues a dream, regardless
of the odds against achieving it.
Sometimes it is the zig-zag of life that allows disparate experiences to
gel into a unique niche within a career.
Perhaps the child who wants to be a princess becomes a leader in
industry. Perhaps the Ninja Turtle
becomes a Marine or a law enforcement person, or a firefighter. Perhaps the singer becomes a mathematician
who works with the fractions that were once musical notes. Perhaps it is the switching between and among
dreams that lets us find the one that will bring meaning to our lives.
So many students in my classes tell me that they cannot
change their career plans. They have
invested too much money and time into the goal.
They are already unhappy with the choice, but they continue in the
pursuit. I hear couples in a
relationship saying they are already 30 so starting over with someone else is
not possible. I hear older people saying
they have lived somewhere “forever” and that if they move, they will become
disoriented. I hear young children say
they will “never” be good in school.
What seems true to me is that whenever you feel like you are
walking in quicksand, when each step you take requires more energy than you
have, that is when it is time to consider changing direction. It is time to consider that the other path
might be the “right” one for you, the one that allows you to step lightly and
feel enthusiasm. It is not a sign of
failure to change direction; it is sign that you are open-minded enough to
consider all of the evidence (confirming and disconfirming) and brave enough to
begin anew.
I think we can all remember the anticipation of a new school year. The excitement of beginning anew, the anticipation of seeing old friends or meeting new ones, waiting for the letter that tells us what homeroom we are in and who our teacher would be. I think we can also all remember the jitters before school as well – the butterflies in our stomach, the dread of not having any friends in our class or not meeting new ones, the fear that our teacher would be the “awful” one, and the fear that this would be the worst year of our life.
What we need to keep in mind is that although we know that it will all be OK (because somehow we survived school), we need to keep in mind that our children do not know this. For them, the anxiety is real and our job is to keep it at a healthy level – a level where it motivates them to do their best, to rise to a challenge, and to pursue personal growth. When anxiety moves beyond the healthy level, the costs begin to outweigh the benefits. Personal growth is replaced by sleepless nights, upset stomachs, poor concentration, and the development of separation fears. To help us remember what they are feeling, it is important that we remember that the feelings, thoughts, and anxieties that the children have on the first day of school are really the same as those we feel on the first day of college or the first day of a new job, or even the anxiety we feel upon the return to our “established” position after a vacation. We manage these jitters because our past experiences with this type of anxiety have inoculated us, making us better able to withstand it. Children don’t have the multitude of experiences we have so they cannot call upon them as evidence that this situation will work out okay too. So, what can we do?
As parents, we can:
Familiarize them with the environment they will be in. Take advantage of opportunities that the school district provides where children can go into the building and look around. Familiarity eases anxiety. For young children, it is learning where things are, how to find their room, or what their teacher looks like. For middle school children, it is learning how to use the lock on the locker. For teens, it is knowing where their friends will be, who they will have lunch with, who will have study hall with them.
Give them a sense of control. Let them know that you believe in their ability to handle the situation and give them strategies for doing so. If they are worried about whether you will forget to meet them at the bus stop after school, reassure them that you will be there and then let them know what to do in case you are not. Let them know they are safe so they feel in control.
Give them a sense of predictability. Let them know what the schedule will be like. This is important at every age. The kindergarten child wants to know what they will do when they walk in the room and what will happen after that. The tween and teen wants to know what “specials” are on each day, what after school activities they will have each day, and when the school vacations will be.
Understand that as school becomes more imminent, their anxiety about it will increase. So, we need to prepare beforehand so that the night before is as stress-free as possible. Make sure all the items your child needs are available and put in the backpack so there is no last minute uncertainty about whether they will be “in trouble” for not being prepared. (Getting things ready beforehand also relates to giving them a sense of control and increasing the predictability that the first interaction with the teacher will be a positive one).
Help them reframe their anxiety. While my own children would get so frustrated with me when I said this, it is still one of my favorite phrases – and one I have all of my students repeat before an exam – “I’m not worried, I’m excited!” Of course, they do not feel excited at the moment and it seems to be negating their reality, but, anxiety and excitement have the same physiological effect on our body; they both activate our fight/flight system. The label we give that physical event, however, changes our reaction to that physiology. So, excitement raises our belief that the situation will turn out positively, while nervousness makes us focus on how we need to protect ourselves from what is about to happen. The focus changes the strategies we use in the situation and excitement leads to better strategies for handling the jitters we feel. If they are worried because last year was a tough one for them, reframe it as “This year is a new year”; remind them of the other positive changes that have happened and help them build on that (i.e. they can now tie their own shoes, or drive their own cars). Help them to understand that if some things have changed, school can too.
Recognize that as school becomes more imminent, your own anxiety will increase. We need to handle our worries so they do not increase our children’s worries. If you are worried about their safety in school, talk to school administrators about it. If you are worried about their academic preparation, reach out to the teacher and find out about the support systems that are available. Most teachers offer after-school help and in many states, the American Federation of Teachers has a homework helpline that can be a wonderful resource. If you are worried that your schedule is tight and you may miss their bus drop-off or pick-up, then contact the PTA and ask if there are other parents with that concern and form a committee to help each other. If you are worried about the “bad influences” out there, remind yourself that while peer influences increase as our children get older, our influence is never wiped out. If you stay emotionally connected to your kids, they will hear your advice even when you are not there to give it.
You may experience separation anxiety. If you feel the separation anxiety, if you feel that sense that time is moving too quickly and your “baby” is gone, remember that every phase of life brings its joy, and this will too. Recognizing the joy in the moment allows us to form beautiful memories of the past and positive hopes for the future. I always find comfort in the idea that growing up does not mean they will not need us; it means they will need us differently.
If you happen to be a teacher and you are reading this, there are, of course, things you can do as well to reduce your students’ anxiety. You can have a welcome note on their desks when they arrive so that they immediately know they are joining the community of your classroom, a place where you will treat each other with respect. Invite them to write you back so you can learn more about them. Have a week of changing seats rather than assigned seats this way you can see the dynamics among the various students and they can realize that the potential for their social group is larger than the few people who sit near them. Have everyone say only their name on a daily basis for the first week so everyone learns names – and the shy students practice speaking without feeling any anxiety about what they have to say or remember (such as trying to remember all the names that have already been said – a task that terrifies many students). Talk to your colleagues about other class community bonding activities they utilize so that you can further ease your students’ beginning of the year anxiety.
Whether you are a parent, a teacher, or a student, a new school year brings new anxieties. I imagine that even reading these strategies caused some anxiety. Anxiety lessens, but never disappears – and that is a good thing because at a healthy level, anxiety helps us grow. So, remember what I said – every time we are anxious, it inoculates us from future anxiety. While we may experience jitters in a variety of settings over our lifetime, the jitters do get less. The anxiety decreases and the anticipation/excitement increases. Our coping skills improve because we increase our experiences and are able to apply the knowledge gained to other situations.
I hope these strategies will help you to enjoy the coming school year or whatever new situation you face. Keep in mind the best advice I know for handling a new experience:
“You’re off to great places. Today is your day. Your mountain is waiting, so get on your way” -Dr. Seuss
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