Tag Archives: Psychology

The Case Against Making Relationships “Work”

Emotion, Intimacy, Psychology, Relationships, Sociology, ,

If you wake up every morning, eager to go to work because you find it fulfilling and meaningful then I would agree that relationships are like work.  For too many people, however, work is a drudgery, a requirement for money that allows fun outside of the time spent there.  It is an obligation, a means to an end.  So, what are we saying when we tell ourselves or our friends that relationships are work? In talking to clients about this phrase, I have come to the conclusion that the phrase means we have to grin and bear it, not expect much from the relationship, or that we don’t deserve any more than we are getting.  There is little to nothing positive in the suggestion to “make it work”.

As I see it, relationships are places we go to restore our sense of peace and happiness.  Life can throw obstacles at us and make things difficult.  These obstacles and difficulties can lead us to fantasize about how it would be easier if we had made other choices, selected a different significant other.  However, those normal, occasional feelings, lead the couple to “work” to restore the peace and happiness they find in each other.  But what if we reframed it so it wasn’t “work”?  What if we framed it to feel like finding a new path to that supportive, comforting place? 

Perhaps a more helpful analogy regarding relationships is clothing.  We are uncomfortable in clothing that doesn’t fit us properly.  If we see something we like, but is too tight, we can take it home and choose to work out and lose some weight so we can fit into it.  Notice that the change happens in you and not in the clothing.  The work is on your part, fueled by a desire to have that clothing and feel comfortable in it. Similarly, if the clothing we love is too large for us, we can choose to have it altered.  In other words, we change the clothing. 

What troubles me most is when a person is in the early stages of a relationship, yet still refers to it as work.  In those cases, I think it is important to question the “fit.”  Is the person trying to figure out the world the way a toddler does when given a sorting toy and is trying to put the circle in the triangle?  This causes frustration and anger; once the toddler learns to sort properly, the task is easy.  I believe that relationships are supposed to be easy, too.  They are not supposed to cause us frustration, anger, and upset; they are supposed to replenish us.

If we think of relationships in terms of how they fit us, we can maintain a view that each person involved has qualities.  The question becomes do those qualities fit our needs and do ours fit theirs.  Do the roles we have in other areas of our life fit?  Do our outside interests fit?  Is their mutual respect? Is there a desire in both to make the other happy? Are both willing to maintain separate interests as well as explore mutual interests?  None of this sounds like work to me.  None of it sounds like an onerous chore that must be handled.

It seems much more productive to think about a potential relationship in terms of fit.  Just because an outfit doesn’t fit doesn’t mean it isn’t of good quality.  We can go into a high fashion store and know the material is flawless, but it just doesn’t fit.  Life is like that sometimes.  So is love.

It seems much more productive to think about a long-term relationship in terms of fit.  A favorite item of clothing can bring us comfort over so many periods of our life.  We sometimes find new ways to make it fit our lives.  I cannot stress enough that our relationship with our significant other should feel like that – comfortable, familiar, and adaptable.

When the fit is right, relationships are not work.  They are a place where our emotional reservoir is replenished.

A Complaint Is An Opening

Anxiety, Categorization, Change, Differences, Emotion, Intimacy, Psychology, Relationships, Sociology, Uncategorized, Work-Life Balance, Worry, , , ,

We all feel great after receiving a compliment. It makes us happy and, while we try to stay humble, we might have the urge to share the compliment with cherished family or friends. Compliments, after all, are affirmations of our worth.

Complaints or criticisms, however, rarely make us feel good about ourselves. When we hear one, often our first reaction is upset. Then we add some defensiveness. And for many of us, it ends there; however, we need to learn to work our way to wonder. Why did the person feel that way? What feedback can I get from this? Wonder, then, is the opening to growth.

I will share a recent example. I was teaching an Introduction to Psychology class on Zoom and was enjoying the interaction that had developed among the students. There was an active dialogue, with students sharing orally or in the chat. We were discussing an article about why boys often lose interest in academics. Then, the complaint. One of the students said, “Well, as a man, I can say that I want you to get to the point. Your stories just don’t hold my interest.”

My reaction: immediate upset. Thoughts included: I work so hard to make the material relevant and useful; that was rude; how does he expect me to respond to that accusation? Defensiveness was next. Thoughts included: I have incredible ratings on MyProfessor.com; I have won two awards for Excellence in Teaching, one a statewide award. Who was he to tell me how to teach?

But then, I encouraged myself to move to wonder. Thoughts included: I wonder what kinds of stories would hold his interest; I wonder how many weeks ago he lost interest; I wonder why he still comes to class; I wonder why he felt comfortable sharing his point of view. That was the opening.

Once I recognized that his comment was an invitation for me to engage in a meaningful conversation, the door to growth opened. I embraced the idea that he felt safe enough to criticize me in real time and I was then able to ask how he thought I could improve. We both grew from the exchange of ideas.

I know I’m not alone in my reaction to complaints or criticisms. They are, at their core, feedback. The problem is that so many of us do not know how to provide meaningful feedback. Compliments are easy feedback. The person simply has to tell us what we did right. A complaint or criticism requires that the person includes a suggestion for improvement; it requires that they tell us what they want/need us to do in the future.

Because most people tell us what they don’t want (the complaint) and forget to include what they do want, we tend to go into fight/flight mode, making our response less effective. The fix, however, is to go into “wonder mode”. When I did that, I was able to elicit the feedback I needed from the student. Wonder mode is much more effective that fight/flight mode. It allows us to think and to solve problems.

So, the next time you get some feedback that causes you to feel upset and defensive, try to add the “I wonder.” Say to your supervisor, “I wonder if you can suggest how I can handle that situation next time.” This is a statement that opens a door to growth. The next time your teacher grades an assignment as needs improvement, ask “I wonder if you could offer some advice about what I need to do to improve this grade going forward.” This is a statement that opens a door to growth. The next time your significant other makes a comment that you interpret as a cause for alarm about the health of your relationship ask, “I wonder if there is something I can do to make things better between us.” This is a statement that opens a door to growth, especially if your partner wonders the same.

A complaint is an opening. So, don’t fear it. Instead wonder about it and embrace the opportunity.

He Said, She Said

Intimacy, Psychology, Relationships, Sociology, Uncategorized, , , , , , ,

Words are so interesting.  The first time I realized that the word “sentence” could mean “a group of words that convey meaning” or “what you get when convicted of a crime,” well, I felt my brain explode.  How could a word mean such different things?  English teachers explained the importance of context clues.  We know what the word means because of the surrounding words – the context that the creator has developed. 

In our relationships, we often believe that the shared context is the relationship so the common words we use must mean the same thing to both of us.  We believe that a word has shared meaning and we do not need to check whether or not that is so.  When we are talking to our significant others, we generally feel quite certain that they know what we mean when use a word.

Unfortunately, this is not always the case and these misunderstandings can have negative consequences.  For example, I worked with a couple where the woman had never – in 8 years – said she was sorry.  Over time, he had become convinced that she was indifferent to his feelings; she simply didn’t care if he was hurt.  During a session, she stated quite emphatically, “Why would I say I am sorry?  I NEVER do anything to intentionally hurt him!”  And there it was.  For her, sorry meant she hurt him on purpose and with purpose.  In fact, over that same time period, she had become convinced that he thought she was a terrible person because every time he asked her to say she was sorry, she thought he was saying she had hurt him intentionally.  For him, the word sorry meant, “I know you’re hurt and I wish you weren’t” – it had nothing to do with whether the hurt happened with intent.

Now, think about what the word “commitment” means.  Really think.  How would you define it?

I worked with a couple that had very different interpretations of the word.  They had come in to talk about where their relationship was headed. They had been living together for quite some time.  She said she had begun to question his commitment.  He said, “I’m here aren’t I?” – he felt his actions provided all the evidence of commitment.  Eventually, I gave them each a piece of paper and asked them to write down what the word commitment meant to them.  She wrote three lines “living together, being supportive of individual goals, working toward mutual goals”.  He wrote several paragraphs.  The first began “commitment, being committed.  Being institutionalized.”  He went on to say “Nobody can ask for commitment.  It must be freely given” and added that commitment is a synonym for a trap, a “device meant to capture a living thing, so that it may be subjugated to the control of another entity”.  His focus was on commitment as a method for restricting freedom.  At first glance, these comments certainly seem irreconcilable, making one question if this couple should even be together.  Was this a deal breaker? https://real-matters.com/?p=19

Examining their definitions more closely, though, revealed that their relationship goals were not all that different.  The word commitment had only negative connotations for him, but as we discussed their relationship further, it became very clear that he wanted to spend his life with her; he wanted to make her happy, he wanted everything on her list.   He felt his actions demonstrated that he wanted to live together (he was there, as he had said), they were supportive of individual goals, and they were working toward mutual goals.  She agreed whole-heartedly. 

What they needed was a new language in their relationship. She learned to hear the commitment in his actions and he learned to use his words more often.  They both stopped using the word commitment and learned to see the beauty in the freedom to freely choose to be together.

This couple has been married for many years now.  Every holiday season they send me a card and in it they write, “Still married, but not committed” – makes me smile every time.

What can we all learn from this?  Among other things, we can learn that the assumptions we make about how someone else feels must be shared with them so they can be checked and addressed. We may be wrong about what they are thinking and feeling.  We can learn that the words we say to each other truly matter and that even words that are “common,” words that are used frequently by so many of us, can have very different emotional connotations to them.  When we reflect on the recurring arguments we have with someone who holds a special place in our lives, we might want to look more closely at the words we are using.  We might share our definition of those words and ask for theirs.  We may discover that we have the same goal and it is the words getting in our way, and not the sentiment behind them.

~“Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won’t come in.” ~ Isaac Asimov

The Potential Impact of Social Media

Parenting, Psychology, Relationships, Social Media, Sociology, Uncategorized, ,

Social Media has certainly impacted all of our lives.  It has helped us connect to those far away, it has helped us help each other and mitigate the impact of natural and manmade disasters, it has helped us share the joys of everyday events, grow our businesses, and so much more.  It has also impacted us negatively, making it easier to perpetrate scams, ostracize those who are already marginalized, spread rumors, and provide unrealistic physical and emotional ideals.  After discussing this in class, a student wrote what I found to be a very insightful reflection on the issue.  She graciously agreed to allow me to post it here.  She raised many important issues and I look forward to a lively dialogue via your comments. 

The Potential Impact of Social Media ~ Raquel Weinberg

When we discussed social phobia as well as the adverse affects of social media and technology in the beginning of the class, I was at first reminded of the children I babysit who I find more and more to be obsessed with their devices. Whenever I see this, I am always reminded of myself at their age (5 & 8) I think about how at the time I had no clue what the Internet really was and phones were completely off my radar (forget about iPads!).

I often times find myself confused by the world that is social media. As someone who grew up sort of on the cusp of social media becoming “a thing” it’s very interesting as well as alienating to have experienced and to be able to objectively see both sides. On one hand I can clearly remember a time before social media, when all my friends would talk to each other face to face, and there was no guess-work when it came to relationships. What you saw was what you got. However, I was in middle school when social media really took off (when Facebook suddenly wasn’t just for college aged kids) and navigating the social environment suddenly became a whole lot more complicated. All of a sudden people could say one thing in person and a completely different thing online, and the discrepancy between the two “personas” was (and still is) strange to me.

We talked about how though we have social media now and all these means for connection, we are somehow more disconnected as ever. I think social media plays such a huge role in this because no one is authentically themselves online (or at the very least it is rare). Everyone wants to portray the most perfect version of themselves (stemming back to the real vs. ideal selves) and because social media allows us to create these “ideal” versions of ourselves, I think many people get caught up in that fantasy. It becomes an addiction; people love the attention this “ideal internet persona” that they’ve created brings them. The likes, the fans, in some cases money, are all incentive to continue falsifying their lives, but at what cost?

I believe that because we are not portraying our “real” selves online, that we as people are consequently unable to form meaningful and true relationships through social media. Because we are not speaking to that person, we are speaking instead to the persona this person has created that they think others will like better. In the end however, all we are met with is a phony mask, void of any real depth because it is not really them.

And I believe that because of the lack of sincerity behind these social media masks we put on each day, that people are alienated by their interactions in everyday life. In real life, they do not receive the mindless praise for the things they would online. But also they then no longer know how they should act in reality vs. social media. We have learned how to have conversations between personas, not conversations between people.

This is a topic I’m really passionate about because although I do believe that social media, when used properly, is an amazing tool (really truly amazing), it is also completely rotting us as a society. Our priorities are completely skewed; we idolize people who take deals from companies to sell garbage to their impressionable fans. Hype creators who put their lives and others at risk for the sake of a picture of video. And what are we learning from this as a society? What are kids growing up today learning? It’s truly frightening where we have allowed this to go.

Changes in Direction

Change, Differences, Education, Parenting, Psychology, Relationships, Uncategorized, ,

I have spoken at many PTA meetings and it is always my routine to get there early so I can connect with the audience before the talk begins.  I often get to listen in on the executive committee meetings that precede these talks.  On one particular occasion, the committee was discussing purchasing planners for the elementary school children and they were emphasizing that the planners needed to have an area for daily, weekly, and monthly goals so the children could learn to work toward long-term career goals.

I remember thinking “why?”  Why must 5 year olds learn to document the steps they must take to reach a goal? I mean, I do understand that they must learn to make a commitment, to learn follow-through, and to keep a promise.  But, they must also learn that it is important to learn to zig-zag a little, to find a new way to a goal or to find a new goal all together.  In essence, it is important to learn it’s okay to change direction – in our goals, in our relationships, and in our careers.

There is ample evidence that people are somewhat programmed to “stay the path”.  Gestalt psychologists demonstrated the principle of continuity.  In terms of vision, it refers to the tendency to perceive an object based on the least number of changes in direction.  For example, it is easier to see “X” as two intersecting lines than to see it as two “Vs”, one on top of the other (four changes in direction) or four open-ended triangles.  All of those are possible, but two lines – the fewest possible changes in direction – are the easiest to see. 

As a principle of social psychology, continuity refers to not changing your mind about something or someone.  In general, it takes us about 20 seconds to form an opinion of someone; after that, we tend to seek evidence that confirms our initial opinion.  We can change our minds, of course, but it takes a considerable amount of disconfirming evidence for us to do so. 

If our first impression is that someone is nice, and then they do something hurtful, we tend to make an excuse for their behavior.  We will say, “everyone messes up sometimes,” or “I’m sure they didn’t mean it.”  If, however, our first impression is that someone is not a good person and they do something nice, we will often look at that act as a manipulation of some kind.  We will say things like, “I’m sure they had an ulterior motive for doing that.”

Continuity, as one can see from these examples, can impact our relationships.  We might stay in a relationship too long because we cannot change our mind; we cannot accept the disconfirming evidence coming our way.  We might continue to treat our children as, well, children, rather than as the adults they have become.  We might treat our parents as self-sufficient when they have, in fact, become frail with age.  We might miss opportunities to allow our relationship to grow because we do not see the changes that our significant other is experiencing.  Our experiences (school, work, travel, people we meet) change us every day; unfortunately, continuity can blind us to seeing those changes in ourselves or in others. 

Continuity might also prevent us from changing our career path.  Which brings us back to that PTA meeting.  Some of the adults were very concerned that children learn to set realistic goals.  They did not want them to pursue goals such as becoming a princess or a Ninja Turtle or a singer or a ballerina.  The adults, of course, were looking at the job market.  I hear those same arguments on the larger societal level where colleges are considering dropping majors in history, philosophy, and many social sciences because the job market in those areas are not as robust as in STEM programs. 

While this is true, it is also true that many great accomplishments come from the passionate person who pursues a dream, regardless of the odds against achieving it.  Sometimes it is the zig-zag of life that allows disparate experiences to gel into a unique niche within a career.  Perhaps the child who wants to be a princess becomes a leader in industry.  Perhaps the Ninja Turtle becomes a Marine or a law enforcement person, or a firefighter.  Perhaps the singer becomes a mathematician who works with the fractions that were once musical notes.  Perhaps it is the switching between and among dreams that lets us find the one that will bring meaning to our lives.

So many students in my classes tell me that they cannot change their career plans.  They have invested too much money and time into the goal.  They are already unhappy with the choice, but they continue in the pursuit.  I hear couples in a relationship saying they are already 30 so starting over with someone else is not possible.  I hear older people saying they have lived somewhere “forever” and that if they move, they will become disoriented.  I hear young children say they will “never” be good in school. 

What seems true to me is that whenever you feel like you are walking in quicksand, when each step you take requires more energy than you have, that is when it is time to consider changing direction.  It is time to consider that the other path might be the “right” one for you, the one that allows you to step lightly and feel enthusiasm.  It is not a sign of failure to change direction; it is sign that you are open-minded enough to consider all of the evidence (confirming and disconfirming) and brave enough to begin anew.

Empty Nest or New Beginnings

Intimacy, Parenting, Psychology, Relationships, Uncategorized, , ,

I know so many couples starting out – moving in together, getting married. Interestingly, no one refers to them as empty nesters or asks them “How do feel now that you are empty nesters?” Yet, that is the most frequently asked question posed to their parents.

Rather than focusing on new beginnings and possibilities, as we do for couples starting out, the phrase “empty nest” causes parents to focus on the end of the family they grew and, hopefully, enjoyed. Empty, by definition, means, “containing nothing; not occupied or inhabited…lacking…substance, meaning, or value”. “Empty nest” implies a loss of some kind, an ending, a finality.

By including the phrase “empty nest” in the question, it almost demands a somewhat negative response. The word empty requires that the person responding address the connotation of the word. In other words, when people ask how one is adjusting to the “empty nest” it begs a response of how one is coping with some loss. Home is no longer full. Life is no longer full. The relationship with your significant other is lacking. Nothing is left. Generally, people respond in variations of “We’re adjusting,” “It’s much more quiet now,” or “I didn’t expect to miss them, but I do.”

Now that we’ve mused over the concept of empty, let’s think about the symbolism of the nest. Initially, one typically pictures a nest filled with baby birds chirping for their parents to feed them. But, before that picture can become a reality, one of two things had to happen. Either (1) birds built a brand new nest or (2) birds took over an abandoned nest. So the overall imagery is creating, building, filling. Abandoned nests are reclaimed and given new life. That is the symbolism that is much more relevant to human “empty nesters”; they are recreating their nest and repurposing it for their future life.

The nest symbolism is quite relevant. When we start out, we don’t focus on the nest we are leaving; rather, we focus on the nest we are building. The nest is not empty; it is filled with the love we have for each other. Over the years, we continued to fill the nest, with memories, with dreams created, fulfilled, or modified. We filled it with hopes, wishes, laughter, sadness, tears, surprises, fears, remorse, gratitude, friendships, and more and more opportunities for love.

When our lives have been so full, how can the nest ever be empty? Why would we suddenly wonder if our new life would be one “containing nothing; not occupied or inhabited…lacking…substance, meaning, or value”?

Clearly, when people ask, “How do feel now that you are empty nesters?” they do not intend to cause any sadness. Many probably hope they will hear about the “relief” of having our children leave or the pride in their ability to “fly on their own”. If that is what we actually want to hear about, then ask about their favorite memories of their life to this point, and their hopes, dreams, wishes, and plans for the future.

Let us help them repurpose their nest and remember that a nest can never be empty when it has been built from so many fulfilled dreams, so many goals for the present, and so many hopes for the future.

Just Because You Can Doesn’t Mean You Should

Intimacy, Parenting, Psychology, Relationships, Uncategorized, ,

Every psychological theory deals with our search for pleasure, our quest to satisfy the urges that society tries to keep in check. There are so many times in life when an opportunity arises that allows us to do something that we know is not quite right. When those circumstances arise, we are forced to confront our own morality; we either choose to “stay the course” or we create a series of justifications that allow us to do the very thing we “know” is not right.

As children, these choices are fairly innocuous. They might involve taking a cookie before dinner. Sometimes children follow the rules. Sometimes they justify – “It was only one cookie,” or “I was really hungry and I promise I will eat dinner anyway,” or “You are so mean!” Another choice a child might confront is staying up reading a book under the covers even though it’s time for lights out. Again, one might follow the rule. One might create justifications – “I was at a really good part and I had to finish it,” or “I’m not tired anyway!” These seem innocent, but really, it’s a difficult moral dilemma for a child: do I follow the rule or do what I want?

As we get older, the internal conflict is the same. We apply the age appropriate cognitive and emotional strategies we have to the problem and settle on our solution to it. What changes, however, is the level of risk associated with the choice we make. The risk involves how the choice impacts our sense of self – the way we think about ourselves. It also involves the consequences that society may impose on us if we are caught breaking the rule.

Let’s explore the idea of “because you can” a bit more. There are many activities that represent a minimal risk for getting caught. For example, people drive over the speed limit all the time; they rarely think they are doing anything wrong and are often angry when caught and given a speeding ticket. After all, why can cars go 100 mph if we are supposed to drive 25mph on a city street? It is not until someone is seriously injured that society reminds us that this speed rule exists for a reason – to keep others and us as safe as possible. So, just because we can speed doesn’t mean we should speed.

People who work in offices often take home office supplies.   Sometimes this is accidental and sometimes it is intentional. Taking home a few pens/pencils, paperclips or whatever is justified by “I work long hours and I don’t get paid enough” or “It’s just a stapler, it doesn’t cost the company anything,” or “everyone does it.” The justifications tell us that we know it is wrong – we know we should not – but we are going to do it anyway because we can.

An older child might face a choice regarding whether or not to cheat on an exam; an adult might face a choice regarding whether or not to cheat on their partner. The justifications created are often quite similar: “I had to cheat because (everyone else cheats, the situation was unfair, no one understands me and the stress I’m under). The choice to cheat can impact the sense of self in changing the way we think about ourselves (honest/dishonest or smart/less smart). The consequences if caught by society can be similar as well – some type of ostracism (detention/expulsion; separation/divorce).

All of these scenarios are examples of moral dilemmas that challenge us to consider whether we should or should not do something and each decision could affect our sense of self.

A quick rule of thumb for evaluating how we will feel after a decision is the number of justifications we need to create. The more justifications created, the more uncomfortable we are with our potential decision. Some justifications are Freudian in nature; we justify our Id impulses by determining that our pleasure is more important than someone else’s or that it is acceptable to gain our pleasure at the expense of another’s pain. Some justifications are cognitive and are based on our irrational thinking that “everyone” is doing it or would do it or that we are the “only one” not engaging in this behavior. Some justifications are behaviorist in nature; the reward is the only consideration. If we can get the reward while avoiding the punishment then we will do the action. Finally, some justifications are humanist in nature. A humanist justification is best understood by rephrasing the “should” to a want or need. If one says I should cheat on my significant other, the justifications flow more easily than if one says I want/need to cheat on my significant other. The word choice helps clarify not only the problem, but the motivation and emotion behind it.

The long and short of it: it is not always easy to look ourselves in the mirror after we choose to do something simply because we could. So, don’t do something because you can, do it because it’s right for you.

Love Them the Way They Want

Differences, Intimacy, Psychology, Relationships, Uncategorized,

I opened my eyes and my husband immediately cheered, “Happy Birthday!”

I love birthdays and he knows that. I know, however, that he is not one who enjoys celebrating his own birthday; he does not like anyone to make a fuss. He would not like it if I greeted him like that on his birthday.  His enthusiasm for my birthday, however, was not fake; it was a reflection of his willingness to love me the way I want and need to be loved.

It took me a long time to realize how important it is to love someone the way they want to be loved. Most of us just assume that everyone wants to be loved the way we want to be, but that is simply not the case. If a relationship is going to last long-term, we need to accept the way a person is able to love us and we have to do our best to love them the way they want to be loved. If all parties are on board with this idea, it is a really beautiful thing.

Examples are definitely needed now. I have worked with couples that argue over texting. She might complain that he does not text her when he wakes up in the morning, or does not text often enough (or quickly enough) during the day. He responds that he doesn’t have the kind of job that allows him to text often. Underneath this discussion is her desire to be loved through attentiveness and his desire to have her love for him expressed through trust that he is thinking of her even if he is not texting her. He needs to give her that morning text (to love her the way she wants to be loved) and she needs to accept fewer texts during the day (to love him the way he needs to be loved – by demonstrating trust that she is in his thoughts).

Another couple ostensibly argues over money, but they are really arguing over how they want to be loved. He works two jobs so he can save for the house he thinks she deserves. She complains that she never sees him. She doesn’t see that he is expressing his love for her through his commitment to earning and saving money. He doesn’t see that she can’t envision their life in that home if it does not include spending time with him along the way. They both need to value the way the other person loves them – and they need to do their best to love their partner in the way he/she wants to be loved. He needs to ask if she really wants that house he thinks she deserves; it may be what she really wants is his time. She needs to ask how she can reduce the pressure he puts on himself or how she can help him be able to spend more time with her.

One person wants flowers; another wants cards. One person wants words; another wants actions. One person wants expensive gifts; another wants homemade gifts. The key is to recognize the message in whatever its form takes. One must recognize that the person is telling us “I love you” – they are just sometimes doing it in the way they want to be loved. If they can’t (or won’t change that), and you can’t (or don’t want to) accept the way they love, then the relationship is likely to be rocky and unsatisfying at best.

This concept extends beyond couples; it involves parents and children too. Issues with sons and daughters-in-law often revolve around family differences in how love is expressed. One family expresses love by cooking meals; another by taking people out for dinner. One expresses love by refraining from giving advice; another by giving advice. One expresses love by telling their children “You’re on your own”; another by saying, “No matter what, we will be here for you.”   One expresses love by praising their children; others by giving them money. One expresses love by babysitting; another by buying toys. If we misunderstand the way love is expressed, we can begin to resent the other person, thinking them cold, indifferent, or intrusive. Just because it is not the way we want to be loved, does not mean the other person is not expressing love. They are simply expressing it the only way they know how.

The key to this is communicating with each other about how you want to be loved – and listening to the other person. I was teaching a class recently and I was discussing this idea. One of my students added that his wife had always told him all she really wanted for their anniversary was a homemade card. He said, “So this year, I took her up on it. I drew a card with a heart on it. I drew two stick figures inside and said they were the two of us. She loved it! I don’t know why it took me 33 years to listen to her words.”

I just loved that story. There was such honesty and genuineness and universality in it. There was such optimism in it. It is never to late to love another in the way they want and need to be loved.

A Note to the Nurturers, On Mother’s Day

Mother's Day, Parenting, Psychology, Relationships, Siblings, Sociology, Uncategorized, , , , , ,

On Mother’s Day, I get nostalgic. I think about the very first time I held my first-born. I think about how it was just as wonderful to hold my second child for the first time. I think about how heavenly it was to hold them as toddlers, to feel their head on my shoulder, to listen to their breathing as they slept, to hear them laugh as they played. I think about how breathtaking it has been to see them venture out on their own.

Many years ago, while they were still very young, I wrote: Parenting is a journey that takes us from total responsibility for another person, to the development of a responsible person. I am proud to say I’ve developed two responsible human beings and am enjoying their adulthood very much. Going by my statement from many years ago, it would seem my journey is complete, but really, as parents, we know it never is.

I know I will always feel a part of their continuing development, but now, I also focus on how they helped me grow. They developed me in concrete ways (they are my go-to tech group…I’m certain I will always need them for that!). They developed me emotionally. They kept me young at heart. They kept me playful and joyful. They added to my compassion. They guided my understanding of complex social and political issues. They opened my eyes and heart to new ideas, new people, and new adventures. And they continue to help me grow in all those ways.

As I think of all of this, I also think about the many forms that parenthood takes. There are the other family members who nurtured them and helped them become who they are. Clearly this includes grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. It includes friends who chose to become family. It includes co-workers who guided and mentored them when I could not; who shared professional knowledge with them and helped to nurture their careers.

So, on Mother’s Day I celebrate all the people who help develop us, who nurture us, who help us face and conquer the “next” stage of our lives. Parenting, after all, is not biological. Parenting is a choice. It is the choice to nurture someone else. It is the choice to help someone else achieve his or her potential.

To all of you who have nurtured someone in some way, thank you. Happy Parenting Day!

“The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction not a destination” ~Carl Rogers ~

When Sex and Intimacy Got a Divorce

Equality, Intimacy, Psychology, Relationships, Sociology, Uncategorized, , , ,

As far as I can recall, the separation began in the 1960s. Women’s liberation was making its mark. Women took off their bras, declared that they were more than their bodies, and demanded true equality in the workplace and at home. These were wonderful truths and wonderful goals. Women were ready to move from a norm where sex was a male prerogative and they were simply there to please the men they married. We were ready to move away from the imbalance of power between the sexes. Again, a very good goal.

The difficulty with any social change is that to change we focus on the extremes. The horror, the injustice, moves us to fix the problem. What is lost in the process is the fact that most of us do not live on the extremes; our lives are more normal than that. So, while the stated norm was that sex was a male prerogative there were always men and women who were eager to satisfy each other’s sexual needs and recognized that their own pleasure was enhanced by pleasing their partner (whether opposite sex partner or same sex partner). In reality, just as it is today, the balance of power was not a giant divide, but a place where control shifts from side and side and where each member has responsibility for the actions they take. Men are not always the enemy, women are not always the victims; we all make choices and our choices have consequences that impact us in the moment and in our futures.

While it may seem I have digressed, I hope you will now see the connection. The focus on the extremes led us, I think, to a new extreme – to a place where the norm is that sex is an activity one can engage in solely for pleasure, divorced from intimacy. Early on in the separation process, I began to hear of the “three date rule” (you have sex by the third date or you stop dating that person). Now, of course, there are apps where you simply pick a person based on their looks, “hook up”, and resume your life as it was before the act of fulfilling your need for physical pleasure. In sessions, I meet men and women who feel embarrassed that they want more from sex than that; they want to feel a connection.   I think the embarrassment stems from the shift to this new extreme and the fact that our focus became intercourse (sex) rather than sexuality.

Sexuality involves intimacy. It involves familiarity with the other person, knowledge of and an understanding of that person, a feeling of affection for them, and at its deepest level, a feeling of love for them. Sexuality is a term that encompasses values, body image, sense of self, and self-respect, as well as intercourse. This broader definition brings trust, caring, concern, warmth, and connection back into the equation.

Our power – our control over our bodies and our lives – lies in our sexuality, not in our ability to have sex without intimacy. It lies in our ability to trust our partner, to know that they are looking out for our pleasure (as we are looking out for theirs). It lies in our willingness to be vulnerable – because vulnerability in a trusting relationship allows us to not only be genuine, but to move out of our comfort zone and to grow. Our power lies in our ability to give consent based on our values, our body image, our sense of self, and our self-respect. Our power lies in knowing that our value to the other person does not rest on what we do in this moment, but in the fact that our partner knows and understands us, values us, and that their affection and/or love is not based on the moment, but on our history and our future. Our power rests in knowing that a “no” does not mean our time together is over.

I do hope that sex and intimacy reconcile. For it is in that reconciliation that true pleasure is found.