Words are so interesting. The first time I realized that the word “sentence” could mean “a group of words that convey meaning” or “what you get when convicted of a crime,” well, I felt my brain explode. How could a word mean such different things? English teachers explained the importance of context clues. We know what the word means because of the surrounding words – the context that the creator has developed.
In our relationships, we often believe that the shared context is the relationship so the common words we use must mean the same thing to both of us. We believe that a word has shared meaning and we do not need to check whether or not that is so. When we are talking to our significant others, we generally feel quite certain that they know what we mean when use a word.
Unfortunately, this is not always the case and these misunderstandings can have negative consequences. For example, I worked with a couple where the woman had never – in 8 years – said she was sorry. Over time, he had become convinced that she was indifferent to his feelings; she simply didn’t care if he was hurt. During a session, she stated quite emphatically, “Why would I say I am sorry? I NEVER do anything to intentionally hurt him!” And there it was. For her, sorry meant she hurt him on purpose and with purpose. In fact, over that same time period, she had become convinced that he thought she was a terrible person because every time he asked her to say she was sorry, she thought he was saying she had hurt him intentionally. For him, the word sorry meant, “I know you’re hurt and I wish you weren’t” – it had nothing to do with whether the hurt happened with intent.
Now, think about what the word “commitment” means. Really think. How would you define it?
I worked with a couple that had very different interpretations of the word. They had come in to talk about where their relationship was headed. They had been living together for quite some time. She said she had begun to question his commitment. He said, “I’m here aren’t I?” – he felt his actions provided all the evidence of commitment. Eventually, I gave them each a piece of paper and asked them to write down what the word commitment meant to them. She wrote three lines “living together, being supportive of individual goals, working toward mutual goals”. He wrote several paragraphs. The first began “commitment, being committed. Being institutionalized.” He went on to say “Nobody can ask for commitment. It must be freely given” and added that commitment is a synonym for a trap, a “device meant to capture a living thing, so that it may be subjugated to the control of another entity”. His focus was on commitment as a method for restricting freedom. At first glance, these comments certainly seem irreconcilable, making one question if this couple should even be together. Was this a deal breaker? https://real-matters.com/?p=19
Examining their definitions more closely, though, revealed that their relationship goals were not all that different. The word commitment had only negative connotations for him, but as we discussed their relationship further, it became very clear that he wanted to spend his life with her; he wanted to make her happy, he wanted everything on her list. He felt his actions demonstrated that he wanted to live together (he was there, as he had said), they were supportive of individual goals, and they were working toward mutual goals. She agreed whole-heartedly.
What they needed was a new language in their relationship. She learned to hear the commitment in his actions and he learned to use his words more often. They both stopped using the word commitment and learned to see the beauty in the freedom to freely choose to be together.
This couple has been married for many years now. Every holiday season they send me a card and in it they write, “Still married, but not committed” – makes me smile every time.
What can we all learn from this? Among other things, we can learn that the assumptions we make about how someone else feels must be shared with them so they can be checked and addressed. We may be wrong about what they are thinking and feeling. We can learn that the words we say to each other truly matter and that even words that are “common,” words that are used frequently by so many of us, can have very different emotional connotations to them. When we reflect on the recurring arguments we have with someone who holds a special place in our lives, we might want to look more closely at the words we are using. We might share our definition of those words and ask for theirs. We may discover that we have the same goal and it is the words getting in our way, and not the sentiment behind them.
~“Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won’t come in.” ~ Isaac Asimov
I really liked this post because i’ve never really thought about people having different definitions of words before. usually it’s just one universal definition that you would find in a textbook. Thinking about it now words can have millions of different definitions and interpretations and especially different when context and how and the way that words are said.
A very interesting post, which provides a different point of view on the perception of an individual no matter what their background is. It makes me wonder how many times we can make the wrong assumption on a topic without even realizing it.
Beautiful blog the whole blog captures my attention with how other people think words are described and what everything means to other people. People describing sentence and what it means to them was written beautifully. It’s interesting that so many people have such different definitions and I think a lot more relationships can be fixed by just talking it out and seeing what the other person wants. I love the part about committing and how it’s a way of trapping people. Because too many people nowadays want commitment and think their partner doesn’t. When they most likely do they just don’t know how to describe it. The whole piece overall is very interesting and makes me aware of what others might want but don’t know thing the words mean the same.
This was mind blowing and for the couple and commitment I’m glad they are learning the key differences with commitment as I sometimes struggle with it myself. As for the one that never used sorry for unintentional pain, school must have been different for her. I had to apologize when things weren’t even my fault. But most certainly I’m glad that I read this, I can view these words more openly with deeper meaning.
A student wrote a reflection on this post and said, “I thoroughly enjoy your blog posts and I know I have said this before, but, everytime I read one I gain knowledge and ‘life insight’ if you will. For this reaction paper I want to focus on your blog post He Said, She Said. I think everyone experiences misunderstandings and bad communication throughout their lives. First off, reading the very first paragraph of the blog is really engaging. The word sentences multiple meanings have nothing to do with each other yet they are spelt the same way. After reading the blog post it just makes me wonder about how many times I have misunderstood something or taken something the wrong way just because each person looks at a word and defines it in their own way. This also makes me want to be more careful with what I say and try not to take things the wrong way. It is sometimes hard to pinpoint when you and your significant other are misunderstanding each other and not actually disagreeing. That can cause unnecessary arguments and I know that a lot of arguments in my personal life have been misunderstandings and not disagreements. Every person interprets things in their own way and we assume we know what another person means and what they feel when we may not. A main takeaway that I want to have from this blog post is the very last sentence, “We may discover that we have the same goal and it is the words getting in our way, and not the sentiment behind them.” Digging deeper and asking what a person means when they use a specific word can lead you to realize that you have the same intention. You were just expressing yourselves differently. Sharing personal definitions as you did in the therapy session made a huge difference and led them to realize they were actually on the same page the entire time. They just thought of the word differently. This article really got me thinking and contemplating past arguments and if they could have been misunderstandings. We need to assume less and actually ask what the other person means.”
“He Said, She Said” was a very interesting read for me because I eventually want to be a marriage counselor so the little examples definitely helped me to better understand what it consists of. A sentence that really stood out to me was ”They both stopped using the word commitment and learned to see the beauty in the freedom to freely choose to be together.” I never really thought about how negative the word “commitment” really sounded. I always had a tendency to say commitment is scary to me but when this married couple described it as “freely choosing to be together” it didn’t sound so scary after all. Usually when people use the word “commitment” whether it be in a relationship, job or just running errands it always sounds like there’s no way out of it which can bring me some anxiety and I’m sure it does the same for others. Overall, this was a great read because it shows how differently we can all interpret words and even tones. Some people can easily pick up on a changed tone and think something is wrong while others might just talk that way and think nothing of it. I think it’s important to communicate about our feelings and interpretations instead of keeping it inside because once you can understand how someone thinks it is much easier to to avoid conflicts or misunderstandings.
After reading this article of she said, he said, which was about how people interpret the same words in different manners. I learn that sometimes we could say a word to another person and depending on the person point of view, it could have a totally different meaning or interpretation for them. For example, the word “sorry” and “commitment” which are two everyday common words without the proper conjunction in a sentence it could have a totally different interpretation for certain individuals. We also must think about the person background, when it comes to conveying a message to them, since we all have different experience in life and words could have different meaning for interpretation. For some people, the word sorry is very sensitive and for others it just a simple term used to be excused or forgiven. Like when someone just bump into another person, that person will probably say “sorry” if it was not intentionally or “my fault” and keep moving. It is the believe that sorry should be used only for certain times when pain or suffering is involved. I find this article very interesting and helpful.
Hello Diane, “he said, she said” is a very interesting blog, people say English is a very hard language to learn, so, after your blog describing the same word in very different contexts they may be right. People do get hurt, and can be misunderstood by our talking sessions that have replaced the conversations we used to have, and has created an unseen distance in our relationships.. We’ve come to accept things as normal ( she/he knows what I mean). It makes you look at the true value of having conversations with others as oppose to taking each other for granted as if we know they know. Conversations can erase the unseen distance created by the lack of explanations when discussing things we are going through with our loved one.
Dr. Urban, this was actually a very moving story for me. I find it incredible that you can work with such amazing people and get to change their lives. I have to say after I read this, I got a better perspective on my own relationship. It made me think of similar situations I’ve had with my significant other and also made me realize I should be more understanding and try to listen to the deeper message of what they’re trying to say sometimes, especially when upset. I love how they still send you cards from time to time saying that they’re “still married but not committed”. It’s amazing how people can have different definition’s of word, and how this can turn into misunderstandings. Overall I think it is important for people to take into consideration what people are trying to say even though we may not understand it at first.