Category Archives: Parenting

Discussing Real Matters – Zoom with Dr. Urban

Anxiety, Books/Reading, Education, Literature, Parenting, Psychology, Relationships, Sociology, Uncategorized, Worry

MANAGING STRESS AND ANXIETY

If worry is so bad for us, why do we all do it? What value does it have? What is its relationship to stress? What do stress and worry do for us as individuals and as members of the collective of humankind?

Join me for an hour-long online discussion via Zoom at 7PM on Tuesday, March 16th. We will discuss various strategies for ensuring that we control stress and worry rather than allowing them to control us.  Since children’s authors know how to put a humorous spin on human behavior, we will read about worry from the perspective of Owl Babies by Martin Waddell and explore the psychological treasures hidden within it.

The fee is $5.00 for one person; $10.00 for 2 or more, payable in advance via Venmo (@Diane-Urban-5)  RSVP requested by 5PM on 3/14.

When you reply, please use the link below:
https://forms.gle/Ugizs82NV8p5Y4Jo7
On the bottom of the form please include your answers to the questions: What are the major stressors in your life? What are you most worried about? What are the major stressors in the lives of those you care about? Do you have a “go to” strategy for calming your worries? 

If you are not familiar with Owl Babies, you can take a look at it via this links:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPQRiSTYFHo

Discussing Real Matters – Zoom with Dr. Urban

Books/Reading, Education, Literature, Parenting, Psychology, Relationships, Sociology, Uncategorized

Sleep Like A Baby

Children’s authors know how to put a humorous spin on why we humans sometimes have a difficult time falling asleep.  They also have a knack for simplifying sound psychological principles. Since sleep issues are increasing, I thought it would be fun to discuss what we could all learn from some classic books. Join me for an hour-long online discussion via Zoom at 7PM on Tuesday, January 19th. We will discuss such books as Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown and Dad! I Can’t Sleep! by Michael Forman.  If you are not familiar with these books, you can take a look at them via these links: https://www.readstoriesforkids.com/Goodnight-Moon.html and https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=230752381400802

The books will be our path to discussing real matters; the path to real matters will hopefully bring us all a little joy.

The fee is $5.00 for one person; $10.00 for 2 or more, payable in advance via Venmo (@Diane-Urban-5) RSVP requested by 5PM on 1/18  RSVP via this link: https://forms.gle/WBxUkRdrzEmndu7W8 When you respond, include your answers to these question: Why do you think you are having trouble falling or staying asleep? What is the best advice you ever got as a child or gave to a child about falling asleep?

Looking forward to seeing you!!!

Discussing Real Matters – Zoom with Dr. Urban

Books/Reading, Education, Parenting, Psychology, Relationships, Sociology, Uncategorized

Heads or Tales? The Psychology Hidden in Our Favorite Children’s Books

Children’s books are designed to teach children how to handle everyday situations such as handling frustration, taking responsibility, making choices, and having fun. In other words, they teach the skills we will employ throughout our adult lives.  Heads or Tales will explore how these “simple” books incorporate psychological theories and can tell us a great deal about our underlying beliefs about human nature.

Join me for an hour-long online discussion via Zoom at 7PM on Tuesday, September 29th. We will read The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein. If you’re not familiar with the book, you can take a look at it here: https://www.slideshare.net/wicaksana/the-giving-tree-3293089

The book will be our path to discussing real matters; the path to real matters will hopefully bring us all a little joy.

The fee is $5.00 for one; $10.00 for 2 or more, payable in advance via Venmo (@Diane-Urban-5)  

Please RSVP here: https://forms.gle/6HQ8owueD2s9U8c86

The Potential Impact of Social Media

Parenting, Psychology, Relationships, Social Media, Sociology, Uncategorized, ,

Social Media has certainly impacted all of our lives.  It has helped us connect to those far away, it has helped us help each other and mitigate the impact of natural and manmade disasters, it has helped us share the joys of everyday events, grow our businesses, and so much more.  It has also impacted us negatively, making it easier to perpetrate scams, ostracize those who are already marginalized, spread rumors, and provide unrealistic physical and emotional ideals.  After discussing this in class, a student wrote what I found to be a very insightful reflection on the issue.  She graciously agreed to allow me to post it here.  She raised many important issues and I look forward to a lively dialogue via your comments. 

The Potential Impact of Social Media ~ Raquel Weinberg

When we discussed social phobia as well as the adverse affects of social media and technology in the beginning of the class, I was at first reminded of the children I babysit who I find more and more to be obsessed with their devices. Whenever I see this, I am always reminded of myself at their age (5 & 8) I think about how at the time I had no clue what the Internet really was and phones were completely off my radar (forget about iPads!).

I often times find myself confused by the world that is social media. As someone who grew up sort of on the cusp of social media becoming “a thing” it’s very interesting as well as alienating to have experienced and to be able to objectively see both sides. On one hand I can clearly remember a time before social media, when all my friends would talk to each other face to face, and there was no guess-work when it came to relationships. What you saw was what you got. However, I was in middle school when social media really took off (when Facebook suddenly wasn’t just for college aged kids) and navigating the social environment suddenly became a whole lot more complicated. All of a sudden people could say one thing in person and a completely different thing online, and the discrepancy between the two “personas” was (and still is) strange to me.

We talked about how though we have social media now and all these means for connection, we are somehow more disconnected as ever. I think social media plays such a huge role in this because no one is authentically themselves online (or at the very least it is rare). Everyone wants to portray the most perfect version of themselves (stemming back to the real vs. ideal selves) and because social media allows us to create these “ideal” versions of ourselves, I think many people get caught up in that fantasy. It becomes an addiction; people love the attention this “ideal internet persona” that they’ve created brings them. The likes, the fans, in some cases money, are all incentive to continue falsifying their lives, but at what cost?

I believe that because we are not portraying our “real” selves online, that we as people are consequently unable to form meaningful and true relationships through social media. Because we are not speaking to that person, we are speaking instead to the persona this person has created that they think others will like better. In the end however, all we are met with is a phony mask, void of any real depth because it is not really them.

And I believe that because of the lack of sincerity behind these social media masks we put on each day, that people are alienated by their interactions in everyday life. In real life, they do not receive the mindless praise for the things they would online. But also they then no longer know how they should act in reality vs. social media. We have learned how to have conversations between personas, not conversations between people.

This is a topic I’m really passionate about because although I do believe that social media, when used properly, is an amazing tool (really truly amazing), it is also completely rotting us as a society. Our priorities are completely skewed; we idolize people who take deals from companies to sell garbage to their impressionable fans. Hype creators who put their lives and others at risk for the sake of a picture of video. And what are we learning from this as a society? What are kids growing up today learning? It’s truly frightening where we have allowed this to go.

Changes in Direction

Change, Differences, Education, Parenting, Psychology, Relationships, Uncategorized, ,

I have spoken at many PTA meetings and it is always my routine to get there early so I can connect with the audience before the talk begins.  I often get to listen in on the executive committee meetings that precede these talks.  On one particular occasion, the committee was discussing purchasing planners for the elementary school children and they were emphasizing that the planners needed to have an area for daily, weekly, and monthly goals so the children could learn to work toward long-term career goals.

I remember thinking “why?”  Why must 5 year olds learn to document the steps they must take to reach a goal? I mean, I do understand that they must learn to make a commitment, to learn follow-through, and to keep a promise.  But, they must also learn that it is important to learn to zig-zag a little, to find a new way to a goal or to find a new goal all together.  In essence, it is important to learn it’s okay to change direction – in our goals, in our relationships, and in our careers.

There is ample evidence that people are somewhat programmed to “stay the path”.  Gestalt psychologists demonstrated the principle of continuity.  In terms of vision, it refers to the tendency to perceive an object based on the least number of changes in direction.  For example, it is easier to see “X” as two intersecting lines than to see it as two “Vs”, one on top of the other (four changes in direction) or four open-ended triangles.  All of those are possible, but two lines – the fewest possible changes in direction – are the easiest to see. 

As a principle of social psychology, continuity refers to not changing your mind about something or someone.  In general, it takes us about 20 seconds to form an opinion of someone; after that, we tend to seek evidence that confirms our initial opinion.  We can change our minds, of course, but it takes a considerable amount of disconfirming evidence for us to do so. 

If our first impression is that someone is nice, and then they do something hurtful, we tend to make an excuse for their behavior.  We will say, “everyone messes up sometimes,” or “I’m sure they didn’t mean it.”  If, however, our first impression is that someone is not a good person and they do something nice, we will often look at that act as a manipulation of some kind.  We will say things like, “I’m sure they had an ulterior motive for doing that.”

Continuity, as one can see from these examples, can impact our relationships.  We might stay in a relationship too long because we cannot change our mind; we cannot accept the disconfirming evidence coming our way.  We might continue to treat our children as, well, children, rather than as the adults they have become.  We might treat our parents as self-sufficient when they have, in fact, become frail with age.  We might miss opportunities to allow our relationship to grow because we do not see the changes that our significant other is experiencing.  Our experiences (school, work, travel, people we meet) change us every day; unfortunately, continuity can blind us to seeing those changes in ourselves or in others. 

Continuity might also prevent us from changing our career path.  Which brings us back to that PTA meeting.  Some of the adults were very concerned that children learn to set realistic goals.  They did not want them to pursue goals such as becoming a princess or a Ninja Turtle or a singer or a ballerina.  The adults, of course, were looking at the job market.  I hear those same arguments on the larger societal level where colleges are considering dropping majors in history, philosophy, and many social sciences because the job market in those areas are not as robust as in STEM programs. 

While this is true, it is also true that many great accomplishments come from the passionate person who pursues a dream, regardless of the odds against achieving it.  Sometimes it is the zig-zag of life that allows disparate experiences to gel into a unique niche within a career.  Perhaps the child who wants to be a princess becomes a leader in industry.  Perhaps the Ninja Turtle becomes a Marine or a law enforcement person, or a firefighter.  Perhaps the singer becomes a mathematician who works with the fractions that were once musical notes.  Perhaps it is the switching between and among dreams that lets us find the one that will bring meaning to our lives.

So many students in my classes tell me that they cannot change their career plans.  They have invested too much money and time into the goal.  They are already unhappy with the choice, but they continue in the pursuit.  I hear couples in a relationship saying they are already 30 so starting over with someone else is not possible.  I hear older people saying they have lived somewhere “forever” and that if they move, they will become disoriented.  I hear young children say they will “never” be good in school. 

What seems true to me is that whenever you feel like you are walking in quicksand, when each step you take requires more energy than you have, that is when it is time to consider changing direction.  It is time to consider that the other path might be the “right” one for you, the one that allows you to step lightly and feel enthusiasm.  It is not a sign of failure to change direction; it is sign that you are open-minded enough to consider all of the evidence (confirming and disconfirming) and brave enough to begin anew.

Empty Nest or New Beginnings

Intimacy, Parenting, Psychology, Relationships, Uncategorized, , ,

I know so many couples starting out – moving in together, getting married. Interestingly, no one refers to them as empty nesters or asks them “How do feel now that you are empty nesters?” Yet, that is the most frequently asked question posed to their parents.

Rather than focusing on new beginnings and possibilities, as we do for couples starting out, the phrase “empty nest” causes parents to focus on the end of the family they grew and, hopefully, enjoyed. Empty, by definition, means, “containing nothing; not occupied or inhabited…lacking…substance, meaning, or value”. “Empty nest” implies a loss of some kind, an ending, a finality.

By including the phrase “empty nest” in the question, it almost demands a somewhat negative response. The word empty requires that the person responding address the connotation of the word. In other words, when people ask how one is adjusting to the “empty nest” it begs a response of how one is coping with some loss. Home is no longer full. Life is no longer full. The relationship with your significant other is lacking. Nothing is left. Generally, people respond in variations of “We’re adjusting,” “It’s much more quiet now,” or “I didn’t expect to miss them, but I do.”

Now that we’ve mused over the concept of empty, let’s think about the symbolism of the nest. Initially, one typically pictures a nest filled with baby birds chirping for their parents to feed them. But, before that picture can become a reality, one of two things had to happen. Either (1) birds built a brand new nest or (2) birds took over an abandoned nest. So the overall imagery is creating, building, filling. Abandoned nests are reclaimed and given new life. That is the symbolism that is much more relevant to human “empty nesters”; they are recreating their nest and repurposing it for their future life.

The nest symbolism is quite relevant. When we start out, we don’t focus on the nest we are leaving; rather, we focus on the nest we are building. The nest is not empty; it is filled with the love we have for each other. Over the years, we continued to fill the nest, with memories, with dreams created, fulfilled, or modified. We filled it with hopes, wishes, laughter, sadness, tears, surprises, fears, remorse, gratitude, friendships, and more and more opportunities for love.

When our lives have been so full, how can the nest ever be empty? Why would we suddenly wonder if our new life would be one “containing nothing; not occupied or inhabited…lacking…substance, meaning, or value”?

Clearly, when people ask, “How do feel now that you are empty nesters?” they do not intend to cause any sadness. Many probably hope they will hear about the “relief” of having our children leave or the pride in their ability to “fly on their own”. If that is what we actually want to hear about, then ask about their favorite memories of their life to this point, and their hopes, dreams, wishes, and plans for the future.

Let us help them repurpose their nest and remember that a nest can never be empty when it has been built from so many fulfilled dreams, so many goals for the present, and so many hopes for the future.

Just Because You Can Doesn’t Mean You Should

Intimacy, Parenting, Psychology, Relationships, Uncategorized, ,

Every psychological theory deals with our search for pleasure, our quest to satisfy the urges that society tries to keep in check. There are so many times in life when an opportunity arises that allows us to do something that we know is not quite right. When those circumstances arise, we are forced to confront our own morality; we either choose to “stay the course” or we create a series of justifications that allow us to do the very thing we “know” is not right.

As children, these choices are fairly innocuous. They might involve taking a cookie before dinner. Sometimes children follow the rules. Sometimes they justify – “It was only one cookie,” or “I was really hungry and I promise I will eat dinner anyway,” or “You are so mean!” Another choice a child might confront is staying up reading a book under the covers even though it’s time for lights out. Again, one might follow the rule. One might create justifications – “I was at a really good part and I had to finish it,” or “I’m not tired anyway!” These seem innocent, but really, it’s a difficult moral dilemma for a child: do I follow the rule or do what I want?

As we get older, the internal conflict is the same. We apply the age appropriate cognitive and emotional strategies we have to the problem and settle on our solution to it. What changes, however, is the level of risk associated with the choice we make. The risk involves how the choice impacts our sense of self – the way we think about ourselves. It also involves the consequences that society may impose on us if we are caught breaking the rule.

Let’s explore the idea of “because you can” a bit more. There are many activities that represent a minimal risk for getting caught. For example, people drive over the speed limit all the time; they rarely think they are doing anything wrong and are often angry when caught and given a speeding ticket. After all, why can cars go 100 mph if we are supposed to drive 25mph on a city street? It is not until someone is seriously injured that society reminds us that this speed rule exists for a reason – to keep others and us as safe as possible. So, just because we can speed doesn’t mean we should speed.

People who work in offices often take home office supplies.   Sometimes this is accidental and sometimes it is intentional. Taking home a few pens/pencils, paperclips or whatever is justified by “I work long hours and I don’t get paid enough” or “It’s just a stapler, it doesn’t cost the company anything,” or “everyone does it.” The justifications tell us that we know it is wrong – we know we should not – but we are going to do it anyway because we can.

An older child might face a choice regarding whether or not to cheat on an exam; an adult might face a choice regarding whether or not to cheat on their partner. The justifications created are often quite similar: “I had to cheat because (everyone else cheats, the situation was unfair, no one understands me and the stress I’m under). The choice to cheat can impact the sense of self in changing the way we think about ourselves (honest/dishonest or smart/less smart). The consequences if caught by society can be similar as well – some type of ostracism (detention/expulsion; separation/divorce).

All of these scenarios are examples of moral dilemmas that challenge us to consider whether we should or should not do something and each decision could affect our sense of self.

A quick rule of thumb for evaluating how we will feel after a decision is the number of justifications we need to create. The more justifications created, the more uncomfortable we are with our potential decision. Some justifications are Freudian in nature; we justify our Id impulses by determining that our pleasure is more important than someone else’s or that it is acceptable to gain our pleasure at the expense of another’s pain. Some justifications are cognitive and are based on our irrational thinking that “everyone” is doing it or would do it or that we are the “only one” not engaging in this behavior. Some justifications are behaviorist in nature; the reward is the only consideration. If we can get the reward while avoiding the punishment then we will do the action. Finally, some justifications are humanist in nature. A humanist justification is best understood by rephrasing the “should” to a want or need. If one says I should cheat on my significant other, the justifications flow more easily than if one says I want/need to cheat on my significant other. The word choice helps clarify not only the problem, but the motivation and emotion behind it.

The long and short of it: it is not always easy to look ourselves in the mirror after we choose to do something simply because we could. So, don’t do something because you can, do it because it’s right for you.

A Note to the Nurturers, On Mother’s Day

Mother's Day, Parenting, Psychology, Relationships, Siblings, Sociology, Uncategorized, , , , , ,

On Mother’s Day, I get nostalgic. I think about the very first time I held my first-born. I think about how it was just as wonderful to hold my second child for the first time. I think about how heavenly it was to hold them as toddlers, to feel their head on my shoulder, to listen to their breathing as they slept, to hear them laugh as they played. I think about how breathtaking it has been to see them venture out on their own.

Many years ago, while they were still very young, I wrote: Parenting is a journey that takes us from total responsibility for another person, to the development of a responsible person. I am proud to say I’ve developed two responsible human beings and am enjoying their adulthood very much. Going by my statement from many years ago, it would seem my journey is complete, but really, as parents, we know it never is.

I know I will always feel a part of their continuing development, but now, I also focus on how they helped me grow. They developed me in concrete ways (they are my go-to tech group…I’m certain I will always need them for that!). They developed me emotionally. They kept me young at heart. They kept me playful and joyful. They added to my compassion. They guided my understanding of complex social and political issues. They opened my eyes and heart to new ideas, new people, and new adventures. And they continue to help me grow in all those ways.

As I think of all of this, I also think about the many forms that parenthood takes. There are the other family members who nurtured them and helped them become who they are. Clearly this includes grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. It includes friends who chose to become family. It includes co-workers who guided and mentored them when I could not; who shared professional knowledge with them and helped to nurture their careers.

So, on Mother’s Day I celebrate all the people who help develop us, who nurture us, who help us face and conquer the “next” stage of our lives. Parenting, after all, is not biological. Parenting is a choice. It is the choice to nurture someone else. It is the choice to help someone else achieve his or her potential.

To all of you who have nurtured someone in some way, thank you. Happy Parenting Day!

“The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction not a destination” ~Carl Rogers ~

What It Really Means To Be A Disney Princess

Parenting, Psychology, Relationships, Uncategorized, , , ,

I grew up watching Disney. My sister and I loved waiting for Tinkerbelle to “color” the castle with her wand while we watched it on our black and white television set on Sunday nights. I still watch Disney movies. Yet, more and more I hear “those who know best” say that Disney is something to be loathed or – at the very least –avoided. The distaste of Disney is that their women always need a man to rescue them.

I see it differently, though: I see women who have courage, resolve, sensitivity toward others, leadership skills, commitment to a goal, belief in self, and unending optimism. Personally, these are traits I admire. Professionally, I know these are hallmarks of a healthy personality. With this in mind, let’s take a look at some of the Disney women.

Let’s start with the original Disney princess: Snow White. She is strong because she does not go into a state of depression when she is banished from the castle. Rather, she finds her way in the forest, rallies friends (albeit animal ones), and locates shelter. Because
of her sensitivity toward others, her new friends (the dwarfs) provide her with emotional support. This is very important if one is to
face hardships and models the importance of strong bonds. When the support works, she begins to exhibit her leadership potential. She gets all of the dwarfs to change their behaviors; they change from messy to tidy and from isolated individuals to caring individuals. She positively affects their lives and makes them better people for having known her.

Similarly, Cinderella teaches us resilience and kindness. When faced with issues of unfairness, rejection, subjugation, and apparent hopelessness, she too avoids depression through her optimism and belief in herself. She never gives up her dream of
freedom and realizing her potential. True, in the story her dream involves becoming a princess, but that can be easily translated today into any other profession. The point is: achievement is tied to optimism and self-confidence, traits any woman – or person – would benefit from.

Another self-assured princess is Ariel who strives to be different. She wants to break the mermaid mold and become something else – become human. Her father, her sisters, her friends see that as “crazy”. Yet, she pursues her dream and accepts responsibility for the mistakes she makes along the way. Yes, part of her dream involves being loved by the prince,
but their relationship seems very healthy to me. We must remember she saves him from drowning before he saves her from Ursula.
They seem like equals to me; she does not need him, she wants him. They are both interested in each other’s worlds. A healthy partnership. Because of Ariel’s courage, her commitment to her dream to be different, and her sensitivity to others, she not only achieves her dream of becoming human, she also helps two different worlds (humans and merfolk) to accept their differences and overcome their fears.

Belle is also an excellent role model. She is unashamedly well read, holding a book while she walks through town, talking to the villagers about what she is reading, and sharing her enthusiasm for the knowledge she is gaining. Belle is intelligent; when presented with what seems to be overwhelming problems, she finds creative solutions. She is articulate, able to persuade even a “beast” to accept her point of view. She is unwaveringly optimistic, believing that goodness will always triumph. She is compassionate, loyal, understanding, empathetic, and able to not only see the best in everyone, but to bring forth the best in them. After all, she sees the prince hidden in the beast way before anyone else does; she makes him see it in himself. She allows him to fulfill his full human potential.

Additionally, Jasmine is a heroine that refuses to be bound by the customs of her society. She will not allow her path in life to be chosen by her father or anyone else. She is determined to find her own way. Jasmine does find her own way and, as a result changes the society in which she lives. True, the focus of that change is marital law – by the end of the story, she can marry the man she chooses,
NOT the one chosen for her – but nevertheless, the moral of the story
is bigger than that. Jasmine teaches us that standing up for your beliefs, following your heart, and becoming your own person, pays off in the end.

Disney also reveals strong women that are not princesses. Esméralda from The Hunchback of Notre Dame, for example, teaches us fortitude and compassion. She is willing to risk her
own life to stand up for her beliefs. She stands up for the Hunchback, someone who is different. Yes, he is a man and he does help to rescue her later, but, she has helped him as well. Like Ariel and Eric, Esmeralda and Quasimodo are equals; they
are friends. Esméralda stands up for her people – the poor and downtrodden – something I wish all children and adults learn to do.

There are countless other Disney women who teach us positive traits. Mulan teaches us that family is worth fighting for and women can achieve anything they set out to do. Pocahontas teaches us the importance of trying to see things from another person’s perspective and that there is some good in everyone. Dory teaches us humor and compassion. Nala teaches us that we can be a force of change in the world and we can influence anyone, even the strongest of rulers.

Many people believe that the Disney princesses only reinforce the idea that girls need to spend their lives by a wishing well, hoping for a prince. But I disagree. I am glad that my mother encouraged my sister and I to watch Disney princess movies. I feel proud knowing the courage and kindness my daughter has now stems, in part, from emulating the courage and kindness of Belle and Jasmine.

I think the Disney Princesses (and other Disney women) send a wonderful, psychologically healthy message for girls – and boys – to grow up with. The princesses encourage us to believe in yourself and your dreams, to have the courage to be different, to allow yourself to love others and be loved, to recognize it is human and healthy to depend on others  and to love them.

 

When It Becomes the Not-So-Happy-Holidays

Holiday, Loneliness, Parenting, Psychology, Relationships, Uncategorized, , , ,

Before I became a psychologist, I thought the holidays were only times of great joy. I looked forward to them with great anticipation, eagerly awaiting all the commotion.
Now, however, I realize that Thanksgiving marks the beginning of a very painful time for so many people. For them, the holidays are a time of increased isolation and despair. As some of us talk about whom we will visit and how we will juggle multiple invitations, others wish they had even one place to go. As some of us complain that our in-laws want to see us, others wish they had in-laws. As some of us complain that our children will visit in-laws, others wish they had children. There is no one single cause of the pain people feel during this time of year. The pain they are in reflects their unfulfilled wishes, their dreams that – due to no fault of their own – cannot be realized, and their hopes that are fading with each passing day.

Given this reality, what can we do to help make this season more joyful for ourselves and for others? I propose that this holiday season we all do our best to turn our burdens into someone else’s joy.

This concept is not intuitive. After all, our burdens, our pains, are not things we tend to think are worth sharing with others. That’s because we see those burdens from our own vantage point; seeing it from someone else’s can make all the difference. Some examples will help:

  • If you cannot spend a holiday with someone because you are accepting a different invitation, tell him or her when you will visit and that whenever you are with them, it is a holiday (https://real-matters.com/?p=27).
  • If one of your holiday guests is your burden, treat that person as if you have never met and try to get to know them. Perhaps a new relationship will develop as you listen to new stories rather than focusing on the old ones.
  • If you have no children, help someone who does. Offer to watch their children while they prepare for the holiday. If you don’t know someone with children, volunteer at a center that will have a holiday party for children in need. Volunteer to bring food to parents whose child is hospitalized.
  • If you are overwhelmed with the children you have, ask someone who longs for children, to help you. If you know that you will complain that you have no room in your refrigerator or freezer for your left over food, don’t cook it – donate it to a food bank.
  • If you will be alone for the holiday, spend it with someone else who would be alone, but not for your offer to spend it with them.

No matter what your situation is, giving of self will increase your connection to others and connection is the key to joy, not just over the holidays – but any day.