I know so many couples starting out – moving in together, getting married. Interestingly, no one refers to them as empty nesters or asks them “How do feel now that you are empty nesters?” Yet, that is the most frequently asked question posed to their parents.
Rather than focusing on new beginnings and possibilities, as we do for couples starting out, the phrase “empty nest” causes parents to focus on the end of the family they grew and, hopefully, enjoyed. Empty, by definition, means, “containing nothing; not occupied or inhabited…lacking…substance, meaning, or value”. “Empty nest” implies a loss of some kind, an ending, a finality.
By including the phrase “empty nest” in the question, it almost demands a somewhat negative response. The word empty requires that the person responding address the connotation of the word. In other words, when people ask how one is adjusting to the “empty nest” it begs a response of how one is coping with some loss. Home is no longer full. Life is no longer full. The relationship with your significant other is lacking. Nothing is left. Generally, people respond in variations of “We’re adjusting,” “It’s much more quiet now,” or “I didn’t expect to miss them, but I do.”
Now that we’ve mused over the concept of empty, let’s think about the symbolism of the nest. Initially, one typically pictures a nest filled with baby birds chirping for their parents to feed them. But, before that picture can become a reality, one of two things had to happen. Either (1) birds built a brand new nest or (2) birds took over an abandoned nest. So the overall imagery is creating, building, filling. Abandoned nests are reclaimed and given new life. That is the symbolism that is much more relevant to human “empty nesters”; they are recreating their nest and repurposing it for their future life.
The nest symbolism is quite relevant. When we start out, we don’t focus on the nest we are leaving; rather, we focus on the nest we are building. The nest is not empty; it is filled with the love we have for each other. Over the years, we continued to fill the nest, with memories, with dreams created, fulfilled, or modified. We filled it with hopes, wishes, laughter, sadness, tears, surprises, fears, remorse, gratitude, friendships, and more and more opportunities for love.
When our lives have been so full, how can the nest ever be empty? Why would we suddenly wonder if our new life would be one “containing nothing; not occupied or inhabited…lacking…substance, meaning, or value”?
Clearly, when people ask, “How do feel now that you are empty nesters?” they do not intend to cause any sadness. Many probably hope they will hear about the “relief” of having our children leave or the pride in their ability to “fly on their own”. If that is what we actually want to hear about, then ask about their favorite memories of their life to this point, and their hopes, dreams, wishes, and plans for the future.
Let us help them repurpose their nest and remember that a nest can never be empty when it has been built from so many fulfilled dreams, so many goals for the present, and so many hopes for the future.
The “empty nest” stage is surely a beginning. One might say it is the second half of life but that can only be viewed by parents ready to build lives outside their every day duties as parents. We are always going to be parents but the opportunity to do fun things with our lives is just short so i suggest others see the empty nest stage as reformation and not a loss of some kind.
We use the term “empty nest” quite often, however, how many times do we define what it means. Some people may think it means parents will be forever lonely and be forgotten by their children and the rest of the world. Upon reading this article, I now have a different outlook on the term. Therefore, a “new beginning” starts after an “empty nest”. Parents will always make new memories and it does not mean life is going to end after their children leave the nest. In fact, life will take a whole new turn in which new memories and opportunities will be a memorable adventure. It should not be a cause for sadness, but to cherish and hold on to beautiful moments while new ones will are created.
From my own experience to hearing stories of others, there are a few parents who don’t look at their children leaving the family home as an ’empty nest’ and are very proud to take a back seat so they can watch their child make a life for themselves. However, parents who put unintentional guilt on their children with the empty nest mindset seems to be much more common. It’s even harder on parents that are single and ill whether that’s mentally or physically. I can’t speak for parents because I’m not one yet, but I do wish parents started realizing that there’s still more roles and adventures they’ve yet to add onto their lives beyond a husband, wife or mother and father. The story of them as their own individuals shouldn’t end just because the chapter of parenting is (in a way) is over.
I myself have a hard time picturing a life outside of the nest because I feel like my single mother doesn’t deserve to feel alone after everything she’s gone through. She always asks me, “what happens after you get married and move out? Where does that leave me?” because she’s already no longer has the role of a wife, but now me growing up has convinced her that she’s losing the role of a mother too. It’s understandable as to why, but that’s not the case. I try to remind her that she’ll never lose the role of being my mother, but as I grow independently, there are many opportunities to find herself again after taking care of me for so long. Parents selflessly, inevitably lose a sense of who they are once a child is in the picture and I personally think that’s why the empty nest syndrome exists in most families.
Your piece could help a lot of people, if they’re willing, to be open-minded to the fact that that ending chapters should ALWAYS mean there are new beginnings.
We, as people, tend to use humor to help us get over the hump that is our sadness. I feel like the intention behind people utilizing this empty nest analogy is supposed to be humorous but once you start to over-analyze it it’s much easier to find the negative connotations behind it. When I imagine this phrase being used it’s among friends, near middle age, with adult or near adult children. I feel like this is relevant because I don’t see ill will behind this term.
I know life is very different when your children move out, and people adjust in different ways. The question posed with this analogy I feel is closer to about adjustment to their new life rather than about the implied emptiness of the household. I do agree though calling the nest “empty” doesn’t sound very good as there are technically still two old birds and many memories in that nest. I can’t see this from a parental point of view so I may be a bit biased in my mindset.
When I was a child, I had a similar feeling towards leaving the nest, but it was my elementary school nest. At prom, of course we’d all reunite just like any other school day once again but as more friends than classmates. Before prom night was over, I remember when the teachers played the song “Graduation” by Vitamin C, I remember everyone starting to cry, including myself, because there are specific lyrics that can relate to this article when in the song it states “I keep on thinking that it’s not goodbye, Keep on thinking it’s a time to fly.” A time to fly, and experience the next stage of our young lives, sure a lot of us will still see other at other schools and such but what will definitely change is the energy of the environment we spent 6 years in and the people, the teachers, who helped make us who we are today. I’m 23 years old now, and pretty soon I’ll experience just like everyone else, what it’s like to leave the real nest, home. I hope that I’m ready for that because it is the scariest thing I can imagine myself doing.
This article was amazing and it definitely hit close to home, as my sister as of recently got married and moved out. After the ceremony many my family members asked my mom “What will you down now that she’s gone from the house?” and I remember just sitting their listening and saying “well, its not like my mom doesn’t have her own life, and solely rely on her … and its not like she won’t come to visit.. WHY? are they acting like she’s dying and won’t see her again? …besides she lives down the street!”
The phrase “Empty Nester” is a phrase I do not like, simply because a nest is never empty, as referred to in the blog a nest is full of memories, love, family, joy, sadness and much more and when “THE BIRDS LEAVE THE NEST” to me it means so much more than the end, it means new beginnings, new stories to be told, more friends, family more love and so on, me as a mother I will look at the phrase of “empty nester” as a good thing as a sign of independence, a sign of “ wow, I raised this young man and now he’s finally all grown up, doing adult things”, a sign of relief that my son will have a partner, a family to love of his own. The “empty nester” should symbolize something positive because it so much more than the end.
From the perspective of a child “leaving the nest” seemed as an exciting occasion to me. Selfishly I thought of a new beginning for myself. It was thrilling to move out and do my own thing. I also knew that parents will be sad because I’m the only child. It appeared they were sad for a little while, but soon enough they started to renovate their house and went on a vacation together. I admit, I was a little jealous back then. For the first time, I was not included in their plans. But it only meant, it was a new beginning for them as well.
Now as a parent myself, I understand what my mom and dad might have felt. I know it will be hard for me to let my babies fly free. But still “empty nested” means “fee” to me. Once again, I will be able to do my own thing.
It is sad to consider the home as empty. Why do the kids have to move out at all? I feel that if families grow up and just added on to their homes or get bigger apartments. Families can save and afford the finer things in life with less stress and burdens. The second generation of children may have positive role models and also their parents can get help in care for them. It takes a village …
I really enjoyed reading this blog because I am actually going away for college this upcoming Fall and I am the youngest so it is really hard for my parents to watch me go.
I have an older brother that is attending college that is only an hour and a half away. He comes down almost every weekend so it still feels like everyone is home. It was hard for my parents when my brother left for college but since he comes down every weekend it isn’t too bad. My brother isn’t as close to my parents as I am.
I am graduating this May with an associates in Liberal Arts: Social Sciences (AA) and I will be attending SUNY Oneonta which is 3 hours away from home. It took me a while to come to a decision because I am very family oriented so the thought of being away from home was very overwhelming and scary. I talked to different people about my concerns with going away for college and they all told me it was a great experience and said things to me like, “this only happens once in a lifetime” or “you will regret not doing it when you’re older”. At first I was still unsure and but after visiting the college and talking to people that were transferring over to the same school as me, I started to get very excited and now I can not wait! This wasn’t the same for my parents of course.. they weren’t as excited for me when I told them my decision and I now understand why. They said that they would now be lonely and that they were going to have to move into an apartment since me and my brother will both be gone but I explained to them that it wasn’t permanent and that there was holidays and summer vacation! It is still very hard for them to accept but I know that this will help me in the long run not only because the school I’m going to has a great program for what I am studying but because it will help me become more independent, responsible, and become more outgoing/social.
This isn’t just hard for my parents but for myself as well. They think that this isn’t going to be hard for me but it will be. I know that when the time comes my parents will understand and two years will fly by! I know that I will feel the same way my parents do in the future with my kids but everyone goes through this and we just have to understand that this is a part of life. We sometimes need to make hard decisions that are what is best for us, you can not always make a decision based on someone else happiness. You need to make sure you are happy too!
Empty nest is a huge life challenge and transition period as parents watched the child/children they have been raising for years leaves the nest. However, empty nest affect differently on different people. It depends on the status of the parents and the relationship some parent have with their children.For those parents who are part of a couple may see this as an opportunity to rekindle the flame within their relationship. Mothers are considered more susceptible to this experience than fathers. Majority of moms, even those who work, see their main job is to take care of their kids. When that child leaves home, mothers feel like they have been dismissed from their main job.While fathers tend to be more reserved and are not always aware of the situation. However, a single parent may have a more difficult transition period.
For those who have been parenting alone, the experience can lead to increased feelings of grief, depression, loneliness, and anxiety. This is true because single parents and their child rely more heavily on each other for caregiving, emotional support, and advice. As a single mom, I can relate myself to those who are parenting alone.I never think about what will become of me in the next 20yrs from now when my son left home. I will definitely miss him not being around but at the same time, I will be happy for the fact that he is going to start his own life. I know that my job as a mother will never be over. Just because he moved out doesn’t mean that he won’t need my advice. Main while, I will keep myself occupied with hobbies such as traveling the world, gardening and spending more time with friends and family.
I understand that the whole idea of Empty Nest is about leaving your parents home and creating a home of your own. It is both a new beginning for the parent and child.
I believe that parents who raise their child/children over the years got use to such responsibility and the idea of not being alone. whenever their child decided to leave them, most parents don’t know what to use and fill the gap of not having to take care of their child anymore. Most parents begin to miss their child and worry. Parents should trust that they taught their child good enough for them to be okay on their own.
When I was a child, I had a similar feeling towards leaving the nest. When I was a girl scout, we did a couple of overnights at cabins, and I was away from my parents. They thought that the trip wasn’t going to be hard for me but it was. Being away from them at a young age and being with people that I am not around every day, 24/7 is uncomfortable for me. But now that I am an adult, I feel like I can leave my parent’s house and be independent on my own. I don’t need my parent’s help anymore, but only sometimes
I totally agree with this article , we often think people feel alone or empty. But, some people are pretty comfortable and over joyed with being empty nesters. They are all filled up with the memories and happiness that their children or lost loved ones left them. They want to recreate life. Empty nesters sometimes even think about what their next journey will be in life and how can they expand it. So when people try to bring a negative connotation to empty nesting it should be frowned upon. Not everyone looks at things in a negative way. New beginnings , new laughter , new love , and new journeys. While remembering all the beautiful memories that the people or things that left the nest left.
Whenever I have heard the term “empty nester” I always had/sensed this sad feeling but never knew why. Like why I felt sad and why others (parents) felt sad whenever they heard that phrase. This article really dove into a why, and made me look at that phrase in a different way and look at the situation in a different way.
I agree with this article. However, at the same time I can see why people can go the other way, seeing the situation as something negative; a lot of people tend to struggle with change, specially when “children are leaving the nest” to start a new path by themselves . At the beginning can be a bitter sweet feeling, but is just a matter of time before they can make their peace with the situation and realize that is for a greater good, a blessing in disguise.
A student sent this comment and I needed to share it: “My reflection on Empty Nest it New Beginnings is one of excitement ,happiness,joy ,love,hope ,tears and sadness. Reminiscence of my leaving the “nest” without my parents and moving away brings back sweet memories and sometimes sadness. I wanted to go out on my own to experience life as an adult and to build a new life for myself and hopefully my new family. I wanted what my parents had and more .I wanted to explore and to travel the world, to make my own mistakes and to learn from them . I had moved into a one bedroom basement apartment the way I wanted it and to make it a reflection of me. I chose the furniture and the decor and did a great job.At first I missed my parents,missed my mom’s cooking and I called my parents just about everyday . I asked my mom for recipes and other stuff. I started to do things on my own ,laundry was the worst part as a I would take the clothes over to my mom and then by watching her ,I sorted out the clothes by color and so on.
To me an Empty Nest is really a New Beginning as the nest is truly not empty as we go back from time to time to the original nest as a matter a fact the nest seem more crowded on occasions like Christmas and thanksgiving with the grandchildren and other family members. The nest is simply growing up and starting a new life for oneself”
You know Diane, when the last of the child went away to school, we went to dinner and reflected on the fact that we were able to sent four children to college, and they earned their degrees, while neither one of us or our generation was college educated. The term “empty nesters” was never part of our vocabulary as we repurposed all the kids rooms into our own personal spaces, for instance, I have a library, while Charlene has a craft room or so we thought. As the grandchildren began to arrive, the home becomes so much more than an “empty nest”, it becomes a place were little people can be themselves while their parents are enjoying some much needed time off, family gatherings all happens at grandma’s and grandpa’s, and you know it’s just so much more than an empty nest Diane.