I opened my eyes and my husband immediately cheered, “Happy Birthday!”
I love birthdays and he knows that. I know, however, that he is not one who enjoys celebrating his own birthday; he does not like anyone to make a fuss. He would not like it if I greeted him like that on his birthday. His enthusiasm for my birthday, however, was not fake; it was a reflection of his willingness to love me the way I want and need to be loved.
It took me a long time to realize how important it is to love someone the way they want to be loved. Most of us just assume that everyone wants to be loved the way we want to be, but that is simply not the case. If a relationship is going to last long-term, we need to accept the way a person is able to love us and we have to do our best to love them the way they want to be loved. If all parties are on board with this idea, it is a really beautiful thing.
Examples are definitely needed now. I have worked with couples that argue over texting. She might complain that he does not text her when he wakes up in the morning, or does not text often enough (or quickly enough) during the day. He responds that he doesn’t have the kind of job that allows him to text often. Underneath this discussion is her desire to be loved through attentiveness and his desire to have her love for him expressed through trust that he is thinking of her even if he is not texting her. He needs to give her that morning text (to love her the way she wants to be loved) and she needs to accept fewer texts during the day (to love him the way he needs to be loved – by demonstrating trust that she is in his thoughts).
Another couple ostensibly argues over money, but they are really arguing over how they want to be loved. He works two jobs so he can save for the house he thinks she deserves. She complains that she never sees him. She doesn’t see that he is expressing his love for her through his commitment to earning and saving money. He doesn’t see that she can’t envision their life in that home if it does not include spending time with him along the way. They both need to value the way the other person loves them – and they need to do their best to love their partner in the way he/she wants to be loved. He needs to ask if she really wants that house he thinks she deserves; it may be what she really wants is his time. She needs to ask how she can reduce the pressure he puts on himself or how she can help him be able to spend more time with her.
One person wants flowers; another wants cards. One person wants words; another wants actions. One person wants expensive gifts; another wants homemade gifts. The key is to recognize the message in whatever its form takes. One must recognize that the person is telling us “I love you” – they are just sometimes doing it in the way they want to be loved. If they can’t (or won’t change that), and you can’t (or don’t want to) accept the way they love, then the relationship is likely to be rocky and unsatisfying at best.
This concept extends beyond couples; it involves parents and children too. Issues with sons and daughters-in-law often revolve around family differences in how love is expressed. One family expresses love by cooking meals; another by taking people out for dinner. One expresses love by refraining from giving advice; another by giving advice. One expresses love by telling their children “You’re on your own”; another by saying, “No matter what, we will be here for you.” One expresses love by praising their children; others by giving them money. One expresses love by babysitting; another by buying toys. If we misunderstand the way love is expressed, we can begin to resent the other person, thinking them cold, indifferent, or intrusive. Just because it is not the way we want to be loved, does not mean the other person is not expressing love. They are simply expressing it the only way they know how.
The key to this is communicating with each other about how you want to be loved – and listening to the other person. I was teaching a class recently and I was discussing this idea. One of my students added that his wife had always told him all she really wanted for their anniversary was a homemade card. He said, “So this year, I took her up on it. I drew a card with a heart on it. I drew two stick figures inside and said they were the two of us. She loved it! I don’t know why it took me 33 years to listen to her words.”
I just loved that story. There was such honesty and genuineness and universality in it. There was such optimism in it. It is never to late to love another in the way they want and need to be loved.
I forwarded this to 6 people 😁
It’s so true – and how many times have I misinterpreted someone’s actions of love? My dad brings a toy every single time he comes to visit my new baby girl. My mom comes over just to sit with her so my wife and I can get out of the house for a little while. They’re both showing how much they love her (and us) even though they do it in different ways!
What a beautifully succinct and important message. Thank you for the important reminder!
This is the most perfect explanation of this topic I’ve ever read. I always wondered why my mom was always disappointed/upset when my dad gave her a bouquet of flowers and after reading this, I asked her. She simply stated “After 16 years of marriage, I don’t want the same gift every year.” She basically wanted something a bit different to “show some effort in giving her something new.” My dad on the other hand always feels proud when he give her flower since “It’s a simple but effective gift to show his appreciation for everything she does.” After reading this and making them read it also, they finally kind of got a understanding of how the other thought about the bouquet of flowers and honestly how important communication (even over little things) is.
By reading careful about love, I am starting thinking about every person next to me by analyzing how they show their love to each other. Example. How many nights parents cannot sleep for protect and raise their born child. Parents guide their children to the right path because of their true love that they have to them. And no parents give the son or daughter a rock for bread to eat for the greater love that they have to them.
I totally agree on this. I also realize this after all my failure relationship. communication is really important in any kind of relationship either friends, spouse, boyfriends/girlfriends or family talking and reaching out is important . also, listening and learn how to accept who they are . relationship will clear, comfortable and last longer.
Hello there Diane,
I wholeheartedly agree that the importance of loving someone is specific to ones particular needs. I realized this in my most recent relationship and I think it starts by a personal amount of maturity when it comes to thinking about someone else.
Ex: My boyfriend isn’t very much of someone who actually does sweet things. But he does treat me well. He buys us food, we bond over gifts and activities that we do together. That shows his love to me and in the intimacy of doing activities together we do show our love. I on the other hand am more of a verbal person. I don’t in fact need much as a physical thing; while I do appreciate it I only need someone to vent to, tell me that, “I love you” and a kiss goodnight. Those small things prove to me love at a basic constant.
Thanks for the analysis.
Jeremy
You know I always want to understand love and also want to be love. I remember my parents always argument since i was little but i never think it was a bad things. but now I’m grown up i feel like it is annoying and always unhappy to see them this way. my mother always mad because my Dad usually help her doing laundry, go shopping with her, and also when it is raining my Dad always took an umbrella and went to her job wait for my mother. Now my Dad is working so he stop doing that but my mother thinks my Dad is cheating on her. my mother don’t realized that he’s tired and don’t really have time to help her. after i read this interesting story that makes me understand them.
I completely agree , communication is key to a great relationship. Just as you and your husband expressed your love for birthdays he knows how much you adore them and basically he knows how much you admire it. communication should be within all relationships whether you’re friends or lovers. Its greatly appreciated and everyone should do it. is solves problems and also helps them ; although prevention is better than cure.
The title is the first thing that grabbed my attention. I am a huge fan of romance novels partly because I like to look into the different ways one shows their love and how it is expressed. This article was the best representation of how we should love someone they way they want to be loved. I actually had a friend who is can’t seem to comprehend this idea. She and her boyfriend constantly fight because she is at a point in their relationship that she does not understand why she needs to write a huge paragraph explaining why she loves him. She states that she is repeating the same things every time and it feels pointless to her. The boyfriend, however, loves when she writes them and asks that she write one every once in a while. My friend can’t seem to understand that this is one of the ways he sees that she loves him because she is not as emotional as he is. It is truly sad because I don’t know if they can understand that they are who they are and they need certain things from the relationship. I feel like this article sums up really well why sometimes we just need to put a little more effort to see our loved ones and accept that they need love in a different way than we do sometimes.
The first thought that came to mind while reading this, was of the relationship I have with my two sisters. There is Marie who is 25 and Nancy who is 21. (names changed) The three of us grew up in the same household and share the same mother and father, but we each had very different experiences during childhood. It is because of this, that we now each have completely different ways of wanting to be loved; and that has affected our lives greatly. My parents divorced when I was in highschool and after that I went to live soley at my grandfather’s house; Marie went to live solely at my father’s house and Nancy would go back and fourth between my dad’s and my mom’s for about a year or two before deciding to live only at my mother’s house. Even though the three houses were all within a one mile radius, I believe that those few years we each lived apart completely changed us. Marie now hates talking about feelings. If it is her birthday I only buy funny cards because anything sentimental and she will get really mad. She will always change the subject and get very uncomfortable. Then there is Nancy. All she does is talk about her feelings. She is extremely emotional, constantly getting involved in drama and lives for grand gestures showering her with love. Finally there is me. I don’t like to be close to people either physically or emotionally. I have to have at least a one foot bubble around me at all times. I’m always willing to tell anyone my life story and I usually move in on the first date. Now that the three of us are getting older our differences in the ways we want to be loved are becoming blaringly obvious. For years we didn’t care about our differences because we were all too wrapped up in the thrill of being in our late teens/ early twenties. It is one thing for us to each want to be loved in different ways, but when you don’t understand how to love your own sister it might be time to stop and think. Of course we all love eachother. That isn’t a question. The question is how can the three of us learn to love each other in the way each person needs? The answer is not something that is going to happen overnight. The three of us have sat down in recent months to talk about this very issue. We are learning to love one another again so that everyone is comfortable. I wish we could have started this years ago but I am just happy we have finally starting moving in the right direction. I’m stuck with these girls for life whether I like it or not. And learning how to love them their way is one of the most important factors in building, maintaining and growing a healthy relationship.
Not to get too personal and make this comment about me. But, I actually understand this firsthand because I was one of those girls who wanted my significant other to do the small things I knew would bring a smile to my face like some of the examples listed above. It is nice when your partner takes some of these things into consideration because it makes you feel like they really do love you and will try to make that small change just to make your day. I agree, if a person isn’t willing to at least try to do these things for you, you can’t force them and there is a chance the relationship may be rocky.. You just simply have to find it in someone else if this is something that will bother you and cause you to be unhappy in that relationship. I think that we all have to learn that not everyone loves or shows love the same way we do or want them to. If you really want the relationship to work, you need to just accept what it is and appreciate the form of love they give. I think that love goes beyond an instagram/snapchat post, everyday cutesy text messages, or seeing someone every single second of everyday. There are no rules for love, we all love in our own way and have the right to show it the way we want to. I guess, we sometimes expect or want these things because of the way we see other couples on social media or the way our girl friend might talk about the type of things her boyfriend does for her. It makes us think that our relationship isn’t the way a relationship should be and makes us think too DEEP into it. This of course does not just apply to a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship but also to relations within the family. Thank you for the message! It is a reminder that you are loved even if it isn’t shown in the way you’d want it to be shown.
I loved this article! My boyfriend Jimmy is more of an introvert and I am more of an extrovert. We both need and express love differently but are learning how to love each other the way we need and not just what is comfortable for us. I require much more attention and affection than he does; he requires a lot more alone time to recharge and reflect. I can be a very anxious person and think that the distance and silence indicated that something is wrong. We have both communicated to each other the things we need and have found a more steady common ground; when he needs time to himself, or i need more togetherness, we express this to each other and meet each other halfway. I give him his space, and he texts or calls to check in on me assuring that everything is fine. The birthday reference with your husband is exactly like us as well ! I love to make a big deal about birthdays and celebrate. Jimmy on the other hand, although likes to celebrate birthdays, is a little more laid back and prefers not to make a big deal about it, instead reflecting on his past year. His birthday is coming up next month and I wanted to make a big thing of it, but upon bringing up my potential plans, he wasn’t as thrilled as I was about it. Rather than be offended that he wasn’t grateful of the love I was giving the way I would need to be loved, I simply stated that I respect his individuality and wishes, but I really want to do something nice for him and how I could do that (express my love) without overriding the way he needed to be loved. He simply told me I can take him for a quiet dinner and we can go for a nice walk afterward. Now we’re both looking forward to it because we both have a better understanding of how we each need to be loved differently.
I agree completely with this blog. I even had to stop myself from crying while reading this. The thing is I recently got engaged to an amazing man but the happiness quickly wavered off and in came the worrying about everything that could go wrong. I keep asking myself is this really what I want? I know I love him and I have never loved any man like I love him but we have a serious problem when it comes to learning how to love each other the way we want to be loved. I really want to love him the way he wants to be loved and I know he wants to love me the way I want to be loved but I haven’t been able to do that. Sometimes he does something really special for me and expects a certain reaction and when I don’t react that way because I didn’t see it as a big deal he calls me ungrateful. I never want him to feel like I don’t appreciate him and I know he thinks of many ways to make me happy but I wish he would just listen to me and understand the way I want to be loved.
I am going to share the blog with him and make sure he knows that in order for us to have a great future together we need to communicate and understand each other. This post was excellent and spot on.
I think it is so hard for people to understand this concept because of the saying treat people how you want to be treated. Sorry but what if someone doesn’t take it to account we are not talking to our selves or in a relationship with ourselves. We should really be stressing treat people how they want you to treat them or even better than how you want to be treated. Some people accept less for themselves there is a lot of comments like you can do this too me but not to my kids or family. In Psychology Today, Dr.Clifford N Larazus states in the article. Are you teaching people how to treat you badly? Learn to speak up assertively. Even in a lovely relationship, I think assertiveness is important. Also being attentive to what a person needs in there life is important.
This spoke to me in so many ways. I always struggled with understanding if you’re are suppose to find someone who accepts the way you love, or just love someone the way they want to be loved. Now I totally understand that a person should be loved how they want to be loved and vice versa. It is essential to communicate in relationships like you mentioned because we are not psychics , so there is no real way to understand how a person feels unless they express it through communication or their actions. It may be hard for some people to grasp this concept because most people feel like people should take their love or simply leave it! I think if you love a person you would be willing to do things like this , just to show them you are listening and you are paying attention.
This is one of my most favorite blog because while I was reading this, I was totally thinking about my husband. One of the main mistakes that I see us make when it comes to relationships is loving other people the way we want, instead of loving them in the way they want. I was facing the same situation. I am the kind of person who express the love by, giving birthday surprises to my husband, cooks his favorite food, and the most important I said to him, that I love him, he is my life, and I cannot imagine my life without him. I like to express my love by words and action but he doesn’t. He is little different then me, he doesn’t express his love by words. He doesn’t like when I gave him surprised birthday party. He feels shy when someone gave him gifts. I always had complained that, he never expresses his feelings but he said, I don’t like to express my feelings by words.
I found this so interesting. I agree with how some people can misinterpret what the other person means when they “express their love.” With the example of giving money or expensive gifts it’s the thought of “Oh you’re buying my love?” Or “Is money all I’m good for?” When really it is possibly the only way they know how to show their feelings. With me my boyfriend got me a gift just out of the blue, I mentioned I liked something and he got it, and I have made a list of stuff I like and he goes through to see what he should purchase. However, I always worry with the thought of him thinking that I’m just in it for the free gifts, but he IS happy to do it and enjoys seeing me pick out stuff and adding them to the list because it makes me happy and happy that he is too.
*This was a reflection for my class I was asked to share*
Love Them The Way They Want…
“If we misunderstand the way love is expressed, we can begin to resent the other person, thinking them cold, indifferent, or intrusive. Just because it is not the way we want to be loved, does not mean the other person is not expressing love. They are simply expressing it the only way they know how.” — Dr. Diane Urban
In this bog, our professor discusses how diverse the expression of love can be and how it is our job to verbalize the way we wish to be loved to the people we wish to love. Just as diversity exists in nature, in humans via bodies and skin color and hair and eye color, in jobs and interests, in food and beverages, in majors and degrees and classes, there is diversity or variety in the way we express ourselves and especially in the way we love.
So, if we can understand that variety exists in all things and we intellectually know that most of us choose to enter a relationship with someone who is of a different family and has been raised by individuals who have their own personalities and methods of caring for a child, why is it so difficult for us to be aware that our method of expressing love will never be exactly like our lovers method of expressing love. Just like two perfectly unique snowflakes, no matter how many similarities on paper we will never be exactly alike! And that’s the beauty of it all.
I think it’s difficult to remember when in a relationship, especially a longer relationship where you’ve shared emotional intimacies and have expressed memories and wants and needs, that no matter how much you wish it your partner or partners are not mind readers.
I’m definitely guilty of thinking and even expecting my partner to be a magical mind reader, but it has yet to happen…
Just as you have to express your needs at work or the grocery store it’s the same for your relationship. I think our rational brain knows this but our overly romanticized, rom-com loving, demanding and wishful part of our brain begs to differ. “How does he/she/they not know what I need, isn’t obvious? They obviously don’t love me if they can’t understand why I’m upset at their actions/words/or lack thereof!”. I’ve been there. And as silly as it all seems, having a direct conversation with my partner when I’m feeling that way usually resolves the issue and gets me what I want or need a lot faster than just stewing in my assumptions or projections of narrative. Funny how that works, huh!
I’m sure there are cases where this doesn’t work BUT you’ll never know if the person you’re with is capable of loving you the way you wish to be loved unless you ask.
I feel like this whole asking thing is a part of our cultural pressure of being perfect. We’re too embarrassed to ask for help, we’re too embarrassed to ask for love. Things don’t need to be perfect right away, they can’t be! Learn to be brave and ask for what you need. The worst that could happen is that you realize that it’s not possible in that moment or with that person but isn’t better to live fully and clearly with 20/20 vision than be living in doubts full of maybes and what ifs and one sided arguments that only exist in the dialog within your mind? I think it is, I want to be brave and live my life with an open heart and mind and multiple bridges of communication, open and ready to listen and to be heard. How about you?
Hello colleagues, its fantastic piece of writing about educationand entirely
defined, keep it up all the time.