In 1953 Frank Sinatra sang, “My love must be a kind of blind love/I can’t see anyone but you…You are here and so am I/Maybe millions of people go by/But they all disappear from view/And I only have eyes for you”*. The fact that at least 12 other entertainers have remade this song (most recently in 2017 by Kevin Morby) suggests that these words resonated with many people.
For many, the “no looking” rule has become an indicator of true love. If a significant other even glances momentarily at a random stranger it has the potential to become an argument about faithfulness. Glancing has become as serious an offense as acting upon ones momentary impulse. For me, cheating involves engaging in emotional or physical intimacy with someone other than your significant other. Glancing, an action that is unintentional and meaningless, is different from looking. Looking is longer, it involves some attentiveness to detail, and some thinking about what one is looking at. So a look – if it results in feeling hurt or disrespected must be addressed.
I think it says more about the person who gets upset by it than it does about the person who glanced. I’m sure that statement stirs some controversy and some comments – so let me elaborate.
A strong reaction to a glance is essentially a sign of jealousy. Cognitive psychologists would suggest that the offended person was struggling with some irrational thoughts of their own. Examples might be (1) Everyone is a cheater, (2) I can’t control myself so you can’t control yourself, or (3) I can’t be trusted so neither can you. A psychologist who favors a humanist approach would suggest that the real/ideal self has been split and the offended person feels unworthy of love. Examples might be (1) I should be more interesting so he/she does not have to look at others, (2) he/she would rather be with them than with me, or (3) I should look for someone new and show them how it feels to be ignored like this. A Freudian would examine the childhood issues that led to this trauma over a glance. For example, (1) did the parent/nurturer abandon them at a young age? (2) did the parent/nurturer make them compete for affection? or (3) did the parent/nurturer cause them to feel insignificant in some way? Finally, a behavioral psychologist would examine if the offended person (1) has been rewarded for acting like they have been slighted in other situations, (2) has been rewarded for starting unnecessary arguments, or (3) has been rewarded for creating drama.
Solutions based on cognitive psychology involve limiting our irrational thoughts, often accomplished by minimizing generalizations and checking for both confirming and disconfirming evidence. For example, it is true that some people cheat; it is not true that everyone does. Humanists seek greater congruity between real/ideal self by helping a person limit conditions of worth, often accomplished by examining the shoulds we say. For example, by saying I need/want to be more interesting, one takes the “power” of insecurity away from others and causes a person to take responsibility for becoming who one seeks to be. Freudians would use techniques to uncover the pains of childhood. By doing so the offended person would come to realize that they are acting out toward their significant other in a way that is really meant to resolve a hurt caused by a parent. Finally, the behaviorist would seek to help the offended person by helping the significant other learn to ignore behaviors that relate to unjustified accusations of cheating and reward behaviors that build trust.
So go out and glance anywhere and everywhere. The important thing is that you look at your significant other.
“Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous” ~ 1 Corinthians 13:4
*Songwriters: Al Dubin / Harry Warren I Only Have Eyes for You lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Warner Chappell Music, Inc.
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Dr. Urban. As always, your Real Matters Postings are insightful as well as endearing.
I think Art Garfunkle redid this song in the summer of 1975. His was a good rendition of a memorable song.
This comment shared with me via email expresses a universal — “I learned some very valuable information. My significant other looking at other woman in a relationship has been something that bothered me deep down inside. Even though I know he loves me and cares for me and is also very honest and open with me, I would still get upset and feel as though he looked because I wasn’t good enough. Humanism’s view particularly caught my interest because the one thought going in my mind afterwards is me wondering if my boyfriend was wishing of being with the other person rather than with me, and that I should be more interesting in order to keep my boyfriend only interested in me”.
I love the way you have broken down the issues & possible solutions as seen from the different schools of psychological thought–as always, so very interesting & insightful!!
Article is very interesting. Especially since it goes deep in detail regarding the observation of a significant other when they stare at another being. At times it is applied to our own demise (whether it be on a positive or negative aspect).
Upon reading the blog post “Do You Only Have Eyes for Me?” I related very much to all the jealousy as much as I hate to admit it. I loved that this wasn’t just about labeling people who experience jealousy as “insecure,” instead you went deeper into explaining how someones childhood can bring upon such emotions. Growing up I didn’t have much affection given to me I was raised by my VERY old school aunts. My mother is deaf and mute but didn’t get to learn any sign language because my family made the huge mistake and decision that they would just take care of her for the rest of their life (they actually ended up disowning us). The burden of not being able to properly communicate with my mother or even properly gesture with her about how my day went definitely took a toll on my communication skills as well as emotions and vulnerability. And I believe because of my childhood I grew up “insecure” and thinking anyone was going to abandon me at any given moment thus the idea that I would think my significant other would rather be with the person they’re looking at rather than me. This blog post was very relatable and interesting to read. It reminded me why I love psychology so much because there’s a reason behind every emotion and action.
I immensely love this blog post! I love the verse you mentioned. “Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous”. I believe in this verse very deeply, and take it everywhere with me. If you truthfully love your partner, you would not be jealous of them. You would not accuse them of cheating or lying to you. For if they love you back, they would not do those things to you. Relationships are a tricky subject. Each one is different than the last, and cannot be compared. For every relationship is special and unique. You may be with a timid man who is not very interested in other women. On the other hand, you may be dating a flirtatious man who likes to please the ladies. These two are polar opposites but both are capable of love. It must be a natural instinct for men to look at other women. Whether or not they love the woman they’re with they tend to look. It is just who they are. Men are completely different being than women. When a woman looks at another man, she feels a betrayal of her partner. She may feel guilty or confused why she was attracted. However, men look at other women and perceive this as normal. They most likely feel that if they can’t look at other women they are trapped. In a sense, they want to live their life regardless of who catches their eyes. In opposition, a woman tends to be more sympathetic and insightful in her relationship. The initial reaction when a man sees a beautiful woman is “Woah”. That is how it is and how it will always be.
To conclude, if a man loves you he will admire the beauty. But even though she is beautiful he is still satisfied with his relationship. Sadly, if he does not feel love for you he will admire this woman and feel the urge to be with her. That is how you know if your relationship will last. If he sees a woman and admires her beauty that is just fine. Simply, because beauty is meant to be admired. In other words, his admiration could be out of awe. You would even do the same if someone is so beautiful. Women should not judge men for doing this. Consequently, you should ask yourself would I look at an attractive man in this way? You probably would say yes! To sum up, relationships must conquer many battles to remain strong and true in the end. The temptations are what build knowledge in the end. The knowledge that all though there are many beautiful women, I actually love my wife. The truth is we all come to this realization ourselves … all humans do. Just remember God has a plan for everyone, and you will find your love in his will.
I feel anything that would make your significant other or spouse uncomfortable should be examined and spoke about. The intensity of how it effects both parts could be a sign of concern they affected spouse being the one that is troubled by the glance should take into account why it bothers them. Nevertheless, everything starts with a glance then more than likely the look follows. It may seem minuscule to the glancer about why it bothers but we must always try to communicate.
This has been one of my favorite articles to read. It was very insightful and broke down everything so that the reader would be able to understand it. I’ve never been a jealous person when my significant other would glance at someone else it would never bother me. After all, it’s human nature for us to glance at someone we see passing by us, there’s nothing wrong with that. With that being said I’ve known many girls who have been jealous when their partners would look at me. I always thought it was silly, it’ just a quick glance, it’s not like either of us are attracted to the other. I agree with you on the cheating part, a glance isn’t cheating. It’s emotionally and physically giving another person, that isn’t your partner, intimacy. Many people will think their partner is cheating on them if they happen to glance at someone else and they’ll get jealous if that person turns out to be attractive. I feel like all these issues lie with the person’s self-esteem. The cognitive, humanist, Freudian and behavioralist all have interesting concepts on why the person feels the way they do. Out of all of them, I think I would have to agree more with the cognitive psychologist. If you think your partner is cheating on you because they simply glanced at someone else then maybe it’s just your own guilt because you might have looked at another person and had some thoughts of your own. At the end of the day if a glance is something that bothers you to the point where you would accuse your significant other of cheating then maybe it’s best to get some help.
I think its important to understand that feeling attraction to more then just your significant other its human nature. This is not to say that this should be normalized in a relationship;(glancing at other people), however I think there should be a mutual understanding between participants in the relationship that small things of this nature happen. Sure, a girlfriend might catch a guy glancing at another girl for a second, but that doesn’t mean the guy doesn’t love you and have your best interests in mind. The same goes for the guy. However I agree, that if the glance turns into a look its no question that it will cause distress for the people involved in the relationship, especially if insecurity is something one of the parties struggles with. At that point you might need to sit down and have a serious conversation about what each other want. I think insecurity would be the driving factor in being uncomfortable with something like this
Should we be responsible for others insecurities? Glancing is, in my opinion almost a normal reaction to something beautiful or desirable that passes by or catches our eye. Looking can be considered disrespectful to a partner for sure, but, accepting someone else’s lack of self worth is a bit much. Conversations about how we feel when certain things bothers us should not be considered psychological deformities when all we’re looking for is clarity in a particular situation. Conversing can be a calming or soothing remedy when we’re feeling a little slighted I believe.
As much as I hate this word, the “no looking rule” for reasons listed in the article is bologna. I agree there should be “no looking” within a relationship out of respect and also agree it should definitely be addressed if one party is hurt, however to neglect yourself of looking at and acknowledging a human beings beauty is pointless. I am a straight man but I am constantly telling my significant other and friends whether or not some one is good looking, male or female. This staple in society has gotten so serious to the point I was in the car with a past relationship, conducing the vehicle. When you are behind the wheel you don’t just look straight, you watch all of your environment. I was making a right turn, made it to a stop sign and had an argument follow because “I was looking at some girls [censored] rear end”. Fits of rage should not come about because of this concept of thinking and definitely should not be a test of faithfulness. I believe this characteristic puts insecurities on display. Insecurities pinned perfectly in this article, insecurities from past relationships and stories of everyone cheating, maybe their own family. The classic guilty conscious of some one who actually does cheat so tries to spot out every mistake to catch some one “cheating”. While I myself cherish monogamy and being with the one right person for the rest of your life, at the end of the day we are animals. Theres billions of our own species roaming the earth at this very moment in time and babies being born as I type this out. Of course at some point, even if I desperately tried to avoid it all my life, I will find someone else’s physical features pretty, cute, handsome etc.. The fact that jealous feelings can turn into petty actions is illogical and unfair(I should look for someone new and show them how it feels to be ignored like this), these things should be spoken about and communication, while being a key in relationships, is often lacking. In reading the conclusion, I feel mentally(myself) I take from several theories and not just one and with each relationship is a different person as well and the way THEY interpret actions and words may not match mine(which is okay).
Dr. Urban,
I love how you explained the psychologist approach as to how the situation of somebody glancing over at a person and their significant other over reacting, can say all those things about a person psychologically. Especially when you explained how maybe the jealous person can not control themselves so maybe they are actually just mad because they expect the same from their partner. It’s almost like a guilty conscience and I found that in my own lifetime, when I find someone always paranoid and accusing someone else of something. It sometimes means that they are reflecting their own demons on you. Very interesting article!
I really enjoy how you showed the different ways that one can interpret this sort of behavior and emphasized how it shows more about the jealous person then the person that is glancing or looking at someone else . In my opinion, the most interesting perspective is the Freudian view on this dilemma. Its fascinating to think of how child hood development could have led to this sort of jealous reaction. A parents neglect of their child could lead that individual to feel unloved later in life and then even in a situation where that person is loved by a significant other, they will find reasons that they’re significant other is unfaithful or uninterested in them. I personally know several people that this sort of childhood neglect has effected and those people often deal with self esteem issues and need constant encouragement. really enjoyed the article!