Category Archives: Intimacy

He Said, She Said

Intimacy, Psychology, Relationships, Sociology, Uncategorized, , , , , , ,

Words are so interesting.  The first time I realized that the word “sentence” could mean “a group of words that convey meaning” or “what you get when convicted of a crime,” well, I felt my brain explode.  How could a word mean such different things?  English teachers explained the importance of context clues.  We know what the word means because of the surrounding words – the context that the creator has developed. 

In our relationships, we often believe that the shared context is the relationship so the common words we use must mean the same thing to both of us.  We believe that a word has shared meaning and we do not need to check whether or not that is so.  When we are talking to our significant others, we generally feel quite certain that they know what we mean when use a word.

Unfortunately, this is not always the case and these misunderstandings can have negative consequences.  For example, I worked with a couple where the woman had never – in 8 years – said she was sorry.  Over time, he had become convinced that she was indifferent to his feelings; she simply didn’t care if he was hurt.  During a session, she stated quite emphatically, “Why would I say I am sorry?  I NEVER do anything to intentionally hurt him!”  And there it was.  For her, sorry meant she hurt him on purpose and with purpose.  In fact, over that same time period, she had become convinced that he thought she was a terrible person because every time he asked her to say she was sorry, she thought he was saying she had hurt him intentionally.  For him, the word sorry meant, “I know you’re hurt and I wish you weren’t” – it had nothing to do with whether the hurt happened with intent.

Now, think about what the word “commitment” means.  Really think.  How would you define it?

I worked with a couple that had very different interpretations of the word.  They had come in to talk about where their relationship was headed. They had been living together for quite some time.  She said she had begun to question his commitment.  He said, “I’m here aren’t I?” – he felt his actions provided all the evidence of commitment.  Eventually, I gave them each a piece of paper and asked them to write down what the word commitment meant to them.  She wrote three lines “living together, being supportive of individual goals, working toward mutual goals”.  He wrote several paragraphs.  The first began “commitment, being committed.  Being institutionalized.”  He went on to say “Nobody can ask for commitment.  It must be freely given” and added that commitment is a synonym for a trap, a “device meant to capture a living thing, so that it may be subjugated to the control of another entity”.  His focus was on commitment as a method for restricting freedom.  At first glance, these comments certainly seem irreconcilable, making one question if this couple should even be together.  Was this a deal breaker? https://real-matters.com/?p=19

Examining their definitions more closely, though, revealed that their relationship goals were not all that different.  The word commitment had only negative connotations for him, but as we discussed their relationship further, it became very clear that he wanted to spend his life with her; he wanted to make her happy, he wanted everything on her list.   He felt his actions demonstrated that he wanted to live together (he was there, as he had said), they were supportive of individual goals, and they were working toward mutual goals.  She agreed whole-heartedly. 

What they needed was a new language in their relationship. She learned to hear the commitment in his actions and he learned to use his words more often.  They both stopped using the word commitment and learned to see the beauty in the freedom to freely choose to be together.

This couple has been married for many years now.  Every holiday season they send me a card and in it they write, “Still married, but not committed” – makes me smile every time.

What can we all learn from this?  Among other things, we can learn that the assumptions we make about how someone else feels must be shared with them so they can be checked and addressed. We may be wrong about what they are thinking and feeling.  We can learn that the words we say to each other truly matter and that even words that are “common,” words that are used frequently by so many of us, can have very different emotional connotations to them.  When we reflect on the recurring arguments we have with someone who holds a special place in our lives, we might want to look more closely at the words we are using.  We might share our definition of those words and ask for theirs.  We may discover that we have the same goal and it is the words getting in our way, and not the sentiment behind them.

~“Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won’t come in.” ~ Isaac Asimov

Empty Nest or New Beginnings

Intimacy, Parenting, Psychology, Relationships, Uncategorized, , ,

I know so many couples starting out – moving in together, getting married. Interestingly, no one refers to them as empty nesters or asks them “How do feel now that you are empty nesters?” Yet, that is the most frequently asked question posed to their parents.

Rather than focusing on new beginnings and possibilities, as we do for couples starting out, the phrase “empty nest” causes parents to focus on the end of the family they grew and, hopefully, enjoyed. Empty, by definition, means, “containing nothing; not occupied or inhabited…lacking…substance, meaning, or value”. “Empty nest” implies a loss of some kind, an ending, a finality.

By including the phrase “empty nest” in the question, it almost demands a somewhat negative response. The word empty requires that the person responding address the connotation of the word. In other words, when people ask how one is adjusting to the “empty nest” it begs a response of how one is coping with some loss. Home is no longer full. Life is no longer full. The relationship with your significant other is lacking. Nothing is left. Generally, people respond in variations of “We’re adjusting,” “It’s much more quiet now,” or “I didn’t expect to miss them, but I do.”

Now that we’ve mused over the concept of empty, let’s think about the symbolism of the nest. Initially, one typically pictures a nest filled with baby birds chirping for their parents to feed them. But, before that picture can become a reality, one of two things had to happen. Either (1) birds built a brand new nest or (2) birds took over an abandoned nest. So the overall imagery is creating, building, filling. Abandoned nests are reclaimed and given new life. That is the symbolism that is much more relevant to human “empty nesters”; they are recreating their nest and repurposing it for their future life.

The nest symbolism is quite relevant. When we start out, we don’t focus on the nest we are leaving; rather, we focus on the nest we are building. The nest is not empty; it is filled with the love we have for each other. Over the years, we continued to fill the nest, with memories, with dreams created, fulfilled, or modified. We filled it with hopes, wishes, laughter, sadness, tears, surprises, fears, remorse, gratitude, friendships, and more and more opportunities for love.

When our lives have been so full, how can the nest ever be empty? Why would we suddenly wonder if our new life would be one “containing nothing; not occupied or inhabited…lacking…substance, meaning, or value”?

Clearly, when people ask, “How do feel now that you are empty nesters?” they do not intend to cause any sadness. Many probably hope they will hear about the “relief” of having our children leave or the pride in their ability to “fly on their own”. If that is what we actually want to hear about, then ask about their favorite memories of their life to this point, and their hopes, dreams, wishes, and plans for the future.

Let us help them repurpose their nest and remember that a nest can never be empty when it has been built from so many fulfilled dreams, so many goals for the present, and so many hopes for the future.

Just Because You Can Doesn’t Mean You Should

Intimacy, Parenting, Psychology, Relationships, Uncategorized, ,

Every psychological theory deals with our search for pleasure, our quest to satisfy the urges that society tries to keep in check. There are so many times in life when an opportunity arises that allows us to do something that we know is not quite right. When those circumstances arise, we are forced to confront our own morality; we either choose to “stay the course” or we create a series of justifications that allow us to do the very thing we “know” is not right.

As children, these choices are fairly innocuous. They might involve taking a cookie before dinner. Sometimes children follow the rules. Sometimes they justify – “It was only one cookie,” or “I was really hungry and I promise I will eat dinner anyway,” or “You are so mean!” Another choice a child might confront is staying up reading a book under the covers even though it’s time for lights out. Again, one might follow the rule. One might create justifications – “I was at a really good part and I had to finish it,” or “I’m not tired anyway!” These seem innocent, but really, it’s a difficult moral dilemma for a child: do I follow the rule or do what I want?

As we get older, the internal conflict is the same. We apply the age appropriate cognitive and emotional strategies we have to the problem and settle on our solution to it. What changes, however, is the level of risk associated with the choice we make. The risk involves how the choice impacts our sense of self – the way we think about ourselves. It also involves the consequences that society may impose on us if we are caught breaking the rule.

Let’s explore the idea of “because you can” a bit more. There are many activities that represent a minimal risk for getting caught. For example, people drive over the speed limit all the time; they rarely think they are doing anything wrong and are often angry when caught and given a speeding ticket. After all, why can cars go 100 mph if we are supposed to drive 25mph on a city street? It is not until someone is seriously injured that society reminds us that this speed rule exists for a reason – to keep others and us as safe as possible. So, just because we can speed doesn’t mean we should speed.

People who work in offices often take home office supplies.   Sometimes this is accidental and sometimes it is intentional. Taking home a few pens/pencils, paperclips or whatever is justified by “I work long hours and I don’t get paid enough” or “It’s just a stapler, it doesn’t cost the company anything,” or “everyone does it.” The justifications tell us that we know it is wrong – we know we should not – but we are going to do it anyway because we can.

An older child might face a choice regarding whether or not to cheat on an exam; an adult might face a choice regarding whether or not to cheat on their partner. The justifications created are often quite similar: “I had to cheat because (everyone else cheats, the situation was unfair, no one understands me and the stress I’m under). The choice to cheat can impact the sense of self in changing the way we think about ourselves (honest/dishonest or smart/less smart). The consequences if caught by society can be similar as well – some type of ostracism (detention/expulsion; separation/divorce).

All of these scenarios are examples of moral dilemmas that challenge us to consider whether we should or should not do something and each decision could affect our sense of self.

A quick rule of thumb for evaluating how we will feel after a decision is the number of justifications we need to create. The more justifications created, the more uncomfortable we are with our potential decision. Some justifications are Freudian in nature; we justify our Id impulses by determining that our pleasure is more important than someone else’s or that it is acceptable to gain our pleasure at the expense of another’s pain. Some justifications are cognitive and are based on our irrational thinking that “everyone” is doing it or would do it or that we are the “only one” not engaging in this behavior. Some justifications are behaviorist in nature; the reward is the only consideration. If we can get the reward while avoiding the punishment then we will do the action. Finally, some justifications are humanist in nature. A humanist justification is best understood by rephrasing the “should” to a want or need. If one says I should cheat on my significant other, the justifications flow more easily than if one says I want/need to cheat on my significant other. The word choice helps clarify not only the problem, but the motivation and emotion behind it.

The long and short of it: it is not always easy to look ourselves in the mirror after we choose to do something simply because we could. So, don’t do something because you can, do it because it’s right for you.

Love Them the Way They Want

Differences, Intimacy, Psychology, Relationships, Uncategorized,

I opened my eyes and my husband immediately cheered, “Happy Birthday!”

I love birthdays and he knows that. I know, however, that he is not one who enjoys celebrating his own birthday; he does not like anyone to make a fuss. He would not like it if I greeted him like that on his birthday.  His enthusiasm for my birthday, however, was not fake; it was a reflection of his willingness to love me the way I want and need to be loved.

It took me a long time to realize how important it is to love someone the way they want to be loved. Most of us just assume that everyone wants to be loved the way we want to be, but that is simply not the case. If a relationship is going to last long-term, we need to accept the way a person is able to love us and we have to do our best to love them the way they want to be loved. If all parties are on board with this idea, it is a really beautiful thing.

Examples are definitely needed now. I have worked with couples that argue over texting. She might complain that he does not text her when he wakes up in the morning, or does not text often enough (or quickly enough) during the day. He responds that he doesn’t have the kind of job that allows him to text often. Underneath this discussion is her desire to be loved through attentiveness and his desire to have her love for him expressed through trust that he is thinking of her even if he is not texting her. He needs to give her that morning text (to love her the way she wants to be loved) and she needs to accept fewer texts during the day (to love him the way he needs to be loved – by demonstrating trust that she is in his thoughts).

Another couple ostensibly argues over money, but they are really arguing over how they want to be loved. He works two jobs so he can save for the house he thinks she deserves. She complains that she never sees him. She doesn’t see that he is expressing his love for her through his commitment to earning and saving money. He doesn’t see that she can’t envision their life in that home if it does not include spending time with him along the way. They both need to value the way the other person loves them – and they need to do their best to love their partner in the way he/she wants to be loved. He needs to ask if she really wants that house he thinks she deserves; it may be what she really wants is his time. She needs to ask how she can reduce the pressure he puts on himself or how she can help him be able to spend more time with her.

One person wants flowers; another wants cards. One person wants words; another wants actions. One person wants expensive gifts; another wants homemade gifts. The key is to recognize the message in whatever its form takes. One must recognize that the person is telling us “I love you” – they are just sometimes doing it in the way they want to be loved. If they can’t (or won’t change that), and you can’t (or don’t want to) accept the way they love, then the relationship is likely to be rocky and unsatisfying at best.

This concept extends beyond couples; it involves parents and children too. Issues with sons and daughters-in-law often revolve around family differences in how love is expressed. One family expresses love by cooking meals; another by taking people out for dinner. One expresses love by refraining from giving advice; another by giving advice. One expresses love by telling their children “You’re on your own”; another by saying, “No matter what, we will be here for you.”   One expresses love by praising their children; others by giving them money. One expresses love by babysitting; another by buying toys. If we misunderstand the way love is expressed, we can begin to resent the other person, thinking them cold, indifferent, or intrusive. Just because it is not the way we want to be loved, does not mean the other person is not expressing love. They are simply expressing it the only way they know how.

The key to this is communicating with each other about how you want to be loved – and listening to the other person. I was teaching a class recently and I was discussing this idea. One of my students added that his wife had always told him all she really wanted for their anniversary was a homemade card. He said, “So this year, I took her up on it. I drew a card with a heart on it. I drew two stick figures inside and said they were the two of us. She loved it! I don’t know why it took me 33 years to listen to her words.”

I just loved that story. There was such honesty and genuineness and universality in it. There was such optimism in it. It is never to late to love another in the way they want and need to be loved.

When Sex and Intimacy Got a Divorce

Equality, Intimacy, Psychology, Relationships, Sociology, Uncategorized, , , ,

As far as I can recall, the separation began in the 1960s. Women’s liberation was making its mark. Women took off their bras, declared that they were more than their bodies, and demanded true equality in the workplace and at home. These were wonderful truths and wonderful goals. Women were ready to move from a norm where sex was a male prerogative and they were simply there to please the men they married. We were ready to move away from the imbalance of power between the sexes. Again, a very good goal.

The difficulty with any social change is that to change we focus on the extremes. The horror, the injustice, moves us to fix the problem. What is lost in the process is the fact that most of us do not live on the extremes; our lives are more normal than that. So, while the stated norm was that sex was a male prerogative there were always men and women who were eager to satisfy each other’s sexual needs and recognized that their own pleasure was enhanced by pleasing their partner (whether opposite sex partner or same sex partner). In reality, just as it is today, the balance of power was not a giant divide, but a place where control shifts from side and side and where each member has responsibility for the actions they take. Men are not always the enemy, women are not always the victims; we all make choices and our choices have consequences that impact us in the moment and in our futures.

While it may seem I have digressed, I hope you will now see the connection. The focus on the extremes led us, I think, to a new extreme – to a place where the norm is that sex is an activity one can engage in solely for pleasure, divorced from intimacy. Early on in the separation process, I began to hear of the “three date rule” (you have sex by the third date or you stop dating that person). Now, of course, there are apps where you simply pick a person based on their looks, “hook up”, and resume your life as it was before the act of fulfilling your need for physical pleasure. In sessions, I meet men and women who feel embarrassed that they want more from sex than that; they want to feel a connection.   I think the embarrassment stems from the shift to this new extreme and the fact that our focus became intercourse (sex) rather than sexuality.

Sexuality involves intimacy. It involves familiarity with the other person, knowledge of and an understanding of that person, a feeling of affection for them, and at its deepest level, a feeling of love for them. Sexuality is a term that encompasses values, body image, sense of self, and self-respect, as well as intercourse. This broader definition brings trust, caring, concern, warmth, and connection back into the equation.

Our power – our control over our bodies and our lives – lies in our sexuality, not in our ability to have sex without intimacy. It lies in our ability to trust our partner, to know that they are looking out for our pleasure (as we are looking out for theirs). It lies in our willingness to be vulnerable – because vulnerability in a trusting relationship allows us to not only be genuine, but to move out of our comfort zone and to grow. Our power lies in our ability to give consent based on our values, our body image, our sense of self, and our self-respect. Our power lies in knowing that our value to the other person does not rest on what we do in this moment, but in the fact that our partner knows and understands us, values us, and that their affection and/or love is not based on the moment, but on our history and our future. Our power rests in knowing that a “no” does not mean our time together is over.

I do hope that sex and intimacy reconcile. For it is in that reconciliation that true pleasure is found.