Category Archives: Psychology

The Walking Dead

Psychology, Sociology, Uncategorized, , , , ,

I see them everywhere. I see them on buses and trains, with their heads bobbing uncontrollably. I see them holding onto steering wheels in cars while the traffic moves, sometimes at high rates of speed, other times in the slow, rhythmic stop-and-go traffic characteristic of cities. I see them in restaurants staring at their phones, mesmerized by the screen. I see them holding on to magazines and books with their eyes closed. I see them holding their babies. I see them in class trying to hold their heads up, fearing that if they move their hand from their chin they will fall onto the desk and fall asleep – not because they are bored, but because they are bone tired. When I ask my students, “If I shut the lights and told you it was naptime, how many of you think you could fall asleep?” almost all of them say they could. We are an exhausted society.

Sleep, while incredibly important for our physical well-being, is often put at the bottom of our priority list. First we have to complete our list of things we need to do (go to work/school, complete an assignment, get food/water, ensure that we have clean clothes to wear, and so on). Then we have to complete our list of what we want to do (talk to our friends, watch some Netflix, exercise, and so on). I know we also all have the unending list of things we should do – but if you read my first blog you know I prefer to change that list to needs/wants. In any event, sleep tends to go to the bottom of all these lists – it is something we do when we complete the things we need/want/should do – or something we do unexpectedly…we fall asleep while doing something on those lists.

Let’s go back a bit. I said sleep is incredibly important, but I gave no supporting evidence. We all get by, so what is the big deal, right? Well, sleep is restorative. It is where growth happens; as adults we tend to think “I’m grown, so who cares?” Our cells are restored during sleep; we would not need the soaps that claim to rid us of wrinkles or the shampoos that claim to give luster to our hair. Sleep would give us those things. Sleep refreshes us, helps us process and recover from the day’s events. It helps restore our energy for the next day. Lack of sleep, on the other hand, reduces our concentration, our attention, and our motor skills. It makes it more difficult for us to be patient, so our mood fluctuates and we seem angrier. If our concentration is reduced, our attention is less focused, and we seem less energetic, then we are also likely to be described as less motivated than our more well rested peers.

Most of us cope with our lack of sleep by increasing our caffeine consumption. (I will not entertain the use of more serious stimulants as an option here, although I am certainly aware of their use and impact. We will stick to a discussion of caffeine because it is legal and readily accessible, with no real constraints even with regard to age). It is in soda (even some that are not cola based), coffee, tea, chocolate, ice cream, some pain medications, energy drinks – including water that is marketed as energy packed. It is difficult to know how much caffeine we are ingesting a day; it is not a nutrient so it is not listed on the Nutrient Facts Panel; if it is added to a food as an ingredient, then it must be on the food products label (http://www.fda.gov/AboutFDA/Transparency/Basics/ucm194317.htm). The point is, very few of us are keeping track of our daily consumption of caffeine, but it is likely impacting our sleep patterns.

Caffeine is not “bad”. It certainly, like all stimulants, gives us a burst of energy, increases our optimism, making us feel like we can get it ALL done, helps us feel like we can concentrate on the task at hand. Problem is, our energy is not always focused. We sit down with that cup of coffee and our book to read. Then we jump up because we forgot our highlighter. Then we get up to get our phone that we forgot near the coffee pot. Then we…anyway, our focus is not always there. Sometimes we are so unfocused that the “fall” from the burst happens before we accomplish our goal. The solution? More caffeine. No, not really: the solution is more sleep. After all, it is sleep that actually restores our energy and helps us concentrate and helps us maintain an optimistic mood.   I guess this is the right place to mention that caffeine, if we overdo it, does have some negative associations. It can make us anxious (our heartbeats will certainly increase), it can cause dehydration, stomach upset, and lack of appetite. If you really want to understand its side effects, try giving it up for a day. My students often try this as a challenge I offer them; they write about their withdrawal headaches, their irritability, their fatigue. They are miserable for the day. That has to tell us something about our over reliance on it.

So, back to the idea that we need more sleep. How can we really get more?

  1. We need to relax before bed. Clear our heads of what is bothering us. Children are great at that. We can be with them all day, asking about their day. They have nothing to say until they are in bed and then they “remember” about something they forgot to do, or got in trouble for doing. They call out to a parent, who comforts them. They fall asleep, sometimes the parent does not, taking the worry on as their own. Interestingly, many couples do this too. They wait until they are in bed and then say things like “Did I tell you I forgot to pay the credit card bill?” or “Did I mention that I’m going out of town this weekend?” Upsetting conversations do not belong at the end of the day or in the bedroom.
  2. Make the bedroom a relaxing place. Sending children to their room as a punishment only creates association of bed with “bad” and withdrawal of love. Those emotions are not compatible with sleep. Making the bedroom their playroom is also a problem, blurring the line between playtime and bedtime. For adults, too, bedroom associations of relaxation and intimacy are far more likely to produce a restful sleep than associations of arguments and rejection.
  3. Allow yourself time to daydream before bed. That can be much more relaxing than watching the news or even reading a book that keeps you wanting to find out what happens next. A good daydream allows us to escape from the realities we face, while affording the opportunity to put ourselves in the role of “winner”. We can accomplish anything in a daydream and, with enough rest, we could more easily turn those daydreams into realities.
  4. Concentrating on what you accomplished is more relaxing than concentrating on what you did not do during the day or what is left to do tomorrow. Thinking about what you did provides closure. I did make that phone call, I did send out resumes/do my homework (or some of it), I did text my friends. When we concentrate on what we did not do, it increases our anxiety, not only about the day we had and the decisions we made, but about what the next day will be like as well. Whatever we did do during the day, we did because it had value to us. If we accept that fact, then a positive closure follows, and so does a more restful sleep.
  5. If you have the same list of things you did not accomplish every night, make a note to figure out a better plan after you get that sleep. For example, if you did not do laundry 4 days in a row, maybe it is time to ask someone else for some help with it. Or maybe it is a chore you do not like and you can “trade chores” with a housemate. Or maybe you can save money somewhere else and pay to have the laundry done for you. Sleep helps us be more creative problem solvers.
  6. Turn down the lights – especially on your devices. The light mimics daytime and confuses your brain into thinking it should be awake. Less light, more sleep.
  7. Tackle the shoulds. Write them down so they do not continually play over and over again in your head. As we try to remember our list, we get more anxious and sleep evades us. So, write them down. Look the list over in the morning and make a real effort to convert them to needs and wants so the “should” can either be accomplished or discarded.
  8. Make a “happy book”. Put some fun pictures or nice quotes in there. Look at it before bed so you end the day thinking of good thoughts. Good thoughts can be elusive, and something concrete to look at can be very helpful.
  9. Did I mention reducing that caffeine during the day? If that is difficult, end the caffeine intake earlier in the day. Being able to drink a 20 ounce coffee before going to bed is a sign of caffeine tolerance; it means you need more for the same effect of energy. However, that tolerance is impacting the quality of your sleep.
  10. Blow some bubbles. Yes, you read that right. Blowing bubbles helps us take a deep breath. Then we need to release it. Then we can imagine our troubles floating away in the bubbles. It can be a great way to end the day.

I wish you restful nights and energetic tomorrows!

“A ruffled mind makes a restless pillow” ~Charlotte Brontë

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Why Worry?

Psychology, Sociology, Uncategorized,

Worry gets a bad name. It is often considered a fault, a personality characteristic to be “fixed” or removed. There are hundreds of quotes that warn us about the uselessness of worry. Psychologists, myself included, help people minimize their worrying and anxiety. The question that haunts me is: If worrying is so bad, why do we all do it? What value does it have? What does it do for us as individuals and as members of the collective of humankind?

One value is that worriers are often very empathetic people: they can put themselves in the place of others, are able to allow themselves the risk of feeling someone else’s pain, they are smart, they are often aware of risks that others do not see, or choose to block out. Worriers allow the rest of us to not worry; they take on that burden for us. We criticize them and then rely on them for the very things we choose not to worry about – having a tissue, a bandage, a pin to hide the fact that we lost a button. We criticize them for worrying about the bigger things too – but when they continue to point out the issues (you know, like worrying if you’ll make your flight in enough time or, even larger, worrying about climate change), eventually they show us the path to a solution to the problem.

Worry, then, has an important human function; it often signals to us that some action is needed. This, I think, is part of the answer. Worry is useful when it results in an action that makes something better. What actions are possible? Actions that change the situation, or actions that change our attitude about the situation. Worry has a bad name because it is connected, in some way, to not being able to control the situation that is worrying us. So, worrying about a potential accident seems useless – until we realize that if we control our actions (wear safe shoes, drive safe cars, be attentive when walking alone), or our attitude (“I do all I can to be safe”), then the worry results in something we can control and something that, therefore, has a value. When worry results in no change of action or attitude, it is a negative trait. When it results in action, I am suggesting that it is (although it’s hard for me to admit) a positive trait.

The idea that worrying is not all bad will be quite a relief for worriers because worriers often suffer. They feel it physically. Their hearts race, their pupils dilate, their perspiration increases, and their digestion stops (they feel it in their stomach – they feel nauseous or feel like they need to defecate). They feel it emotionally, dreading that something awful has happened or will happen. Their worry can reduce their personal happiness. It can impact their relationships. The criticism they receive and the teasing about their anxious state wears them down and separates them from others.

I am proposing that the non-worriers of the world pause for a moment to consider the fact that worry, when it flows from caring and concern, has a value. It can result in useful actions. It is something that can bring people closer together rather than further apart. For that to happen, non-worriers have to hear the issue being presented and respond to the issue – not to the assumptions we make about the worrier or the reason they are worried. This dynamic often comes into play in the interactions between parents and adult children, partly because, no matter how old the children are, and no matter how aware parents are that their children are fully grown, very capable, independent, and self-sufficient adults–for most parents, their children will also always be their babies. For example, an intelligent, young, single woman, very successfully living on her own in NYC, tells her mother that she met a young man online, and she’s made plans to meet him for drinks. The mother and daughter engage in a script that is familiar to both of them. (A script is a mental picture of the behaviors that are expected in a situation). The mother asks for details about him: What’s his name? How old is he? Where does he live? What does he do? Where does he work? Phone number? No matter that the daughter has undoubtedly already discovered and evaluated a great deal of basic information about the young man—the worrying mother thinks, “he could be a serial killer!!” The assumptions the young woman makes during this exchange probably include: (1) my parent doesn’t trust me, (2) my parent thinks I am still a child, (3) my parent is such a nag, (4) my parent is just crazy!!   Such assumptions easily result in frustration, anger, and/or an argument. If the young adult assumes instead that the worry is a sign of love, and realizes that the worry is in part based on real (although, thankfully, rare) dreadful events on the news, then the result can be a very different response. Possibly something like, “I understand your concern, but I have this. I’ll be careful.” If the young adult says, “I love you too, and I’ll text you when I get home” it really changes the conversation. Instead of arguing about how the parent is always nagging or how the young adult is immature or irresponsible, the conversation ends with an emotional connection.

Additionally, couples often consist of a worrier and non-worrier. They also engage in scripts. For example, the non-worrier often tells the worrier that they are being “ridiculous” – there is no cause for concern, they are exaggerating the danger, they are negative and take the joy out of “everything”. The worrier, in turn, finds the non-worrier irresponsible or immature, impulsive, and unable to see the realistic picture. Often, the non-worrier tries to hide their real concerns, thinking if they express any concern at all, it will put the worrier “over the edge.” This script, however, only increases the worry because the worrier finds this “cavalier” attitude cause for concern because it indicates that the non-worrier is making absolutely no effort to control the dangers. The worry increases, the physical reaction to it increases, the emotional reaction increases, making the worrier even more concerned. This, in turn, increases the efforts of the non-worrier to minimize the perceived dangers. This script escalates the problem rather than addresses it. It is much more productive for the non-worrier to acknowledge the concerns brought up, address how they are being handled (making the worrier feel that the dangers are at least somewhat controlled), and end with “I understand your concern, but I have this. I’ll be careful.”

I am not unrealistic. This small change in script is not going to change the entire dynamic between a worrier and a non-worrier. It is not going to eliminate the unpleasant physical reaction to worry. It will not eliminate all annoyance in the non-worrier. But it will change something (and that is the point of worry). It will change the relationship because when the young adult leaves after addressing the worry, the parent is forced to see him/her as “responsible” and “mature” and worried about their own safety and the happiness of the parent. The parent eventually (hopefully) sees less need for worry. It will change a couple’s relationship by helping each partner acknowledge (and hopefully understand) the other’s concern (and lack of concern).

Now for those big worries, like climate change and getting robbed and cars being hacked into while we are driving…well those worries need to result in a change too. We need to listen to these concerns with an appreciation for the importance of worry, the importance of preparedness, and the focus on concern for humankind. If we assume that the worriers have our best interests at heart, the conversation that follows will certainly be a more productive one.

So, to return to my opening question – If worrying is so bad, why do we all do it? What value does it have? What does it do for us as individuals and as members of the collective of humankind? The value of worry is in its potential to move us toward action when action is needed.

Diane Urban, PhD

“I can’t change the direction of the wind but I can change the direction of my sails to get to my destination.” ~ Jimmy Dean

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