This year we have all struggled with social distancing. We have seen so many different ways to ensure that we keep our distance –from diagrams on the floor to pool noodle hats. The truth is, we already knew how to keep our distance from strangers. In the United States, six feet between strangers is the norm and when we are forced to be closer than that we use other strategies to maintain distance (like avoid eye contact). So what we have truly struggled with this year is maintaining social intimacy while simultaneously maintaining physical distance from family and friends who do not live with us.
Physical proximity is a key component of intimacy. We use “nearness” as a measure for grouping. Gestalt psychology identified this principle in the 1800s; items that are near each other – even if they are not similar – are organized as a group. For example, different flowers (roses, lilies, tulips) become a bouquet when they are tied together. Our social groups are formed this way too. We know someone is a stranger if they are physically distant from us; we know they are part of our intimate circle if they are near us. We look at a baby we do not know; our baby sits on our lap. Others know we are intimate because of that proximity, a level of closeness reserved for that relationship. Every day we scanned the world and made these quick and usually valid assumptions about intimacy based on proximity. On the first day of class, students select a seat closer to friends; they leave space if they enter a room and see only unfamiliar faces. We assumed people were family and friends because they hugged, they shared a chair, they were holding hands, or they were resting their heads on each other’s shoulders.
Covid-19 changed all of that. Suddenly, intimacy could not be determined by physical proximity. Family members outside the “pod” had to keep the same physical distance as total strangers. Our confusion was made worse by calling it social distancing, putting in our minds that we needed to keep away from people, we needed to limit our interactions. Really all we needed to limit was our proximity. Our task, our very difficult task, was maintaining social intimacy in the absence of touch.
This new path was a struggle for all of us; it was a struggle because touch is a key part of intimacy. Some have managed better than others. For some, technology has helped; video calls allow a greater perception of proximity than an audio call does. For some, those with a yard or access to outdoor space, the “seeing” eased it a bit. But at the end, the roller coaster of emotion always included a desire to touch. We didn’t – and still do not – know how to end a call or a visit; the usual was a hug, a handshake, a touch of some kind.
I do realize that with the vaccines and all we have learned this year, physical intimacy will return. But it is still months away. We need to use this time developing new strategies for intimacy. Where a hug could make us feel loved, we need to be better at using our words to express it. We need to use our eyes better, use them to express the tenderness we feel inside. We need to use our words of support more frequently. We need to share our thoughts more frequently (even the bittersweet ones the “I made this meal I know you like – it made me think of you and miss you – I can’t wait until we can share the meal again). We need to share our recipes, our strategies, and our hopes. We need to share ourselves on a deeper level and if we do that I guarantee you that when we do hug again – and we will – it will be even better than we remember!
Thank you Diane for adding pieces to the void that has developed from the Covid -19 pandemic. Quarantining can cause mental shut downs in the elderly, especially those with outgoing personalities, it forces humans to become almost inhumane to say the least, you become auto-mated, feelings disapate and recognition is just part of the job. I took the first vaccine 01/08/21 and six days later I tested positive for the Covid -19 virus, my doctor called with the results and informed me to quarantine for fourteen days with a matter of factly attitude, needlessly to say I was like a stranger in my own home, confused, dazed, and as you pointed out, with no intimacy. Day fourteen couldn’t come soon enough, I retested with a negative result, and received the second vaccine and with two test after that I’m still negative with no signs of having the covid virus. The unknown aspects of this virus and those who are trying to contain it here in America leaves you wondering whether capitalism is also robbing us of our human traits. The intimacy at home has returned, but, as a person who has been temporarily disconnected from our world as we know it, on any given day our lives can become so not ours Diane, so thank you for your social distancing piece.
Diane , I totally agree with you that in that we already do know how to social distance, and that it is the lack of intimacy with out close friends and family it is that we are missing. I myself and really social at times, always the one to put together a last min outing or get together. I would call everyone and just reminisce about how a while back on this this day before pandemic or this time before pandemic we were doing such and such and how I can’t wait for the pandemic to be over so we could all have a get together normally.
Diane, I agree that the conditions of this pandemic challenge the way so many of us make sense of the world and find safety within spaces. Your point about proximity being an indication of level of care and comfort made me think that during COVID times those unspoken rules are flipped.
So often this last year, strangers have broken the 6-3 feet barrier without thought or apology – knocking past in a hurry to get something or somewhere, or ignoring the suggested distance markers when waiting in line at Target. Whereas in smaller community settings where there are established relationships built on trust and respect, like at work or a small local grocer, people are much more attentive to keeping distance and doing so kindly, because that is the way to express care right now. So in this way, the script is flipped and those who we know and trust are staying safely apart and those who don’t know or care about us are walking too close.
I don’t think the reversal of these norms will last but it was interesting to see them in this context. So thank you!
I totally agree with this post especially when you say “We didn’t – and still do not – know how to end a call or a visit”. I find it difficult parting from social interactions, I either come across as rude or just continue coming up with new talking points to avoid the awkward goodbye point. I felt way more comfortable having conversations before corona- now I have to remember to keep my distance but make sure I am still expressing how I feel using my words.
I agree with this post it will definitely take some time for us to return to our more intimate social norms with loved ones. A major thing I’ve seen within my profession is lack of the ability to comfort. Now we are allowing one family member to accompany the patients to the hospital or whenever the patient is transported back they often have a family member with them. However, due to constant social distancing I notice every time the family member stays aside from the patient. They don’t hug, touch or hold their hand to provide extra comfort. They often stare as if in a daze until I prompt them to do otherwise. Being that I wear gloves sometimes I just hold the patients hand and they often won’t want to let go. Some facilities aren’t allowing visitation still so I have seen new norms such as some nurses filling gloves with warm water and placing them on patients to stimulate the feeling of someone being there. A lot of people have noticeably been having less conversation as well so they communicate in an awkward fashion or hold extremely long conversations just for the comfort. I think in hospital settings we’ll be social distancing for a bit longer then other settings. I think it may be good for controlling the spread of not only COVID but other things as well. However, I do think us social distancing in other settings and amongst other groups has caused a socially awkward situation nation wide and I don’t think it will last long.
I agree with this so much. There are certain situations where I forget that 6 feet of distance is not normal. When I am in line waiting to pay for something or when going somewhere, my mind automatically tells me to move back because we are still in the middle of the pandemic. Although I have been able to normalize 6 feet, it was not an easy process. There were multiple times where I would get close to my family members and immediately back away. There was also that mandate that you can only have 10 people attend an event and maintain the social distance which never really worked out. The first time going to a family event during the pandemic was odd, we were all so afraid of the virus and acted completely different. Some of us were so afraid they stayed in a room all to themselves and never came out. Seeing the world normalize all the mandates is going to help us go back to life before COVID-19.
You never know what you have until you lose it. This is what the pandemic has made me realize, how socialization and how we socialize was such a precious gift which made us feel included. Social intimacy I agree is what we miss the most in our society to let us feel belong. The pandemic has change how we socialize and it makes me wonder if we ever get social intimate once again which will make us feel comfortable and safe or is it being socially distant the new normal? I believe though we social intimate creatures so a couple more years we will be back to normal because it is apart of our nature. I know I will cherish those times again and the memories for social intimacy. This pandemic has change my whole life and one thing mostly not take anything for granted.
During the beginning of the pandemic it was extremely difficult for my family. We have a rather large family and always greet each other with a kiss on the cheek or a hug, but when Cvoid19 hit, we were no longer able to do so, suddenly there were no family dinners, no hugs, and for some of my family members it felt rather isolating to not have the intimacy they once did before the pandemic. I would have to say though, that during that time when we could meet outside or FaceTime as posed to grabbing coffee etc, it provided a comfort to many, “seeing” as opposed to touching definitely became the new normal in many families, and just like the rest of the world we had to figure out how to show intimacy without physical touch.