Discussing Real Matters – Zoom with Dr. Urban

Sleep Like A Baby

Children’s authors know how to put a humorous spin on why we humans sometimes have a difficult time falling asleep.  They also have a knack for simplifying sound psychological principles. Since sleep issues are increasing, I thought it would be fun to discuss what we could all learn from some classic books. Join me for an hour-long online discussion via Zoom at 7PM on Tuesday, January 19th. We will discuss such books as Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown and Dad! I Can’t Sleep! by Michael Forman.  If you are not familiar with these books, you can take a look at them via these links: https://www.readstoriesforkids.com/Goodnight-Moon.html and https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=230752381400802

The books will be our path to discussing real matters; the path to real matters will hopefully bring us all a little joy.

The fee is $5.00 for one person; $10.00 for 2 or more, payable in advance via Venmo (@Diane-Urban-5) RSVP requested by 5PM on 1/18  RSVP via this link: https://forms.gle/WBxUkRdrzEmndu7W8 When you respond, include your answers to these question: Why do you think you are having trouble falling or staying asleep? What is the best advice you ever got as a child or gave to a child about falling asleep?

Looking forward to seeing you!!!

Creating the Best Possible Holidays: The Final Challenge of 2020

Last week, we gathered virtually to discuss what we love most about the holidays, what is stressful about this year’s holidays, and what we can do to make them as enjoyable as ever – even though they may look different.  After connecting and brainstorming with others, we all felt more energized and optimistic about the holidays!  Here is a brief summary of what we discussed:

We have been taught to be ashamed of daydreaming – taught it is a waste of our time – but really, it is a tool for assessing optimism, creativity, and intellectual potential.  Daydreams are a momentary escape from reality.  All psychologists listen to daydreams because they help us assess a person’s intellectual capacity (level of complexity and abstractness of daydream), creativity (new stories/endings/plot twists), and, most importantly, the person’s optimism.  They should, therefore, take us somewhere fun/better than where we are.  And ultimately, daydreams are a path to making plans. 

Prior to our discussion, participants were asked to tell me what it is they most enjoy about the holidays.  These became the starting point for our daydreams.

Many participants said they most enjoy seeing family and friends.  I stressed how if our daydream is going to be not only fun but also fruitful, it needs details.  So, we began with my daydream about seeing family and friends.  For example, I enjoy the anticipation – anticipation of providing some small surprise, some small delight.  Usually, I do that by offering a new food, usually an appetizer.  Every year it is something different.  My daydream leads to how can I do that this year?

Together, we brainstormed possibilities: (1) share the recipe and we all cook it individually so we continue that tradition, (2) share a video of me preparing it because it is that time in the kitchen chatting that I enjoy, or (3) share the recipe and talk about how the cooking went over Zoom.

Eating is a big part of the holidays for many of us.  This led to the details of the special dishes we have at the holiday, maybe green bean casserole, or a special stuffing, or other side dishes. 

We daydreamed possible plans:  1) Making a turkey in advance so it can be picked up by/delivered to others and get some sides from them.  2) Cooking some parts of the meal together over Zoom because, for many, the preparing the meal and sharing that time with others is the source of the fun (even more than the actual eating of the meal).  3) Others are going to cook like every year, but this year they will share the food the day before and on the day they will to eat together over Zoom and then play virtual games. 4) We discussed Zoom “rules” such as the opportunity for the holidays to be a “pop in and out” event. This would minimize Zoom fatigue and allow people to walk around as we do during any holiday and “pop” on screen to share something we are eating, doing, thinking, or singing!

We discussed some special traditions and how we can continue them in a different way this yearFor example, my family adds “feathers” to a holiday turkey.  Will I have them send me what they are grateful for, or have them tell me over Zoom, or make small turkeys for them to have at their homes this year?

Future talk then became our focus.  We talked about being able to daydream about our wishes (Wouldn’t it be nice if we could hug?  Wouldn’t it be nice if we could (all) be together?  Wouldn’t it be nice if we could sit closer together at the table?).  The ability to wish, to embrace the daydream, is a key to finding both happiness in the moment (the actual daydream) and to imagining a way to come up with the “next best thing”.

Memory Maps also seemed to be something we all agreed could be fun over the holidays.  We agreed that creating a memory map over Zoom or preparing them in advance would provide wonderful conversation and bring us joy.  The idea is to reflect on happy memories and by doing so provide a happy memory of 2020.  One participant suggested that since sharing stories seemed to be such an important part of the holiday, that holiday interviews be a part of the 2020 holiday.  That could be done over Zoom, with an email chain, or through a site such as Flipboard to facilitate the interviews and make it fun.

Future talk and memory maps led easily into our daydreams about how good spirits/feeling of the season is the most enjoyable part for many of us.  And we realized that we could still achieve that feeling of the season by using our daydreams and creativity.

Since the purpose of our daydreams was to make holiday plans, we also talked about the challenges.  The challenges included trying to figure out how to keep things as normal as possible for our kids and parents, not being able to celebrate with family in person, missing decorating together,  and balancing keeping elder family members safe while making it magical for a little one who wants to know is Santa can still come with the virus.  The challenges also included families not being on the same page about what’s safe and what’s not and how to be together without giving in to the urge to hug.

Solutions included investing in a portable fire pit and a patio heater so we can continue to see family/friends outdoors,  showing outdoor movies using a sheet as a screen and investing in a projector (perhaps with neighbors or other family members so it can be shared), or having a Netflix party in holiday pajamas to watch a holiday film.  Since we cannot use actions (hugs) to express the joy of seeing family/friends, we must become more comfortable using our words to express our emotions.  We also came up with a post-pandemic solution – to throw a theme party in which everyone comes dressed as their favorite holiday and celebrate them all at once!

We all found it helpful to remember that 2020 is a “blip” – it will not be like this forever.  We are daydreaming about this year, not all the years to come.

Finally, we discussed seeing holidays through the eyes of our children.  This one was the toughest for me because it represents the loss we feel that our children cannot have the type of experience we wanted them to have.  We reframed this as wanting to give them the best possible holiday.  We need to remember that from their perspective, it will be magical because we are their world and by being there for them we make the magic.  They will still feel the love and that is the true message of the holidays.

We ended our discussion with a response to a participants’ pre-workshop question: “Are holidays dying? They don’t feel real”. This question made me think of the essay, “Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus”. In 1897, an 8 year old girl has written to the editor of the Sun, a New York newspaper.  The whole editorial response is beautiful but my favorite line is, “He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist”.

The fact that we all made time to talk about how to make the holidays special this year – not just for ourselves but, clearly, for those we love – is proof that love, generosity and devotion do still exist.  Therefore, the holidays will remain alive, well, and joyful.

I hope you will join us for our next Zoom discussion!

Discussing Real Matters – Zoom with Dr. Urban

Creating the Best Possible HolidaysThe Final Challenge of 2020

This year the holidays will be different.  Different is not a synonym for bad; it does not mean less fun.  It simply means not the same.  Different is an invitation to be creative.

Join me for an hour-long online discussion via Zoom at 7PM on Tuesday, November 10th for a discussion about how we can celebrate the holidays, whether it is in person, virtually, or in our daydreams and memories. Let’s pool our creative resources and help each other celebrate. 

The fee is $5.00 for one; $10.00 for 2 or more, payable in advance via Venmo (@Diane-Urban-5).

Please RSVP here: https://forms.gle/6HQ8owueD2s9U8c86 When you respond, include your answer to this question: What is it you most enjoy about the holidays?

Looking forward to seeing you!!!

Discussing Real Matters – Zoom with Dr. Urban

Heads or Tales? The Psychology Hidden in Our Favorite Children’s Books

Children’s books are designed to teach children how to handle everyday situations such as handling frustration, taking responsibility, making choices, and having fun. In other words, they teach the skills we will employ throughout our adult lives.  Heads or Tales will explore how these “simple” books incorporate psychological theories and can tell us a great deal about our underlying beliefs about human nature.

Join me for an hour-long online discussion via Zoom at 7PM on Tuesday, September 29th. We will read The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein. If you’re not familiar with the book, you can take a look at it here: https://www.slideshare.net/wicaksana/the-giving-tree-3293089

The book will be our path to discussing real matters; the path to real matters will hopefully bring us all a little joy.

The fee is $5.00 for one; $10.00 for 2 or more, payable in advance via Venmo (@Diane-Urban-5)  

Please RSVP here: https://forms.gle/6HQ8owueD2s9U8c86

Mindfulness in a Year When Mindfulness Seems Impossible – Zoom with Diane Urban

Mindfulness is a “mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations.”   But who wants to focus on the present moment these days?  Who is calm?  Who can calmly acknowledge thoughts and feelings? 

Mindfulness is a challenge in the best of times, but 2020 has brought the challenge to the Olympic level.  This workshop is designed to explore the obstacles to mindfulness, how to clear the path to that goal, and, most importantly, it is designed to bring us all a little joy.

Join me for an hour long online discussion via Zoom at 7PM on Thursday, August 27th.

The fee is $5.00 for one; $10.00 for 2 or more, payable in advance via Venmo (@Diane-Urban-5)  

Please RSVP herehttps://forms.gle/6HQ8owueD2s9U8c86

Defending Your Mental Health During COVID-19

Re-opening has caused us all a bit of anxiety.  Different rules in different areas, different comfort levels for people not only in the same geographical area, but even for people sharing the same home.  So, I thought it would be fun to use the lens of Freudian defense mechanisms to explore how we are controlling our anxiety.

I tend to use intellectualization: I find out the facts and reassure myself that if I follow the suggestions to stay healthy, then I will stay healthy. Some people use denial: they continue their daily routines as if nothing is different.   Statements that indicate the use of denial include “I don’t know anyone who got sick”, “It’s just like the flu”, and “The whole thing is a world-wide hoax.”  Some use identification: repeating words spoken by political leaders as the basis of their actions.  Identification is evidenced by statements such as, “I don’t know why you are over-reacting like this,” or “wearing a mask is for cowards.”  Some identify with the scientific community and cite statistics about spikes in cases and statistics about first versus second wave of the pandemic. 

Others use repression: they actually hear the news and then forget everything they hear. The combination of repression and denial is what I see when I witness public figures still shaking hands, touching microphones, or not wearing a mask.  Some use regression: yelling, fighting, throwing tantrums at the store and in their homes. Some use reaction formation: acting the opposite of how they really feel.  I imagine many front line health workers are using that defense mechanism.

Sadly, some are using displacement, diverting their anger from the source to a different target (usually a weaker one). So, they are yelling at significant others, children, strangers because they want to yell at the virus and make it stay far away from themselves and those they care about.

Whatever mechanisms you are using to ease your anxiety, try to be kind to yourself and others. We need each other right now.

Thoughts on Systemic Racism

After reading an article entitled Listening to Killers (https://www.apa.org/monitor/2016/02/killers) by Rebecca Clay (Monitor on Psychology, Feb. 2016), a student wrote this reflection about addressing violent crime and the violence of racism.  His words deepened my understanding – so much so that I wanted to share his insights with a wider audience.

A Reflection on Listening to Killers by James Liverman

The article discussed young people committing murder. It talked of their environment as a cause of their moral depravity, as well as parental abandonment. It didn’t specifically state this fact, but I believe a lot of those killers are Black and Brown people. The author says, “The general public tends to view murderers as absolutely evil persons or people so damaged; they can’t possibly live among us. But most killers are untreated traumatized children who are controlling the actions of the scary adults they have become.”

I believe that society is also the cause and the reason these young people kill.

They come from descendants that were held in captivity and forced to witness some of the most horrific punishment – punishment that you or I can’t even begin to imagine. Punishment only limited by the imagination of the slave owners trying to instill in a people the cost of running away or thinking of being a human being.

In addition, “breeding” occurred where the children or offspring were taken at birth and sold. The father went from one stall to the next to impregnate a female or “wench” as they were called. The family unit wasn’t allowed to exist by SOCIETY. Those parental bonds were taken away by the society of the time.  Fast forward to today and it is called “parental abandonment.”

This thinking – the slavery, the punishment, the breeding – occurred less than one hundred and fifty years ago, and then, hundreds of thousands of uneducated people (people who weren’t allowed to be educated) were released in a land to fend for themselves: “The Emancipation Proclamation”.

So, the trauma happened, I believe when they were born in America’s society as Black and Brown people. The existing system or society was not designed for them. So, the systemic or institutional racism became a weapon of war against them, hence the warzones they were born into. Police departments around the country are more than able to stem the violence in all neighborhoods assigned to that precinct, one would imagine, so how are the ghettos or warzones, as the article states, allowed to fester?

I believe that the Black and Brown people inherited trauma; their aggression is normalized on television every night: kill or be killed. Their parents’ vocabulary, the same as any parents’ vocabulary of love and staying safe, may be less than a thousand words while society’s vocabulary is two-hundred thousand by their teen years. They never leave the “warzone”, so life has no value to them.

Dr. Garbarino’s work is amazing; he has dedicated his life to studying how America’s oppression can rear such seemingly dehumanized individuals. He relates this to their disappearing family upbringing. More importantly, he relates it to the experience of growing up in a warzone “with high community violence, gangs, chronic threats and stress.” This environment consists of living to be 21 and getting paid by vehicles other than a welfare system that’s built on the principle that this is their “right of passage”. Could he himself be suffering from “institutional racism”, though?

He then answers whether these murderers can be rehabilitated or cured for lack of a better word. After being incarcerated in “cages” for more than 10, 15, 20 years or so, they live in Rome and do as the Romans do. Some take advantage of the wisdom that comes from the older prisoners who have matured in a “cage”. What’s the parole board like in a society that’s the cause of your incarceration? Is it the systemic racism washed from that parole board that allows the victim’s family to spew their hatred for you, and use that as a determining factor in whether you are released or denied parole or release?

These are just my thoughts on the matter. I’m not a psychologist; however, I believe sentencing juveniles to life terms and changing the laws so that they could be sentenced that way is unconstitutional and criminal. If they were given the resources to become educated and teachable, a lot of people who are given time away from a “traumatic” or “unhealthy” background, would be capable of becoming a functioning member of American society.

Memory Lane

While social distancing has provided us with numerous reasons to be anxious, it’s also giving many of us much more time with our family and friends.  Whether we are connecting with them via phone, text, or physically spending all day with them, we are all looking for things to talk about (besides the elephant in the room, that is).   Many of us have blown the dust off our board games, started puzzles, or reached in the corners of our play cabinets for arts and crafts supplies.  But, I have an activity that only requires pen and paper and will not only prove to be fun, but help us strengthen the connections we are so desperately missing. 

I like to call this activity Memory Lane.  I developed it some time ago to help my students understand memory processes better.  Even though it’s technically a “school” activity, it’s one my students always enjoyed and is fun for the whole family!  It gives us all a chance not only to share memories, but to connect with each other and learn new perspectives.

Here are the directions:

  1. Create a visual map or diagram that depicts the path you take in recalling a specific memory. Make sure it is a memory you think you share with someone else.  It must be written out. 

For example, when I think about my daughter’s first day of kindergarten, I start with a picture of her at age 5 in my mind.  Then I add my husband who was there too, and then the other children at the bus stop. From there, I remember how the bus was late, feeling very upset, leaving to go teach my first class of the semester, and then to her waving goodbye to me. Suddenly, I see her leaving for college. Then I see her first day as a teacher.

  • Next, go to the other person who shares this memory with you. Ask them, “What do you remember about this event?”  Either ask them to write out their path for that memory or you do it as they tell you what they remember (Make sure you do not interrupt them while they recalling the event).  
  • Finally, share your memory with them.  You might be surprised how different your memories are.

For example, when I asked my husband what he remembered about our daughter’s first day of kindergarten, he responded “She was excited about wearing a dress with pockets.  After you left, we sat in beach chairs waiting for the bus; it was so late! She had such a big smile when she sat by the window and waved goodbye. Hard to believe she is grown now and that was so long ago. She is teaching now. Doesn’t seem possible.”

Ultimately, the goal is for the two (or more of you) to talk about the similarities and differences in your memories. How similar/different were they? What do you think accounts for the similarities/differences?

Most students feel this exercise makes the memory more whole; they learn that an event can be special to people, but that what makes it special can be very different.

At this moment in time, we are all concerned about loss; this is a wonderful way to focus on what will always bind us to our friends and family – love, concern, and memories.

Do You Only Have Eyes for Me?

In 1953 Frank Sinatra sang, “My love must be a kind of blind love/I can’t see anyone but you…You are here and so am I/Maybe millions of people go by/But they all disappear from view/And I only have eyes for you”*.  The fact that at least 12 other entertainers have remade this song (most recently in 2017 by Kevin Morby) suggests that these words resonated with many people. 

For many, the “no looking” rule has become an indicator of true love.  If a significant other even glances momentarily at a random stranger it has the potential to become an argument about faithfulness.  Glancing has become as serious an offense as acting upon ones momentary impulse.  For me, cheating involves engaging in emotional or physical intimacy with someone other than your significant other.  Glancing, an action that is unintentional and meaningless, is different from looking.  Looking is longer, it involves some attentiveness to detail, and some thinking about what one is looking at.  So a look – if it results in feeling hurt or disrespected must be addressed. 

I think it says more about the person who gets upset by it than it does about the person who glanced.  I’m sure that statement stirs some controversy and some comments – so let me elaborate.

A strong reaction to a glance is essentially a sign of jealousy.  Cognitive psychologists would suggest that the offended person was struggling with some irrational thoughts of their own.  Examples might be (1) Everyone is a cheater, (2) I can’t control myself so you can’t control yourself, or (3) I can’t be trusted so neither can you.  A psychologist who favors a humanist approach would suggest that the real/ideal self has been split and the offended person feels unworthy of love.  Examples might be (1) I should be more interesting so he/she does not have to look at others, (2) he/she would rather be with them than with me, or (3) I should look for someone new and show them how it feels to be ignored like this.  A Freudian would examine the childhood issues that led to this trauma over a glance.  For example, (1) did the parent/nurturer abandon them at a young age? (2) did the parent/nurturer make them compete for affection? or (3) did the parent/nurturer cause them to feel insignificant in some way?  Finally, a behavioral psychologist would examine if the offended person (1) has been rewarded for acting like they have been slighted in other situations, (2) has been rewarded for starting unnecessary arguments, or (3) has been rewarded for creating drama. 

Solutions based on cognitive psychology involve limiting our irrational thoughts, often accomplished by minimizing generalizations and checking for both confirming and disconfirming evidence.  For example, it is true that some people cheat; it is not true that everyone does.  Humanists seek greater congruity between real/ideal self by helping a person limit conditions of worth, often accomplished by examining the shoulds we say.  For example, by saying I need/want to be more interesting, one takes the “power” of insecurity away from others and causes a person to take responsibility for becoming who one seeks to be.  Freudians would use techniques to uncover the pains of childhood.  By doing so the offended person would come to realize that they are acting out toward their significant other in a way that is really meant to resolve a hurt caused by a parent.  Finally, the behaviorist would seek to help the offended person by helping the significant other learn to ignore behaviors that relate to unjustified accusations of cheating and reward behaviors that build trust.

So go out and glance anywhere and everywhere.  The important thing is that you look at your significant other.

“Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous” ~ 1 Corinthians 13:4

*Songwriters: Al Dubin / Harry Warren I Only Have Eyes for You lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Warner Chappell Music, Inc.

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Work-Life Balance

Every time I hear the term “work-life balance”, I picture a seesaw with work on one side and all the rest of life on the other.  We accept this concept as a reality, as a given.  We suggest that accepting this “fact” is a sign of maturity and adulthood.

But, to me it is such an unbalanced concept.  It is telling us that work is separate from life, not an integrated part of it.  It means work is the priority and everything else must be prioritized on the life side – one’s significant other, siblings, parents, friends, hobbies, and chores, sleep – everything else has to be prioritized on the “life” side.  In other words, work gets 50% and all the rest of life gets the other 50%.

I cannot see how it is possible to actually balance all of life into the hours allocated to it.  For example, if you are lucky enough to have a ten-hour workday (two hour commute, lunch, seven hours of work), then you are left with 14 hours for everything else.  If you follow the recommendations of health professionals then you need eight hours for sleep, leaving six hours one’s significant other, siblings, parents, friends, hobbies, and chores (food shopping, laundry, exercising).  Let’s face it, for most of us, “life” time is further curtailed by our constant connection to work, where we are expected to check our emails/texts from our employer or, as salaried employees, we are expected to bring work home with us (literally or emotionally).  Clearly, that imbalance is what is causing frustration, dissatisfaction, and stress in our relationships. 

I often wonder why we consider work separate from life rather than a part of it. Perhaps sociologists are right and that work has created such alienation that we no longer feel connected to it.  This seems like a reasonable explanation of why we accept the idea that there is work and there is the rest of life. 

Is this the best way for us to think about our day, though?

What if the term were changed to life-work balance? What would our lives look like then?  I won’t list out what I think it would look like; but I do hope you take a moment to fantasize about it.

What if it were simply life balance?  What if we placed life in the center of the seesaw and we were able to rearrange the parts on a daily basis giving priority where it felt right/needed/ genuine? 

I hope you are fantasizing about what life would look like if life were at the center and work was simply one of the priorities we had.  That seems so much healthier to me.

Categories determine the way we think about the world.  Perhaps it is time to change the way we categorize work-life.  I certainly think it is.