Should.
What did you think of when you read that word? How did it make you feel? Before you read on, jot down the “shoulds” that popped into your mind.
Most of us can generate a long list of “shoulds” and most of the time, the list makes us feel guilty or inadequate. For many years, I have asked students to record the “shoulds” that they say to themselves, to others, or that they hear from others and then reflect on the experience. Here is a sample of some of the “shoulds” I have heard:
- I should be more organized
- I should get a car
- I should help out more
- I should be slimmer
- I should have more money in my bank account
- I should be nicer
- I should exercise
- I should answer my emails
- You should listen to mommy
- You should go to college
- You should major in business
- You should break up with him/her
- You should try online dating
- You should stop being so anxious
- You should stop smoking
- I should not eat so much candy
- You should quit your job and find a new one
The opportunity to view the “shoulds” all at once allow us to see the impact they have on us. Many times the “shoulds” we tell ourselves represent regret for past actions. We are disappointed in the choices we have made or how we have treated others. We are using today’s information to evaluate the appropriateness of yesterday’s decisions. Rather than reflecting on how those past decisions were lessons learned, lessons that have helped us become this better person who is sorry for how we once acted, we focus on the regret.
This often leads to the next impact of “shoulds,” they often lead to self-deprecation. We begin to look at how “bad” or “useless” we are, how much worse we are than other people. When we say “I should be slimmer” we are criticizing who we are and how we look. We are not focusing on what might make us happier (like feeling healthier), we are focusing on what is wrong with us. We are often so much harder on ourselves than we are at others. If someone else exercises for ten minutes we encourage them and praise them; when we do it, the criticism often kicks in and the “I should have done more” comments discourage our efforts. Very often “shoulds” cause guilt and discouragement, not necessarily productive action. Rather than acting as a red flag that tells us change is needed, it acts as a way of keeping us stagnant.
To understand the importance of this, we need a bit of background on Humanistic psychology (Carl Rogers). Humanists contend that “shoulds” signify the incongruity between our real selves (who we truly are) and our idealized selves (who we think we need to be in order to be loved). “Should”, in essence, represents conditions of our worth. We think we “should” do more/less/different things in order to be loved by others. If we were thinner, smarter, taller, funnier, then we would be more popular.
This brings me to the second part of the assignment that I give to my students. I ask them to change the word “should” to “need” or “want” and reflect if it makes any difference in how they feel. Review your own should list and give it a try yourself before you continue reading.
When we change the phrase from “I should be more organized” to “I want to be more organized” the focus shifts slightly to a consideration of an action that must be taken in order to accomplish this. If the phrase is “I need to be more organized” the motivation becomes more internalized. The word “want” changes the way the task is viewed and how it is prioritized. The word “need” requires us to answer the question “why?” – “Why do I need to?” Sometimes that eliminates an item from our list, sometimes it increases our sense of purpose and urgency and intensifies the desire to do something about it. The result is more likely to be an action than a feeling of guilt or discouragement. The focus is back on our real self, the person we are – the person who wants to improve in some area – not because we are unlovable as we are but because we will be happier with this change in our behavior. It is a change in what we do, not who we are.
If we consider the “shoulds” we hear from others, it becomes evident that we often hear these as considerations of our worth, of what we need to do/improve upon/change in order to be loved. “You should listen to mommy/daddy/me (your friend or lover).” We hear “You should take my advice because I’m smarter/more experienced/more logical than you are.” We hear only what is wrong with us and we usually, again, feel discouragement. Sometimes we feel sadness. Sometimes it is anger.
If we consider, instead, what the statement means to the other person – what it means about their ideal self – it sounds very different. Now it would sound like “An ideal mom has children who listen so please listen.” If the statement is “You should go to college” the person may be saying “If I were an ideal parent, I would have gone to college and been able to provide more while working less.” If we hear the communication this way, our response to them might be very different. We might respond to the latter statement with, “I don’t want to go to college now, but I really appreciate that you are looking out for my best interest. I know you worked hard to give me all you have given me and I appreciate it. So, I will go to college when I am ready to take full advantage of what it has to offer.”
I have had many students tell me that this assignment has really changed their perspective. It has helped them accomplish things on their list rather than talking about it or worrying about it or feeling bad about it. I have had others say it has caused them to change their list. I had one student say that when she changed what she said to her brother (from “I really should see your kids more” to “I want to see your kids more”), it completely changed her relationship with him. He told her he had always assumed she didn’t really want to visit, but felt obliged to visit. When she said she wanted to visit, he asked what was stopping her and how he could help her overcome those obstacles. Big changes from small changes.
Maybe you should give it a try.
Wait, what I meant to say was, “I want you to try” or maybe “An ideal psychologist would have been able to convince you to give it a try.”
Should. I hope you will never hear it the same way again.
The part about “needs” and “wants” really tied this all together for me. I thing we, as a society, have lost the concept of what we REALLY need.
Wow! This is very enlightening! I never thought about it this way and it’s very true! As soon as I changed my “should” to “need” I immediately asked myself “why do I need to.” “Should” is definitely a word passed around my house too often, now that I think about it. I will be sharing this with my family. Thank you for opening my eyes!
Beautifully said…. 🙂
As a former student of Dr. Urban, I found her class to be extremely enlightening. I was disappointed I couldn’t take any more classes with, but now I can come here! Hope you all find her perspective and guidance as awesome as I do. Looking forward to the next post 🙂
You are right!!! What such a great enlightening class!!!
As you, also I find her perspective to be awesome. Westchester Community College have professors that excel…
Thank you Diane!
Thank you Dr. Urban for this great post. I had a substantial TO DO list in my phone memos. I just changed it to MY WANT list. I’ll let you know if I complete the items differently.
So, instead of thinking I should clear my dining room table of all of the paper piles, I’m thinking that I Want to make my table look pretty!
I want to thank all of you for your comments. I am so happy that you were able to see the joy that can come from such a “simple” change. Interestingly, every time I see an example that someone else provides I realize that shoulds are often so hidden from us. I too want my table to look pretty!
Thanks professor. I SHOULD see post like this more often. OH!!!
I NEED to see post like this more often. It helps. THANKS.
I can see how fast we can change the way we think.
After reading about “should”, I feel very different, guilty and at the same time committed to change the world should for the words “I want or I need”. First, I feel different because I say, “should” a lot, but now I find that it was part of regret and complaint from past actions, which I know that do not help in anything, but we better see past things as failure and not see them as a help in order to reflect and go further. For example, sometimes I say “I should exercise”, I know that I do not like to exercise, but I just get an excuse and say to myself, “well, I don’t really have time to do it.” Time is not the problem at all, but my desire whether or not I should or I want to do it is the problem. Words make a huge difference and things could be different.
I feel guilty because now I see that “should “is not a word that is intended to make a difference in us, instead it really make us feel that our past decisions were wrong. When guilty comes to our mind, we feel bad about ourselves and instead of thinking what can we do in order to soothe the situation, we concentrate in what we did wrong and say: I should do this and that, etc., Which will not solve anything, but guilty.
Definitely, I feel committed to change the “Should” for “want” or “need”, I feel this makes a great difference because instead of saying, I should exercise, now I will say, I want to exercise. By saying this, I see the word want as something that is in my list of things waiting for me to do, and need to be accomplished because of a reason. If I say I need to, then I will think why. The answer will come to make me see the why, the benefits of it and not the guilt.
Carl Rogers said, “As no one else can know how we perceive, we are the best experts on ourselves” By this quote, I understand that there might be people who might understand and advise us in anything, but as explained by Rogers, we are the best experts on ourselves. We have to come to the determination of believing more in ourselves learn from past situations and use it to face the future with the courage of change.
My thoughts right now:I should go to sleep (felling guilty…why am I awake so late?)… I need to go to sleep (we have to rest, so I will go to sleep.) There is no need to use should, we better change it!
I really enjoyed the article. I already find myself using “need” in some of my everyday conversations. It really does open up your mind as to the benefits of what it is you’re trying to change, instead of feeling guilty about it.
Thank you Doctor Urban! I can relate to many of the “shoulds” listed. Now I have a better understanding of the word & how I should use it.
In response to your blog, I find myself in somewhere in between agreeing with your thoughts on matching with certain people. Although I agree with the fact that most people enjoy meeting someone of similarity, I, myself, never really became attracted to those that were similar to me. I am an athletic guy who loves watching and competing in as many sporting events as possible, but I don’t find myself looking for an athletic girl, or someone who cares about sports as much as me. In fact, the majority of the girls I’ve dated absolutely hated sports and wanted nothing to do with them, and honestly, I didn’t mind. To be completely honest, I would rather talk about sporting events with my guy friends rather than my loved one because it would be less stressful, and it is a waste of time to try to explain sports to someone that will never care about them. To sum it all up, I agree that the majority of people look for similarity in a loved one, but for me, myself, I simply do not.
How are the “should” going? Did everybody stop saying should or at least considering to modify the should for “need” or “want” ? Sometimes I hear people talking and using the word SHOULD a lot, and I just laugh inside of me because I think that it will be better if they have the opportunity to learn about the use of SHOULD, but sometimes there is not enough time to explain to people about it, so that they can change those SHOULD. Just pay attention to somebody when they are talking and you can count how many SHOULDS do they say!!! Some people might not say, but others will.
Really loved this! I have to remind myself of my needs and wants rather than ‘should’. So glad you started this blog!!
Wow , beautifully said ! This really made me re- think the word should once you said we “should” replace it with the words “want” and “need” . The should word really could make you feel guilty when stated because you can feel like your failing or lacking in something . but once you re-place it with the words need and want , it made me feel like this is a goal I need to achieve in order to be happy and you want to achieve it because the words need and want can encourage you
“Should” creates dilemma in audience. “I should major in surgeon” people might have different views about this claim . Others might think about the duration of the program tuition fees, academic performance , salary of surgeons but am talking about the “passion” to become a surgeon. You “need” to have passion in whatever you want to be. “Should” helps us to make a better decision for ourselves.
After reading this my whole perspective on the word “should” has changed for me. It has really changed my views on everything. I believe that instead of people saying they should they actually need to just do it.
I SHOULD take psychology class again with Dr. Urban because it is a delightful class in which smiles never end. There are people that are unforgettable and that make a class very enjoyable. I believe that every student that had her thinks the same as me because of her nice personality. I’ve learned that what makes the best of a class is not all about the material that is taught, but the dynamic of the professor because it makes a huge difference in a student. I know that I SHOULD not use SHOULD that much, but I just want to remember those SHOULD that we usually use.
I really like the way you present the difference between should and need. without any doubt when the word should is used, people automaticatly think in something that is demanded. although everyone at certain point in his/her live has an obligation to attend, it is better when come voluntarily out of that person than when it has to be reminded by someone using the word should. That word to me means something that you could do, but you did it do it. i know sometimes we fall under that category, but it is not always like that. there are factor in life that caused no to do something dough we wanted to do it. therefore, should need to be use less and use more the word need. it is more positive and helpfull.
It’s amazing how just words and the way we say it can change our perspective in life. I will start practicing with the want/need instead of should because it’s true we should .. So many things, but sometimes there is no need or we don’t really want to. Thanks for sharing your knowledge Diane. 🙂
So glad I scrolled all the way down to your 2015 blogs Mrs. Urban. I am definitely that type of person to ask my self “should i?” on a daily basis. Reading this blog changed my mindset on my “shoulds”, “wants” and “needs”. Thanks!
You can’t imagine the amount of times I say “should” in the course of one day. As a matter of fact, before I read this article, I said, “I really should get on the elliptical” and when I did this I felt bad because I knew that not only was I NOT going to do it, but I had missed the last few nights. It also reminded me of the countless times I’ve attempted to diet and failed, so you’re so right about it reminding you of what you weren’t able to accomplish in your past.
I will definitely apply this to my personal life and I think by doing that I will greatly decrease my level of anxiety because I will be able to eliminate things that may not be that important. If I apply this to work I will be able to do the same thing. I can also use this to help others achieve the same goals because I hear people says “should” all day.
I really “should” enroll in more classes that you teach. Ha!
This blog really hit close to home for me. My girlfriend as well as I am very guilty at using the should word to compare ourselves as a unit to others based on non factual items such as things seen on Facebook, or society as a whole. For example there are times we both say, we should be in a house right now, we should have more money saved, we should a better trained dog…the list goes on and on. I also think the list is even larger for perfectionist like us who always want to do well at everything. The juggling act and feeling like we are failing in certain aspects but using the should term discredits all of the good we have accomplished and continue to accomplish. When these should arise I will be using the need/want method to give a different perspective that will not make me feel like a failure but more of a driven person i.e.: I need to own a house.. why? Because I want a safe and large area to eventually raise a family (not because I need to feel like I am keeping up with the Jones’s)
This blog was very relatable. I am constantly saying “should” in my sentences. For instance, “I should go to bed earlier” but on the other hand I also say things like “I should not have dessert”. I never realized how associated the word was with guilt. Ha, the thought alone makes me feel worse! As adults, we know what is or isn’t something that we must do in order to better ourselves. If we are not living up to our or others expectations we automatically try and overcompensate by inserting “should” in our vocabulary.
The first step in any issue is admittance. I now know that I s̶h̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ will try my best to implement positive words throughout my day. After all, the mind is a powerful thing. If we are constantly hanging guilt over our heads how can we expect positivty to reach us?
This blog was another one I really enjoyed reading! and one I can really relate to. I have been trying to eat healthier and do things to better myself and body. but when it comes to telling people my plans I always say I SHOULD start going to the gym or I SHOULD start eating better, when I should really say I NEED to. I read this blog a few days ago and tested replacing the two words. doing this did change my eating habits slightly, and it was thanks to this . Thank You
Many times I have said “I should’ve” and it ends with finishing my education, or not buying certain things. As I have gotten older I learned to divert that energy into lessening those feelings. Going to school I get to use most of that energy and lessen those “I should’ve” lines. The trick for me is not to procrastinate.
I found this post extremely useful and helpful. In my everyday world I hear I should or we should almost everyday, because this post I will now try to change my way of thinking and try to change the thinking of the people around me. I will and I can will be my new words of choice, no matter what the task at hand is.
Before reading this article, I would have never thought about how much I use the word “should” in my everyday life. I use “should” for just about everything, and those self-deprecating feelings come right along with it too. I am constantly focusing on why I “should” and “need” to do things, instead of focusing on wanting to do those things. It definitely puts you in a different mindset when you change your perspective. I “should” “want” to work on this and stop being so hard on myself; focusing more on what makes me happy.
Throughout my youth it almost seems like “Shoulds” were a staple of my vocabulary. As I became older I used “Shoulds” became less and less as my responsibilities increased. Now, should are almost non-existent, I can’t afford to feel empty always thinking about I should do this or I should do that. I have replaced the “Should’s” and created expectation and goal which has changed the scope of my life to a more positive outcome.
Amanda, a student of mine, wrote something on this topic that I thought was well worth sharing:
“When I wrote down my “shoulds” and read them, it felt as if they were actions I did not have to do. It was ok whether I did them or not, I had a choice. However, when I changed should to need, I felt I had to perform the action or task. There was no question, I just had to do it. When I changed the should to want, I felt that the action was something that would bring me joy. I would go into the situation or action with a positive attitude because it was my choice.
From this activity, I learned that words are a powerful thing. The way you say something to someone or the way someone says something to you can make all the difference in the attitude toward the action and whether the action is done. Simply changing a word can alter the meaning of what was said. For me, when the word should is used, it implies choice. You do the action or you do not. When the word need is used, it implies there is no choice. The action is something you must do; hence, sometimes instilling a negative attitude. And when the word want is used, it implies the action is something you choose to do; therefore, instilling a positive attitude.
The insight I gained into Rogers’ theory of Humanism is we all have choices in life. We are not forced to do anything. When we say “I should” do something or “you should” do something, it is really “I/you need to do this” or “I/you want to do this”. An individual can say “I need to do this but I want to do this” and then make a choice between what they know they need to do and what they want to do. I feel the should/need is what society feels is the “proper” action to do or feeling to have (the ideal self), yet the want is what an individual feels and what will bring that individual joy and peace (real self)”.
As my transition from union to management we are taught that the word “should” is an absolute no no to use while talking to your direct reports or fellow peers. I could not agree more with the context of the word “Should” as you explained you just instantly think that it is something that you did wrong and check out of the conversation for a minute to make your own determination of that statement. When it comes to a personal vendetta with the word “Should” i’d be lying if there isn’t times where I am looking in the mirror saying I am going to get slimmer or I should be quit smoking. These moments are short lived as you said though in that moment of how you say it then think it then do it or don’t it. Unfortunately like most its just usually a day dream or a fantasy in my mind for that one short lived moment. This article does have its validity towards that also I “Should” do what i say i “Should”.
One of my students, Monica, wrote: “When I go down the list of the shoulds that I tell myself and replace the word should to will it gives the statement a whole new meaning. It gives me a sense of empowerment instead of putting myself down in the situation. By saying “I will…,” motivates me to make positive changes in my life instead of dwelling on past regrets. Saying the word “should” only gives you negative thoughts and you will not ever improve your shoulds and make them a reality.
Going down the list of ‘shoulds’ I tell my friends and family around me also make me feel bad and makes me feel like I am judging who they are. I cannot put down another or give another advice when I cannot even take my own. Instead of saying ‘you should…’ it may be more useful to say ‘you can…’ By changing the word to ‘can,’ it will give them more confidence and motivation to better themselves as well.” Neither I nor Rogers himself could have said it better!
Interestingly enough, I believe each of the “shoulds” on your list, I have said it to myself or have had someone tell me, maybe more than once. I relate the word “should” with being scolded by a parent. I think some people who also relates this word to being scolded, may react with a rebellious attitude and the urge to do the exact opposite of what we “should” be doing. I have already practice replacing the word “should” with “want” and found that it feels different. It feels like something I want to commit to do and truly want to do. I plan on being more cautious when talking to other, specially my kids. Hopefully, this will help me to get them to do the things they “should” be doing or I want them to do.
This is such an insightful article and I really wish I could apply it to my life, but I always seem to fall short. When we first discussed this topic in your General Psychology class I tried to change my thought process then to eliminate the “shoulds” and replace them with “wants”, but somehow I just never quite made it to where I needed to be. This is something that I am challenged with on a daily basis. I constantly make excuses for myself as to why I haven’t done it or can’t do it and then get anxiety from not having done whatever it is I had to do. For example, this time last year I had a goal to lose 100lbs, so I began a nutritional program and started to go to the gym to aid me in this endeavor. I told myself, “I want to be 100lbs lighter by this time next year” and it worked out for a few months and here I am 5lbs heavier than I was when I first made that affirmation. I thought I was adopting this new found thought process and I was going in the right direction, but somewhere the train flew off the tracks and I still feel guilty about it. I felt guilty because I owed it to myself to at least stick to one thing for myself. I try to do everything for everyone else and am usually too tired to do anything I need to do for myself.
I’m glad I read this article because I needed to hear this again. I hope that this time it sinks in and I can follow through because I’m tired of making empty promises to myself. I want to change the way I think about and approach things and I hope this article can give me the push I need.
I think I am very guilty of throwing around should for myself, my family, and my co-workers. The article was very enlightening. I now see why “should” has a negative connotation. I have definitely said many of those statements on the list and it does not help motivate me to change what I thought I should do. Often, I am caught up in a thought of regret. Thinking about how others may feel when I throw around “should”, I can see why the conversation would take a negative turn and they would become defensive. It almost seems insulting and a little bossy.
I am happy that I read this article and going forward, I plan to be conscious of the word should. I think that the person I say this most to is first myself and then my husband. I can see why he would be annoyed with me at times. If I reword should, I can have a more positive effect on those closest to me. For my children, I do not want it to become a part of their vocabulary because I feel like it will only be self deprecating. In thinking about the word should, I wonder how many times another person has shut down in the conversation instead of sharing openly because the word made them feel bad.
I didn’t realize how much people including myself use the word should. The word “should” is a delaying tactic that I use. I’m sure it is the same for many others. Problems are easily put off by using the word “should”. What struck me most from reading the article is the change in attitude when the word “should” is changed to a “want “or “need”. The want or need to carry out even the simplest of tasks shows a positive attitude that I believe can have a lasting effect. Many of us need only to make these small changes to see an improvement in our personal or work lives. This week I have set a few personal changes I will make. I want to get my homework done on time. I want to participate more in class. I need to make better use of my time.
Being motivated can be difficult no matter what you are doing but removing the “should” should help!
After reading this article, I feel enlightened by learning that “should” is not a word I can use with myself anymore. Looking back onto my own experiences, whether it be an intimate relationship, dealing with friends & family, and lastly dealing with myself, I feel that the word “should” has held me back from a lot of things. When problems would arise in a relationship, saying “I should’ve done this” or something along those lines has made me look at myself in a negative light but also pushed said issue to the side, just for it to come back again. Now that I know not to say “should” anymore, but rather say “I want” or “I need” when it comes to something, it makes it more impactful and personal to me which makes it a priority. This in turn will hopefully resolve the issue within a relationship (intimate or not) but will also not lead to the mental stress and self-punishment aspect of using “should” spoken about in the post. This post has had a tremendous impact on my life and how I will see and think about day to day interactions between people closest to me and how I will reflect on these interactions, and in turn myself. Thank you so much!
According to Carl Rogers Humanistic theory, the use of the word should can be a dangerous way to think. “Should” causes a disconnect between our real selves, and our ideal self, or what we think we should be like. Therefore, like Humanistic theory suggests, we must ask why? When we say “should” we are suggesting what we feel our ideal self would do. This word gives no plan, intention, or necessity to a change, or commitment. WHat we should say is “I need this”, or “I want this”. Those words give a direct idea as to where the desire came from. Is it necessary, or just a personal desire? This is a significantly healthier mindset because we are more likely to achieve things we ourselves want or need, rather than something we feel we have to do because if we were better people we would have done these certain things we feel we “should” do.
Wow! This article was very interesting. It’s amazing how such a small word like “should” can have so much of an impact on an individual. While reading the article, I noticed that I use the word “should” almost everyday. I usually use the word when I often procrastinate on something I wanted to do earlier in the day. I say such things as “I should have gotten it done immediately, now I’m screwed” and now I l realize I’m only hurting myself. It’s stunning how such a simple word can change the course of a day. Starting now, I would become more aware of the words I use when I’m talking.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this blog as well as discussing it in class. I find the Humanist Theory of Carl Rogers extremely useful and insightful, how the word ”should” makes a huge difference in our subconscious minds, which ultimately changes our lives and actions. Personally, I have given it great thought in my own choice of words. We are all guilty of bashing ourselves with what we ”should” have done which leads to us being discouraged, however, when we simply replace the word with ”want” or ”need” we view our situation completely different. It makes you more likely to process information in a more optimistic or possible way of thinking rather than having regrets of the past. We don’t realize how powerful our minds are in taking in information that we’re unaware of and the meaning behind it which in return affects our ability in achieving certain goals or activities.
All my life I thought of the word “should” as a motivating word. Saying things like “I should go to the gym more”. All the while I’m just adding more stress to the fact that I haven’t been going to the gym and feeling terrible about it.
Since reading this article I have replaced some of the shoulds in my life with wants or needs and it has made the world of difference. I have a best friend that I’m very hard on because I want him to do better in life and I was tell him how he should do this or should do that. I was just projecting my own insecurities on to him. As I changed it to I want you to do this or I want you do that I have felt more at ease with him and he has even started to take my advice.
The word “should” is a very common word I use in my life, for the most part towards others. Although I use “should” for myself as well, I would normally think telling a friend or family member they “should” do something was more out of respect, or to not seem so demanding. But, the article helps me realize that it simply just requires more input and work when explaining why someone needs or wants to do something. In turn a friend, family member, or even stranger will gain more genuine advice and guidance. Also, I used to think that telling someone they “should” or “should not” do something was so they could think about it more in terms of their own needs. But, after reading this article and thinking about it more myself, giving a genuine response on why someone wants or needs to do something and backing it up, will open up the perspective of the person and will help the real self of the person with the problem and maybe even future ones.
This was really a great article to read. I myself am guilty of having my list of “shoulds” leaving me feel bad or under accomplished. I bash myself in thinking i should of done this or that and it could have avoided this and that. Sort of like having regrets from the past. But by simply changing the wording on whats on your list can make a world of a difference and can actually motivate you, keep your mood up and actually accomplish those things on your list. It is for sure a better way to look at situations more optimistically.
Replacing the word “should” with “want” or “need” when thinking about your goals can transform your desires into attainable goals. The word should comes with the assumption that something either can or can not be achieved. The fact that it is even possible for something not to be achieved is often enough to prevent one from even attempting to achieve his or her goal in the first place. By switching from something that you believe you should do, to something that you either want or need to do, will change the assumption you have about the outcome of the task in question. For example, I am an awful driver. I have been driving for approximately 6 moths now, and in those six months I had three separate, and three very expensive accidents. I always told myself that I should drive better, but after having to pay a real price for my bad driving I now know I need to drive better, not only for my wallets sake, but also for my safety. It took three separate incidents to realize that this is something I need to change rather than something I should change, but now that I have reached this conclusion I am a more attentive driver, and I am now starting to notice all of the things I do wrong. I needed a motivating event to change the narrative I have about my driving, and although the event or in my case events caused damage, ultimately they helped me. Now that I understand that changing the way that I think about something can actually help me successfully improve, I can finally start applying this to other things in my life, so that I will no longer need a drastic event to change my behavior. Simply changing the way you think about your goals can not only help you accomplish them, but also prevent you from experiencing the consequences of never attempting them in the first place.
As a young and single mom I have to deal with the double the things I would normally have to deal with and an enormous thing I’ve been struggling with as of late is my son and a little bit of behavior issues. I found myself telling him he “should do this” or “should do that”. Since the lecture where we spoke about redirecting your questions in a way where it’s no longer “you should do this” but instead, “I need you to do this.” Since I’ve made these minor changes I feel like I almost have a different child. He’s so much more willing to cooperate with me when I say that I need something from him. I’ve even found that saying need instead of you have to has also had a positive impact on my son’s behavior. I feel like he’s so much more willing to comply with me when he sees it as a necessity rather then something I’m suggesting for him to do. It’s been an amazing experience and I’ve only been taking this course for three weeks!
My son isn’t the only one I’ve focused on when utilizing this technique, I’ve been working on myself too. To go from feeling like I just had to do things, to correcting my attitude and saying “I want to do these things.” I want to get an A in class; I want to be healthy and in good shape;” along with many other things I want to do for myself. This exercise and lecture has helped me see things completely different. I never realized the weight I put on myself and my esteem with all of the “shoulds,” but it makes so much sense now. Instead of doing things for others I do them for me. While this is all work in progress, everyday I focus more on things that I want to do rather than things I should do and man it’s been an amazing journey, one that I’ll continue on with.
The ” should’s ” that I come to my head that I notice I say is…
– I should go to the gym
– I should be working harder
– I should be eating healthier
– I should be done with school
I really enjoyed reading the article, because I feel like personally in my life I find myself saying “I should do this” and ” I should be doing that” a lot more often than I “should” be (Ironic). However, after transitioning the “should” to a “need” and a “want”. I can differentiate that I don’t really need to go to the gym. I want to go to the gym because my idealized self is fit. I feel like a lot of this “idealized self” stems from society. Mass media in today’s society influences so many people and we don’t realize it. When scrolling through social media outlets it is a constant reminder what we should be doing. We see someone post their accomplishments on social media. We doubt ourselves by saying ” why haven’t I got mine yet, and I should be doing more”. I have seen this so many times with me personally and with friends around me. This creates people feeling like they are not good enough and that they should be doing more. I think that people need to trust the process and sometimes they do not “need” to do what everyone else is doing.
A lot of people believe that the first step in changing someone’s life/perspective is going to school for your doctorate. However, it starts much earlier than that. A change in your everyday vocabulary can help someone more than you may know. The use of the word “should” creates a rift between the ideal and real selves. It exaggerates the distance between the state the person is currently at and where they wanna be. It makes them feel hopeless. There is one aspect of psychology that illustrates how thoughts, actions and feelings are connected. When you tell someone they should do something, it creates negative feelings which lead to negative actions. The word “should” poses a deadline and personal growth isn’t linear. An alternative to telling someone they should do something is asking them why they are at the state they are in. It doesn’t Pose a deadline and it doesn’t attack the ideal self. It allows the individual to lightly question themselves
I agree with this because there have been times where people have told me I should do something such as lose weight, or get better grades. When I was told that I should do these things, I felt more obligated instead of compelled to accomplish these. I actually accomplished these goals once people stopped telling me what I should do.
I think in the right light the should list is just a part of encouragement and hoping to change for the better. For example, If a person gets a B on a test and say “I should do much better”. This is pushing the idea that on the next test they will improve. Yes, our should always have a reason behind it. If for example a girl is being pick on and being told she is ugly. She might say” I should be pretty” . That is when the should might turn into a darker light. That girl one day might turn to surgery or never believe anyone if they say she is beautiful. Instead she should say “I should love myself” . This allow her to not allow those negative comments to get to her.
But, It is powerful when you are saying I need to than I want to. Because When you need something it is something you can’t live without. Like, food,shelter or water. Instead of wanting, which you can live without it.We need to get our wants and needs in order because our wants can take us away from the bigger picture of what we really need. I can say that if we sit and ask ourselves. Do I really need it or I just want it? It will improve yourself.
I had started to do just that and It have taken me to become a better person. I finally made my list:
I want some nuts
I need to eat more leafy greens
I know it is a pretty short list but I am slowly succeeding. But, one word that will forever continue on my list is “I will” . Which is a commitment. This is my list:
I will finish college and receive my degree
I will continue being a vegan
I will always be a Christian
This post was very helpful for me in many ways. while reading this post and completing the suggested exercises I did a lot of thinking about my life as a whole.the second part of the assignment gave me a chance to think about what I truly need and want currently in my life. I often put myself when I think about all the things I should have accomplished in my life already but this article, provided me a clear way to organize my life goals. after writing out my needs and wants I began planning out steps to achieve those specific needs and wants. I feel as though my goals are truly more internalized then they were before I read this post. I appreciate this post, thank you professor
when I think of the word should I think of it as is it really necessary or is it a want? Mostly should’s cause limitations and guilt within ourselves. The should’s represent the past and future in which we often tend to choose from and that’s how we decide what path we want to take. When taking a closer look out of these two we/I tend to take a look back at the should’s past. Like I should of done that, I should say that, I should picked that. Very often fall under the category of regret. I don’t like to regret anything so I look at as more as dissapointment because thats really what it is. I like to reflect on these shoulds a lot just to play it safe. Based on these shoulds that could of happen or did happen and work on it and take it as a lesson so later that should can be better. I love to ask people for their opinions and ask such questions like “should I…” but I never listen, I just use this person/s shoulds opinion as a form of knowing and securing my real should.
A student wrote a comment about this blog that I felt was worth sharing: “Changing my ‘shoulds’ to ‘needs and wants’ completely changes how I feel about the statement. Reason being is because when I say “I should” do something it makes it sound as if its not important but if I say I need or want to do something it gives it a more powerful meaning to it. I’m the type of person that when I WANT AND/OR NEED something I will do everything in my power to attain it. Therefore changing my “should” to “want or need” motivates me to achieve my goals instead of postponing them. What this activity has taught me is the major difference that can come out of from changing “should” to “to wants and needs” and how this little change can make a big impact.
One of the best articles I have come across this week. choice of words have been proven to have effects on the way humans naturally reacts to things. the word ”SHOULD” brings about weakness in human, it also causes procrastination.
So therefore they need to replace ”SHOULD” with ”NEED” or ”WANT” as written in this article is very vital as it changes our perception and how we view things, thus it brings about the energy and willingness to perform or execute a task. Thank you so much for the article, I have learnt a lot.
communication is more efficient and effective when the right choice of words are used. this article has exposed me into mental and logical interpretation of the word ”SHOULD”,”NEED” AND WANT. I have come to realize that when I speak to myself about the need to study, my whole senses focuses on the goals I have to accomplish by studying. it might be getting an A in a course. but when I say ” I should study” , I indirectly remind myself that I have not been studying which indirectly creates negativity and bring out laziness.
I have also come to realize that using the word should is not actually helping me or others when I talk to them but it is actually making me look like mediocre. so I have decided to be mindful of what I say to others and especially what I say to myself. so i would replace the word ”SHOULD” with ” NEED OR WANT” as it helps me achieve more.
A student read this blog and wrote this very beautiful response to it. I think it needed to be shared: “Thanks to the opportunity I had to do this exercise of changing the word “should ” to “want” helped me a lot in many aspects of my life. I learned and understood many things of which I was not sure. It is very gratifying for me to know that changing a word can change everything for better. A few months ago, I was going through a bit bad and sad situation, where I was being forced to do many things that were not right. I wanted to be a prototype of a person which I am not, just for pleasing people around me, without knowing that this could bring consequences later. As I read the blog, I remembered all those times that I forced myself to feel and do things that were not right just by saying “I should lose weight,” “I should exercise more,” “I should be a better person,” among others, where all they did was damage my self-esteem. When I started with this exercise of changing the word “should” for “want”, everything was getting better. For example, I began to say, “I will exercise more because I want to be and feel good about myself,” this simple phrase changed the concept of everything, I began to find a motivation, and I began to feel better. Since there, I understood that we are owners of our thoughts and our actions, there are attitudes and changes so small that they make a big difference in our lives.
With this exercise I learned that we need to be more careful with our words, because there are people who can be affected by words as simple as “should.” On the blogg they gave examples of how people felt sad and discouragement when someone spoke to them in a “rough” way, they felt that they were not enough for others or that they “should” do more to be loved by others. This part was the one that interested me most, because in many situations we do want to be loved by others and we do things to be equal to them, there are things that are good to a point, but there are others that already pass limits that are not good , and all for seeking acceptance of others.
The main idea of Rogers’ theory of humanism is to accept others in the way they are, to take care of them as people and not for their behaviors. The greatest knowledge I had of this theory was that we need to love and accept ourselves as we are. Acceptance with others is also important, caring for the other as a human being is important, no matter what they do or what they did. It is important to know that not all of us are equal and that we all act differently, do not seek to accept in others, seek to accept with ourselves.
After reading Rogers’ theory of Humanism I have gained an understanding of how “should” statements are negative influences that can affect a humans emotional and physical health. The term “should” in most cases it may sound in our minds as demanding or an obligated action such as “you must, you need to, you have to,” etc.
When I hear someone saying “you should have done this or that” I feel that person it is criticizing. For a fact we are well aware of how people don’t respond naturally well when they are being criticized.
It really breaks my heart when I read how children of different cultures since a younger age are obligated to comply with the “should statements” for the rest of their life. In most of these cases, the parents don’t use proper communications with their children. They feel they have the superiority and the right to dictate them and continue to believe they are correct. They continue with the “should rules” by telling the children what to do, how to do it, and in case the child doesn’t do well enough to satisfy the parents they get punished. This improper behavior may lead to anxiety and depression and could affect a person’s health for a lifetime.
This reading assignment has brought better ideas into my mind when it comes to making better choices for myself. Instead of the term “should” I could use the word “prefer.” For ex. “I would prefer to go to the gym, because it motivates me, gives me energy, it benefits my cardiovascular system, it decreases bad cholesterol and increases the good cholesterol” etc. Another way of thinking of a healthier term would be “want” rather than “should.” I believe the term “want” would help me into a better understanding of my values and feelings. It would also encourage me to build better self-support and gain higher self-esteem.
After, reading the article Re-Thinking Shoulds, it changed my view on how I look at the things that I should do. Especially prioritizing what “should” is important. My well-being and health is important because I need to eat healthy and exercise in order to be able to provide for my family. If I neglect myself, then I’m prone to sickness, which can then impede my ability to provide for my family. That is the effect of not taking care of my health and well-being. So, I should eat smart and exercise daily, or at least try.
“Re-Thinking shoulds” actually talks about something that I started to do a few years ago but still struggle with. When I started my career with Con Edison I was 39 years old, I already worked as as Union Electrician and then a bartender for a long time and realized I needed to make a change in order to live the kind of life I wanted and to secure my future retirement.
There was a lot of “should” in my life at that point, usually at 4 in the morning when I was re-stocking the bar trying to get the last customers out the door, When I finally started to think in terms like “want” that’s when things changed. I wanted a more stable career with a future so I applied to Con Ed. Once I was in Con Ed I knew I didn’t want to spend the next 25 years humping cable so I “wanted” to better myself by completing my degree so I could advance in the company.
I have moved into a much better position in Con Edison by wanting rather than wishing for it, I am going to finish my degree this year by wanting it. It is clear that this change of mindset impacted me in a very profound way and It’s nice to have read an article that articulated it so well.
Before reading this blog, I never realized the power of the word “should.” And after reflecting on what I read, I realize I use it a lot. “I should go to bed early,” “I should do homework,” or ” I should get out of bed.” This blog gives me a good reason to remove the word “should” and instead use “I’m going to”‘. There is no reason to be so indecisive on things that need to get done. Removing the word should and the thought of should have the ability to make me a more productive person. It’s amazing how one word isn’t just a word but is also a mindset.
Great topic that includes a word everyone contemplates. I do, almost everyday of my life, at least. Contemplating traffic patterns when traveling throughout the Tri-state area is filled with “Shoulds”. How about life decisions in general. I look at my higher learning experience and contemplate what would be different if I pursued my college education right out of high school. Then I think about how the decisions we make helps us become the people we are today. There will always be a “should” in the decision making process.
Weighing the pros and cons is common as we all deal with our day to day activities. I am a parent of two teenage boys and the amount of times I consider the “shoulds” for them is constant as well. I think the “shoulds”, for me, are apart of my procrastination the it comes to accomplishing task. On occasion, homework, assignments and getting things done around the house as they associate to a deadline are often the contributors.
This is a very interesting article and one that I can relate to it for sure. The word “should” has become a fixture in our everyday dialogue. We use it in conversation with others, as a way off motivating ourselves or keeping ourselves in check, and to express our feelings, including frustration, guilt, and regret. The word “should” gives you an out and it does little or nothing for your motivation. I knew that I have a problem with being organized and managing my time and for years I would use the word should. Until I realized that there are not too many chances left, and time is flying by. I replaced the word “should” with “will”. And when it comes to telling others about what they should or should not be doing, it could be disrespectful as not recognizing their abilities to make best decisions for themselves.
The word “should” really sound like a wish without energy, it lacks intent, is almost as if the “should” is a very distant hope. But when I change the word “should” with the word “need” for my sentences such as (I should read more) or (I should eat healthier), then it becomes a decision that creates a change in my habits, behaviors, and patterns. I knew of the power of words, and this really shows the force of the words that have over our thoughts, for instance, I became more aware of my thought by being mindful of my choice of words after the exercise.
When I think of “Shoulds”, it is more of an internal reflection or a reminder of contemplation for all the decisions I’ve made in my life to make me the person I am today. “Should I apply for this job?”, “Should I speak to this person I’m attracted to?” “Should I work harder?”, “Should I be spending time with this circle of friends?” The word “Should” is at the foundation of every decision I’ve made in life so that’s what stands out to me for this consideration. I like to think all of the “Shoulds” that I’ve contemplated and proceeded with (or decided against) have gotten me to this point, here and now, in what I feel is a great place in life.
I do agree that when you hear others directing the word “Should” as a directive at us, it can be perceived, or come off, as condescending and patronizing. It is indicative that they are making judgements about circumstances they likely don’t fully understand, and deciding what they think is best for us which is probably rooted in at least some level of arrogance. I can’t think of a time where someone told me I should do anything and it resulted in a feeling of inadequacy. I certainly consider suggestions from those I consider to be a mentor, and after some contemplation, in some instances, have acted on their “should”. In some cases it has enriched my life. In others, not so much but have always been learning experiences when I’ve acted on other peoples “shoulds”. It actually leads me to trust myself and my decision=making abilities more as time progresses.
Wow, this article makes me really think about what I am saying when i say i should be doing something. Until you step back and really think about what the message is when you say should it doesn’t sink in.
It makes sense though as recently i have had some should’ s and most of it is tied to regrets i have or things i felt i wanted to do but wasn’t sure and had some doubt and then after the fact i “should” have done it.
I have to say when i tell people they “should” in most of the cases its giving advice becasue i care and not to be condescending or trying to be a know it all. When it comes to work in some cases we use different application’s to organize different work flows and I have been doing this function for over five years. In a lot of cases i give advice on how to find things or complete a task and when i say should it might come off the wrong way even though im just trying to help. Its something to really think about going forward.
This article really changed my whole outlook on the notion of the word “should” and its negative significance on how we conduct our lives. The word “should” reflects many destructive emotions such as inadequacy, anxiety, frustration, and self-rejection, which can certainly affect how we carry ourselves on a day-to-day basis. Instead of beating ourselves over what we should do or who we should be, we need to step back and focus on a healthier approach to motivating ourselves to achieve certain things. “Wanting” and “needing” to do things bring more meaning to accomplishing them and, in essence, make you feel better about yourself as opposed to saying you “should” do something, which can make you feel like you must do it to please others. Concentrating on what you want to do should revolve around the importance of why you want to do it and how it will make you feel. I think replacing “should” with “want” and “need” is a great way to live a more positive life.
Very interesting topic. This really made me evaluate how I feel when I use/ hear the word should. I personally feel like when I use the word should, especially in the past tense, it tends to hold a negative aspect towards it. Almost as if I am acknowledging a regret of some sort. Thoughts like I should have finished college, or I should have taken that job offer all have a negative sound to them. What I came to find after reading this article is that when used in the future-tense, I tend to see this as something I should evaluate and determine the need for. For example I should take my car to work today. I leaves a question to be asked “Why should I take my car?” or “Why do I need to take my car.”
The interesting part of this is how I relate to that word in differing contexts. More so when using should and replacing it with a definitive like “I would like to go to the gym” rather than I should go to the gym” it removes the uncertainty and solidifies the task in my mind. From now on I look at the word should in a completely different aspect. The should haves I did not take action on or evaluate correctly began to look like regrets, and regrets leave me with feeling like I have created a void or like there is a piece of data missing from our already complex lives. Data that could have changed the result or results of the roads one chooses to take.
This article really hit home. I’ve lived a long life of “shoulds”. My list of shoulds got pretty long once I got out of the military, partly based on PTSD, but also based on the fact that I was always a very anxious person which was only enhanced by experiences in the military. Once things started getting a bit too much for me to handle, my list of should’s kept growing, until I finally recognized there were issues I needed to face head-on. I started with “I should drink less” and changed it to “I need to drink less, and I will”. That came pretty easy for me, and it started affecting my mental state, I felt better and thought clearer, and had fewer anxiety attacks. I then moved on to “I should exercise and eat healthier” and changed that to “I need to improve my physical and mental health” and I forced myself back into the gym. That had an even more profound effect on my mental state than limiting alcohol, to the point where I actually felt like I was truly healing. This was all around 10 years ago, and I have not looked back. I still have difficult moments, but I have given myself the mechanism to work through them by using positive affirmations rather than thinking about what I “should” do to fix it.
This article is exactly what I needed to reinforce a message that I’ve been discussing with my 20-year-old son. I’ve always been a strong believer of practicing self-empowerment, positive affirmation, positive interpersonal conversation, and manifestation. With that comes the use and awareness of the power behind the words I speak to my wife, children, and more importantly to myself. I’ve most recently noticed that my son who’s a sophomore in college, has a part time job, strong relationship with his girlfriend, good friendships and an active full life, always places a negative word or connotation at the start of every task, goal, or obstacle. For example, he says things like “I know I have an issue with procrastinating, and I should be doing this assignment but my A.D.D. (which he doesn’t have) is making difficult for me to get started and focus” Or “I look like a honey bun so I should start working out more”. My wife and I have had conversations with him about using these types of words and expression to describe himself, will only lead to negative low self-worth and stunt any positive flow in his interpersonal relationship, dreams, aspiration, and social life. After these conversations he’ll admit that it’s something he needs to work on and acts towards changing the behavior, but it only lasts until the next difficulty, or self-criticism. I believe that when I share this article with him, it will have a positive impact on his understanding and appreciation for words and how they can change your way of thinking and life.
Hopefully he’ll change “should” for “want or need”,
“I need to stop procrastinating because I want to focus and get started on my assignment”
“I want to go to the gym more often so I can stay healthy and feel my best”
The power of words, the way we speak to people and ourselves can make or break us. “Re-Thinking Shoulds” is a great example of how words can change our perspective. I realize anytime I say I should have done something; it is an afterthought. For example, I am sitting on my couch after getting home from work and I say, “I should be in the gym”. I agree with this article that when I say “Shoulds” it only serves to make me feel guilty about something I am not doing.
It can be used to make other people feel a way too. When a person tells you how they were up all-night binge watching a show and complains about how tired they are at work. The first thing we say, you should have gone to sleep, or you should know better than to stay up when you need to get your rest for work. Saying you need to get your rest takes away the sarcasm as opposed too, you should be getting your rest.
After reading “should” my way of thinking and processing changed. I have used the word “should” my entire life without noticing the effect this particular word was having on my life. I’ve always been very hard on myself for many reasons but one of the main reasons is overwhelming myself with false goals and expectations. This article has taught me that a simple change of wording can make a huge difference in our life, I wish I can explain it better but as I read this article my mind was shifting and changing for the better. Now I understand that I must treat myself with more kindness and do things because I want to or I need to, not because I should. Sentences that I will definitely change are “I should lose weight”, ‘’I should be more organized”, “I should have more money in my bank account” and “I should not let things get to me so easily’’.I will use sentences like “I want to lose weight”, “I want to be more organized”, “I want to have more money in my bank account” and “I need to stop letting everything get to me easily”. After this article, my perspective on many things changed and I can say that my mentality turn in the right direction. Thank you for your wisdom.
The power of words is remarkable. Over the last few years, I have been intentional with the language I use with myself and others. “Should” is a word that I have actively worked toward removing from my everyday conversations without evening understanding the psychology behind its use. This article connected the dots for me. For years I used the word should regarding myself with advancement in my career, moving past what seemed like insurmountable challenges, and suggesting goals for myself that I wasn’t sure I could meet. I also found that the more “shoulds” I said to myself the more regret I felt, the more I felt like I was failing myself, and the more I projected that on others.
This article articulated what I instinctively knew about the language I was choosing to use. I have found that since I have clearly defined the goals I want to achieve, I have completed more of them, and I no longer live in a state of longing. I feel more fulfilled and motivated. I have also seen an improvement in the my personal and working relationships. My peers and subordinates feel like I am being more inclusive instead of micromanaging or overdirecting and the same for my personal life. Reading this article confirmed that I am on the right communication path with myself and others.
Reading this article has made me reevaluate what I mean when I claim that I should be doing something. It doesn’t truly sink in until you take a step back and consider what the message is. It makes sense though, since I’ve recently experienced some “should”, most of which are related to regrets or things I wanted to do but were unsure of, leading me to believe that I “should” have waited till after the fact. I must admit that when I advise others to do anything, I usually do so out of concern for them rather than out of a desire to appear all-knowing or condescending. I have about 10 years’ experience in my field at work. When certain jobs or tasks arise that I know others are unfamiliar with I often give suggestions on how I would tackle that situation. Even though I’m only trying to help, it could sound inappropriate to state “should.” It’s something to consider carefully moving forward.
After reading Re-Thinking Shoulds, I have used the word “should” my entire life without realizing how it has affected me. One of the main reasons why I have been very hard on myself is due to my false expectations and goals. This article has helped me to understand that changing our wording can have a huge impact on our lives. Although I wish I could explain, as I read this article, it reminded me of myself. I use the word should far too often and I now realize that the words we use can help you shift the way you think and act. I do like the fact that when we use the word need the “why” behind it would keep us honest. I have caught myself saying I should do this or that but when I say I need to do this or that in most cases it gets done. I will try not to use the word “should.” Instead, I will say that I want to be more organized, lose weight, and stop letting things get to me so easily.
This article really made me rethink my relationship with the word “should”, I realized I usually use this word to coitize myself without realizing it. For example, I always say I “should go to the gym and eat better” but in reality, all my mind is thinking is that I am overweight, and I know I should be doing something about it, but I don’t. I fell changing the word should for want/need is very useful, it sounds very different and has a positive tone. By saying ” I want to go to the gym” we leave behind the negative thoughts and just focus on what I want to accomplish by going to the gym.
I would start practicing what I learned on this blog, I feel it will have a positive impact on my self-image.