When It Becomes the Not-So-Happy-Holidays

Before I became a psychologist, I thought the holidays were only times of great joy. I looked forward to them with great anticipation, eagerly awaiting all the commotion.
Now, however, I realize that Thanksgiving marks the beginning of a very painful time for so many people. For them, the holidays are a time of increased isolation and despair. As some of us talk about whom we will visit and how we will juggle multiple invitations, others wish they had even one place to go. As some of us complain that our in-laws want to see us, others wish they had in-laws. As some of us complain that our children will visit in-laws, others wish they had children. There is no one single cause of the pain people feel during this time of year. The pain they are in reflects their unfulfilled wishes, their dreams that – due to no fault of their own – cannot be realized, and their hopes that are fading with each passing day.

Given this reality, what can we do to help make this season more joyful for ourselves and for others? I propose that this holiday season we all do our best to turn our burdens into someone else’s joy.

This concept is not intuitive. After all, our burdens, our pains, are not things we tend to think are worth sharing with others. That’s because we see those burdens from our own vantage point; seeing it from someone else’s can make all the difference. Some examples will help:

  • If you cannot spend a holiday with someone because you are accepting a different invitation, tell him or her when you will visit and that whenever you are with them, it is a holiday (https://real-matters.com/?p=27).
  • If one of your holiday guests is your burden, treat that person as if you have never met and try to get to know them. Perhaps a new relationship will develop as you listen to new stories rather than focusing on the old ones.
  • If you have no children, help someone who does. Offer to watch their children while they prepare for the holiday. If you don’t know someone with children, volunteer at a center that will have a holiday party for children in need. Volunteer to bring food to parents whose child is hospitalized.
  • If you are overwhelmed with the children you have, ask someone who longs for children, to help you. If you know that you will complain that you have no room in your refrigerator or freezer for your left over food, don’t cook it – donate it to a food bank.
  • If you will be alone for the holiday, spend it with someone else who would be alone, but not for your offer to spend it with them.

No matter what your situation is, giving of self will increase your connection to others and connection is the key to joy, not just over the holidays – but any day.

19 thoughts on “When It Becomes the Not-So-Happy-Holidays

  1. What such a warm message.
    This is a good topic. I have not think of it in such way as you described it. I have seen many people in need and in pain that it makes me think and to do something for them, so that I can help. Many people get sad because of the holidays, ones missing their families, others not having whom to be with and others just because loneliness, but as you said, we can help. There are many ways in which can do so. Helping is something indescribable, just by helping someone in any way we can help others.
    What we can do Pray for each other, so that these upcoming dates can be of joy and live grateful everyday, others did not see today, yesterday could be their last breath or even today, so we have life, we have our 5 senses, which are very necessary. We might not have everything that we want, but at least what we need. God bless everyone and be this year of abundant peace.

  2. I totally agree with the holiday season being one of the stressful seasons out there. Not only do you have to find gifts for everyone that will satisfy them, college students have to go through the stress of finals. As a child one of my favorite times of the year was Christmas time.Everything about it made me smile, but now I don’t even have the time to go teach my seven year old cousin how to ice skate. With the content worry of if I’m going to pass or am I going to fail my classes take out all of the joy and beauty out from the holiday season that i should be spending with loved ones.

  3. For kids that have divorced parents it can be a struggle to spend time with all loved ones without feeling as if you’ve left someone out. Making a large family dinner can cause stress during the holidays.

  4. So touching. Totally agree that thanksgiving can be a time of sorrow for some and a time of joy at the same time for others. It is quite relatable, based on my passed experiences, being an immigrant with very few family around me at the time.However, the people who are privileged to have their family around at this time of year can find a local church or community center in their local community and make it be a time to give and show some empathy to the less fortunate.

  5. Holidays are very joyful and as joyful as they can be, the holidays are also so stressing, I stress so much about the holidays. I like to cook a specialty on holidays so I always worry on what I should cook, to what I should wear, to what time will we start celebrating to if I’m going to work or not in the morning and get over time. It does take the fun and joyful moments out of the holidays because of how stress I get. For example this semester I’m taking 5 classes. EVERY week I have a quiz and every other I have two tests. Not only am I stress about school but work too. My job pays well but it’s also very demanding with all these mandatory modules, re-certifications, meetings, events and dead lines. How does this relates to the holidays? A lot. How can I enjoy the holidays when I’m constantly busy doing other school or work things. Oh and my family? They always want to do EVERYTHING. So trough out this I begin to stress holidays weeks before so I can have a plan set in my head and won’t be too overwhelmed. Ha. It never works. Last minute I tend to get holidays preparations done. For example yesterday I just put the tree up but haven’t bough anyone a present because I had to work double shifts to complete my hours at work so I can have off this week and study for finals. My last final is Thursday and Christmas Eve is Saturday. So thank god at least ill have two stressful days ( Friday and Saturday morning) to get everything done but do you see what I mean? The holidays caused stress on me that takes the joy out of me. However once its time to celebrate and I accomplish everything then I can actually relax and enjoy holidays with my family because to realized how lucky someone is to celebrate the holidays with your family is a blessing. That’s when everything turn around and the holidays due end up being Joyful.

  6. I 100% agree with this topic because for me, Christmas is my favorite holiday because I love the snow, I love the atmosphere of it, and it is the time where my whole family gets together and opens gifts. The only problem for this year is that I have no time to think about Christmas due to all the finals, papers, and even my job. I believe once this semester is done for, then I can finally relax and enjoy Christmas without any stress from school or anything else.

  7. Very realistic approach on the holiday season, because although many love this time of year because of family get together’s and spending time with family, many people do not have a lot family or even a few people to spend the holidays with. Especially people with separated parents, it could often put a great deal of stress on the parents, and the children involved. As said Helping people by inviting them over if they are lonely, or making amends with people is definitely a good idea for the holidays

  8. I agree with this post because the holidays make us realize that we should appreciate the ones around us although we forget we should appreciate them all the time. We should try to help our peers in tim of need, even without asking. We should be there for the ones we love even if we feel our world is falling apart.

  9. I would have to say that when I was a child Christmas was always my favorite time of year. Having my parents divorced I always would get double the presents and thought that was the best part. However, as you get older you see all the stress that it has to bring with it. For myself I have always stressed with coming up with gift ideas for everyone because I want to always please people. I have to make sure I spend time with both parents but separately. Now that I am recently married my husband and I came up with a plan we would spend christmas eve with my mother and christmas day with my father so both parents are happy. We both enjoy doing that and try not to think about the little stressors that come with the holidays. Unfortunately my husband doesn’t speak to his family so the holidays for him are upsetting but he now has my family and they treat him like a son.

  10. This is a very nice thought. People never realize the importance of things they are blessed with. A person’s need never ends. The fulfillment of one need will never make them happy, it is just the start of another need. A person with a bike is not happy with the bike, he needs a car. A person with a normal car need a more expensive car to be happy. But what about a person without leg, he doesn’t need a car or a bike to be happy, he just need a pair of legs to be happy. But are all the people with leg happy? Happiness varies from person to person because every person’s needs are different. Now a days happiness is considered as the fulfillment of more and more needs. People are unable to see what they are blessed with. They keep on searching for new things. It is the responsibility of each individual to be happy with what they have. Try to be thankful for what you have than to complain for what you don’t have. I am blessed with a family. I am thankful to God for my family. Take a minute and look at ourselves and try to find the small happiness you are blessed with. Because, at the end when you look back at your life, you will still be unhappy even though you achieved a lot. Nothing in this world can make you unhappy, because it is you who decides what you want to be.

  11. This is a touching and understanding point of you. The beginning was a little of a drag and not something I would want to hear. It’s like the times when your mom said to eat your food because they’re starving kids who would want it. It is not something that make you feel good. Knowing someone else pain just make you feel worst than before.
    Point 1: I was a little confused on, I would love for you to verify it
    Point 2: You are totally right, we need to get to know someone and build a relationship. I think people would view others less of a burden if they do that
    Point 3:The volunteering is a great idea
    Point 4: Leaving someone with your child is not a great idea, this world is way dangerous than it is. But, donating the food is wonderful because we tend to buy more than we need during the holiday.
    Point 5: People need to understand that being alone during the holiday isn’t as bad as it is. If we keep depending on others we tend to have a dependency for company. I think people need to learn to celebrate their alone time before involving others.

  12. Holidays were always happy times for me when I was younger. As I got older I noticed that the holidays brought more problems than joyful moments. I remember as a kid having to spend half the time with my mom’s side of the family first and then leave to go with my dad’s side and I used to hate it because sometimes I just wanted to spend the whole holiday event at one side of the family. Eventually, it would also become hectic for my parents to choose what side they should celebrate it with this year. It was happy until then so it’s understandable when they say the holidays are happy yet not so happy at the same time. This year for me was different, my family decided to host Thanksgiving at my house and I got to spend it with both families and I invited my boyfriend as well but this time around the conflict was that my boyfriend wanted to spend it with his mom and brother instead of coming to my house and it became annoying because every family member that came in kept asking where my boyfriend was and each time I said well he is at his families this year and I noticed I became bothered by the fact that he was not there. I agree, that we all have this issue and it’s not just one problem that can occur but multiple to make the holidays stressful when they shouldn’t be. It should be a time for happiness and joy to spend with the ones you love. I’ve always said that when I have my own kids I would like to make the holidays as enjoyable as possible for them by avoiding conflict between spending time with one family or the other like it was for me because then it does become a not so happy holiday anymore.

  13. As a child the holidays were always a special time of year filled with joy and seeing family I had not seen all year. Now being older it is still that time of year I see aunts, uncles, and cousins I don’t normally see in the year with all our busy schedules but sometimes its just not as joyful as it once was. As a college student the holidays are usually the most stressful time of year with midterms around Thanksgiving and finals days before Christmas. The holidays are also the busiest time in my job working double shifts and dealing with equally stressed customers who take it out on the cashiers. With a job comes the expectation of great expensive gifts to all your friends and family. All this stress just diminishes the joy you’re supposed to feel during the holidays not to mention the aftermath that comes once the holidays are over. It’s as if a wave of cheer, music, and bright lights washes through you and then once that wave passes it takes that cheer and brightness and you don’t really know what to do with yourself anymore.

    As a kid you don’t really worry about how anyone else is spending the holidays just that you get to eat all the amazing food and get the right toy you’ve been asking for. As an adult you worry about the people who don’t have any family let alone family they reunite with on Christmas. It just really makes you appreciate what you have more and see how getting a toy or an electronic is kind of useless when there are other people who don’t have a roof over their heads or any food on their plates. There is just so much more to think about during the holidays now that I’m older that I agree they have become not-so-happy-holidays.

  14. This is a very important message, that many people overlook or will never really know about/understand. It may not be the most urgent thing we must be aware about, but to really understand and care for each other as a society, this branches out into points of interest that would help us do so.
    During the holidays, (especially christmas, and similar holidays celebrating love, joy, and loved ones) suicide rates skyrocket. I myself suffer from depression and have attempted suicide, so I myself understand the mindset of said people quite well. While I myself would love to pitch in on the point of view of someone of that group for this discussion, I can’t quite do so. I’m fortunate enough to have a lot of family and friends, so I never feel misreable during the holidays. This post even made me think that I should invite some of my friends who may be lonely over for the holidays if the opportunity presents itself. You never know, you could be saving a life.
    Even when if you aren’t making such a significant change, you could be making a world of a difference for them. In our society we are so individualistic, and caught up in our own agendas that we often forget to take care of those around us. Like I mentioned earlier, understanding this opens up a lot of doors to other important topics and conversations that we all should be having to maintain healthy and meaningful relationships.

  15. This message is very touching and open minded. its true, holidays are times for peace and joy. However, for some, its a very stressful time. when i was a kid, i enjoyed holidays becuase it was time for school vacation, lots of food, and playtime with family relatives. Now as an adult and college student, i can finally understand why holidays were stressful times for my parents and my older siblings. I’ve stepped into my older brother’s shoes and realized exams before holidays are the worst. Why have us study before times of peace? and why have us wondering if we failed or passed during times of peace? at home, its no different. Our relatives try to figure out who’s coming and who’s not coming. Every parent would love to have their children together on holidays. but lets not forget that if they’re married, the spouse has a family as well. On the day of the holiday like Christmas, thanksgiving, and new years, instead of coming together as a family, some families end up having domestic conflicts and it rips the family apart. Was it because they’re too drunk? or did they do or say something they didn’t like?

    In my senior year of high school, i always wondered what the homeless people in New York do during holidays. My friend and I felt generous and decided to spend $200 each on warm blankets and decided to give them to the Homeless. We didn’t mind spending money on the homeless because to us, seeing them smile, before the holidays, made it worth it. Some of the homeless people didn’t have families so it made them feel good to know that there are some people like my friend and i, who cares for them.

  16. I love this blog. The holiday season is the most exciting when you are children, when the only thing you have to look forward to is receiving gifts and eating. There is no actual pressure on kids, the pressure grows as you get older. The holiday season as you get older gets harder, it gets busier at work and you have to work more hours. If you’re a student then you are juggling finals and grades, because school does not get easier because a holiday is coming. When it comes to family, if you have one that gets along, then it is perfect. You can’t wait to all be together. If your parents are divorced like mine, you have to “pick” which to go with and it makes it all more complicated. I didn’t feel like picking last holiday so I spent it with my friend. As you get older, the more complicated things get. Even the most joyous of holidays are such an, “ugh”.

  17. I really liked this post professor. I think this sent out a very important message. I have never thought about it in the way you described it. I always look forward to the holidays but when the time actually comes, it becomes more of an emotional time. Not only is it emotional but stressful too. With school, when the holidays are approaching we know so much has to get done and make sure we finish the semester strong. This takes a lot of the joy away from the holiday season because we are so focused on work and not focused on spending time with people we love and appreciating all that we have. This is a very realistic approach to the holiday season and I believe a lot of people agree but don’t like to face the harsh reality of it.

  18. Thanksgiving day was my favorite holiday. My entire family took the time out to come together just to celebrate a day to give thanks for everything that was a success in their life and to be grateful to have each other as a family in one setting. Thanksgiving was a time to remember. after the death of my mother everything changed; no more thanksgiving to celebrate. I look forward to a lonely day on thanksgiving. I make it my point of duty to work a double just to spend thanksgiving with my fellow coworkers. being alone is difficult, especially on a day to celebrate. loneliness bring thoughts of doing things you don’t want to do, like taking your life. So I totally agree that a person should find another lonely person to spend the time together. I hope one day my family would come together again and celebrate thanksgiving once more; if not I will continue to celebrate thanksgiving with me fellow workers instead of being lonely at home.

  19. Most people spend holidays with families and I have 2 separate families cause my mother and father were never married, so if my sisters on my dad’s side are celebrating Christmas or something I’d usually spend Christmas Day with my mom and hang out with them a different day because I’m the only family my mom’s got here in this country, everybody else is back home in Brazil, now that I think about it, my mom’s side feels smaller than my dad’s side.
    When it comes to burden guests at holidays parties, I’m usually the one who’s somewhat of a burden, haha. I’m more of an introvert and passive, so I tend to keep to myself at most parties because people don’t always wanna talk about the things I find easier to have a discussion on like movies or tv shows.
    I’d like to believe me helping someone else’s kid at a center is an option for me, but it’s really not. Not just because of busy and conflicting schedules, I genuinely don’t enjoy children that aren’t my own, if my sisters ever needed a babysitter I’d gladly watch over my nephews.
    We tend to not have our fridge overfed with food, at a party we’d usually have some of the guests take the food home to perhaps their own children that could not make it to the party.
    I’m normally never alone on holidays because again its just me and my mom here, we’re all each other’s really got, but my friend David sometimes tends to start arguments with his stepdad which then leads to an argument with his own mother and he comes to me to escape them and I’ve known this boy a long time so at this point we see each other as brothers.
    In conclusion, I myself am not much a holiday lover, like some people I just see it as just another day regardless of my lack of friends or family. I think this is just my own part of growing up, all I know is I never want to be alone during these holidays.

Leave a Reply to Florida Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.