If/Then

Our English teachers taught us that complex sentences use conjunctions – a “joiner” word – to bring two thoughts into a unified whole. Not only do complex sentences help us sound more intelligent, they also help us shape our lives because how we connect our thoughts can have a profound effect on our happiness.

For example, when a client says, “I want to meet someone but I know I never will” they are unhappy in the moment and see a future filled with unhappiness. If they say, “I want to meet someone and I know I will” they are filled with hope in the present and optimism for the future. If they say, “I want to meet someone so I went out” they are actively doing something that might change their present condition. It is not the connecting word alone that matters – it is the thoughts that are logically connected by the word we choose. It would not make sense, for example, to say, “I want to meet someone so I stayed home alone.” The so demanded an action to accomplish the goal stated in the first sentence.

In other words, being aware of these connections – and choosing to make more effective connections – is a fairly simple way to change our perspective. Let me give you more examples:

 “If I stay in this job I hate, then I will become more and more unhappy.” A more effective connection would be, “If I look for a new job, then I might find one that brings me more satisfaction.” “If I leave this relationship, then I might be alone forever” could be changed to, “If I move on to a new relationship, then I might find greater happiness.” Similarly, if only statements can get us stuck in the past rather than move us toward a more satisfying future: “If only I had not pushed for a commitment, we would still be together” keeps us pining for a relationship that is over.  Saying, “Although he/she was not ready for a commitment, I’m glad I let my goals be known”, however, allows us to take the positive from the past while moving toward a future in which both parties can find greater fulfillment. “I want to spend the rest of my life with you but I’m worried that I don’t make as much money as you so I will be a financial burden” changed to “I want to spend the rest of my life with you so I was wondering how you feel about the differences in our income” allows greater problem solving and less anxiety/worry.  It keeps the focus on the goal and invites multiple options to emerge.

 Even if can also be problematic. I have heard clients say, “Even if I meet someone now, I’ll be too old to have children.” Here the focus is on unfulfilled dreams and, in essence, provides no path to new dreams or fulfillment. Changing the statement to “Whether I meet someone or not, I will find a way to make some children happier” leads to finding a way to fulfill the original dream in some form (work in a hospital with babies born to mothers on drugs, volunteer to coach or spend time with children who have single parents or are in foster care, spend time with nieces/nephews/children of friends, etc.).

Words are important; they matter. So, choose your words carefully and use them as a pathway to greater contentment. If you seek greater happiness, then you will find it. It will “pop out” at you because your new perspective will allow it present itself.

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18 thoughts on “If/Then

  1. You know something Dr. Diane….I always get something out of you thinking. This time
    you validated a decision I made this morning. Left my job and will begin to seek one
    that will again bring delight and satisfaction.

    Thank you again for choosing to share your words with us.

    Linda

    1. Loved the use of the connecting word you chose. By connecting leaving work with the word “and” your goal of obtaining a job that will bring you delight and satisfaction became not only possible but probable.

  2. Great post, really important to understand the power of our words that become thoughts and perhaps actions.
    It is also motivating.

    Thank you

  3. I 100% agree with this topic. words are a powerful weapon that can either help the problem or make the problem worst. I personally always question myself and catch myself using negative terms such as ” but” and “never” and changed them to “and” and “will”. I had to take an exam for my job and I was telling my self that I WILL pass and be better at what I do. with the positive words I passed.

    – Kandis

  4. Dr. Urban reading If/Then made me think of Roger’s Humanism theory. For example, when you stated, “If I stay in this job I hate, then I will become more and more unhappy. A more effective connection would be, “If I look for a new job, then I might find one that brings me more satisfaction.” with Rogers theory he used words of encouragement like I will. If people use the word should, it doesn’t actually mean you will take action on something. Like when talking about a relationship if a person were to say ” I should leave this relationship” they will never take action but if a person says I will leave this relationship it’s a different perspective giving them a hole to take action. With Rogers theory, the person is the one responsible for their actions and consequences. Words are very powerful they can tear a person apart if used incorrectly but I love this theory because it reminds me that I have to be careful what I say to others and even myself. maybe if I am more encouraging I would not have to doubt my self when completing tasks. it will also help me make healthier and better choices in the future.

  5. Dr. Urban after reading “If/Then” it really makes you think about they things we say about ourselves. If we say something that’s negative then we aren’t going to do anything in hopes to better what we said. We are always going to see ourselves of not being able to do something. But if you act positive when talking about you doing a certain thing or achieving your goal then you will have a better chance of actually going out and getting it done. By changing certain words that we use it can really go a long way. For example “I should” and “I will”. If you say “I should really study for that test” there is a high chance they are not going to study for the test, but if you say “I will study for the test” you are taking action and already telling yourself that you are going to do this. After reading this little article I have realized how important your words are to a person and you can easily tear someone down from just one word or sentence. From reading this it reminds me to be more cautious with what you say to others but more importantly yourself. If I becoming more confident and stoping doubting myself it might help when better in my life, with school, friends and my future. This article can really help change a way a person thinks when talking and it can change them for the better.

  6. Hi Dr. Urban! Like one of the previous commenters, all of this made me think of the points brought up in humanism, and how the language we use – both to ourselves and to others – can change everything about our lives. As someone who has battled low self-confidence (as I’m sure so many of us have!), and anxiety related to my self-image, it was amazing to me to see how easily my perspective changed if I just changed my words.

    I had a therapist years ago, who really made such an impact on me. I remember I was expressing a deep fear about social situations, and whenever she would ask if I ever saw myself speaking in class, approaching strangers, or talking to someone I was romantically interested in, I would immediately shake my head and say, “nope, I can’t”. And she did exactly what you – or even what Roger would suggest – and would call me out everytime the phrase “I can’t” left my lips. Instead, I would say, “Maybe I’m not ready to do that right now, but I want to be able to do it in the future. What steps can I take to achieve this?” (Which would probably more of a cognitive/shaping method, but it was extremely effective!)

  7. I strongly agree with this idea that the way we choose to connect our words, greatly can determine our perspective on life and situations. Although I agree with this, it can be very difficult for some people who are depressed or hopeless to find these positive word connections. For example, a friend of mine has had many failed relationships and always blames herself whenever a relationship does not work out. She uses many of the negative sentences that you have mentioned. She has a very hard time finding rational statements about her past and future because she believes the past was her fault and therefore the future is destined to repeat. I am trying to make her change her perspective by changing her statements but she is very stubborn and does not believe any optimistic statement that I suggest to her. I believe this approach is strongly related to the cognitive branch of psychology because it has to do with changing the way you think and how you perceive your reality. A person can simply say these positive sayings but not truly believe in them because they do not believe in themselves and view the world has a cruel force of nature that is out to get them. Therefore, I believe in these techniques that you have written about but I do not believe it is as simple as it seems to repeat these sentences in your everyday thoughts and truly change the way you think. I believe they may benefit some but in some cases, they may even anger those who are very unhappy with their current situation because they feel as if they are lying to themselves if they make every sentence into a positive one without any assurance if it is really true or not.

  8. I can think of so many instances in which I can relate to this great article. I was in a relationship with my ex boyfriend for many years. I decided to break up with him to pursue what I really wanted in a relationship. It was extremely hard on me but two weeks later I met a new guy! Although I did not stay with the new guy, I was proud that I took a chance. Prior to the breakup I thought, if I stay with my boyfriend, than I have to accept I will not get what I want out of a relationship. I weighed that thought with, if I leave my boyfriend, than I just might get what I want in a relationship.
    When I decided to pursue my first degree I was torn between finance and nursing. Just last year I left my job as an accountant to go back to school and pursue a nursing career. I was offered a higher position at my job and turned it down. I felt, if I pursue this position, than I will make more money. The thought conflicted with, if I do not pursue this position, than I can stop thinking, what if, and just go for it. I recently validated my decision by completing a Patient Care Technician program. I had to complete an externship in a nursing home as part of the program. I felt really good helping hands on, plus I was thanked by many of the patients. I now know I am headed in the right direction.
    Over the years I learned to look at my options through many different angles. I feel this attitude has made me a more positive and patient individual. I look forward to my future decisions.

  9. Words are weapons that can injure a person’s mind and emotions. It is very important to use them wisely. This article is insightful and it made me sit and think about the words I am using daily. Incorporating a positive attitude in our thoughts and words can surely motivate ourselves and the people around us. When I feel depressed, I think about my goals and desires that I need to achieve. This gives me an inner motivation to work for it. Likewise, I feel that building good thoughts can impact our words and personality.

  10. Words are very powerful. You aswell have to be committed to what you are saying. For example, If you say you want to become something when you are older you have to make sure you do everything that will lead you to get there. “I will not stop, I will continue to reach my goal.” You have to say it and truly want it or else those words coming out will simply fade away and have no meaning to it. Reading this truly makes you think about how much impact words can have on other and yourself. This article really shines a light on that.

  11. Words can be used in a very positive or very negative way. For example I always try to tell myself positive thoughts everyday especially when I feel like I want to quit at something. I have learned that positivity always wins because yeah of course we have trials and tribulations in our lives that will make us have negative thoughts about the future but in order to fight through those rough times you got to stay positive. In the article the quote that caught my eye was “I want to meet someone so I went out” this quote stood out to me because this sounds like a person who is putting themselves out there and sounds like a person who is positive that they will meet someone.

  12. I strongly agree with this because the fact that changing a couple of words can change the way people think. People tend to stay in the past which makes them more miserable of the future. By saying I can and I will can have a more positive impact of your future then saying I can’t it won’t happen.
    Another example is that many people tend to think too far into the future which increases stress and anxiety and make them feel less productive and less social.

  13. Dr. Urban,

    this post brought back memories about Dr. Sigmund Freud and his three steps of how the mind works; the consciousness, subconsciousness, and the unconsciousness. we use 10% of our consciousness, 50-60% of our subconsciousness and 30-40% of our unconsciousness. as per choosing our words carefully is crucial, because saying something that is not meant say can put such person in a state of apologizing or saying, “if I wish I knew.” Our consciousness triggers our behavior to act without thinking. Thinking critically and choosing our words carefully comes from our subconsciousness and our unconsciousness. Thinking subconsciously and optimistically may deliver the outcome a person wishes.

  14. This article became really insightful for me because I believe it shows logical thinking to situations (optimism) that are commonly known to be pessimistic (irrational) thoughts. I also believe this is similar to Piaget’s finding that children have a difficult time understanding abstract ideas (using the Play-doh sausage example)The person only sees a “If only”, “even”, and “but.” In these cases the person only sees the sausage and ball of clay, they don’t see the transition ( not realizing that it’s all the same amount of clay used to make the shapes) that can come from that scenario.

    I do believe people should use their honest feelings/thoughts when expressing themselves – in this case, being totally negative if they feel the urge to do so. They should also keep in mind that whatever it is that they are thinking doesn’t have to be that way. Going back to Piaget, once they realize the way they think and what they are saying – in this case it’s the lump of Play-Doh they see – they will then be able to mold the situation into something better.

    Adults and adolescents can also have a difficult time understanding abstract ideas. So it’s important to remind them that words truly have power and can help shape the reality of their lives.

  15. Reading this article made me think about something that my therapist taught me before. The triangle of emotions; every time I feel trapped or I get very anxious about a situation, I remember about this triangle of emotions and working on it has been really effective for me.
    Thoughts, emotions and behaviors are all linked. The way I like to practice it, is to be mindful that because of my psychiatric diagnose, I can’t really control intrusive thoughts or my emotions, but I can definitely change my actions and behaviors in order to improve the others.
    As mentioned here, fear of the future and feeling anxiety and stress about the past are very powerful feelings that can debilitate us for longs periods of time.
    What helps for me in order to change this, is to put myself performing an action such as hiking, yoga, listening to music or trying to engage in a conversation with someone else. It is hard to push ourselves to perform an action that we don’t really feel like doing because of depression etc. but once we start recognizing the problem and we put a name on our emotions, then we realize that we have more control over what happens in our heads.

  16. Negative words are often kept with you longer than good words for an example my best friend and I always had a strong friendship never once had an argument but one night we went out and that all changed my best friend was intoxicated and that contributed to the horrible things she was saying to me although we are friend now I have never forgot the words that still haunts me that was said by her and we are good friends again but the negative words remains in my head and in our friendship

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