Category Archives: Intimacy

The Case Against Making Relationships “Work”

Emotion, Intimacy, Psychology, Relationships, Sociology, ,

If you wake up every morning, eager to go to work because you find it fulfilling and meaningful then I would agree that relationships are like work.  For too many people, however, work is a drudgery, a requirement for money that allows fun outside of the time spent there.  It is an obligation, a means to an end.  So, what are we saying when we tell ourselves or our friends that relationships are work? In talking to clients about this phrase, I have come to the conclusion that the phrase means we have to grin and bear it, not expect much from the relationship, or that we don’t deserve any more than we are getting.  There is little to nothing positive in the suggestion to “make it work”.

As I see it, relationships are places we go to restore our sense of peace and happiness.  Life can throw obstacles at us and make things difficult.  These obstacles and difficulties can lead us to fantasize about how it would be easier if we had made other choices, selected a different significant other.  However, those normal, occasional feelings, lead the couple to “work” to restore the peace and happiness they find in each other.  But what if we reframed it so it wasn’t “work”?  What if we framed it to feel like finding a new path to that supportive, comforting place? 

Perhaps a more helpful analogy regarding relationships is clothing.  We are uncomfortable in clothing that doesn’t fit us properly.  If we see something we like, but is too tight, we can take it home and choose to work out and lose some weight so we can fit into it.  Notice that the change happens in you and not in the clothing.  The work is on your part, fueled by a desire to have that clothing and feel comfortable in it. Similarly, if the clothing we love is too large for us, we can choose to have it altered.  In other words, we change the clothing. 

What troubles me most is when a person is in the early stages of a relationship, yet still refers to it as work.  In those cases, I think it is important to question the “fit.”  Is the person trying to figure out the world the way a toddler does when given a sorting toy and is trying to put the circle in the triangle?  This causes frustration and anger; once the toddler learns to sort properly, the task is easy.  I believe that relationships are supposed to be easy, too.  They are not supposed to cause us frustration, anger, and upset; they are supposed to replenish us.

If we think of relationships in terms of how they fit us, we can maintain a view that each person involved has qualities.  The question becomes do those qualities fit our needs and do ours fit theirs.  Do the roles we have in other areas of our life fit?  Do our outside interests fit?  Is their mutual respect? Is there a desire in both to make the other happy? Are both willing to maintain separate interests as well as explore mutual interests?  None of this sounds like work to me.  None of it sounds like an onerous chore that must be handled.

It seems much more productive to think about a potential relationship in terms of fit.  Just because an outfit doesn’t fit doesn’t mean it isn’t of good quality.  We can go into a high fashion store and know the material is flawless, but it just doesn’t fit.  Life is like that sometimes.  So is love.

It seems much more productive to think about a long-term relationship in terms of fit.  A favorite item of clothing can bring us comfort over so many periods of our life.  We sometimes find new ways to make it fit our lives.  I cannot stress enough that our relationship with our significant other should feel like that – comfortable, familiar, and adaptable.

When the fit is right, relationships are not work.  They are a place where our emotional reservoir is replenished.

Wedding Season

Intimacy, Psychology, Relationships, Sociology, Uncategorized, Weddings

Although we often think of the summer as wedding season, weddings are wonderful in any season of the year.  They are wonderful because they represent love, optimism, and new beginnings.

It seems to me, however, that far too often those very things a wedding represents are lost within the stress of planning for the day itself.  At first, it seems magical.  You are planning a day to celebrate your love.  Then the details begin.  How will you celebrate it?  Where will you celebrate it?  How many guests will you invite?  Where and with whom will you seat those guests?  How much will it all cost?  Who will pay for it? Will you “make it back” in gifts from your guests?  Will it rain/snow/be hot and humid on the day?  Will everything be on schedule? 

How can we avoid the stress and embrace the love, optimism, and sense of new beginnings?   The answer rests, in part, in making sure we are solving the right “problem.”  I know problem does not sound like the right word, but problems are simply situations that must be dealt with.  In psychology, we think of problems as anything that requires us to figure out how to achieve our goal.  So, what is the goal? 

Let me digress for a moment.  It is important to understand the steps in solving a problem so we can then apply it to the problem at hand: weddings.  The key to solving any problem is problem representation – to know what the problem actually is.  To ensure that we know what the problem is, we must define it as broadly as possible, determine what category or categories it fits, and then check our assumptions.

So, let’s begin. 

How can we define the problem of a wedding more broadly?  Perhaps, instead of thinking of it as planning for one day, we think of it as planning for a marriage.  By thinking of it as the start of a marriage, the focus remains on the celebration of the creation of a union, the joining of a couple.  However, now the couple can also consider how they want to establish their united role within their extended family and friendship groups.  Rather than stressing over who to invite or where they will sit, the question becomes how these different groups will be involved in their lives going forward.

Expanding the definition of the problem impacts the categories as well.  Categories for a wedding, or a marriage, include the big three – person, place, or thing.  What those categories include, however, may be different if we are considering the day or the marriage.  When we think wedding day and people, we think the couple, officiant, immediate and extended families, friends, DJ, caterers/servers, photographer, and videographer.  When we think marriage, we think of the couple, immediate and extended families and friends, but we eliminate the others (DJ, caterers/servers, photographer, and videographer).  When we think wedding day and place, we think of a specific location for a specific party.  When we think of marriage and place, we think of where they will live and how that environment will impact their daily lives and happiness.  When we think of the wedding day and things, we think of the cost (for everything), when we think of the marriage, we think about how those costs for one day might impact the ability to achieve our bigger dreams, whatever they might be (a bigger apartment, a home, a family). 

After we expand the problem and consider the categories, we next need to actually check our assumptions.  For example, if we assume that if we exclude someone from the guest list they will be hurt and stop talking to us, we need to check that by asking the person.  I know that sounds risky, but the risk is minimized by the words we use to explain our decision: “We wish we could invite you to be part of our wedding day. Unfortunately, we could not include everyone who has been important to us and who will continue to be important to us.  Please know you will be with us in our hearts; we have every intention to keep you in the more important place in our lives – in our marriage, our lifetime.”  If someone who receives this note chooses to be angry, perhaps that is a different problem that needs to be solved.  The original problem was not how you were going to make others happy.  The original problem was how you were going to celebrate love, optimism, and new beginnings.

If we assume that “everyone” has a big wedding and they expect us to as well, then we need to check that assumption.  It is clear that not everyone has a big wedding.  The more important assumption to check is what the couple considers the key elements of a wedding day to be.  What do they want to remember about that day?  What they wore? The flowers? The way they looked at each other? The vows they made? The love they shared with family and friends? The food? The drinks? The music? The location?

As you outline what you want to remember about the day, it moves the focus from the day to the marriage.  It includes the magical part of being special and surrounded by love.  It includes feeling joy and sharing that joy with others.  It includes recognizing that the people who will remain in your life as a part of your marriage are those who understand the difficult decisions involved in planning a wedding day. 

In reality, the only requirements for a wedding day are a couple and an officiant.  The rest is optional.  So, enjoy solving the problem of how you will celebrate your love, optimism, and new beginnings.  Celebrate your unity, your marriage, your lifetime.

“Marriage is like watching the color of leaves in the fall; ever changing and more stunningly beautiful with each passing day.” ~ Fawn Weaver

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A Complaint Is An Opening

Anxiety, Categorization, Change, Differences, Emotion, Intimacy, Psychology, Relationships, Sociology, Uncategorized, Work-Life Balance, Worry, , , ,

We all feel great after receiving a compliment. It makes us happy and, while we try to stay humble, we might have the urge to share the compliment with cherished family or friends. Compliments, after all, are affirmations of our worth.

Complaints or criticisms, however, rarely make us feel good about ourselves. When we hear one, often our first reaction is upset. Then we add some defensiveness. And for many of us, it ends there; however, we need to learn to work our way to wonder. Why did the person feel that way? What feedback can I get from this? Wonder, then, is the opening to growth.

I will share a recent example. I was teaching an Introduction to Psychology class on Zoom and was enjoying the interaction that had developed among the students. There was an active dialogue, with students sharing orally or in the chat. We were discussing an article about why boys often lose interest in academics. Then, the complaint. One of the students said, “Well, as a man, I can say that I want you to get to the point. Your stories just don’t hold my interest.”

My reaction: immediate upset. Thoughts included: I work so hard to make the material relevant and useful; that was rude; how does he expect me to respond to that accusation? Defensiveness was next. Thoughts included: I have incredible ratings on MyProfessor.com; I have won two awards for Excellence in Teaching, one a statewide award. Who was he to tell me how to teach?

But then, I encouraged myself to move to wonder. Thoughts included: I wonder what kinds of stories would hold his interest; I wonder how many weeks ago he lost interest; I wonder why he still comes to class; I wonder why he felt comfortable sharing his point of view. That was the opening.

Once I recognized that his comment was an invitation for me to engage in a meaningful conversation, the door to growth opened. I embraced the idea that he felt safe enough to criticize me in real time and I was then able to ask how he thought I could improve. We both grew from the exchange of ideas.

I know I’m not alone in my reaction to complaints or criticisms. They are, at their core, feedback. The problem is that so many of us do not know how to provide meaningful feedback. Compliments are easy feedback. The person simply has to tell us what we did right. A complaint or criticism requires that the person includes a suggestion for improvement; it requires that they tell us what they want/need us to do in the future.

Because most people tell us what they don’t want (the complaint) and forget to include what they do want, we tend to go into fight/flight mode, making our response less effective. The fix, however, is to go into “wonder mode”. When I did that, I was able to elicit the feedback I needed from the student. Wonder mode is much more effective that fight/flight mode. It allows us to think and to solve problems.

So, the next time you get some feedback that causes you to feel upset and defensive, try to add the “I wonder.” Say to your supervisor, “I wonder if you can suggest how I can handle that situation next time.” This is a statement that opens a door to growth. The next time your teacher grades an assignment as needs improvement, ask “I wonder if you could offer some advice about what I need to do to improve this grade going forward.” This is a statement that opens a door to growth. The next time your significant other makes a comment that you interpret as a cause for alarm about the health of your relationship ask, “I wonder if there is something I can do to make things better between us.” This is a statement that opens a door to growth, especially if your partner wonders the same.

A complaint is an opening. So, don’t fear it. Instead wonder about it and embrace the opportunity.

Discussing Real Matters – Zoom with Dr. Urban

Anxiety, Change, Emotion, Intimacy, Psychology, Relationships, Uncategorized, Work-Life Balance, Worry

When I’m Not Rushing, Feeling Guilty and Pulled in Every Direction…I Enjoy My Life

So many of us feel like we are always in survival mode, just moving about endlessly from one responsibility to the next, from one requirement to the next, from one obligation to the next. We don’t even have time to consider how we got to this place or what we can do to transition to a “workable” mode, or better yet a “thriving” mode.

Join me for an hour-long online discussion via Zoom at 7PM on Wednesday, February 16th. We will discuss why everything seems to be a priority, how to categorize our priorities more effectively, and how to enjoy our lives – at least a little bit – every day.

Register for the workshop here: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1QnKH2tRkVtGJ1ElfNbf-DcWYr9qR0RUIx0IrdKP-2j4/edit

The fee is $5.00 for one person; $10.00 for 2 or more, payable in advance via Venmo (@Diane-Urban-5) RSVP requested by 5PM on 2/14.

Discussing Real Matters – Zoom with Dr. Urban

Intimacy, Psychology, Relationships, Sociology, Uncategorized

Why Are So Many Of Our Relationships So Draining?

Many people describe relationships as “work” — as if our relationships are onerous, a chore that must be dealt with on a regular basis.  But, what would happen if we saw our relationships as something that must be nurtured, rather than some chore that must be attended to?

Join me for an hour-long online discussion via Zoom at 7PM on Thursday, November, 4th.  We will discuss the factors that make for relationships that revitalize us versus those that drain us.  Relationships will be inclusive tonight – friendships, family, romantic – as we search for what the best relationships in any category have in common.

https://forms.gle/aD7nu5Z9NCyMAZFX6

The fee is $5.00 for one person; $10.00 for 2 or more, payable in advance via Venmo (@Diane-Urban-5) RSVP requested by 5PM on 11/3. 

The Real Struggle of Social Distancing

COVID-19, Intimacy, Psychology, Relationships, Sociology, Uncategorized

This year we have all struggled with social distancing.  We have seen so many different ways to ensure that we keep our distance –from diagrams on the floor to pool noodle hats.  The truth is, we already knew how to keep our distance from strangers.  In the United States, six feet between strangers is the norm and when we are forced to be closer than that we use other strategies to maintain distance (like avoid eye contact).  So what we have truly struggled with this year is maintaining social intimacy while simultaneously maintaining physical distance from family and friends who do not live with us.

Physical proximity is a key component of intimacy.  We use “nearness” as a measure for grouping.  Gestalt psychology identified this principle in the 1800s; items that are near each other – even if they are not similar – are organized as a group.  For example, different flowers (roses, lilies, tulips) become a bouquet when they are tied together.  Our social groups are formed this way too.  We know someone is a stranger if they are physically distant from us; we know they are part of our intimate circle if they are near us.  We look at a baby we do not know; our baby sits on our lap.  Others know we are intimate because of that proximity, a level of closeness reserved for that relationship.  Every day we scanned the world and made these quick and usually valid assumptions about intimacy based on proximity.  On the first day of class, students select a seat closer to friends; they leave space if they enter a room and see only unfamiliar faces.  We assumed people were family and friends because they hugged, they shared a chair, they were holding hands, or they were resting their heads on each other’s shoulders.  

Covid-19 changed all of that.  Suddenly, intimacy could not be determined by physical proximity.  Family members outside the “pod” had to keep the same physical distance as total strangers.  Our confusion was made worse by calling it social distancing, putting in our minds that we needed to keep away from people, we needed to limit our interactions. Really all we needed to limit was our proximity.  Our task, our very difficult task, was maintaining social intimacy in the absence of touch.

This new path was a struggle for all of us; it was a struggle because touch is a key part of intimacy.  Some have managed better than others.  For some, technology has helped; video calls allow a greater perception of proximity than an audio call does.  For some, those with a yard or access to outdoor space, the “seeing” eased it a bit.  But at the end, the roller coaster of emotion always included a desire to touch.  We didn’t – and still do not – know how to end a call or a visit; the usual was a hug, a handshake, a touch of some kind. 

I do realize that with the vaccines and all we have learned this year, physical intimacy will return.  But it is still months away.  We need to use this time developing new strategies for intimacy.  Where a hug could make us feel loved, we need to be better at using our words to express it.  We need to use our eyes better, use them to express the tenderness we feel inside.  We need to use our words of support more frequently.  We need to share our thoughts more frequently (even the bittersweet ones the “I made this meal I know you like – it made me think of you and miss you – I can’t wait until we can share the meal again).  We need to share our recipes, our strategies, and our hopes.  We need to share ourselves on a deeper level and if we do that I guarantee you that when we do hug again – and we will – it will be even better than we remember!

Memory Lane

Fear, Intimacy, Loneliness, Psychology, Relationships, Siblings, Sociology, Uncategorized, Worry,

While social distancing has provided us with numerous reasons to be anxious, it’s also giving many of us much more time with our family and friends.  Whether we are connecting with them via phone, text, or physically spending all day with them, we are all looking for things to talk about (besides the elephant in the room, that is).   Many of us have blown the dust off our board games, started puzzles, or reached in the corners of our play cabinets for arts and crafts supplies.  But, I have an activity that only requires pen and paper and will not only prove to be fun, but help us strengthen the connections we are so desperately missing. 

I like to call this activity Memory Lane.  I developed it some time ago to help my students understand memory processes better.  Even though it’s technically a “school” activity, it’s one my students always enjoyed and is fun for the whole family!  It gives us all a chance not only to share memories, but to connect with each other and learn new perspectives.

Here are the directions:

  1. Create a visual map or diagram that depicts the path you take in recalling a specific memory. Make sure it is a memory you think you share with someone else.  It must be written out. 

For example, when I think about my daughter’s first day of kindergarten, I start with a picture of her at age 5 in my mind.  Then I add my husband who was there too, and then the other children at the bus stop. From there, I remember how the bus was late, feeling very upset, leaving to go teach my first class of the semester, and then to her waving goodbye to me. Suddenly, I see her leaving for college. Then I see her first day as a teacher.

  • Next, go to the other person who shares this memory with you. Ask them, “What do you remember about this event?”  Either ask them to write out their path for that memory or you do it as they tell you what they remember (Make sure you do not interrupt them while they recalling the event).  
  • Finally, share your memory with them.  You might be surprised how different your memories are.

For example, when I asked my husband what he remembered about our daughter’s first day of kindergarten, he responded “She was excited about wearing a dress with pockets.  After you left, we sat in beach chairs waiting for the bus; it was so late! She had such a big smile when she sat by the window and waved goodbye. Hard to believe she is grown now and that was so long ago. She is teaching now. Doesn’t seem possible.”

Ultimately, the goal is for the two (or more of you) to talk about the similarities and differences in your memories. How similar/different were they? What do you think accounts for the similarities/differences?

Most students feel this exercise makes the memory more whole; they learn that an event can be special to people, but that what makes it special can be very different.

At this moment in time, we are all concerned about loss; this is a wonderful way to focus on what will always bind us to our friends and family – love, concern, and memories.

Do You Only Have Eyes for Me?

Intimacy, Psychology, Relationships, Sociology, Uncategorized

In 1953 Frank Sinatra sang, “My love must be a kind of blind love/I can’t see anyone but you…You are here and so am I/Maybe millions of people go by/But they all disappear from view/And I only have eyes for you”*.  The fact that at least 12 other entertainers have remade this song (most recently in 2017 by Kevin Morby) suggests that these words resonated with many people. 

For many, the “no looking” rule has become an indicator of true love.  If a significant other even glances momentarily at a random stranger it has the potential to become an argument about faithfulness.  Glancing has become as serious an offense as acting upon ones momentary impulse.  For me, cheating involves engaging in emotional or physical intimacy with someone other than your significant other.  Glancing, an action that is unintentional and meaningless, is different from looking.  Looking is longer, it involves some attentiveness to detail, and some thinking about what one is looking at.  So a look – if it results in feeling hurt or disrespected must be addressed. 

I think it says more about the person who gets upset by it than it does about the person who glanced.  I’m sure that statement stirs some controversy and some comments – so let me elaborate.

A strong reaction to a glance is essentially a sign of jealousy.  Cognitive psychologists would suggest that the offended person was struggling with some irrational thoughts of their own.  Examples might be (1) Everyone is a cheater, (2) I can’t control myself so you can’t control yourself, or (3) I can’t be trusted so neither can you.  A psychologist who favors a humanist approach would suggest that the real/ideal self has been split and the offended person feels unworthy of love.  Examples might be (1) I should be more interesting so he/she does not have to look at others, (2) he/she would rather be with them than with me, or (3) I should look for someone new and show them how it feels to be ignored like this.  A Freudian would examine the childhood issues that led to this trauma over a glance.  For example, (1) did the parent/nurturer abandon them at a young age? (2) did the parent/nurturer make them compete for affection? or (3) did the parent/nurturer cause them to feel insignificant in some way?  Finally, a behavioral psychologist would examine if the offended person (1) has been rewarded for acting like they have been slighted in other situations, (2) has been rewarded for starting unnecessary arguments, or (3) has been rewarded for creating drama. 

Solutions based on cognitive psychology involve limiting our irrational thoughts, often accomplished by minimizing generalizations and checking for both confirming and disconfirming evidence.  For example, it is true that some people cheat; it is not true that everyone does.  Humanists seek greater congruity between real/ideal self by helping a person limit conditions of worth, often accomplished by examining the shoulds we say.  For example, by saying I need/want to be more interesting, one takes the “power” of insecurity away from others and causes a person to take responsibility for becoming who one seeks to be.  Freudians would use techniques to uncover the pains of childhood.  By doing so the offended person would come to realize that they are acting out toward their significant other in a way that is really meant to resolve a hurt caused by a parent.  Finally, the behaviorist would seek to help the offended person by helping the significant other learn to ignore behaviors that relate to unjustified accusations of cheating and reward behaviors that build trust.

So go out and glance anywhere and everywhere.  The important thing is that you look at your significant other.

“Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous” ~ 1 Corinthians 13:4

*Songwriters: Al Dubin / Harry Warren I Only Have Eyes for You lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Warner Chappell Music, Inc.

If you enjoy reading my posts, please subscribe using the signup box at the side of the page.  Once you sign up, you will receive a confirming email.  When you respond to that confirmation email, you will get updates on any new items I post.  It is my hope that these blogs are a starting point for great discussions and shared ideas.  I look forward to reading the comments you post. 

He Said, She Said

Intimacy, Psychology, Relationships, Sociology, Uncategorized, , , , , , ,

Words are so interesting.  The first time I realized that the word “sentence” could mean “a group of words that convey meaning” or “what you get when convicted of a crime,” well, I felt my brain explode.  How could a word mean such different things?  English teachers explained the importance of context clues.  We know what the word means because of the surrounding words – the context that the creator has developed. 

In our relationships, we often believe that the shared context is the relationship so the common words we use must mean the same thing to both of us.  We believe that a word has shared meaning and we do not need to check whether or not that is so.  When we are talking to our significant others, we generally feel quite certain that they know what we mean when use a word.

Unfortunately, this is not always the case and these misunderstandings can have negative consequences.  For example, I worked with a couple where the woman had never – in 8 years – said she was sorry.  Over time, he had become convinced that she was indifferent to his feelings; she simply didn’t care if he was hurt.  During a session, she stated quite emphatically, “Why would I say I am sorry?  I NEVER do anything to intentionally hurt him!”  And there it was.  For her, sorry meant she hurt him on purpose and with purpose.  In fact, over that same time period, she had become convinced that he thought she was a terrible person because every time he asked her to say she was sorry, she thought he was saying she had hurt him intentionally.  For him, the word sorry meant, “I know you’re hurt and I wish you weren’t” – it had nothing to do with whether the hurt happened with intent.

Now, think about what the word “commitment” means.  Really think.  How would you define it?

I worked with a couple that had very different interpretations of the word.  They had come in to talk about where their relationship was headed. They had been living together for quite some time.  She said she had begun to question his commitment.  He said, “I’m here aren’t I?” – he felt his actions provided all the evidence of commitment.  Eventually, I gave them each a piece of paper and asked them to write down what the word commitment meant to them.  She wrote three lines “living together, being supportive of individual goals, working toward mutual goals”.  He wrote several paragraphs.  The first began “commitment, being committed.  Being institutionalized.”  He went on to say “Nobody can ask for commitment.  It must be freely given” and added that commitment is a synonym for a trap, a “device meant to capture a living thing, so that it may be subjugated to the control of another entity”.  His focus was on commitment as a method for restricting freedom.  At first glance, these comments certainly seem irreconcilable, making one question if this couple should even be together.  Was this a deal breaker? https://real-matters.com/?p=19

Examining their definitions more closely, though, revealed that their relationship goals were not all that different.  The word commitment had only negative connotations for him, but as we discussed their relationship further, it became very clear that he wanted to spend his life with her; he wanted to make her happy, he wanted everything on her list.   He felt his actions demonstrated that he wanted to live together (he was there, as he had said), they were supportive of individual goals, and they were working toward mutual goals.  She agreed whole-heartedly. 

What they needed was a new language in their relationship. She learned to hear the commitment in his actions and he learned to use his words more often.  They both stopped using the word commitment and learned to see the beauty in the freedom to freely choose to be together.

This couple has been married for many years now.  Every holiday season they send me a card and in it they write, “Still married, but not committed” – makes me smile every time.

What can we all learn from this?  Among other things, we can learn that the assumptions we make about how someone else feels must be shared with them so they can be checked and addressed. We may be wrong about what they are thinking and feeling.  We can learn that the words we say to each other truly matter and that even words that are “common,” words that are used frequently by so many of us, can have very different emotional connotations to them.  When we reflect on the recurring arguments we have with someone who holds a special place in our lives, we might want to look more closely at the words we are using.  We might share our definition of those words and ask for theirs.  We may discover that we have the same goal and it is the words getting in our way, and not the sentiment behind them.

~“Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won’t come in.” ~ Isaac Asimov

Empty Nest or New Beginnings

Intimacy, Parenting, Psychology, Relationships, Uncategorized, , ,

I know so many couples starting out – moving in together, getting married. Interestingly, no one refers to them as empty nesters or asks them “How do feel now that you are empty nesters?” Yet, that is the most frequently asked question posed to their parents.

Rather than focusing on new beginnings and possibilities, as we do for couples starting out, the phrase “empty nest” causes parents to focus on the end of the family they grew and, hopefully, enjoyed. Empty, by definition, means, “containing nothing; not occupied or inhabited…lacking…substance, meaning, or value”. “Empty nest” implies a loss of some kind, an ending, a finality.

By including the phrase “empty nest” in the question, it almost demands a somewhat negative response. The word empty requires that the person responding address the connotation of the word. In other words, when people ask how one is adjusting to the “empty nest” it begs a response of how one is coping with some loss. Home is no longer full. Life is no longer full. The relationship with your significant other is lacking. Nothing is left. Generally, people respond in variations of “We’re adjusting,” “It’s much more quiet now,” or “I didn’t expect to miss them, but I do.”

Now that we’ve mused over the concept of empty, let’s think about the symbolism of the nest. Initially, one typically pictures a nest filled with baby birds chirping for their parents to feed them. But, before that picture can become a reality, one of two things had to happen. Either (1) birds built a brand new nest or (2) birds took over an abandoned nest. So the overall imagery is creating, building, filling. Abandoned nests are reclaimed and given new life. That is the symbolism that is much more relevant to human “empty nesters”; they are recreating their nest and repurposing it for their future life.

The nest symbolism is quite relevant. When we start out, we don’t focus on the nest we are leaving; rather, we focus on the nest we are building. The nest is not empty; it is filled with the love we have for each other. Over the years, we continued to fill the nest, with memories, with dreams created, fulfilled, or modified. We filled it with hopes, wishes, laughter, sadness, tears, surprises, fears, remorse, gratitude, friendships, and more and more opportunities for love.

When our lives have been so full, how can the nest ever be empty? Why would we suddenly wonder if our new life would be one “containing nothing; not occupied or inhabited…lacking…substance, meaning, or value”?

Clearly, when people ask, “How do feel now that you are empty nesters?” they do not intend to cause any sadness. Many probably hope they will hear about the “relief” of having our children leave or the pride in their ability to “fly on their own”. If that is what we actually want to hear about, then ask about their favorite memories of their life to this point, and their hopes, dreams, wishes, and plans for the future.

Let us help them repurpose their nest and remember that a nest can never be empty when it has been built from so many fulfilled dreams, so many goals for the present, and so many hopes for the future.