Category Archives: Sociology

Defending Your Mental Health During COVID-19

COVID-19, Psychology, Relationships, Sociology, Uncategorized, Walls, Worry, ,

Re-opening has caused us all a bit of anxiety.  Different rules in different areas, different comfort levels for people not only in the same geographical area, but even for people sharing the same home.  So, I thought it would be fun to use the lens of Freudian defense mechanisms to explore how we are controlling our anxiety.

I tend to use intellectualization: I find out the facts and reassure myself that if I follow the suggestions to stay healthy, then I will stay healthy. Some people use denial: they continue their daily routines as if nothing is different.   Statements that indicate the use of denial include “I don’t know anyone who got sick”, “It’s just like the flu”, and “The whole thing is a world-wide hoax.”  Some use identification: repeating words spoken by political leaders as the basis of their actions.  Identification is evidenced by statements such as, “I don’t know why you are over-reacting like this,” or “wearing a mask is for cowards.”  Some identify with the scientific community and cite statistics about spikes in cases and statistics about first versus second wave of the pandemic. 

Others use repression: they actually hear the news and then forget everything they hear. The combination of repression and denial is what I see when I witness public figures still shaking hands, touching microphones, or not wearing a mask.  Some use regression: yelling, fighting, throwing tantrums at the store and in their homes. Some use reaction formation: acting the opposite of how they really feel.  I imagine many front line health workers are using that defense mechanism.

Sadly, some are using displacement, diverting their anger from the source to a different target (usually a weaker one). So, they are yelling at significant others, children, strangers because they want to yell at the virus and make it stay far away from themselves and those they care about.

Whatever mechanisms you are using to ease your anxiety, try to be kind to yourself and others. We need each other right now.

Thoughts on Systemic Racism

Change, Differences, Education, Equality, Fear, Hate, Psychology, Relationships, Sociology, Uncategorized, Violence,

After reading an article entitled Listening to Killers (https://www.apa.org/monitor/2016/02/killers) by Rebecca Clay (Monitor on Psychology, Feb. 2016), a student wrote this reflection about addressing violent crime and the violence of racism.  His words deepened my understanding – so much so that I wanted to share his insights with a wider audience.

A Reflection on Listening to Killers by James Liverman

The article discussed young people committing murder. It talked of their environment as a cause of their moral depravity, as well as parental abandonment. It didn’t specifically state this fact, but I believe a lot of those killers are Black and Brown people. The author says, “The general public tends to view murderers as absolutely evil persons or people so damaged; they can’t possibly live among us. But most killers are untreated traumatized children who are controlling the actions of the scary adults they have become.”

I believe that society is also the cause and the reason these young people kill.

They come from descendants that were held in captivity and forced to witness some of the most horrific punishment – punishment that you or I can’t even begin to imagine. Punishment only limited by the imagination of the slave owners trying to instill in a people the cost of running away or thinking of being a human being.

In addition, “breeding” occurred where the children or offspring were taken at birth and sold. The father went from one stall to the next to impregnate a female or “wench” as they were called. The family unit wasn’t allowed to exist by SOCIETY. Those parental bonds were taken away by the society of the time.  Fast forward to today and it is called “parental abandonment.”

This thinking – the slavery, the punishment, the breeding – occurred less than one hundred and fifty years ago, and then, hundreds of thousands of uneducated people (people who weren’t allowed to be educated) were released in a land to fend for themselves: “The Emancipation Proclamation”.

So, the trauma happened, I believe when they were born in America’s society as Black and Brown people. The existing system or society was not designed for them. So, the systemic or institutional racism became a weapon of war against them, hence the warzones they were born into. Police departments around the country are more than able to stem the violence in all neighborhoods assigned to that precinct, one would imagine, so how are the ghettos or warzones, as the article states, allowed to fester?

I believe that the Black and Brown people inherited trauma; their aggression is normalized on television every night: kill or be killed. Their parents’ vocabulary, the same as any parents’ vocabulary of love and staying safe, may be less than a thousand words while society’s vocabulary is two-hundred thousand by their teen years. They never leave the “warzone”, so life has no value to them.

Dr. Garbarino’s work is amazing; he has dedicated his life to studying how America’s oppression can rear such seemingly dehumanized individuals. He relates this to their disappearing family upbringing. More importantly, he relates it to the experience of growing up in a warzone “with high community violence, gangs, chronic threats and stress.” This environment consists of living to be 21 and getting paid by vehicles other than a welfare system that’s built on the principle that this is their “right of passage”. Could he himself be suffering from “institutional racism”, though?

He then answers whether these murderers can be rehabilitated or cured for lack of a better word. After being incarcerated in “cages” for more than 10, 15, 20 years or so, they live in Rome and do as the Romans do. Some take advantage of the wisdom that comes from the older prisoners who have matured in a “cage”. What’s the parole board like in a society that’s the cause of your incarceration? Is it the systemic racism washed from that parole board that allows the victim’s family to spew their hatred for you, and use that as a determining factor in whether you are released or denied parole or release?

These are just my thoughts on the matter. I’m not a psychologist; however, I believe sentencing juveniles to life terms and changing the laws so that they could be sentenced that way is unconstitutional and criminal. If they were given the resources to become educated and teachable, a lot of people who are given time away from a “traumatic” or “unhealthy” background, would be capable of becoming a functioning member of American society.

Memory Lane

Fear, Intimacy, Loneliness, Psychology, Relationships, Siblings, Sociology, Uncategorized, Worry,

While social distancing has provided us with numerous reasons to be anxious, it’s also giving many of us much more time with our family and friends.  Whether we are connecting with them via phone, text, or physically spending all day with them, we are all looking for things to talk about (besides the elephant in the room, that is).   Many of us have blown the dust off our board games, started puzzles, or reached in the corners of our play cabinets for arts and crafts supplies.  But, I have an activity that only requires pen and paper and will not only prove to be fun, but help us strengthen the connections we are so desperately missing. 

I like to call this activity Memory Lane.  I developed it some time ago to help my students understand memory processes better.  Even though it’s technically a “school” activity, it’s one my students always enjoyed and is fun for the whole family!  It gives us all a chance not only to share memories, but to connect with each other and learn new perspectives.

Here are the directions:

  1. Create a visual map or diagram that depicts the path you take in recalling a specific memory. Make sure it is a memory you think you share with someone else.  It must be written out. 

For example, when I think about my daughter’s first day of kindergarten, I start with a picture of her at age 5 in my mind.  Then I add my husband who was there too, and then the other children at the bus stop. From there, I remember how the bus was late, feeling very upset, leaving to go teach my first class of the semester, and then to her waving goodbye to me. Suddenly, I see her leaving for college. Then I see her first day as a teacher.

  • Next, go to the other person who shares this memory with you. Ask them, “What do you remember about this event?”  Either ask them to write out their path for that memory or you do it as they tell you what they remember (Make sure you do not interrupt them while they recalling the event).  
  • Finally, share your memory with them.  You might be surprised how different your memories are.

For example, when I asked my husband what he remembered about our daughter’s first day of kindergarten, he responded “She was excited about wearing a dress with pockets.  After you left, we sat in beach chairs waiting for the bus; it was so late! She had such a big smile when she sat by the window and waved goodbye. Hard to believe she is grown now and that was so long ago. She is teaching now. Doesn’t seem possible.”

Ultimately, the goal is for the two (or more of you) to talk about the similarities and differences in your memories. How similar/different were they? What do you think accounts for the similarities/differences?

Most students feel this exercise makes the memory more whole; they learn that an event can be special to people, but that what makes it special can be very different.

At this moment in time, we are all concerned about loss; this is a wonderful way to focus on what will always bind us to our friends and family – love, concern, and memories.

Do You Only Have Eyes for Me?

Intimacy, Psychology, Relationships, Sociology, Uncategorized

In 1953 Frank Sinatra sang, “My love must be a kind of blind love/I can’t see anyone but you…You are here and so am I/Maybe millions of people go by/But they all disappear from view/And I only have eyes for you”*.  The fact that at least 12 other entertainers have remade this song (most recently in 2017 by Kevin Morby) suggests that these words resonated with many people. 

For many, the “no looking” rule has become an indicator of true love.  If a significant other even glances momentarily at a random stranger it has the potential to become an argument about faithfulness.  Glancing has become as serious an offense as acting upon ones momentary impulse.  For me, cheating involves engaging in emotional or physical intimacy with someone other than your significant other.  Glancing, an action that is unintentional and meaningless, is different from looking.  Looking is longer, it involves some attentiveness to detail, and some thinking about what one is looking at.  So a look – if it results in feeling hurt or disrespected must be addressed. 

I think it says more about the person who gets upset by it than it does about the person who glanced.  I’m sure that statement stirs some controversy and some comments – so let me elaborate.

A strong reaction to a glance is essentially a sign of jealousy.  Cognitive psychologists would suggest that the offended person was struggling with some irrational thoughts of their own.  Examples might be (1) Everyone is a cheater, (2) I can’t control myself so you can’t control yourself, or (3) I can’t be trusted so neither can you.  A psychologist who favors a humanist approach would suggest that the real/ideal self has been split and the offended person feels unworthy of love.  Examples might be (1) I should be more interesting so he/she does not have to look at others, (2) he/she would rather be with them than with me, or (3) I should look for someone new and show them how it feels to be ignored like this.  A Freudian would examine the childhood issues that led to this trauma over a glance.  For example, (1) did the parent/nurturer abandon them at a young age? (2) did the parent/nurturer make them compete for affection? or (3) did the parent/nurturer cause them to feel insignificant in some way?  Finally, a behavioral psychologist would examine if the offended person (1) has been rewarded for acting like they have been slighted in other situations, (2) has been rewarded for starting unnecessary arguments, or (3) has been rewarded for creating drama. 

Solutions based on cognitive psychology involve limiting our irrational thoughts, often accomplished by minimizing generalizations and checking for both confirming and disconfirming evidence.  For example, it is true that some people cheat; it is not true that everyone does.  Humanists seek greater congruity between real/ideal self by helping a person limit conditions of worth, often accomplished by examining the shoulds we say.  For example, by saying I need/want to be more interesting, one takes the “power” of insecurity away from others and causes a person to take responsibility for becoming who one seeks to be.  Freudians would use techniques to uncover the pains of childhood.  By doing so the offended person would come to realize that they are acting out toward their significant other in a way that is really meant to resolve a hurt caused by a parent.  Finally, the behaviorist would seek to help the offended person by helping the significant other learn to ignore behaviors that relate to unjustified accusations of cheating and reward behaviors that build trust.

So go out and glance anywhere and everywhere.  The important thing is that you look at your significant other.

“Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous” ~ 1 Corinthians 13:4

*Songwriters: Al Dubin / Harry Warren I Only Have Eyes for You lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Warner Chappell Music, Inc.

If you enjoy reading my posts, please subscribe using the signup box at the side of the page.  Once you sign up, you will receive a confirming email.  When you respond to that confirmation email, you will get updates on any new items I post.  It is my hope that these blogs are a starting point for great discussions and shared ideas.  I look forward to reading the comments you post. 

Work-Life Balance

Change, Psychology, Relationships, Sociology, Uncategorized, Work-Life Balance, , ,

Every time I hear the term “work-life balance”, I picture a seesaw with work on one side and all the rest of life on the other.  We accept this concept as a reality, as a given.  We suggest that accepting this “fact” is a sign of maturity and adulthood.

But, to me it is such an unbalanced concept.  It is telling us that work is separate from life, not an integrated part of it.  It means work is the priority and everything else must be prioritized on the life side – one’s significant other, siblings, parents, friends, hobbies, and chores, sleep – everything else has to be prioritized on the “life” side.  In other words, work gets 50% and all the rest of life gets the other 50%.

I cannot see how it is possible to actually balance all of life into the hours allocated to it.  For example, if you are lucky enough to have a ten-hour workday (two hour commute, lunch, seven hours of work), then you are left with 14 hours for everything else.  If you follow the recommendations of health professionals then you need eight hours for sleep, leaving six hours one’s significant other, siblings, parents, friends, hobbies, and chores (food shopping, laundry, exercising).  Let’s face it, for most of us, “life” time is further curtailed by our constant connection to work, where we are expected to check our emails/texts from our employer or, as salaried employees, we are expected to bring work home with us (literally or emotionally).  Clearly, that imbalance is what is causing frustration, dissatisfaction, and stress in our relationships. 

I often wonder why we consider work separate from life rather than a part of it. Perhaps sociologists are right and that work has created such alienation that we no longer feel connected to it.  This seems like a reasonable explanation of why we accept the idea that there is work and there is the rest of life. 

Is this the best way for us to think about our day, though?

What if the term were changed to life-work balance? What would our lives look like then?  I won’t list out what I think it would look like; but I do hope you take a moment to fantasize about it.

What if it were simply life balance?  What if we placed life in the center of the seesaw and we were able to rearrange the parts on a daily basis giving priority where it felt right/needed/ genuine? 

I hope you are fantasizing about what life would look like if life were at the center and work was simply one of the priorities we had.  That seems so much healthier to me.

Categories determine the way we think about the world.  Perhaps it is time to change the way we categorize work-life.  I certainly think it is.

He Said, She Said

Intimacy, Psychology, Relationships, Sociology, Uncategorized, , , , , , ,

Words are so interesting.  The first time I realized that the word “sentence” could mean “a group of words that convey meaning” or “what you get when convicted of a crime,” well, I felt my brain explode.  How could a word mean such different things?  English teachers explained the importance of context clues.  We know what the word means because of the surrounding words – the context that the creator has developed. 

In our relationships, we often believe that the shared context is the relationship so the common words we use must mean the same thing to both of us.  We believe that a word has shared meaning and we do not need to check whether or not that is so.  When we are talking to our significant others, we generally feel quite certain that they know what we mean when use a word.

Unfortunately, this is not always the case and these misunderstandings can have negative consequences.  For example, I worked with a couple where the woman had never – in 8 years – said she was sorry.  Over time, he had become convinced that she was indifferent to his feelings; she simply didn’t care if he was hurt.  During a session, she stated quite emphatically, “Why would I say I am sorry?  I NEVER do anything to intentionally hurt him!”  And there it was.  For her, sorry meant she hurt him on purpose and with purpose.  In fact, over that same time period, she had become convinced that he thought she was a terrible person because every time he asked her to say she was sorry, she thought he was saying she had hurt him intentionally.  For him, the word sorry meant, “I know you’re hurt and I wish you weren’t” – it had nothing to do with whether the hurt happened with intent.

Now, think about what the word “commitment” means.  Really think.  How would you define it?

I worked with a couple that had very different interpretations of the word.  They had come in to talk about where their relationship was headed. They had been living together for quite some time.  She said she had begun to question his commitment.  He said, “I’m here aren’t I?” – he felt his actions provided all the evidence of commitment.  Eventually, I gave them each a piece of paper and asked them to write down what the word commitment meant to them.  She wrote three lines “living together, being supportive of individual goals, working toward mutual goals”.  He wrote several paragraphs.  The first began “commitment, being committed.  Being institutionalized.”  He went on to say “Nobody can ask for commitment.  It must be freely given” and added that commitment is a synonym for a trap, a “device meant to capture a living thing, so that it may be subjugated to the control of another entity”.  His focus was on commitment as a method for restricting freedom.  At first glance, these comments certainly seem irreconcilable, making one question if this couple should even be together.  Was this a deal breaker? https://real-matters.com/?p=19

Examining their definitions more closely, though, revealed that their relationship goals were not all that different.  The word commitment had only negative connotations for him, but as we discussed their relationship further, it became very clear that he wanted to spend his life with her; he wanted to make her happy, he wanted everything on her list.   He felt his actions demonstrated that he wanted to live together (he was there, as he had said), they were supportive of individual goals, and they were working toward mutual goals.  She agreed whole-heartedly. 

What they needed was a new language in their relationship. She learned to hear the commitment in his actions and he learned to use his words more often.  They both stopped using the word commitment and learned to see the beauty in the freedom to freely choose to be together.

This couple has been married for many years now.  Every holiday season they send me a card and in it they write, “Still married, but not committed” – makes me smile every time.

What can we all learn from this?  Among other things, we can learn that the assumptions we make about how someone else feels must be shared with them so they can be checked and addressed. We may be wrong about what they are thinking and feeling.  We can learn that the words we say to each other truly matter and that even words that are “common,” words that are used frequently by so many of us, can have very different emotional connotations to them.  When we reflect on the recurring arguments we have with someone who holds a special place in our lives, we might want to look more closely at the words we are using.  We might share our definition of those words and ask for theirs.  We may discover that we have the same goal and it is the words getting in our way, and not the sentiment behind them.

~“Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won’t come in.” ~ Isaac Asimov

The Potential Impact of Social Media

Parenting, Psychology, Relationships, Social Media, Sociology, Uncategorized, ,

Social Media has certainly impacted all of our lives.  It has helped us connect to those far away, it has helped us help each other and mitigate the impact of natural and manmade disasters, it has helped us share the joys of everyday events, grow our businesses, and so much more.  It has also impacted us negatively, making it easier to perpetrate scams, ostracize those who are already marginalized, spread rumors, and provide unrealistic physical and emotional ideals.  After discussing this in class, a student wrote what I found to be a very insightful reflection on the issue.  She graciously agreed to allow me to post it here.  She raised many important issues and I look forward to a lively dialogue via your comments. 

The Potential Impact of Social Media ~ Raquel Weinberg

When we discussed social phobia as well as the adverse affects of social media and technology in the beginning of the class, I was at first reminded of the children I babysit who I find more and more to be obsessed with their devices. Whenever I see this, I am always reminded of myself at their age (5 & 8) I think about how at the time I had no clue what the Internet really was and phones were completely off my radar (forget about iPads!).

I often times find myself confused by the world that is social media. As someone who grew up sort of on the cusp of social media becoming “a thing” it’s very interesting as well as alienating to have experienced and to be able to objectively see both sides. On one hand I can clearly remember a time before social media, when all my friends would talk to each other face to face, and there was no guess-work when it came to relationships. What you saw was what you got. However, I was in middle school when social media really took off (when Facebook suddenly wasn’t just for college aged kids) and navigating the social environment suddenly became a whole lot more complicated. All of a sudden people could say one thing in person and a completely different thing online, and the discrepancy between the two “personas” was (and still is) strange to me.

We talked about how though we have social media now and all these means for connection, we are somehow more disconnected as ever. I think social media plays such a huge role in this because no one is authentically themselves online (or at the very least it is rare). Everyone wants to portray the most perfect version of themselves (stemming back to the real vs. ideal selves) and because social media allows us to create these “ideal” versions of ourselves, I think many people get caught up in that fantasy. It becomes an addiction; people love the attention this “ideal internet persona” that they’ve created brings them. The likes, the fans, in some cases money, are all incentive to continue falsifying their lives, but at what cost?

I believe that because we are not portraying our “real” selves online, that we as people are consequently unable to form meaningful and true relationships through social media. Because we are not speaking to that person, we are speaking instead to the persona this person has created that they think others will like better. In the end however, all we are met with is a phony mask, void of any real depth because it is not really them.

And I believe that because of the lack of sincerity behind these social media masks we put on each day, that people are alienated by their interactions in everyday life. In real life, they do not receive the mindless praise for the things they would online. But also they then no longer know how they should act in reality vs. social media. We have learned how to have conversations between personas, not conversations between people.

This is a topic I’m really passionate about because although I do believe that social media, when used properly, is an amazing tool (really truly amazing), it is also completely rotting us as a society. Our priorities are completely skewed; we idolize people who take deals from companies to sell garbage to their impressionable fans. Hype creators who put their lives and others at risk for the sake of a picture of video. And what are we learning from this as a society? What are kids growing up today learning? It’s truly frightening where we have allowed this to go.

A Note to the Nurturers, On Mother’s Day

Mother's Day, Parenting, Psychology, Relationships, Siblings, Sociology, Uncategorized, , , , , ,

On Mother’s Day, I get nostalgic. I think about the very first time I held my first-born. I think about how it was just as wonderful to hold my second child for the first time. I think about how heavenly it was to hold them as toddlers, to feel their head on my shoulder, to listen to their breathing as they slept, to hear them laugh as they played. I think about how breathtaking it has been to see them venture out on their own.

Many years ago, while they were still very young, I wrote: Parenting is a journey that takes us from total responsibility for another person, to the development of a responsible person. I am proud to say I’ve developed two responsible human beings and am enjoying their adulthood very much. Going by my statement from many years ago, it would seem my journey is complete, but really, as parents, we know it never is.

I know I will always feel a part of their continuing development, but now, I also focus on how they helped me grow. They developed me in concrete ways (they are my go-to tech group…I’m certain I will always need them for that!). They developed me emotionally. They kept me young at heart. They kept me playful and joyful. They added to my compassion. They guided my understanding of complex social and political issues. They opened my eyes and heart to new ideas, new people, and new adventures. And they continue to help me grow in all those ways.

As I think of all of this, I also think about the many forms that parenthood takes. There are the other family members who nurtured them and helped them become who they are. Clearly this includes grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. It includes friends who chose to become family. It includes co-workers who guided and mentored them when I could not; who shared professional knowledge with them and helped to nurture their careers.

So, on Mother’s Day I celebrate all the people who help develop us, who nurture us, who help us face and conquer the “next” stage of our lives. Parenting, after all, is not biological. Parenting is a choice. It is the choice to nurture someone else. It is the choice to help someone else achieve his or her potential.

To all of you who have nurtured someone in some way, thank you. Happy Parenting Day!

“The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction not a destination” ~Carl Rogers ~

Violence is the Problem – Not the Solution

Fear, Guns, Hate, Psychology, Sociology, Violence

So many times in life we expend our energy solving the wrong problems. Our country has faced too many mass shootings. Each time, the problem has been framed in the context of the Second Amendment. The problem, the debate, has become “Do we have the right to bear arms? Are you trying to diminish my Constitutional rights?” The answer is simple: the right exists. I’m not sure why this particular discussion continues. After all, framing the problem this way has not ended the problem of mass shootings. It is time, then, to consider what solutions would be possible if we reframed the problem.

For example, we could reframe the problem as:

Did the victims have the right to live?  Did the parents have the right to see their children grow to adulthood?  Did the friends and family have the right to enjoy more time with those they lost?  Did the shooter have the right to better access to mental health care?

Consider the implications if we made the problem even broader:

What is the source of the anger that allowed this mass shooting?  Why does the solution of killing others seem appropriate to so many people?  What is producing all of this frustration?  Is the increased use of technology part of the problem? Is it both increasing our isolation as well as our belief that violence is a solution?  What structural changes can we make in society that might ease this anger and frustration?

The questions we ask determine the solutions we generate. Clearly, the questions we have been asking about our Constitutional rights are not producing the solution we ALL want. We ALL want less violence, less death, more personal security.

Perhaps, then, the real questions are:

How can we achieve less violence?  How can we reduce the national murder rate?  How can we achieve greater personal security?

So many more solutions are possible when we reframe the issue in this manner. It is time that we change the frame, expand the possibilities, and resolve to solve this. We cannot continue to allow mass shootings at school, at work, at places of leisure, or at churches. We cannot allow them to continue anywhere.

When Sex and Intimacy Got a Divorce

Equality, Intimacy, Psychology, Relationships, Sociology, Uncategorized, , , ,

As far as I can recall, the separation began in the 1960s. Women’s liberation was making its mark. Women took off their bras, declared that they were more than their bodies, and demanded true equality in the workplace and at home. These were wonderful truths and wonderful goals. Women were ready to move from a norm where sex was a male prerogative and they were simply there to please the men they married. We were ready to move away from the imbalance of power between the sexes. Again, a very good goal.

The difficulty with any social change is that to change we focus on the extremes. The horror, the injustice, moves us to fix the problem. What is lost in the process is the fact that most of us do not live on the extremes; our lives are more normal than that. So, while the stated norm was that sex was a male prerogative there were always men and women who were eager to satisfy each other’s sexual needs and recognized that their own pleasure was enhanced by pleasing their partner (whether opposite sex partner or same sex partner). In reality, just as it is today, the balance of power was not a giant divide, but a place where control shifts from side and side and where each member has responsibility for the actions they take. Men are not always the enemy, women are not always the victims; we all make choices and our choices have consequences that impact us in the moment and in our futures.

While it may seem I have digressed, I hope you will now see the connection. The focus on the extremes led us, I think, to a new extreme – to a place where the norm is that sex is an activity one can engage in solely for pleasure, divorced from intimacy. Early on in the separation process, I began to hear of the “three date rule” (you have sex by the third date or you stop dating that person). Now, of course, there are apps where you simply pick a person based on their looks, “hook up”, and resume your life as it was before the act of fulfilling your need for physical pleasure. In sessions, I meet men and women who feel embarrassed that they want more from sex than that; they want to feel a connection.   I think the embarrassment stems from the shift to this new extreme and the fact that our focus became intercourse (sex) rather than sexuality.

Sexuality involves intimacy. It involves familiarity with the other person, knowledge of and an understanding of that person, a feeling of affection for them, and at its deepest level, a feeling of love for them. Sexuality is a term that encompasses values, body image, sense of self, and self-respect, as well as intercourse. This broader definition brings trust, caring, concern, warmth, and connection back into the equation.

Our power – our control over our bodies and our lives – lies in our sexuality, not in our ability to have sex without intimacy. It lies in our ability to trust our partner, to know that they are looking out for our pleasure (as we are looking out for theirs). It lies in our willingness to be vulnerable – because vulnerability in a trusting relationship allows us to not only be genuine, but to move out of our comfort zone and to grow. Our power lies in our ability to give consent based on our values, our body image, our sense of self, and our self-respect. Our power lies in knowing that our value to the other person does not rest on what we do in this moment, but in the fact that our partner knows and understands us, values us, and that their affection and/or love is not based on the moment, but on our history and our future. Our power rests in knowing that a “no” does not mean our time together is over.

I do hope that sex and intimacy reconcile. For it is in that reconciliation that true pleasure is found.