One of my dad’s favorite things to say was, “never go to bed angry.” As was so often the case, his words were brief but filled with wisdom.
I always thought he was reflecting on the loss of his friends during combat in WWII. With all the loved one’s people have lost over the last few years (during the pandemic, wars, terrorism, mass shootings, and so much more) I understand his words so much more deeply. Surrounded by death, he came to question whether anger was “worth” it.
While it may be uncomfortable to consider, the fact is that in these times of random violence, those we love can be gone within moments. What will we be thinking then? I believe that once a loved one is gone, the anger often gives way to grief. I never hear family members who are being interviewed by news commentators say they are glad the person is gone. They never tell a story about how the person hurt their feelings or owed them an apology. Instead, they talk about the moments of joy they shared with the person and the despair that they can never experience shared joys again.
If a “break” in the relationship had occurred, the survivor is left thinking about how they had spent weeks, months or years, justifying the break. They begin to realize that their thoughts had shifted from the issue that caused the rift to the thought that the person had caused it or wanted it. Upon losing that person, the questions suddenly multiply and change in nature. Did that issue really matter as much as I thought it did? Was it worth the time lost in friendship/love? Was my life truly better without (whoever) in it? Was the apology that was awaited/required compensate for the loss now felt? Was I secretly hoping for a reconciliation that can never happen because they are gone?
Life is unpredictable. Let’s all try to “never go to bed angry” – or at least do so less frequently.
If you wake up every morning, eager to go to work because you find it fulfilling and meaningful then I would agree that relationships are like work. For too many people, however, work is a drudgery, a requirement for money that allows fun outside of the time spent there. It is an obligation, a means to an end. So, what are we saying when we tell ourselves or our friends that relationships are work? In talking to clients about this phrase, I have come to the conclusion that the phrase means we have to grin and bear it, not expect much from the relationship, or that we don’t deserve any more than we are getting. There is little to nothing positive in the suggestion to “make it work”.
As I see it, relationships are places we go to restore our sense of peace and happiness. Life can throw obstacles at us and make things difficult. These obstacles and difficulties can lead us to fantasize about how it would be easier if we had made other choices, selected a different significant other. However, those normal, occasional feelings, lead the couple to “work” to restore the peace and happiness they find in each other. But what if we reframed it so it wasn’t “work”? What if we framed it to feel like finding a new path to that supportive, comforting place?
Perhaps a more helpful analogy regarding relationships is clothing. We are uncomfortable in clothing that doesn’t fit us properly. If we see something we like, but is too tight, we can take it home and choose to work out and lose some weight so we can fit into it. Notice that the change happens in you and not in the clothing. The work is on your part, fueled by a desire to have that clothing and feel comfortable in it. Similarly, if the clothing we love is too large for us, we can choose to have it altered. In other words, we change the clothing.
What troubles me most is when a person is in the early stages of a relationship, yet still refers to it as work. In those cases, I think it is important to question the “fit.” Is the person trying to figure out the world the way a toddler does when given a sorting toy and is trying to put the circle in the triangle? This causes frustration and anger; once the toddler learns to sort properly, the task is easy. I believe that relationships are supposed to be easy, too. They are not supposed to cause us frustration, anger, and upset; they are supposed to replenish us.
If we think of relationships in terms of how they fit us, we can maintain a view that each person involved has qualities. The question becomes do those qualities fit our needs and do ours fit theirs. Do the roles we have in other areas of our life fit? Do our outside interests fit? Is their mutual respect? Is there a desire in both to make the other happy? Are both willing to maintain separate interests as well as explore mutual interests? None of this sounds like work to me. None of it sounds like an onerous chore that must be handled.
It seems much more productive to think about a potential relationship in terms of fit. Just because an outfit doesn’t fit doesn’t mean it isn’t of good quality. We can go into a high fashion store and know the material is flawless, but it just doesn’t fit. Life is like that sometimes. So is love.
It seems much more productive to think about a long-term relationship in terms of fit. A favorite item of clothing can bring us comfort over so many periods of our life. We sometimes find new ways to make it fit our lives. I cannot stress enough that our relationship with our significant other should feel like that – comfortable, familiar, and adaptable.
When the fit is right, relationships are not work. They are a place where our emotional reservoir is replenished.
Although we often think of the summer as wedding season, weddings are wonderful in any season of the year. They are wonderful because they represent love, optimism, and new beginnings.
It seems to me, however, that far too often those very things a wedding represents are lost within the stress of planning for the day itself. At first, it seems magical. You are planning a day to celebrate your love. Then the details begin. How will you celebrate it? Where will you celebrate it? How many guests will you invite? Where and with whom will you seat those guests? How much will it all cost? Who will pay for it? Will you “make it back” in gifts from your guests? Will it rain/snow/be hot and humid on the day? Will everything be on schedule?
How can we avoid the stress and embrace the love, optimism, and sense of new beginnings? The answer rests, in part, in making sure we are solving the right “problem.” I know problem does not sound like the right word, but problems are simply situations that must be dealt with. In psychology, we think of problems as anything that requires us to figure out how to achieve our goal. So, what is the goal?
Let me digress for a moment. It is important to understand the steps in solving a problem so we can then apply it to the problem at hand: weddings. The key to solving any problem is problem representation – to know what the problem actually is. To ensure that we know what the problem is, we must define it as broadly as possible, determine what category or categories it fits, and then check our assumptions.
So, let’s begin.
How can we define the problem of a wedding more broadly? Perhaps, instead of thinking of it as planning for one day, we think of it as planning for a marriage. By thinking of it as the start of a marriage, the focus remains on the celebration of the creation of a union, the joining of a couple. However, now the couple can also consider how they want to establish their united role within their extended family and friendship groups. Rather than stressing over who to invite or where they will sit, the question becomes how these different groups will be involved in their lives going forward.
Expanding the definition of the problem impacts the categories as well. Categories for a wedding, or a marriage, include the big three – person, place, or thing. What those categories include, however, may be different if we are considering the day or the marriage. When we think wedding day and people, we think the couple, officiant, immediate and extended families, friends, DJ, caterers/servers, photographer, and videographer. When we think marriage, we think of the couple, immediate and extended families and friends, but we eliminate the others (DJ, caterers/servers, photographer, and videographer). When we think wedding day and place, we think of a specific location for a specific party. When we think of marriage and place, we think of where they will live and how that environment will impact their daily lives and happiness. When we think of the wedding day and things, we think of the cost (for everything), when we think of the marriage, we think about how those costs for one day might impact the ability to achieve our bigger dreams, whatever they might be (a bigger apartment, a home, a family).
After we expand the problem and consider the categories, we next need to actually check our assumptions. For example, if we assume that if we exclude someone from the guest list they will be hurt and stop talking to us, we need to check that by asking the person. I know that sounds risky, but the risk is minimized by the words we use to explain our decision: “We wish we could invite you to be part of our wedding day. Unfortunately, we could not include everyone who has been important to us and who will continue to be important to us. Please know you will be with us in our hearts; we have every intention to keep you in the more important place in our lives – in our marriage, our lifetime.” If someone who receives this note chooses to be angry, perhaps that is a different problem that needs to be solved. The original problem was not how you were going to make others happy. The original problem was how you were going to celebrate love, optimism, and new beginnings.
If we assume that “everyone” has a big wedding and they expect us to as well, then we need to check that assumption. It is clear that not everyone has a big wedding. The more important assumption to check is what the couple considers the key elements of a wedding day to be. What do they want to remember about that day? What they wore? The flowers? The way they looked at each other? The vows they made? The love they shared with family and friends? The food? The drinks? The music? The location?
As you outline what you want to remember about the day, it moves the focus from the day to the marriage. It includes the magical part of being special and surrounded by love. It includes feeling joy and sharing that joy with others. It includes recognizing that the people who will remain in your life as a part of your marriage are those who understand the difficult decisions involved in planning a wedding day.
In reality, the only requirements for a wedding day are a couple and an officiant. The rest is optional. So, enjoy solving the problem of how you will celebrate your love, optimism, and new beginnings. Celebrate your unity, your marriage, your lifetime.
“Marriage is like watching the color of leaves in the fall; ever changing and more stunningly beautiful with each passing day.” ~ Fawn Weaver
If you enjoy my posts, please subscribe to my blog.
We all feel great after receiving a compliment. It makes us happy and, while we try to stay humble, we might have the urge to share the compliment with cherished family or friends. Compliments, after all, are affirmations of our worth.
Complaints or criticisms, however, rarely make us feel good about ourselves. When we hear one, often our first reaction is upset. Then we add some defensiveness. And for many of us, it ends there; however, we need to learn to work our way to wonder. Why did the person feel that way? What feedback can I get from this? Wonder, then, is the opening to growth.
I will share a recent example. I was teaching an Introduction to Psychology class on Zoom and was enjoying the interaction that had developed among the students. There was an active dialogue, with students sharing orally or in the chat. We were discussing an article about why boys often lose interest in academics. Then, the complaint. One of the students said, “Well, as a man, I can say that I want you to get to the point. Your stories just don’t hold my interest.”
My reaction: immediate upset. Thoughts included: I work so hard to make the material relevant and useful; that was rude; how does he expect me to respond to that accusation? Defensiveness was next. Thoughts included: I have incredible ratings on MyProfessor.com; I have won two awards for Excellence in Teaching, one a statewide award. Who was he to tell me how to teach?
But then, I encouraged myself to move to wonder. Thoughts included: I wonder what kinds of stories would hold his interest; I wonder how many weeks ago he lost interest; I wonder why he still comes to class; I wonder why he felt comfortable sharing his point of view. That was the opening.
Once I recognized that his comment was an invitation for me to engage in a meaningful conversation, the door to growth opened. I embraced the idea that he felt safe enough to criticize me in real time and I was then able to ask how he thought I could improve. We both grew from the exchange of ideas.
I know I’m not alone in my reaction to complaints or criticisms. They are, at their core, feedback. The problem is that so many of us do not know how to provide meaningful feedback. Compliments are easy feedback. The person simply has to tell us what we did right. A complaint or criticism requires that the person includes a suggestion for improvement; it requires that they tell us what they want/need us to do in the future.
Because most people tell us what they don’t want (the complaint) and forget to include what they do want, we tend to go into fight/flight mode, making our response less effective. The fix, however, is to go into “wonder mode”. When I did that, I was able to elicit the feedback I needed from the student. Wonder mode is much more effective that fight/flight mode. It allows us to think and to solve problems.
So, the next time you get some feedback that causes you to feel upset and defensive, try to add the “I wonder.” Say to your supervisor, “I wonder if you can suggest how I can handle that situation next time.” This is a statement that opens a door to growth. The next time your teacher grades an assignment as needs improvement, ask “I wonder if you could offer some advice about what I need to do to improve this grade going forward.” This is a statement that opens a door to growth. The next time your significant other makes a comment that you interpret as a cause for alarm about the health of your relationship ask, “I wonder if there is something I can do to make things better between us.” This is a statement that opens a door to growth, especially if your partner wonders the same.
A complaint is an opening. So, don’t fear it. Instead wonder about it and embrace the opportunity.
When I’m Not Rushing, Feeling Guilty and Pulled in Every Direction…I Enjoy My Life
So many of us feel like we are always in survival mode, just moving about endlessly from one responsibility to the next, from one requirement to the next, from one obligation to the next. We don’t even have time to consider how we got to this place or what we can do to transition to a “workable” mode, or better yet a “thriving” mode.
Join me for an hour-long online discussion via Zoom at 7PM on Wednesday, February 16th. We will discuss why everything seems to be a priority, how to categorize our priorities more effectively, and how to enjoy our lives – at least a little bit – every day.
Many people describe relationships as “work” — as if our relationships are onerous, a chore that must be dealt with on a regular basis. But, what would happen if we saw our relationships as something that must be nurtured, rather than some chore that must be attended to?
Join me for an hour-long online discussion via Zoom at 7PM on Thursday, November, 4th. We will discuss the factors that make for relationships that revitalize us versus those that drain us. Relationships will be inclusive tonight – friendships, family, romantic – as we search for what the best relationships in any category have in common.
Name this emotion: a person’s heart is racing, their pupils are dilated, their perspiration is increased, and their digestion is stopped. Some of you might have named the emotion of anger. Some of you might have named the emotion of fear. Still others might have named the emotion of surprise.
Fascinatingly, every emotion we experience is based on the limited number of physiological responses listed above. In essence, emotions – whether “good” or “bad” – call our parasympathetic nervous system (our fight or flight response) into action. We have an extremely limited set of physiological responses for a wide array of emotional labels.
Emotions are, essentially, our subjective reaction to the physiological reactions of our pupils, heart rate, perspiration, and digestion. Then we add a twist of cognition.
We answer the question, “what do I think I am feeling?” For example, if we experience the symptoms listed above and see our friends shouting, “Happy Birthday” we generally call our primary emotion surprise and then add the emotion of happy. If we do not like such parties, we still might use the primary label of surprise, but add the emotion of anger.
In other words, we feel this limited set of biological events, we look around and appraise the situation, and then we apply the label. The label determines our subjective emotional experience. Based upon our interpretation of the surrounding events, we experience these physical events as pleasant or unpleasant. Interpreting emotions as pleasant, causes the body to return to homeostasis (back to its normal state) more quickly and, because we are not concerned with protecting ourselves from some threat (real or perceived), we use up fewer physiological resources.
What is even more interesting is that the label can be changed, and by changing the label, we have the power to change what we are experiencing.
This is extremely important when we consider how freely we use the words worry, anxiety, and fear. We use the words worry and anxiety when we are less sure of the reason of source of our concern; the concern is more amorphous. We use the word fear when there is a specific source. One psychologist, Todd Pressman, PhD, has suggested that all anxieties and worries can be categorized into five core fears: abandonment/aloneness, loss of identity, loss of meaning, loss of purpose, and fear of death.
What makes this interesting to me is the idea that if we label more things fear, rather than worry or anxiety, we actually increase the number of strategies we can use to resolve the situation. Let me stress again that all three labels are emotions and all three will, physiologically, result in the fight or flight response. But when we label the emotion as fear, we tend to either feel paralyzed (leaving the “field” emotionally) or we feel powerful and ready to “fight” this dreaded enemy. The focus on “fight” calls us to action and provides opportunities for successful resolution.
So, if we fear an exam, we can “take flight” by dropping the class or we can “fight” to succeed by reading, forming study groups, going for tutoring, etc. If we are anxious about our future if we fail an exam, we are paralyzed by the anticipation of all these potentially negative consequences. If we fear that if we fail this exam, our future will not be as good as we hoped, then we can make the preparations to guard ourselves from that outcome.
Each psychological perspective has a method for fighting our fears. Behaviorism advocates exposure therapy, which involves facing the fear. Once they face that fear, and once those fears are unsubstantiated, the person gains control over the fear. Psychoanalysis involves tracking the source of the fear to a childhood trauma, to a moment when our pursuit of pleasure/happiness was severely punished, an event that led one to fear similar abandonment in the present situation. Humanists examine fears through the lens of ideal/real self and use “should statements” as the clue to the discrepancy between those two parts of who we are. The fear, for them, is often that we will not be loved if show our true selves; we must always present the ideal – an impossible standard for anyone. We fear the conditions that must be met if we are to be loved by those important to us. Cognitive psychologists focus on the irrational aspects of our fears, pointing out to us that most of what we anticipate never happens. In fact, a study done by The University of Pennsylvania revealed that 95.1% of what the participants’ worried about/feared never happened.
That last fact is very powerful. I have encouraged many of my students and clients to write down their fears and to record if it actually happened. We then discuss whether the energy expended in the anticipation of the feared event was “worth it.”
Invariably, the answer is no. Ultimately, it helps them to recognize that the things we lump into worry/stress/fear reduce our resources. They keep our fight/flight system on alert for too long, depleting the ability for it to react when actually needed.
What they often find helpful is the idea that we can re-label those earlier emotions. We can be excited about the upcoming test/job interview/party. We can be joyful about the opportunity to demonstrate what we know. If/when things go wrong, then we can use any the techniques discussed above to fight our fear and resolve the situation.
I think we can sum it up by saying if we focus more on solutions than on the worry/anxiety/fear itself, we will gain control over it and use it to make our lives, and the lives of those we love, better.
If you enjoy my posts, please subscribe using the signup box at the bottom of the page. Once you sign up, you will receive a confirming email. When you respond to that email, you will get updates on any new items I post.
If you recall the movie Bambi, there is that wonderful scene where he is learning words and goes through bird, butterfly, flower…and Flower the Skunk. It is an excellent example of categorization because it demonstrates how categories allow us to quickly organize our experiences and choose responses based on that categorization. We respond differently to birds than we do to skunks. It also demonstrates the flexibility of categorization and how items can shift from one category to another. A skunk is suddenly a flower and we start to wonder if a skunk can be more than a potential smelly danger.
The importance of categorization is one of my favorite topics in psychology. I love engaging with my students as we discuss the importance of prototypes (the best example of a category) and how they provide the basis for inclusion and exclusion in a category.
For example, if you show your child a penguin and say “bird,” you are correct (because penguins are birds); however, your child will not find other birds to add to the category (because penguins don’t fly, for example). If you show them a Great Dane and say “dog”, they won’t find many dogs to add to the category because a Great Dane is a very unusual dog. It is better to show them a mutt (a combination of many dogs) as the prototype because it allows them to compare many breeds to the prototype and include them in the category. It also allows them to correctly exclude ponies from the dog category.
Categories are also quite flexible; we can shift items within categories and among categories. For example, take the category of chairs. There are many different kinds of chairs within the category: kitchen chair, dining room chair, lawn chair, beach chair, office chair, rocking chair, and so on. Although a chair is something we sit in, we can shift it to other categories. When we use it to climb on, we shift it a stepstool or ladder category. When we sleep in a chair, we shift it to the category of bed. When I consider how we do this all day long, paying very little attention to how we shift our thinking and the behaviors allowed by that thinking, it never ceases to amaze me how much babies and children are absorbing about the world as they learn each new word and the ideas those words represent.
While categories are important when teaching babies and children about their world, they also play an important role in how adults shape their thinking.
Let us start with the category of dog – a great example of a category which has shifted over time. Dogs belong in the category of animal and the subcategory of domesticated animals. Most domesticated animals sleep outside; years ago a doghouse, a shelter outside for a dog, was a common feature. If a dog slept inside, it slept in a room alone on the floor, with a towel or blanket as bedding. Today, though, dogs wear clothes. Dogs have special bakeries. There are restaurants that have dog amenities included. Dogs sleep in bed with their owners. Dogs have carriages so they don’t have to walk. We put dogs in foster homes. We adopt dogs. Dogs are referred to as family members. In other words, we have shifted dogs to the human category of family. This reveals a shift in our thinking and behavior.
Strikingly, we have also shifted some humans to the category of animals over the past several years. By doing so, it also allows certain behaviors from society to be considered acceptable. For example, politicians have called some immigrant groups animals; this allows us to put these people in cages and separate them from their young. We call people who have committed crimes “animals”, allowing us to focus on punishment without considering the need for rehabilitation or treatment of any kind. It allows us to keep them in cages. The homeless are often invisible to us while they sleep on the street, in the cold, the heat, the rain, without any shelter. It is not the shift from dog as animal to dog as family that troubles me. However, it is important to consider the consequence of shifting a human to the category of animal.
We cannot eliminate categorization, nor can we eliminate the shifting of categories. In fact, we are doing these shifts hundreds of times a day. Under certain conditions, a table can shift from the category of something to place our food on to a category of something to sit on. The assumptions satisfying that movement might include that the table is sturdy enough to support someone’s weight. Assumptions that would prevent the shift might include the fact that the table would collapse if someone sat on it. We don’t need to reflect on these category shifts because the consequences of the movement are minimal. However, when we shift people into different categories, the consequences, as we have seen can be significant.
If worry is so bad for us, why do we all do it? What value does it have? What is its relationship to stress? What do stress and worry do for us as individuals and as members of the collective of humankind?
Join me for an hour-long online discussion via Zoom at 7PM on Tuesday, March 16th. We will discuss various strategies for ensuring that we control stress and worry rather than allowing them to control us. Since children’s authors know how to put a humorous spin on human behavior, we will read about worry from the perspective of Owl Babies by Martin Waddell and explore the psychological treasures hidden within it.
The fee is $5.00 for one person; $10.00 for 2 or more, payable in advance via Venmo (@Diane-Urban-5) RSVP requested by 5PM on 3/14.
When you reply, please use the link below: https://forms.gle/Ugizs82NV8p5Y4Jo7 On the bottom of the form please include your answers to the questions: What are the major stressors in your life? What are you most worried about? What are the major stressors in the lives of those you care about? Do you have a “go to” strategy for calming your worries?
This year we have all struggled with social distancing. We have seen so many different ways to ensure that we keep our distance –from diagrams on the floor to pool noodle hats. The truth is, we already knew how to keep our distance from strangers. In the United States, six feet between strangers is the norm and when we are forced to be closer than that we use other strategies to maintain distance (like avoid eye contact). So what we have truly struggled with this year is maintaining social intimacy while simultaneously maintaining physical distance from family and friends who do not live with us.
Physical proximity is a key component of intimacy. We use “nearness” as a measure for grouping. Gestalt psychology identified this principle in the 1800s; items that are near each other – even if they are not similar – are organized as a group. For example, different flowers (roses, lilies, tulips) become a bouquet when they are tied together. Our social groups are formed this way too. We know someone is a stranger if they are physically distant from us; we know they are part of our intimate circle if they are near us. We look at a baby we do not know; our baby sits on our lap. Others know we are intimate because of that proximity, a level of closeness reserved for that relationship. Every day we scanned the world and made these quick and usually valid assumptions about intimacy based on proximity. On the first day of class, students select a seat closer to friends; they leave space if they enter a room and see only unfamiliar faces. We assumed people were family and friends because they hugged, they shared a chair, they were holding hands, or they were resting their heads on each other’s shoulders.
Covid-19 changed all of that. Suddenly, intimacy could not be determined by physical proximity. Family members outside the “pod” had to keep the same physical distance as total strangers. Our confusion was made worse by calling it social distancing, putting in our minds that we needed to keep away from people, we needed to limit our interactions. Really all we needed to limit was our proximity. Our task, our very difficult task, was maintaining social intimacy in the absence of touch.
This new path was a struggle for all of us; it was a struggle because touch is a key part of intimacy. Some have managed better than others. For some, technology has helped; video calls allow a greater perception of proximity than an audio call does. For some, those with a yard or access to outdoor space, the “seeing” eased it a bit. But at the end, the roller coaster of emotion always included a desire to touch. We didn’t – and still do not – know how to end a call or a visit; the usual was a hug, a handshake, a touch of some kind.
I do realize that with the vaccines and all we have learned this year, physical intimacy will return. But it is still months away. We need to use this time developing new strategies for intimacy. Where a hug could make us feel loved, we need to be better at using our words to express it. We need to use our eyes better, use them to express the tenderness we feel inside. We need to use our words of support more frequently. We need to share our thoughts more frequently (even the bittersweet ones the “I made this meal I know you like – it made me think of you and miss you – I can’t wait until we can share the meal again). We need to share our recipes, our strategies, and our hopes. We need to share ourselves on a deeper level and if we do that I guarantee you that when we do hug again – and we will – it will be even better than we remember!
